The final straw-ripping up his Father’s Day card?

[Nowheregirl2000]

Just wanted to know if I am over reacting. After an argument last night about the lack of intimacy in our relationship, my partner has ripped up his Father’s Day card from the kids. I’m so angry and sad. It seems to nasty to do that. I found it in the bin, not them. I feel like this might be the final thing that makes me separate but I feel awful guilt about splitting the family up.

Nasty behaviour. Keep strong for your children.

wow that is horrible! Did you ever confront her about this as an adult?

This sounds exactly like what my dad would have done to 'get at' my mum in an argument.

It sounds like your partner, like my dad, is a person who puts the importance of his kids feelings below the importance of punishing you in an argument. I know you said they're too young to realise the card isn't there, but are they old enough to have been upset if they saw it in the bin? My 2.5 year old is only just old enough to do some scribbles in the card and he'd be devastated if he found it ripped up.

Assuming even that they're literally babies and wouldn't have a clue - are you to believe that he will stop doing things like this once they are old enough to know? Because that happens sooner than you'd think. Are we saying that once you have a 2 year old who can scribble a black line in the card, he'd never dream of ripping the card up?

I highly doubt it.

What kind of person can rip up a picture of their kids smiling faces? Could you do that, honestly? Go and look at a picture of your kids. Could you feel comfortable just ripping it up right now? And then putting the pieces on top of the bin?

I'd get out of the relationship. There is no amount of compensating you can do as the sane parent to make this kind of thing ok and have no impact on them.

I put people like him, like my dad, in the same category as the kind of men who abandon their families and are only interested in a relationship with their kids if they can 'keep' (or win back) the wife too. My own mum's dad was just like this. He raised her for 7 years then abandoned her, never to be seen again. He had no interest in seeing his kids unless my grandmother would take him back.

I know that might seem like an overgeneralisation, but this kind of coldness and nastiness sends my spider senses tingling. I don't trust a person who sees their kids as an extension of their wife to the point they do horrible things that would upset the kids with the purpose of hurting the wife. Something's broken inside these people. He can fix it himself in his own therapy if that's what he wants, but he can do it for himself.

Sorry just seen they're 5 and 9. They are 100% old enough to notice the card gone and I'd be amazed if the 9 year old didn't notice.

Not only that, they're old enough to have potentially been the ones who saw the pieces in the bin.

Your partner is an extremely cruel man.

Please don't excuse it in your head that he didn't think about the possibility they'd find out. This is my dad all over. Had they found it, he'd have been even happier because they'd have been devastated and he'd blame you for causing them so much upset, which would have been an even bigger punishment.

@Teenybub
that was upsetting to me to even read as an adult. What pure cruelty xx

Having an awful start in life is not an excuse. My DN had the worst childhood imaginable but is a wonderful parent and partner. You need to stop this cycle continuing, otherwise your children will be the ones with horrible memories and mental health issues.

Hope you're doing ok OP.

And also I'm thinking of all the pps, and people reading this, who are being reminded of our own childhoods. We're not alone. It was never our fault.

I don't think living with a man like that is good for your kids. I feel so upset for them. They are living with rejection from him every day. Better to be safe and happy than have two parents living together for the sake of it.

He sounds as if he has the potential to behave very badly/maybe dangerously during a divorce.
I would make secret plans and leave once you’re ready. Keep the pieces of the card and screenshots of his awful texts as you may need them to show how unfit he is to parent.

They're not married and he's the kids primary parent, unfortunately.

He did this and expects sex off you? What a clown. Id make plans to leave personally.

I'm so sorry you and the kids are living like this OP. His issues don't give him a free pass to act like a cunt. My Ex was just the same. As PP have said he is a master manipulator. An excellent book for you is Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. I will help you see his behavior for what it is, an that is abusive. I didn't see it myself for many years. Don't be me

Oh, sorry OP but your kids are not too young to notice. I thought the same. They absolutely were badly effected by my Exs behavior and have had therapy themselves

Hi OP. That was a terrible thing for your DH to do, and you know that. The question is how to navigate the next steps.

I wanted to reply because my DH has a pretty unpleasant temper also. He wouldn't do anything quite as hurtful as ripping up a card like that, but he can massively overreact to things. Not that it's any excuse - but he often finds family-focused events like father's day or Christmas 'triggering' because he has a shit relationship with his own family. In fact, yesterday he lost his temper over a very minor thing - a completely disproportionate response to what should have been a small irritation. It was unacceptable.

I've been with DH a long time also, and to be honest I often wonder if it would have been better if we separated when the children were younger. Our kids are teens now and doing public exams etc, so it's not a good time to split. But I've told him that I will not grow old with an angry man so he needs to find ways to manage that if he wants to stay with me. He doesn't behave this way with colleagues or friends, so why should we get the brunt of it?

You need to ask yourself if your DH has the capacity to change his behaviour. It's encouraging he's going to therapy, but the card thing is shocking. Not sure I could come back from that tbh...

As an aside - I think he also struggles with the lack of intimacy in our relationship! But if he's going to act like a big angry baby having a tantrum, I'm not going to feel inclined to have sex with him 😂

@Janie143 'his issues don't give him a free pass to act like a cunt'.
I couldn't have put this better myself. 😂

Children first always. His mental health or their future mental health. You choose.

During a split. And she’ll obv be wanting him not to be the primary career, going forward.

"I’m torn between supporting someone who has had an awful start in life, then having mental health issues throughout and is seeking therapy, but then does something so mean."

The above really stands out to me. Sorry to be brutal but HE isn't your responsibility. It's your kids. You don't have a responsibility to "save" or even help him. You shouldn't sacrifice yourself by staying with/accepting abusive behaviour. Appreciate if is easier said than done but I'd not want the kids exposed to this sort of behaviour - as you've said it was chance you saw the ripped up picture of your kids (unacceptable).

Therapy for abusive people is just another way for them to manipulate you. They learn all the right things to say without ever taking it in or changing a single thing.

Please take steps to leave. I know it isn't easy. But you're not breaking up your family. He will end up breaking your sanity and your children as they get older if you do not make a change now. It's no life for your kids, but it's also no life for you, and you matter too. You have an upper hand being the higher earner. Start getting your ducks in a row and seeing what you can do. It doesn't have to be tomorrow but it has to be soon. You can't live like that anymore.

Sex isn't an owed service. Is an act for mutual pleasure.

Coersive control, eg: harassing, manipulating or guilting women into sex, is illegal.

Children don't deserve to be brought up in a home where their mother is being abused. They do know it's going on btw, even if it's just the atmosphere. They need to know we don't stay in abusive relationships.

Life is short. Don't waste it with this dick.

OP didn't write that she wants to prevent him continuing being primary parent? Of course he's scum, but the status quo is him being the main parent.

This.

Why does he think it was a shit Father’s Day?

Saying something like that and saying the card was a tick box thing with no effort makes me think he needs adulation for doing basic parenting. What sort of a person says their Father’s Day card is shit? They usually are, but that’s not the point. My DH said I didn’t need to do anything for Father’s Day. I had to remind him it’s not actually just about him. The DC would have been devastated if I hadn’t organised them to do something.

My mum died a few years ago so Mother’s Day is always tricky. Do I let that impact on what my DC so for me? I do not. They bring me cold toast & tepid coffee and present me with the present I bought myself on their behalf (my DH is rubbish!) and chuck me the cards they chose when we were in the shop and I ooo and ahhh and say how wonderful everything is. I’m not a mum for the praise. My children are more important than being told I’m wonderful.

Life sounds like it would be a lot better without him. You may even find that he turns out to be a better dad if he doesn’t have to live with the DC. Some men are just not cut out for relationships. They just damage those they’re meant to love. If you leave with the kids, you may well protect them from being damaged too much.

At 5 and 9 your kids definately can see the way their parents are treating each other. They are likely finding fault in themselves as if their dad's reactions are their fault. Do not think at 5 and definately not at 9 they are not picking up on this and it is damaging them.

Ok….
So my dad had an awful start in life. I’m sure he has c-PTSD due to that. He is still having regular nightmares at 80yo and my parebts don’t sleep in the same bed due to that (my dad would move so much during those he would hit my mum in her sleep and she would end up covered in bruises).

Now one of the way it showed up is my dad flying off the handle for the smallest thing. My mum found all sort of excuses to explain that - mental issues, hard time in childhood etc etc. She accepted it.

Result: at 80yo my dad is still the same.
i see them only occasionally because it’s too stressful. My (adult) DCs aren’t keen to go and see them either.
Im dealing with childhood trauma and c-PTSD myself. And a life time of very unhelpful behaviours including always finding reasons for people, dh included, to treat me badly.
And yes this also influenced the way I was with my own dcs.

Now let’s be clear:
Whatever has happened in his childhood is his to deal with.
It doesn’t give him a trump card to not learn to be regulated around people.
It doesn’t allow him to use you as an emotional punching bag.
Its not your role to help him get better.
His behaviour is abusive.
And your dcs will remember. Maybe not clear cut memories. But they’ll remember the shouting, their own experience of the fight or fly, the walking on eggshell.