Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ND: support thread 16

[BustyLaRoux]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5299389-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-15?page=1

@Sweetandsaltycaroline - DH now and then gets angry and complains that he wishes we'd never got DS his Switch, but actually he spends no more time on that than he does on YouTube or phone games as far as I can tell. And what's more it's been a 'in' for him socially as he's made friends through his interest in games on it, which I have reminded DH who is always very anxious about his kids having some social glue to make friends with. He often feels guilty he didn't get either kid, especially DS into sports, but I'm really not bothered, my siblings and I grew up not doing any and we're none of us overweight or unhealthy. MIL always kibbitzes about this too and was forever trying to buy the kids activity stuff on birthdays because I think she was convinced they'd end up overweight and unfit because they don't do sports. Which has not turned out to be the cas.e

Hope the therapist appointment goes as weel as it can @Echobelly it's a step in the right direction, regardless of how your DH reacts. Also, it's grea that your DS feels able to express themselves and that you are so supportive.

Thanks, yes I am holding on to the thought that even if it doesn't initially go well, it could be the start of something

I haven't told DS we're having it as I don't want him to be nervous while he's at friend's party this afternoon. He was worried again after hearing DH shouting at MIL last night. Hopefully he can get back, DH can tell him we've talked and either we all talk tonight or make a time to talk later his week.

OK, we had it, it went well. DH kind of knew what was going to said and there are some things he didn't realise and that made him sad. We've talked about more backing off from 'helping' and trying to understand that DS' achievement level really isn't bad. He was a bit tearful but not too overwhelmed at the end. We finished about 10 mins early because DH said he was kind of emotionally 'full' by that point but I think we'd got as far as we were going to get in the session.

I can still go out with oldest tonight, and I think it will be good for DH to have a quiet evening just with DS. DH wants to tell DS he is glad that he was very open with the therapist and expressed himself so clearly.

So glad it went well @Echobelly ! Hopefully your DS will feel that they were heard, listened to and given some validation for their feelings. Enjoy your evening with the oldest!

I nearly posted a new thread on the Relationships board yesterday, but chickened out!

Maybe I'll see if anyone on here have any experience or suggestions for my latest thoughts around the future.

I definitely want to separate from H, that I know. He is trying, in his own way, to make it work for me by getting his diagnosis, taking on more DD time at the weekends and he's helping to declutter and tidy the house as I find it too overwhelming. Still can't stop himself from mocking me though! I can't let MD excuse that. And 10 years of passive aggressive behaviours, blaming me for everything, belittling me, mocking me, leaving me to do almost everything around DD and being huffy and puffy have taken it's toll.

A conversation will be had towards the end of the summer holidays and I'm trying to get my head around what the most ideal scenario would be for DD.

So, how do you split an ND family in the most gentle and least disruptive way? Is it better for a highly anxious almost 11 year old to stay in the house she knows? Can two households ever work with very high emotional care needs?

As tempting as it is to potentially let my friend's house, I suspect DD would find it hard to walk past her old home every day. Plus we'd only get so long on UC, I think. So a second move would be necessary once house has sold.

Can I bring myself to house share with H whilst we sort and see house? I could ask him to move out but I'm not sure he would. Would it be confusing for DD to live with separated parents in same house?! Or can we do a Christine and Paddy McGuiness thing and continue to live here but take tirms to have time away.

Do I book myself a couple of therapy sessions to mull all this over?

Oof that's a lot to deal with @ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore - therapy sessions might be a good idea to get you through

I think you are right, I'm tying myself in knots trying to think of the best scenario, primarily for DD but also for myself and H.

@Echobelly so glad the therapist session went as well as it did!

@Echobelly really happy your session with the counsellor went as well as that.
I really hope it will open doors for you and your ds and for your dh to improve things

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore it sounds to me that your main issue is your dd rather you so I think that if you go down the route of a counsellor, you really need someone who knows about ND children.
Counsellors I found can have quite a narrow scope - let’s say trauma or relationships - so knowing clearly what you’d like support with is worth it I think.

ill be honest and say that I dint know what would be the best for your dd.

But I was wondering if you’ve seen a lawyer re divorce.
The fact you will be caring for a child with SN is something that will be taken into consideration re split if the finances so I think it’s worth for you review that side.
eg if the split was more 70/30, would you be able to stay in the house?

Thanks, I hope so. I think DH needed to hear this although he knows some of it. Am now sitting in the Albert Hall at the interval of a Prom with my oldest and able to enjoy the evening.

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore if you don’t put your mask on first then you will all suffocate. I’m not sure that there is a way to tip toe around this. At some it’s probably going to blow up and trying to constantly avoid conflict is dragging it out.

Just quoting this post as I cant tag you.

I used to be a Benefits Adviser and still help friends and family if I can and only recently looked up the legislation regarding UC and money from the sale of a house after divorce.
The rules are complicated but not insurmountable.

I'm just heading out to work now but happy to talk things through either on this thread or in PM or even a call.

I appreciate I'm a stranger so you may not want this.
Alternatively seek help from a specialist benefits adviser not just a run of the mill adviser from Citizens Advice as not all of them understand rules around assets/savings etc

Haven't seen a lawyer yet @SpecialMangeTout3 but I suspect you are right re the split of equity. Don't think H will cope very well with that as he is quite controlling with money and is also quite resentful over me not contributing for many years as I've been at home with out of school DD. We don't have any shared accounts at all and I have no access to 'his' money. I know he has savings and shares as well as a big pension pot, which he will be very, very reluctant to 'share'.

And yes, I should consider how many counsellors aren't well trained in autism, and if they are they might be more focused on more stereotypical traits (male), rather than how it presents in girls and affects DD. That is worth considering.

I think I would like to eventually get my own little place to start afresh and just hope that DD will settle in as best as can be.

Yes, good metaphor with the putting mask on and yes, I need to take some control here and not keep dragging it out! Conflict is probably unavailable unfortunately. As much as I hate it.

Thank you @SortingItOut

I had a child with my ex. I had to put on a mask and get it done. I knew that I was the only parent capable of getting anywhere near meeting their needs. (He smoked too much stupid stuff) I am not proud of myself but I did what I had to do. He tells all that I took him to the clearers. He leaves out why. I’m sorry it’s not pleasant being the bad guy.

That's made me think, yes, I am the one nearest to meeting DD's needs, and currently a lit of my energy to do so is being absorbed by H. It's hard to explain but he does suck the life out of me. I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to not have that around me.

The problem is when you try and and have an adult conversation about this the other party doesn’t feel the same. Or if they do they probably won’t admit it. I tried to have this conversation with mine and that’s when it got nasty. Unfortunately some partners see the relationship as transactional and what they put it at the end they want back out. They don’t care who this affects. This was just my example but I do feel most ends of relationships end up a bit horrible. I don’t think you can avoid this because those difficult conversations have to be resolved one way or another. My ex shut me out so I ended up having to sort it through court and he lost a lot more then I was proposing because I am the primary carer. Non emotionally invested people more so then not support the parent more capable of parenting. It’s not personal it’s just what it is.

Unfortunately I may have to plan for things not going as smoothly or gently as I wish, the reward will be that eventually I will have a calm and peaceful home for DD.

I've tried to have an adult conversation so many times @Percypigspjs but as you say the other person doesn't want to see it that way and also won't admit to things being as bad as they are.

Plan A, be amicable and work together to keep things smooth for DD whilst sorting house and finances out.

Plsm B, which might be more likely, I move out with DD into rental and let H stay until finances are sorted further down the line.

I would happily walk away with almost nothing, as long as I can get DD and me housed, then sort it all further down the line.

No judge would sign this off as I am entitled to my share but that can be dealt with later. I'm not precious about 'stuff' just need to make sure we are adequately housed, fed etc.

That is a really kind offer @SortingItOut

@BustyLaRoux @ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore @Ohdostopwafflinggeremy
@Echobelly and everyone,

I am in the process of sorting everything. My thoughts:

• get to a point where finances are understood. If you are married, everything gets split
• saying enough is enough is easier than I thought. Once said, without emotion, autism takes over and next phase starts
• all the facilitating and ‘jollying things along’, it will never ever change anything. No amount of counselling will ever change the intrinsic wiring.
• you have to choose yourself. The kids know/ will understand (in time dependent on age).

My pink kettle should be in situ by October/ November 💕 @BustyLaRoux

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and it all makes sense. So pleased you are getting things sorted ❤️

This all makes perfect sense. Setting the wheels in motion is actually OK. Arguably better than all the jollying and pushing ones feelings down for so many years. Whether it’s living apart but staying in some kind of relationship or if it’s complete separation, it will be better than the current situation. Everything has a habit of working itself out (where to live, kids, how to finance it all). The emotional peace it brings is immeasurable.

October / November is really just the other side of Summer. Not so far away. I’m so looking forward to a photo of something in your new place (or old place but newly independent) which symbolises your freedom. Whether this is a pink kettle, a set of cutlery, a picture, a vase, or anything that says “this is me now. I write the new rules!” Good work!!!! You’re getting closer every day. X