The final straw-ripping up his Father’s Day card?

[Nowheregirl2000]

Just wanted to know if I am over reacting. After an argument last night about the lack of intimacy in our relationship, my partner has ripped up his Father’s Day card from the kids. I’m so angry and sad. It seems to nasty to do that. I found it in the bin, not them. I feel like this might be the final thing that makes me separate but I feel awful guilt about splitting the family up.

Bullshit. If that was true, that would have still been crap, but he could have quietly stuffed it into the bottom of the recycling.

He did this to hurt you, and he texted you about it to hurt you more, manipulate you and make you feel like shit. I’d be done at this point too.

He has broken up this family unit by the ways he has treated you and in turn the kids. Why would you feel guilty about raising them in a home without him in it day to day?.

Do you really think the kids will be devastated of he were to leave; they see how you react to him and likely think the same. They do not want to see you upset so they likely tip toe around him too because he is volatile and remains so. They do not want to become a target. You're probably all very quiet and subservient in his presence and that is also why you and he do not row. He has sucked the very life out of you.

Not at all surprised to read about his therapy and MH issues either; he's using them as a justification to lash out. I put it to you that he's using supposed MH issues as a stick to beat you with because he is abusive. That is also why therapy is unsuccessful in his case. To him it's everyone else's fault and not his. He ripped up that card deliberately and it was designed to hurt. He knows the kids are your achilles heel here and will use that against you too.

You have a choice re him. They do not.

And his recent text message (note he has not even bothered to speak to you directly) is another line of BS on his part.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

However, the placing of the pieces suggests it was done spitefully, to hurt you, including potentially via upsetting the kids. That is downright nasty imo.

“Yeah. He’s just texted me o say he did it as he didn’t want a reminder of a shit Father’s Day.”

im sorry op, but I’d seriously be considering this as my cue to exit the relationship. Who does that? I had an ex who would manipulate me - bring me flowers after he’d fucked up (badly)then when I threw them in the bin, told me my daughter chose them (in front of her). These men know what they are doing. They know using the kids to hurt you will punish you twice for whatever they think you’ve done wrong, and it won’t get better. Make plans to leave. He’s awful.

Someone has asked if he’s done this type of thing before. I can’t remember him ever doing something quite as nasty, no. He will blame me for his behaviour though, that’s a pattern.

Nasty. No wonder You're cooling off the intimacy side of things. He's gross.

If he blames you don’t argue just quietly repeat that ripping up the card was a conscious decision on his part.
It is not on you.
He needs to own his behaviour.

That is a shocking low. If you were keeping him around for the sake of the kids, at least he's blown that reasoning out of the water. He's not good for them

It’s helping to read that I’m not overreacting. I’m pretty tough and stoic and resilient but I think that’s meant I’ve overlooked a lot as I thought I could handle it. This is no way to live though, and so reading the responses is truly helpful.

That was very cruel.

I assume his childhood was rough, from what you say?

Tell him he's re-creating the very thing that fucked him up.

He needs a massive shock, because his pattern of always blaming you suggests a deep psychological problem. This will take an extremely good therapist to fix, if its even possible.

Please take care of yourself and the dc.

Blaming the long suffering partner for their choice of behaviour is something abusive men do. It is never their fault in their heads, someone else is always to blame.

Look at his parents OP; chances are one of them acts like he does too. What sort of a household did he grow up in?.

Did you happen to meet this person when you were very young and or in a bad place yourself?. He targeted you as someone he could go onto abuse and otherwise mistreat.

What is the situation re the finances and property?. How can you start to extricate yourself from this individual if indeed this is what you want now?.

Not rocking the boat properly means you’re giving in to his ‘moods’ . Personally I don’t think enough thought is given to the families of people who suffermental health issues that cause the family to ‘tip toe ‘ around the person. Living in this situation must be a nightmare for all concerned….especially children.

I'm almost 40 and had an argument with my dad on Father's day 2 years ago, the last time I spoke to him. My sister told me he'd gave her the Father's Day card to give back to me. It hurts but I wasn't super surprised as he has form for being petty. Ripping a card up from children seems so personal, so... Intimately hateful. I'd struggle to get past that, regardless of circumstance. So glad your children didn't see it, what would hurting them achieve, why would he take his conversation with you out on the children? It may just be a card, but it was a card from his children to their father, he's just disregarded it rubbish. So unnecessarily hurtful.

I'd reply ' should I rip up our marriage certificate as I don't want a reminder of a shit marriage'. But I won't recommend it - he's got to be the victim in all this hasn't he. What struck me is the need for multiple rounds of therapy - is that to keep you all tip toeing round him ? Do you think he's manipulating you with his need for 'therapy'.

Only have a minute, I just want to tell you that he is responsible for his mental health, not you, and whilst it's good to support, don't do it to your own detriment. He's choosing to behave like this, you're not causing it and his mental health is no excuse.

You are correct OP - this is no way to live.

BTW many people have shit childhoods and they do not all choose to go onto abuse or otherwise their own family units. So that is not excuse or justification either. the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Your children, regardless of age, will notice how things are between you and he and they do pick up on all the vibes here both spoken and unspoken. If you are walking on eggshells they will learn to copy because they do not want to become his target either. Living with someone like he is exhausting both mentally and physically because he keeps on moving the goalposts.

I'd put a crisp fiver on it therapy is being used by him as a way of emotionally beating up the OP. And it's not working because he is at heart abusive so no amount of therapy can help him. He refuses to take any responsibility for his actions.

He’s texted me now. He ripped it up because he says the kids had nothing to do with it and it was a tick box exercise. Anyway, it doesn’t really matter the reason. This is so unhealthy, I really think it’s done.

Your children deserve better.
You deserve better.

You can't wait for him to hurt them before you act.

So it was done to punch you for some imagined transgression in his head.

Time for you and he to part ways; how can you be helped into doing this?. If he is at work currently (and I daresay he does not speak to his work colleagues in the ways he does to you) gather up all important documents together and start formulating an exit plan. Contact Womens Aid too.

Ugh he just gets worse. What a big baby. Ick!!!

My very abusive father did this to my mother. My older siblings weee much too young to know but it wasn’t an act aimed at them it was to hurt my mother. He only ever escalated from there. What your husband did was targeted, abusive behaviour, it is horrible.

What was he expecting ? Marching bands and a flypast by the red Arrows?

The children are too young to understand their father is abusive.
You need to put yourself first so you can look after them and create a safe home environment.
I don’t care what this man’s issues are, he has no right to abuse you.
I am sure if you’d bought no card he’d have reacted.
Whatever you do for him doesn’t work as he’s taking all of his ills out on you.
What I took from your words is how more peaceful life is when he is not around.
I know it’s tough, but if this carries on he will behave like this when your children are really aware.
You have a right to live in your own home in peace.
You have done enough for this man, he’s the type who could go to therapy forever but he’s not going to change.
And why would anyone want intimacy with a man who treats her this way?
He thinks you will just stay and he can abuse you indefinitely as that is his right.
I would find a new life without him and live with some level of peace. He will damage your children if you stay.