The final straw-ripping up his Father’s Day card?

[Nowheregirl2000]

Just wanted to know if I am over reacting. After an argument last night about the lack of intimacy in our relationship, my partner has ripped up his Father’s Day card from the kids. I’m so angry and sad. It seems to nasty to do that. I found it in the bin, not them. I feel like this might be the final thing that makes me separate but I feel awful guilt about splitting the family up.

Therapy can’t stop someone from being a shit person by the way - there is a point where you are allowed to say there has not been enough progress to make continuing the relationship a worthwhile use of your time and energy

Yep. Top of the bin, face up. No thought for if the kids had opened it. Very obviously torn up, so they would have known. They are not teeny tiny.

Kids tend to be close to their parents, it's only when they're older they judge if their childhood was good enough.

He would still be their father if you dumped this drain of a man.

A boyfriend is for enhancing your life, making it peaceful and fun. What's the point of this man?

Not sure I could overlook this tbh

No wonder your relationship lacks intimacy - I’m surprised you can bear to even look at him

was it definitely him and not one of your dc?

What a dick.

Put the ripped up pieces of the card on top of the bin bag filled with his ripped up clothes and personal belongings and leave them outside the door.

How fucking DARE he.

God that’s awful op. I’d find it hard to get past that. Do you have access to your own counselling? If not it might be useful to help you work through this?

I think the thoughtlessness of ripping up the card and environmental impact of not recycling would be enough for me to finish things.

So how does he justify getting back at you by hurting the children?

What is the intimacy issue? Does he think he's not getting enough? Or are you feeling neglected?

He sounds to be a very unhappy man to do such a thing as ripping up the card. Sad people can be very hard to live with. If the therapy he is having is not working maybe he should go to GP and look at treatment.

sounds like the final straw op.

This is really fucked up. So you chose and ordered the card with photos of them on it and he’s done this as a fuck you gesture to you, not caring at all how hurt they could have been by his actions. I don’t think I could forgive and overlook that.

If you're always tiptoeing around him and anticipating the next explosion, maybe it’s time for you to get angry with him and stop appeasing and tolerating his bullshit. Tell him exactly what a disgusting thing that was to do and how angry it’s made you.

dont hang around to suggest he sees a GP op

@Nowheregirl2000 From experience, please don't minimise this to "it's just a card". He has done this to hurt you and to make a point. For all you know this is just the start. Please evaluate what this man/relationship is doing to you and will soon impact on your children. They arent stupid, even though they are young they can pick up on so much more than you realise in the moment.

My eldest DC's dad used to break my possessions or things there was emotional significance in. It started discreetly and he'd get some sort of dopamine hit in the wait for me finding it, to then doing it infront of me. Believe me, it only gets worse not better and the day he stood in front of me and ripped up our child's birth certificate was the eye opener to get out! Like you, he had 'past issues' so in the beginning I was more tolerant to excusing the behaviour but slowly it was chipping me away to nothing. Previous trauma does not give anyone a right to hurt others in any way, nor does it make it any better than doing it just for fun.

Hmm sound like he's checked out the family life completely.

The lack of intimacy makes me wonder if there's more to this and theres someone else in the picture (or was in the picture).

I bought my kids animal shaped decorations for the Xmas tree one year and my EX-h ripped the head clean off one because he was having a tantrum. I spent SOOOO many years excusing appalling behaviour with similar tales of woe that he told but OP that is NO excuse for trying to coerce you into sex using emotional ties to your children. The two are not linked. He is vile and I strongly recommend, based on experience, that you stop flogging this dead horse as that’s his personality, not his trauma I’m afraid. It’s an insult to nice people who are dealing with terrible things and not treating the people who love them like utter shit, you all deserve better

Abusive men will hurt (psychologically, emotionally, physically, sexually) their children as an indirect way of hurting you, their mother. They know mothers feel the pain of an insult or attack on their children even more than one on themselves. Domestic abusers often hurt much loved pets for the same reason.

Yep. Top of the bin, face up. No thought for if the kids had opened it. Very obviously torn up, so they would have known. They are not teeny tiny.

So he's willing to risk upsetting the kids to hurt you. That would be an end point for me.

Having troubles doesn't excuse him being deliberately nasty to you.

Don't minimise this. The fact he hasn't binned everything shows it wasn't a rage moment, he didn't lose the plot and Chuck everything in a moment of temper. He carefully picked the thing that meant the least to him, but would hurt you. Then carefully placed it so you would find it.

Has he been deliberately nasty or spiteful on other occasions?

Yeah. He’s just texted me o say he did it as he didn’t want a reminder of a shit Father’s Day.

Gob smacked at that, he knew that would hurt you.
Lack of sex caused this twatish behaviour.? No way would I ever sleep with someone who did this again and that's without all the other rubbish going on.
The kids might adore him now but they need protecting from the moods and egg shells in the long term.

It won't get better, that behaviour is not due to MH issues. He wanted to hurt you, he actively chose to do so.

Do not allow this behaviour, it will escalate. Please don't bring up your children in this damaging environment.

If he had a bad start to life he has a responsibility to ensue his kids don't. But he's choosing to go the other way and be an arse, so you have to make the choices to protect them instead.

What a complete wanker and waste of space he really is. So he has a mantrum because he had a shit fathers day inspite of the card and gifts the kids gave him.
FFS.

What a twat. Do you think there's something else going on with h him? I see you mentioned the argument about intimacy, is he being different with you, cold and secretive?
It's a cruel thing to do , knowing your kids could find it.
Seems you have put up with enough and ready to leave. May be for the best for the kids in the long run, before they start noticing how awful he really is.

I wish there was a thank you response so I can thank everyone who is posting, it’s helping me see the wood for the trees. I can’t quite manage to respond to everyone.