The final straw-ripping up his Father’s Day card?

[Nowheregirl2000]

Just wanted to know if I am over reacting. After an argument last night about the lack of intimacy in our relationship, my partner has ripped up his Father’s Day card from the kids. I’m so angry and sad. It seems to nasty to do that. I found it in the bin, not them. I feel like this might be the final thing that makes me separate but I feel awful guilt about splitting the family up.

I'd find it hard to stop myself saying something similar (but also agree it's not necessarily the right thing to do!)

I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who would rip up a picture of his own children either - and I'd also tell him that too.

I also agree with @Fluffyholeysocks that the multiple rounds of therapy could point to there being 'a lot to work through' but could also point to someone who doesn't actually want to take any responsibility or get better, and is just wanting a therapist or anyone to reinforce for him how much of a victim he is. Or indeed wants to keep using his 'mental health' as a reason to be an utter cunt to you whenever the mood takes him, but you can't say anything because he's got mental health you know, and look he's in therapy - how evil you must be not to support him with that etc etc.

Poor mental health is not an excuse to be cruel and deliberately hurtful to people who are trying to love you. And 'being supportive' doesn't mean tolerating abuse.

He’s probably describing his own view about getting cards for you with the “tick box exercise” comment. It’s a shitty way to think about these things.

Interesting he’s texted about it twice though, I wonder if he’s starting to panic that he went too far. What reaction do you think he’s looking for from you?

I agree with pp, if you rarely row because you’re always holding back your authentic reactions to his behaviour in order to keep the peace, that’s really really bad for your long term health and happiness.

I echo every single word of this. It won't get better OP, it'll probably get worse as he gets older. Get out now whilst you've still got years ahead of you.

"Ripping a card up from children seems so personal, so... Intimately hateful."

Yes, he did it to hurt you, OP. And he either didn't care that the kids could have found it, or he would have liked them to find it so that he could then blame you for "making me hurt the kids".

This is fucked up thinking, OP. And that blame-wife-for-my-own-actions thinking is a total HALLMARK of an ABUSIVE man.

Having a terrible childhood does not excuse abusive behaviour. Nothing does.

You mentioned that the kids adore him. You may not realise this, but children often become anxiously pleasing and apparently 'adoring' with a parent who is volatile and makes them feel unsafe. They are dependents, they are likely to feel that they have to keep Dad calm and happy so that he doesn't get mad.

This is an EXTREMELY unhealthy environment for children to grow up in. If you split, the children will be with you - the sane, calm, devoted, steady parent - at least 50% of the time (probably more). That's better than living 100% of the time walking on eggshells around this mean moody man.

You also said the kids would be 'devastated' by the split. You also said "I’ve found all the times he has not been with us recently to be a massive relief. No moodiness, lack of presence."

I bet you the kids were also relieved deep down, OP. Staying with this man risks them lifelong torment and therapy bills, whereas leaving calmly and setting up 2 houses and coparenting will not.

He ripped up the kids fathers day card and left it at the top of the bin where anyone could find it because you didn't want to have sex with him. Did he think that would make you want to fuck him? I'm repulsed by him. He's an abusive manipulative mam child throwing his toys our of the pram because he didn't get hus will wet on fathers day.

Leave him,childhood trauma and poor mental health isn't an excuse to treat people like shit. Also, why would he want to cause his own kids trauma? That's what he would have done if they had found the card with their little faces ripped up in the bin. Don't let them think this is what a partner or a dad is.

He’s not panicking, he’s doubling down. I knew he would blame me, find fault with the card, he always has to find blame. He does not know that I was so upset that I’ve called in sick. Flitting between googling solicitors and feeling terrified about telling the children.

I wouldn’t be able to forgive someone for ripping up a photo of my children. It is a vicious and deliberately cruel thing to do. I’m sorry, OP.

That action sounds abusive, and that feeling of tiptoeing around and trying to placate someone who might blow at any minute if another indicator of abuse. Of course he might not be abusive but I’d have a look at this and see if you feel any of it is valid. If it is please remember that mental health difficulties are not an excuse for abusive behaviour, that abuse escalates and that a perpetrator rarely changes, unless they fully recognise and accept they are abusive and engage with some significant work, such as attending a perpetrator programme.

I would be tempted to reply that it doesn’t matter why he did it, it was a really shitty and hurtful thing that he chose to do of his own free will. And ask him how does he think the kids would have felt if they had seen it, the way he so carefully placed all the pieces facing up at the top of the bin?

I’ve been the child in this situation, both younger and as an adult. It doesn’t get any better and you notice younger than you might imagine. Please leave for your kids sake. Mental health or not this constant walking on eggshells is going to seriously impact them

Ah fuck him OP, this is no way to live. He’s a shitty shitty person and you deserve so much better.

Forget replying to him, start making your plans, one step at a time.

Make the most of this bonus day you now have to start making a list. There are lots of good threads on here about the practical steps. The kids will be fine and you don’t have to tell him or them anything until you’re ready.

It will be hard but so worth it to live a peaceful life.

Yes, my texting him is only adding fuel to the fire. I’m not replying now. I don’t really know where to start with plans. This has all blown up so quickly that I can’t focus.

Why don't you talk through his behaviour with a DV charity like woman's aid or the domestic abuse helplin. It might help you to dicuss what he's doing and how it makes you feel. They might be able to help you make a plan to leave but also to minimise the harm ro the children. How best to approach divorce or separation with an abusive man.

Womens aid

gingerbread the single parent charity

even the samaritans.

be kind to yourself OP. You are doing really well here. We are proud of you for realising what you need to do. Sending you warm wishes and strength

Before I get chance to read the whole thread. My first thought was his resentment towards the young-family dynamic that comes with small kids, and is without doubt an all-consuming time for both parents. I've heard of men resenting this period and all it requires of them, including the opportunity for intimacy with their partners. This is what I would see as the significance of the father's day card.
This however does not excuse his behaviour. What he did was abhorrent and he needs to find a better way to deal with his emotions. He is not the only one having to make sacrifices while the kids are young. To resent the children signals potential harm to their mental health as they grow up.

What an awful thing to do, shows a complete lack of respect, love or care. I don’t care how upset he is about having a shit Father’s Day, but he’s used your dc to get at you. As you said, does he not realise how upset the dc would be if they’d seen the card

Editing/ deleting because you're right and already said it yourself - no point replying it's adding fuel to the fire.

I'm just terrible at wanting the last word always! But actually, you've better things to be focusing on and your silence will no doubt say a lot more anyway.

You don't need to do anything quickly. Breathe. You need to be certain in the action you take and strategic. I think your better to say nothing. Let it be brushed under the carpet and make a plan. If you tell him your done now life at home will be unbearable. IMO, you'd be better talking to woman's aid to make an exit plan and talking to a solicitor to see what documents you need to gather before you leave or how best to go about things. I'd also suggest you get a child arrangement order because he's very performative. I'd be worried that he won't return the kids to hurt you when he has contact.

When you have time, read Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that?" He's a clinical psychologist who specializes in abusive men.

At the heart of it, abusive men abuse others - their wife, their children - because they feel entitled to. They know what they're doing, and they do it PURPOSELY to gain/maintain control.

A really really clear flashing neon sign that someone is an abuser is when they say,

"I behaved abusively because you made me."

Your H is an abuser. You will see your H in the pages of "Why does he do that?"

Its good to be “tough and stoic and resilient” in life—but not in a romantic relationship! There is nothing to endure in a good relationship. You aren’t supposed to have to harden yourself or withstand cruelty or abuse from your partner.

https://ia601407.us.archive.org/6/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

What a complete arsehole he sounds. Fuck surface level optics being OK, this is how he really feels. It's just so mean-spirited.

I think ripping up a card with the picture of his children on and then putting it in the bin with their faces up so you would see it as soon as you opened the bin is actually quite sinister.

I would view that as a threat towards my children frankly and would be carefully planning my exit route ASAP.

He is mentally ill.

It's not your job to fix him.

And neither is it your children's.

Inflicting this man on them could do far, far worse damage than taking them to safety. Ask any of the women here who were brought up in this kind of atmosphere.

He has deliberately and systematically destroyed an object that you took time and care to create and appreciate him, and that literally represented the children. Ripped up and binned.

It's only a short step to doing something far worse.

This is threatening behaviour that could indicate a clear warning that worse is to come.

He needs to fix himself. Therapy, medication, whatever it is.

Your poor children, having to live with this.

You need help.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/