The final straw-ripping up his Father’s Day card?

[Nowheregirl2000]

Just wanted to know if I am over reacting. After an argument last night about the lack of intimacy in our relationship, my partner has ripped up his Father’s Day card from the kids. I’m so angry and sad. It seems to nasty to do that. I found it in the bin, not them. I feel like this might be the final thing that makes me separate but I feel awful guilt about splitting the family up.

That is nasty and immature. Poor kids

You and your dc are still a family... Sadly he will still be a cunt.....

What a big baby. What kind of adult behaves like that? I hope the children don’t know he did this.

Sorry my comment wasn't at all helpful. Whether or not you separate depends on a whole load of factors, but he doesn't get to act like that. He doesn't get to bully and manipulate you into having sex with him, and he especially doesn't get to bring the kids into it

What's going on? How is your relationship generally?

That’s heartbreaking. Sorry OP.
Nothing is hotter than an angry, immature sulking man!

@SlugsWon I found it helpful! I feel like I’m trying to down play it as not being that bad. He’s been having therapy for lots of stuff and so I am trying to be understanding. He raised the intimacy issue, he was honest about how he felt, it was a
valid. Then it went on to other things in the relationship and we argued, but not badly. I just don’t know why you would then rip a card up, it seems so pointed. I feel like the tip toeing round his moods, trying to be supportive as he goes through therapy.

Sorry for my shit typing.

It’s great he is communicating, but his actions after are just nasty. You can’t talk things through with a person who acts like a child when the issues are aired. I’ll be honest, I couldn’t get this out of my head - it was an attack on your kids really.

It seems very weird, if you're correct about the connection to your disagreement about intimacy. He'll be the children's dad regardless of the state of his relationship with you and even if there is no relationship between you at all (if you were, say, to divorce). Is the card strongly related to you in his mind - for example, if the kids are tiny, he perhaps knows you made the card or bought it for them to give to him? I'd probably find a way to remind him - if and when you can bear to speak to him - that while the relationship between the two of you may end, he's a dad forever and no longer has the right to be utterly and only a child himself.

Mixed. Surface level is good, we get along well and rarely argue. He has always had mental health issues and seeks help but living with it is very hard. I feel like I need to accommodate the moods and not rock the boat. I can deal with a lot, but the ripping of the card has really hit a fucking nerve.

Are your DC also tip toeing around this idiot?

What about sexual intimacy? You say he's getting help for his mental health issues but still has moods. If you're walking on eggshells he could be abusive, it may not be 'mental health' at all.

Ask him calmly whether the lack of sex (a problem between two adults) justified rejecting a card from his children like that. There is no logical connection between the argument and ripping the card up, other than immaturity and spite.

Unfortunately for men, anger seems to be the only way they know how to express emotional pain. Whatever the emotion, whatever the cause, it comes out as anger. Few of them are willing to look behind the anger to see what is really wrong. If he is already in therapy, maybe he will get there.

Was it in the recycling or general waste?

No, they are too young to notice. My worry is that they will when they get older and that’s shit for them. I’m torn between supporting someone who has had an awful start in life, then having mental health issues throughout and is seeking therapy, but then does something so mean. It’s only a card but I feel so upset.

Therapy can make things “worse” before they get better. Unpicking lots of big stuff can take time to deal with, but no matter what, it’s not ok to take it out on others & the ripping up of the Father’s Day card will etch itself in the children’s memory. Can you not step back from him for a while, have some breathing space and give the kids room to just be themselves? Do you have parents you could perhaps stay with over the summer holidays? Go camping? Just get some space & see how it makes you- and the children feel. I wager you’ll feel a weight lifted off x

Good on him for going to therapy but that’s not an excuse to be an asshole to you and your children. If he can’t behave with normal decency he should move out while he sorts himself out. Stop the cycle before your children are negatively impacted and then learn this is how you treat people.

General. Right at the top, not hidden. Ripped up into 6 pieces. The kids could easily have found it. It was definitely placed to make a point to me.

It is not a woman’s or children’s responsibility to support these damaged men.

You can have empathy and love for him but chose a better life for you and the children.

Do not kid yourself the children don’t know. They always know and from a much much younger age than we realise.

Sorry but I’m all for separation.

He’s been through therapy a few times. I understand why, there’s a lot to talk through and he will always carry some stuff with him through life. Every time he is in therapy it is hard on everyone and I try to be supportive. As he has been supportive of me when I’ve had difficulties.

I’ve found all the times he has not been with us recently to be a massive relief. No moodiness, lack of presence. I wonder that’s the sign to separate. But then the kids would be devastated, they are very close to him.

His actions were designed to cause the maximum amount of emotional harm to you - he knew how much it would hurt - let me guess it was on the top of the bin where he knew you would find it? He sounds abusive.

No, it was a personalised card with a picture of the kids on the front. So I saw their ripped up faces when I opened the bin. He’s not chucked his gifts or the homemade stuff thry made.

that sounds hard work op