Husband fancies me less since I got fit?

[LolalaBouche]

Me & DH are both early 40s. One DS (10). Together 20 yrs. DH is gorgeous- tall, dark & handsome, a runner with a great physique. Also aging has improved him- he really suits salt & pepper hair etc. Pppl often comment on his good looks. (He’s also a lovely person). By contrast, I am decidedly physically average and have not improved with age!
Im an ED nurse and in the past 12 months I lost some weight due to work stress. I noticed I was feeling a bit better about myself so started working out, I’ve changed how we eat (always cooked from scratch but started prioritising protein etc), and I’ve started running a bit. So I’m physically now in better shape than I have been since my early 20’s- I’m 5’7 and around 10st 5 so not skinny by any means but slim. I’ve gone from a size 14/16 to a 10. I’ve been told I look well.
DH and I have always had a great sex life but since I’ve lost the weight, he just isn’t as interested. The only sex we’re having is when I initiate it, and it very much feels like he’s having sex with me out of a sense of obligation. He used to be quite handsy when we were alone but that has stopped. He has said that my body feels weird when he hugs me because I’d been curvy for a long time.
I really miss our former intimacy. I would still fancy him if he gained some weight and I feel like I’m somehow being punished for starting to take better care of myself. I’ve always been aware that I was punching but this is just making me feel crap.
Anyone else experienced anything like this?

Nothing loving about him and his comments.
Well done OP on improving your health, particularly in such a stressful career.
Mind yourself.

I had this OP the other way around. My DP has always had a good body, but he went through a phase of running a lot and restricting his eating and got to his slimmest.

For me I preferred him physically a stone or two heavier, plus I found his strict eating regime a real turn off - no we can’t have brunch because his eating window hasn’t opened… no he doesn’t want nachos as a Saturday treat because hes got training in the morning. Just felt like he was a lot more serious all the time.

I’ve never heard a man use the word curvy to describe an overweight person. It’s women who tend to complicate that word and add hidden meaning. Men typically mean boobs and bum when they use that word.

You can be curvy at a size 8 and a size 16 imo.

I think @VimesandhisCardboardBoots (brilliant name btw) is right.

We need more men commenting here on this particular subject, rather than instant 'he's up to no good'.

If you remember it, the ghastly Page 3 featured girls who were definitely not skinny.

Men like curves - Marilyn Monroe and Christina Hendricks for example.

He misses it, it's that simple.

He's allowed to have a type and a turn-on.

There’s a big difference between overweight and curvy though. Most men would probably prefer Sydney Sweeny to say Lizzo.

Lizzo isn't curvy, Lizzo is fat 🤨

Why were page 3 considered ghasty? Both Marilyn Monroe and Christina Hendricks have posed nude. So what’s the difference?

All I'm saying is women seem to strive for an image that most men don't even prefer. What women think men find attractive and what most men actually find attractive is quite different

She’s got boobs and a bum though? Men love that.

He is. But should he voice that? And should he remove intimacy? The net result is the OP is healthier and will likely live longer. Does that have priority over his 'type', or not?

I think a lot of women’s hang ups around body image are driven by women.

Sure, and she's also pretty and oozes confidence so I'm sure she's attractive to many

💯

But you just called her fat, not curvy? So what’s the difference?

looking at all the posts it’s unanimous, OP - keep on with your health and fitness journey. Don't pare it back and reduce exercise, or eat less healthy or whatever just to appease your husband. EVERYONE is agreeing on that.

Lots of possibilities.

Is he worrying that you're having an affair? He's always loved your body as it is and now suddenly you've lost weight, you're running and eating differently. People sometimes do that when they've met someone new. Or is he worried that now you fit the standard 'attractive' stereotype you'll be looking around for someone new? Have you actually talked about what you're both feeling and thinking?

There was a thread on MN recently where a woman was concerned that her mother was going to move into her village and steal her life by joining all the community groups and activities she was involved in. If your partner has always been the slim, fit runner etc he may be feeling that you've stolen his 'thing'/ his independent life within your marriage. He may not be conscious of how it's affecting him but he may be blindly acting out. I have a couple of things I do in my relationship — hobbies, interests — which are mine. I would be really miffed about if my partner suddenly decided to take them up. Talk about it.

We tend to have our roles in relationships. You were the lovely curvy, sexy wife and he was good-looking, slim, fit husband. Now you've changed and the story is different. Maybe he was more visually stimulated by your body when you were morel breasts and bum: men are far more visual than women when it comes to sex. It's possible that a more athletic body doesn't turn him on in the same way. I used to work on women's magazines and assist at fashion shoots and had more than one incredibly tall slim model complain that she couldn't get a sincere boyfriend because she was flat chested and had visible ribs and hip bones, and the men who liked very thin women always turned out to be weirdos. Again, talk about it.

Why should a man or woman be intimate with someone if they dont want to. If he isnt feeling it (for whatever reason) he shouldnt have to perform if he doesnt want to. Although if it ends up being a long term problem then that would need addressed.

@SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend

glad to hear you’re going to do what YOU wants with YOUR body. 😀 It’s the way it should always be. Others can have a preference but ultimately it’s the person whose body it is that has the final say on it.

I dont get why people are finding it weird. Some people prefer a fuller figure. Op was a 14/16 it’s not like she was morbidly obese. It’s perfectly possible her husband preferred her at that size, and I say this as a skinny size 6.

Yeah I know lots of men that would prefer a woman - especially a taller woman at size 14/16. I think some women on MN just can’t imagine due to the social circles they’re in.

And I say taller woman because I’ve noticed size 16 at my height (5ft 1) looks very different from someone a few inches taller.

But I do think it’s sad when because of a relatively moderate change in weight up or down someone can go off their life partner!

Sure, I prefer a certain physique - broad/stocky with strong arms, but my attraction doesn’t hinge on it so if my partner lost or gained a couple of stone I wouldn’t go off him.

I’m am not at all attracted to men who are thin. I think it’s very sad that we’ve internalised the desirability of slimness to such an extent that a man who prefers curvy women is automatically suspected of having a secret agenda.

Making major physical changes in the context of a long term relationship can play out in some very odd ways. Personally I would struggle if my partner radically changed his body type. I wouldn’t leave him! But it would be a problem.

I think your first step is to acknowledge that the change you have made may be one that takes you outside what your husband currently sees as desirable - and to accept that in fact you were not nearly as unattractive - until the weight loss- as you seem to have assumed! You were just attractive in a very different way, and it is likely to take time to work through this change.

This all depends on the reason it was removed, and that's what we're guessing at and commenting on. It's affecting the OP.

OP and DH get together. She is thin.
OP puts on weight. Relationship continues as normal.
OP goes back to weight she was when they met. DH comments on appearance and stops being intimate.

If it's a control/jealousy/insecurity issue - which some people suspect it may be - withdrawing intimacy is a problem.

That is ridiculous and nasty.

Sounds like your husband is a 'chubby chaser' and likes women on the larger side. Many men do but just won't admit to it.
Why don't you discuss it with him?

I don't agree. Some men like what they are used to... which may be curves in OPs case. Now with no curves he has lost physical interest. You can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

All OP can do is talk to her partner about all this...

This thread is wild. The kind of wild I've never seen in reverse.

Some men prefer thin / slim / waif, etc and some men don't. This is one such man. It's not delusional to think some men like fuller women, when fuller women are enjoying happy, sexually satisfying relationships all around us 🤦🏾‍♀️. In some places they fatten women to make them more desirable. There's no one size fits all.

This man was enjoying a great sex life with his fuller-figured wife and now she's no longer that. He's said exactly what the issue is, believe him and give him time to adjust to the change, in the same way he'd need to if you'd ballooned.