A little update from me:
I am happier than I can ever recall being. My little house is perfect. All my lovely things around me. Some of things from years ago are out of storage and in my new house. It’s like seeing old friends! My clean and tidy kitchen. No bloody jars (well maybe 2 or 3, but not half a fridge full!!). No self centred step son hogging the bathroom and waking me up with his loud voice and late night long showers. Nobody shouts at me. I can do a weekly food shop. My car is always at my disposal. Most importantly my children are comfortable in their space. My DS has become this thoughtful and helpful lad who offers to help make dinner and does chores without resistance when asked. We hang out together. He’s a delight. My DD is a bit more challenging (I fear she may actually be autistic herself. Some of her behaviours are very rigid, she can become anxious and dysregulated when things don’t happen exactly the way she wants, she seems to lack the inherent social rules that come naturally to my DS…. But anyway that’s for another time. I need to be more patient basically!). I have enough money for all my bills and the odd nice thing too! I take the kids on holiday abroad in a few days. They’re super excited. As am I, if a little apprehensive! DP and I are in a great place. I know the living apart/staying together thing is not for everyone and I’m not recommending it for most people. But it is working for us. He has given up alcohol. He has lost 2 stone. He exercises most days (for mental health as well as physical). His house is tidy. He says I was right all along about his fridge management and how gross it was and how he doesn’t want to live like that (we laugh about this, but it irks that he couldn’t be better when we lived together. It’s like every time I mentioned it, he would deliberately collect more jars or get angry and say I was criticising him. Which I was! Because it was just!!!!) He is better at dealing with things instead of putting them off. (Still a work in progress, but a whole lot better than before!). He is incredibly kind and thoughtful. Brings me flowers. Cooks things I like. Rubs my feet. Waits on me when I’m at his house. I’ve given him the complete honesty he’s asked for, and although sometimes it’s difficult to hear things, he accepts what I’m saying as valid. If I have to tick him off about something, he listens. If my boundaries are tested, I make my position clear and walk away if I need to. He is very understanding about me not wanting to be around his bully of a son. Accepts it’s a problem for me, and actually for his daughter too who’s had a gutful of her selfish bully of a brother. I am trying to help him rebuild that relationship.
He is really making a huge effort. But for himself and his daughter as much as for me.
Now we don’t live together it’s like all the “criticisms” which he was so resistant to hearing and which made him so angry and defensive, he realises were valid. Instead of digging his position in harder and shouting at me, he can see for himself that the things I had issue with weren’t unreasonable after all. He’s gone from “you criticise me all the time, you don’t care about me, you want to change me, you’re worthy of criticism too!!” to “Christ I’m really not helping myself, I really need to make some changes for my mental and physical health and for my children!” His eyes have opened and he now sees what I was gently trying to show him. How he was, was abusive and awful for everyone. Mostly me, as he did manage to put on some sort of act for the kids at least. But I think when we lived together I was enabling it all. By me leaving he’s had to relook at everything and realise he was in a bad place and getting worse.
I have the double advantage of him being forced to change for the better now we’re apart, and the ability to walk away when my boundaries are threatened. I feel strong. I feel happy. I feel light. I feel loved. I did the impossible and it was ok. He can be a lovely man. I remember all the things that drew me to him in the first place, but my god he has a dark side. But it’s OK because I see the dark side. I understand it in all its glory now. I know how to deal with it and I know when to walk away. I was such a fool and I made so many terrible decisions! But it was all part of a journey. And for now, all is well.
This is obviously personal to my circumstances, but for anyone who needs some inspiration or some strength, it will be OK. Wherever you are now is just part of whichever path you’re on. It’s not the end. If you’ve stalled then it’s simply a pit stop. A chance to take stock and plan your next step. Sometimes taking the pressure off is what’s needed. You’ll get where you need to be. You’re probably a whole lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.
Sending love and strength to you all because I absolutely would not have been able to this without your kindness and non judgemental support. Xx