Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ND: support thread 16

[BustyLaRoux]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5299389-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-15?page=1

Marking place.

Thanks @BustyLaRoux for the new thread!

Hi everyone both old and new. Old thread full.

Thanks for the new thread. I check in but rarely post these days, I’ve probably said it all!

I hope @Daftasabroom is ok

Hi all, I’d like to come join this thread if that’s OK.

I would love to hear how other people manage with a ND partner and kids.

DD1 is 9 & has ASD & ADHD. DH was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult (although I also suspect ASD).
DD is struggling a lot right now but DH finds it very difficult to manage her as he is still not managing himself. So all responsibility falls on me. I am OK with managing her but I feel so resentful that I have to manage him too. And that I cannot rely on him for anything with her :(

Oh just spotted this thread! Thanks @BustyLaRoux

@WelcomeToMonkeyTown welcome on the thread (and sorry you felt the need to join us).

Its hard and YY to having to manage it all.
Has your dh accepted his diagnosis and the possibility he might also be ASD?

Gosh yes me too. I think of Daft now and again and really hope Ok!

Welcome @WelcomeToMonkeyTown .

Thanks @BustyLaRoux& @SpecialMangeTout3
He has accepted his diagnosis but is somewhat obsessed by it.
Anything he perceives as a criticism (eg would you mind cleaning up the mess you made in the kitchen) is met with angry protestation of how he can’t help it and I should be more supportive.

we’ve had multiple meetings with various medical professionals about our DD and he ALWAYS has to reference his own diagnosis and how hard things were for him…. I feel sad that I’m no longer sympathetic, just irritated. This meeting isn’t about you, this is about her.

He cannot deal with her meltdowns and will then fall down an RSD hole about how useless he is and how he can’t cope. Again I feel sad that I don’t feel sorry for him, I’m just frustrated that he can just tap out of parenting her by saying he can’t cope. I don’t get that option.

He claims he is trying but it’s not enough. But if I say that then it’s me being ablist. he would say that I’m being unfair and that I’m basically having a go at him because of his diagnosis. But it’s not the diagnosis itself that’s the problem - it’s his attitude to it that he uses it as a catch-all excuse to not do anything.

So I don’t have any advice about parenting ND children with Autistic partner sorry. I do have DC but they’re not DP’s so we don’t parent.

What you describe sounds really hard. There are several long term posters on these threads who will hopefully pop up here sooner or later. Your description of DH being unable to cope with the meltdowns and taking a backseat with parenting sounds very similar to the experience of many. They may be able to offer some useful tips. Or are you thinking of ending the relationship?

I don’t know if I want to end the relationship to be honest. Most of the time life is easier when he’s not around. Sometime when he is doing OK we have some nice times together, and he does stuff for the kids. But I just can’t consistently rely on him and I feel I’m always waiting for the next time.

Momentary panic. You are all here! 💕

Hi Monkeytown I think I’ve got some similar dynamics going on. DH shuts down rather than getting angry which is easier to deal with (but still pretty destructive over a long time) and he also goes to therapy so those things are really what help me to stay.

There’s a great relationship episode on The Hidden 20% podcast from a specialist in ND-NT couples. At the end she addressed equality. At the end of the day my DH can need accommodations but it’s up to me whether I accept these. What the podcast helped me see is that a sense of equality is needed for a relationship to survive, that our DHs have to bring something to the table, or at least try their own strategies to make the relationship work.

I don’t feel I can be a support human - only just here to take what everyone else is dishing out and never having needs. My life has value too. In fact I tried that in the past and it made me so, so unhappy. I’m trying to recover my voice in my relationship and it is kind of working. I really hear you though.

My first step was to only speak my authentic truth. Not be unkind. But just stop covering up, masking, keeping the peace and filling in the gaps. Radical Awakening by Dr Shefali really helped me.

I found that once I found my voice, I couldn’t go back to how things were.

Thank you @NoviceVillager& @ANiceLittleHouseByTheSeaWithACatCalledBrenda- that’s really helpful.

I found my voice a couple of years ago and we went to counselling together, and things did get better. And it is better than it was, equality wise.

But last year he fell off a cliff a bit with his own MH and since DD has been struggling too it has made things harder. He got better and is trying in his own way. And I know I need to step back and let him try things but I feel anxious about how he will cope with things for the kids.

It’s a bit of a vicious circle in that I want him to have more autonomy with the kids but I’m also scared to give it away.

I think I’m getting divorced…
Not just right now. I need to put my ducks in a row (in MN terms) and it will take at least a year really.
I can’t rush and do all the stuff I need to do before separating. My illness makes it slower. I need to pace myself.

But I have enough.
Ive thought long and hard about dh behaviour. Some of his comments. And whilst autism IS at the root of many of them, his way of dealing with his own discomfort is imo abusive.
So I’m taking steps.

We are all here for you @SpecialMangeTout3 🫂 you do it at your pace and get those ducks in order! Good for you ❤️

@SpecialMangeTout3
take all the time you need, don’t rush.
A new life awaits you - I applaud you x

Pink kettle bulk order 🩷💪

Good for you @SpecialMangeTout3❤️

At about the same time @BustyLaRoux was getting her pink kettle, I had an argument with dh and ended buying some kitchen knifes for myself.
They have a nice pink handle 😁😁 and are currently living on a little table next to me.
Theyre there, reminding me of my agency. And that I dint have to accept his avoidance and PA + control (which was the cause of the argument in the first place)

Absolutely right @SpecialMangeTout3. You do NOT have to accept behaviour which is abusive. As you say autism can be the root (and many of us have held on longer than we should have done because of that and sacrificed so much of ourselves in the process), but there can come a time when you’ve just reached the end of your road. No shame in that. We are definitely all here for moral support, advice, a place to vent, a place to feel seen and heard. Whatever you need.

There’s no hurry. Take things at your pace, but try not to do what I did and flim flam. It took me a few goes in the end. But I got there. And so will you. Slow and steady wins the race!

I was just looking back at some of your posts towards the end of the last thread @SpecialMangeTout3 and what you described was such a huge sacrifice on your part. The set up for everything to be low demand. DH basically doing what he wants. No need for anything to be difficult for him. No need to think about you or your emotions in any way. It was all about service and accommodations. Nothing for you at all. It made me feel so sad for you. I know you said it worked for you, and that it came at a huge price. But crikey, what a price!!

I’m pleased for you that you’ve had enough. That’s not a life anyone would wish for. You’re just worth so much more than that. I know there are health issues which will slow things down. It’s all doable though.

You hold those pink handled knives (don’t stab DH though!) and find a mantra that gives you the strength to keep going. “I am worth more than this” or whatever works for you! 💪✌️

Well done at making a decision for you @SpecialMangeTout3, you know everyone here will be ready with the support when you need it and getting through from now to whenever you make it to the land of the Pink Kettle. There is no shame in making a change for you, you deserve to be happy too.

I’m just having a day of maximum resentment. It’s just so much work to constantly consider someone else’s neurotype. I just don’t understand these videos about autism that I am having to watch, I don’t want to put the effort in after 10 years of making effort.

I’m tired and I’m fed up and with every passing year there are more things to learn and more accommodations. I just want that easy connection that we used to have. What the hell happened? That was just a mask anyway and never actually existed? I don’t want to keep consulting psychology manuals (literally). I don’t want to ‘do the work’. If that makes an ableist twat then maybe I am one.