The final straw-ripping up his Father’s Day card?

[Nowheregirl2000]

Just wanted to know if I am over reacting. After an argument last night about the lack of intimacy in our relationship, my partner has ripped up his Father’s Day card from the kids. I’m so angry and sad. It seems to nasty to do that. I found it in the bin, not them. I feel like this might be the final thing that makes me separate but I feel awful guilt about splitting the family up.

Completely agree with @BlueRin5eBrigade

He's shown an extreme level of cruelty already, it could get worse if he thinks you're going to leave. I suggest making plans under the radar.

You can do it OP, I've been through a similar thing and I'm no stronger than average.

As you could be about to go through one of the hardest times in your life (but necessary) - gather up all your resources: friends, good solicitor, some easily accesible cash, and make sure you have some solid calming techniques under your belt like breathing exercises etc.

I found staying emotionally steady was absolutely crucial when divorcing while working and looking after young dc.

Are you married? You wouldn't need a solicitor if he's just a boyfriend.
Who owns the house?

Yes, just let him think you’re happy to brush it under the carpet, don’t react to this incident any more, act around him like you are carrying on as normal.

At the same time, start quietly gathering support and making your exit plan. Is there anyone in your life who you could tell what’s happening who would support you through this part?

Calling women’s aid sounds like a very good next step for today, they could help you navigate the overwhelm and conflicting feelings you’re bound to feel and help you figure out what to do next.

You've taken a huge and very brave first step in reaching out here and we will support you through this too.

I’d be using my sick day to either leave or make solid plans.
what a dick!

There is no argument that will get through to him. Engagement is, to an abuser, just another site of abuse. He will simply find another way of blaming her, somehow.

He is weaponising his children and that I could not forgive so I would be organising myself to leave him.

I don’t see what point he was making that means he would think this is ok?

Poor Kids 😢

Big baby - what a nasty pathetic thing to. What on earth do you see in him, he sounds absolutely vile !

What a cunt. Honestly, no, he wouldn't be coming back from that. Absolute child.

What an absolute bastard! Ripping up a generic supermarket card would be shitty enough but a personalised card with your children’s photo on? I’m with you, I’d be done with him. Especially as you say you’re constantly walking on eggshells and he always finds a way to blame you for anything and everything. I’d be done with him and I’d hazard a guess that your children will ultimately be happier because you won’t be constantly on edge.
How old are your children?

You have done enough now trying to support his mental health.
Time now to put the kids first and get away from him before he fucks their mental health.

Like others have said, this was designed to hurt you (and potentailly the kids), and it's likely to escalate rather than get better. Even if you communicate that it wasn't ok, what impact it could have had on the children, boundaries for the future etc and he is sorry and apologies, the chances are that a different boundary gets pushed next time- just far enough over the line to hurt everyone, but not quite far enough for you to feel justified for ending things, and so it goes on and on.

The bottom line is you shouldn't be having to hold and enforce boundaries when it comes to the kids wellbeing. It that's the case, the relationship isn't right for anyone. Sometimes being positive, stable, resilient and supportive of everyone else makes life harder, because you cope with and put up with more shit than you might otherwise do, but it's ok to listen to how it makes you feel and for that to be part of your decision. Also the effect on you is cumulative- whilst each incident doesn't feel 'too bad' at the time, years living on eggshells/in fear of what's coming next adds up and has an impact down the line...good luck- you sound lovely and come across as very balanced and steady in your writing- you've got this which ever way it goes...

I would be taking photos of the ripped up card - it’s not normal to rip up photos of your kids. It’s a red flag to me.

OP his behaviour is so like my ex, textbook. Giant manipulative manchild that can’t control his own emotions and projects them onto you. He’s pathologically not right in the head, this will only get worse, not better. Don’t hang around based on potential, this is him and he’s a dud.

I have been almost exactly where you are @Nowheregirl2000 , and @AttilaTheMeerkat and others on here helped me realise that what was happening was abusive. Like you I had always been stoic and coped - absorbing a lot of nastiness over time to keep our family ship afloat - and and then one day, almost one moment, I was done, over something apparently small that was actually huge, and made the scales fall from my eyes.

There is no need to do anything in a hurry as others have said, allow your thoughts time to coalesce, and then when you are ready find yourself a good solicitor - ideally one who understands abuse (not all of them do, I can recommend mine if that would be helpful). In the meantime, quietly gather the information you need and appear to your H to go on as normal; that way you aren't opening yourself up to yet more abuse, as, like mine, he will almost certainly get nastier when he realises that he is losing control.

We are all here for you and your DC, and I 100% promise that you and they will be much happier once you aren't having to deal with his behaviour on a daily basis; it's been three years for me now, we've just moved into our new home and life is good and sparkling in a way it hadn't been for years. Best of luck, lovely.

Children are 5 and 9 he is the primary carer and works part-time. I am full time as I am the higher earner. I feel like I can leave on the quiet as I need to sell the house to afford to move out.

Not married. Together a long time. House is jointly owned.

Not many fathers would rip-up images of their loved children - for any reason.

It is worrying that he sees attacking the children (symbolically this time) as just another way of getting at you.

I would want to think carefully about this- and all that it suggests about his way of thinking - and would want to include his therapist.

People do silly childish things when angry but he is still standing by what he did.

How safe is it to have him as the primary carer if he is in such a state of mind?

What did he do for you on Mother’s Day?

Flowers, wine and a personalised card. Kids made stuff.

Yes you’re right and I realised that too after I saw the OP’s next post. These fucking men. What is wrong with them??

I think women get stuck in these situations partly because it’s almost impossible for us to believe that anyone could deliberately want to treat their partner this badly. So we look for reasons and excuses, trying over and over to make the situation make sense. When it just doesn't make sense and it never will, because these men just have something unfixably wrong with them.

To me, there’s no coming back from this. Having to see the personalised card with their little ripped up faces would be gut wrenching for me.
He will do stuff like this again and the children will be old enough to know.

I’ve found all the times he has not been with us recently to be a massive relief. No moodiness, lack of presence. I wonder that’s the sign to separate.

You know in your heart of hearts this is what you need to do.

Having a terrible childhood/mental health issues does not mean he gets to treat everyone else like shit or that everyone else has to put up with it.

Growing up in a toxic atmosphere is extremely damaging for children. As PP have said, they will already be sensing things, no matter how young they are.

Get out now. You have to protect your children from this abusive twat as well as yourself.

Reading all your posts adds context to the situation - it sounds exhausting being with him. Whatever he's doing to work on himself, he clearly needs to do more. Yes it's hard to be a parent when you have trauma around how you were parented, but to even be able to rip up that card feels like an unhealthy attitude to have while being a primary carer.

How he reacts will be key here. Either he acknowledges he needs more help to deal with occasions like this so that he can process his own grief or insecurity - which is the start of a tough road but maybe worth staying for - or he doesn't, and you know what the prospects are. A separated family is better than a desperately unhappy one.

It's good that you're legally single, so he can't take half your pension, however will the kids remain living with him, since he's the primary carer?