The final straw-ripping up his Father’s Day card?

[Nowheregirl2000]

Just wanted to know if I am over reacting. After an argument last night about the lack of intimacy in our relationship, my partner has ripped up his Father’s Day card from the kids. I’m so angry and sad. It seems to nasty to do that. I found it in the bin, not them. I feel like this might be the final thing that makes me separate but I feel awful guilt about splitting the family up.

That’s awful and makes me want to give your “younger you” a massive hug. My mum could be a bit a bit cold sometimes and I can actually remember all the individual times she cuddled me.

He sounds like he struggles to control his emotions. I’m guessing that he can go from 0 to 100 quicker than most, which probably puts you on edge. I think you need to guard your own mental health, and that of your children. It’s OK to support someone but they need to be able to do the same for the other person. If that doesn’t happen then the relationship will eventually start to feel like a sentence to be endured. If this is all true, is it worth it?

I’ve found all the times he has not been with us recently to be a massive relief. No moodiness, lack of presence. I wonder that’s the sign to separate. But then the kids would be devastated, they are very close to him.

This tells you all you need to know. I grew up in a house with someone who affected the whole mood. It was, and still is, horrible. Your kids will pick up on this if they have not done so already, and like it or not they will be learning how to modify their behaviour around him, no matter how close they are. I really hope you will find the strength to leave OP.

So if you don't obey him, he punishes the children.
I'd say he's nasty but also dumb as a rock, it shouldn't be too difficult to erase him from your lives provided you can be clever and strategic.

Absolutely this. I have been to hell and back in my healing journey but the minute it started affecting our home life I took steps to stop it ever happening again. There is NO excuse. Put your kids first, your duty is to them not an adult man throwing a tantrum.

That “transactional in our intimate relationship” phrase - does that maybe mean you don’t want to have sex with him when he’s recently been treating you like crap?? That’s not transactional, it’s completely normal to want to be treated with a normal amount of respect.

It sounds like he’s been telling his therapist a load of BS and they’re not seeing through it, and confirming his version of events for him, which is making him feel more and more entitled.

I hope you’re feeling ok OP, it sounds like today has been a massive shock with what happened and also what everyone is saying to you on this thread so please be gentle with yourself.

They are not too young to notice. I regularly have people in for trauma resolution who remember things from two or three years old. Please don't think that they aren't experiencing this along with you.

As usual, the first few posts = nail on head.

Leave. He will always be the sort of person that rips up his kids cards over something that is nothing to do with them. He is low life.

What a thoroughly nasty thing to do. He is willing to risk hurting his children just so he can get at his wife who he thinks doesn’t provide enough sex. Absolutely vile. Chilling.

His MH issues are a red herring here. I wouldn’t be able
to get past this. So sorry OP.

What did he say when you challenged him about it?

I hope he tells his therapist what he did

Hasn't given the presents back...

Twat

He'll go for majority childcare

He'll play nasty

Be careful

How are your finances organised? Does he contribute to mortgage and bills?
It is certainly worth starting to get ducks in a row, whatever you decide to do in the next month.

You need to speak to a solicitor before you do anything else. If he is primary carer, you need to make sure that it doesn’t end with him having residency & you paying child support.

Start rearranging child care etc so that you can have the DC at least 50:50. Look into wrap around care or compressing work hours. You might need to play the long game here.

There is a implication here that he is only willing to act as a father figure towards the children if you provide him with sex. In other words he doesn't have a sense of duty and responsibility towards the children rather he sees them as things to be used to control you and get what he wants.
As pointed out by pps there is a risk that if you separate he will punish the children in order to hurt and control you.

Kindly OP, your children are aware of more than you think they are.

You all deserve better. He's choosing to lash out at everyone but himself. This is something he can control and isn't.

He seems to be the transactional one, in his behaviour towards all of you.

Are you sure? Or are they just desperate to cling to him because he's their dad?

I've learned to be very wary of claims that children "adore" (or similar) their father. It's often a sign of insecure attachment.

By the way, this sort of behaviour by him really isn't going to help you get in the mood is it. Quite the opposite.

OP, I had a baby handprint pottery tile made for my H for 1st Father's Day.
It was a big thing as I'm disabled, baby was ill, we had to travel to make it as well as pay. It was tasteful and a lovely keepsake of a much wanted ivf baby.
He glanced at it & said: 'a bit twee, you keep it - I expect you got it for you really'
I should have gone then. 20 years later I'm finally Divorced ... Don't be me.

Ignore the texts. Tell the kids when it's all arranged. Plenty time then.
Call 2 or 3 solicitors for a free 15mins on phone/meet up.
Choose one you feel Ok with - you need good advice & it can be emotional.
Meantime, gather as much financial paperwork as you can. Passports, certificates, bank statements. Originals.
You could look at an online Women's Aid course or call them for back up.
(he is likely to behave worse when he knows you are Divorcing)
Keep posting here.
Good luck. Give yourself a day re the shock but crack on before he makes you doubt your own knowledge. He is a person who cannot take responsibility and will hurt your children as well as you. They deserve better and so do YOU xxx

Beyond mean OP, what an idiot.
We can all do things in anger we later regret but this is horrible.
You obviously went to a lot of effort for Father's day.
Please try and talk to your husband calmly and rationally about his behaviour which is unacceptable.
I hope he regrets his actions.
Good luck OP x

You don't need to tell my to everyone individually. Don't let the support overwhelm you!

he might see the card as being transactional & from you, but that's NOT how your kids would have seen it. As far as they are concerned that's the card (& with the photo of them!!) that THEY gave Daddy- why would he rip it up?' doesn't he like it? Doesn't he want a photo of us?

Its time. You've supported him through a lot. Your kids are old enough to be absorbing his behaviour & yours. Surely you don't want them to learn & copy that.

its not going to be easy as you need to sell the house, he's the main care giver & only works part time. So get yourself a bloody good solicitor!!

we are all behind you x

Look at it this way OP.

It was the last Fathers Day card you'll ever waste money on.

BUT

Don't do anything rash. Don't let him realise he's got to you.
Make your plans, but please don't let him find out.

Imagine doing this though?! Just to flip it, I’m a new mother and Mother’s Day cards are incredibly treasured possessions - they’re saved in a box to keep for life. I’m so insanely lucky to have my daughter and people in my life to give me cards, and to be a mother. Those cards represent something so incredibly good and fortunate and precious. I could NEVER destroy them in a fit of temper.

It shows just how little he cares about being a father or about his family, imo.

He kept the cards your DC made so the ripped up one was aimed at you Op, he's doing the classic you'd have more sex with me if you really cared. Sadly a lot of men don't understand sex isn't just for them, if he was nicer you'd feel more like sex with him but he can't seem to see that.
Think carefully before you act Op, he won't make this easy for you and as you're the breadwinner he may try to go for primary custody. Get some legal advice and see if there's changes you need to make before splitting.

His explanation for ripping up the card from his kids (unforgivable and repulsive) makes it even worse. ‘I didn’t want a reminder of a shit father’s day’. He is truly the centre of his own world isn’t he. Kids age 5 and 9 are absolutely old enough to notice that card has disappeared. They may already have done.
You say you feel relief when he is not around and I think that’s your answer. You say your kids adore him but I bet they feel the mood lift too. I would not live like this - monitoring the bin in case my children were at risk of seeing something they’d made torn to shreds in a thoughtless man-child tantrum. Absolutely leave this man and protect your kids from him as much as you can.