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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ND: support thread 16

989 replies

BustyLaRoux · 15/06/2025 20:51

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5299389-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-15?page=1

Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 15 | Mumsnet

_New thread._ __ _This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ou...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5299389-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-15?page=1

OP posts:
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5
AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/11/2025 09:44

"He flys off the handle for silly things, every time we argue he doesn’t get the point. I’m so stressed from dealing with everything".

That sounds like someone who is abusive rather than ND. And even if he was ND this is still no reason or justification for such behaviour. I would also think your children behave far better than your H does and this from their dad is terrifying for them to see.

I would assume he does not treat people in the outside world or his work colleagues like this and if that is the case then he can control his anger. He has a problem with anger, your anger, when you call him out on such behaviour. He is doing this because he can.

I would contact Womens Aid as soon as you are able to do so and get support from them too.

Londonboyxxx · 08/11/2025 09:59

He’s definitely not abusive. But he was complaining about one of the teens bringing down lots of cups, now he says he wasn’t he just said something because dishwasher had gone on but I shook my head to tell him to stop because dd was hormonal and not feeling well but I said nothing out loud but dh doesn’t get my verbal cue and says out loud what did I do, I did nothing. I just said about the cups. But it’s in the middle of the kitchen and I feel like it causes a tension feeling in the home then.
dh thinks I’m giving out to him. He’s exhausted from shift work. And then this morning he says all I do is work and then having to belittle myself by apologising over things.
I say well I’m not the one who goes mad over xyz and the says oh your bringing things up again.
I just don’t know how to sort things out.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/11/2025 10:42

What is your definition of abuse if not this from him which it is. He does not treat outsiders like he does you does he.

Percypigspjs · 08/11/2025 10:51

I think it’s hard to make the comparison between outsiders and “insiders” given the difference in intimacy. I find inside a house much more pressurised and condensed then just outsiders. I also think we get so confused by the word abuse which we think is a deliberate set of behaviours. Labelling someone abusive has such negative connotations. Emotionally immature behaviour fits betters. It doesn’t change the feeling it has on the other person but fits better with these people. In my own case Im fed up with emotionally immature people. We are all immature at some point and we self reflect and grow up, some people are just stuck at a level which is a bit pathetic really.

ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore · 08/11/2025 10:55

Echobelly · 07/11/2025 22:27

Had a family bat mitzvah this evening... at a very Orthodox synagogue, barrier between men and women's section (always vexing). It was an awkward one for our oldest, who I should explain identifies as non-binary/trans masc (as in not seeing himself as a man, don't get it entirely, have not problem with it). He doesn't present as especially masculine and will wear dresses - also he usually wears a kippah (skullcap) or a headscarf, and today he wore a headscarf which seemed a good solution to me. But just before as we were trying to leave, DH made a comment that made oldest uncomfortable about the headscarf - something I thought was nonsense and he needn't have mentioned - and then there was faffing about and DC, who was already stressed about going, was upset. DH doesn't seem to understand that was not a conversation to have on the way out of the door and to be careful talking to DC about this kind of stuff.

DC may also be autistic - he's on ADHD and autism waitlist, but I think autism is perhaps more where he's at. He has low social battery for anywhere he's not totally comfortable and it can be frustrating when he seems to be militating to leave almost as soon as we get somewhere and spends the whole time giving signals he doesn't want to be there.

Sounds like something DH would say/do. It might be an impulse control thing where they speak before they've thought it through. Nevertheless, I can see how your DC would be upset about it. Headscarf sounded like the ideal solution, and it sounds like you are being very supportive of his identity, which is lovely. Hopefully the Orthodox Synagogue community were supportive too.

There is definitely a higher percentage of non-binary/trans people in the autistic youth, perhaps it's that feeling of not fitting in with the sterotype of what constitutes as male/female and finding an identity somewhere in between perhaps.

Londonboyxxx · 08/11/2025 10:59

I really don’t think he’s abusive and meaning to be. He helps with everything at home. Makes sure he cooks dinner before going to work etc to help me.
but he gets so overwhelmed with been tired, every day life and dealing with two neurodivergent children he just says what he feels he doesn’t care if the kids can hear and storms out of the house.
but he feels strongly and feels he’s always apologelizing when he does nothing wrong in his mind.
it’s what he says against me, we just can’t seem to move forward.
but he gets annoyed with me and doesn’t care if the kids are there will get annoyed back at me. I don’t know how to get my point across to him.

Percypigspjs · 08/11/2025 11:13

I don’t know how to get your point across. The person on the receiving end doesn’t possess inward looking eyes so he is blind to himself. He can only expect you to alter yours so as not to get his behaviour.

SpecialMangeTout3 · 08/11/2025 11:13

@Londonboyxxx im not sure what the answer is.
i have had/have very similar issues with dh but he is the silent/avoidant type who wont argue back whilst still leaving at atmosphere in the house.

The best I found is to not say anything at all on the spot (unless absolutely necessary). Take my time to think about what and how I want to bring things up. Calm down myself so I’m not angry.
And then state clearly to dh
1- what I have a problem with
2- why it’s not ok
3- my expectation
4- boundaries - if you do xyz again, I will …..
No discussion about it, no more explanation/over explanation/justifying myself. I found that over explanation muddies the water and dh looses what the issue is.
im getting angry and frustrated in the process which then overwhelms him (do he gets defensive, doesn’t retain the issue etc….).
But to do that, I need to be extremely clear (for myself) on what the issue is and what I want to achieve. Small, clear, actionable bites and nothing about him as a person.

I hope it helps. I found it really difficult to find a way in and to the ‘right way’ to talk to dh so the penny drops.

SpecialMangeTout3 · 08/11/2025 11:16

He can only expect you to alter yours so as not to get his behaviour.

Ive had a different experience with dh. It is possible to find a way to put my point across and for him to change his behaviour (Assuming it’s something he can change ofc)
But I’m not going to lie. It took me a long time to find what is the right approach with dh.

Percypigspjs · 08/11/2025 11:39

I left my ex after a decade because all he did was make me believe I was at fault. “Why do you keep drinking” “because you are making me stressed to drink”, “why are you always shouting”. “Because you do things to make me shout”. I tried so hard to stop making him react but the truth was it was all him and there was no way out. I also stopped telling him things but that meant he kept on and I just got more and more sad and resentful.

Echobelly · 08/11/2025 13:08

ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore · 08/11/2025 10:55

Sounds like something DH would say/do. It might be an impulse control thing where they speak before they've thought it through. Nevertheless, I can see how your DC would be upset about it. Headscarf sounded like the ideal solution, and it sounds like you are being very supportive of his identity, which is lovely. Hopefully the Orthodox Synagogue community were supportive too.

There is definitely a higher percentage of non-binary/trans people in the autistic youth, perhaps it's that feeling of not fitting in with the sterotype of what constitutes as male/female and finding an identity somewhere in between perhaps.

I have this theory that being able to adopt a trans identity is an enabling thing for some autistic people. I think some find an assigned gender, or gender at all, to be yet another discomfort with moving through the world, and being able to 'take it off' makes it easier for them to live. My nephew is a trans lad, and after coming out he re-engaged with education and became much more confident and outgoing.

I do need to have a word with DH to be careful about how he talks about things like clothes/hair/appearance with DC, because he's upset him before - I should add he's totally supportive of DC and his comments tend to come from concerns about how things might be perceived, or sometimes he's just making a joke about something, but he doesn't grasp when it's inappropriate.

SpecialMangeTout3 · 08/11/2025 15:27

That makes total sense @Echobelly

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/11/2025 18:20

What he is really showing you London boy is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. He wants to shout at you whilst you remain silent; that is what he wants from you.

And he does some cooking - big deal. You will never be able to put your point of view across to him because he does not care about you or the kids. This is precisely how abusers operate. You are also tired and dealing with two nd children too yet you don’t shout, storm out of the house and or and throw your weight around like he does. Why is it one rule for him and another for you?. .

Echobelly · 09/11/2025 21:09

Interesting one this evening. DH doesn't take ADHD meds at weekends, and is also feeling run-down coming down with something. Unfortunately he tried to do some maths with DS this evening.

I was upstairs when I hear some shouting downstairs and DH telling oldest DC not to interfere and that he's just making things worse - evidently DH was getting short with DS and DC made a comment or got upset.

Later I come down and DH is angrily demanding I tell DC to 'butt out and stop interfering' and I said I can't say that, I can't say what he defines as 'interfering', I understand why DC might have said something, even if he might have been getting ahead of himself, he was just being protective of his brother. That led into an angry spiel about 'how can he trust me when I always undermine him about things like this' and as usual with this I said sometimes I cannot back him up because I don't agree, and some argument. In the end, I calmed down, said I'd talk to DC but I couldn't guarantee I'd give the message the way he wanted.

So I did talk to DC, I decided to tell him to come to me if he is concerned about an interaction and let me deal and don't come in too soon (TBF, occasionally DC can be oversensitive and starts getting upset when DH is justifiable cross with someone and tries to de-escalate when he doesn't have to ). I came down and told DH this, by which time he'd calmed down, and told me DC can totally tell him what was wrong with an interaction after the event and he'll take it on board. I told him 'Look if you'd said that to me in the first place, that would have been fine - you'd have given me a reasonable, meaningful thing to come to DC with and I wouldn't have pushed back'.

DH agreed that it's notable that this generally hasn't happened since he's been on the meds, so it's definitely an ADHD outburst thing.

SpecialMangeTout3 · 10/11/2025 10:29

@Echobelly the difference the meds are doing is impressive!
Any reasons why your dh doesn’t take those meds at the weekend too?

Echobelly · 10/11/2025 10:30

Mainly so he can enjoy a drink, as can't have any alcohol when on them!

SpecialMangeTout3 · 10/11/2025 12:35

😁😁 that makes sense.
And I can see his point too.

Echobelly · 12/11/2025 08:21

I don't really want to be that person, and I'm not going to post a whole thread about it or anything but no one in my household remembered my birthday. The kids I can let off for now but I do need to tell them they are old enough they should be aware of their parents' birthdays (they need reminding of their dad's too).

But DH usually at least has a card and not even that and not even remembering until I opened a package from my sister - he was in town yesterday night (he doesn't get out regularly with the not working) and I had a vague hope he might at least pick up a card, as his mum had prematurely wished me happy birthday on family whatsapp yesterday, but no such luck. I didn't think I was the sort of person to let this get to me and TBF, it is the first time it has happened, but maybe it's about it being a time when I feel I have been holding the family together economically for the best part of 5 years it feels hurtful.

ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore · 12/11/2025 09:01

Echobelly · 12/11/2025 08:21

I don't really want to be that person, and I'm not going to post a whole thread about it or anything but no one in my household remembered my birthday. The kids I can let off for now but I do need to tell them they are old enough they should be aware of their parents' birthdays (they need reminding of their dad's too).

But DH usually at least has a card and not even that and not even remembering until I opened a package from my sister - he was in town yesterday night (he doesn't get out regularly with the not working) and I had a vague hope he might at least pick up a card, as his mum had prematurely wished me happy birthday on family whatsapp yesterday, but no such luck. I didn't think I was the sort of person to let this get to me and TBF, it is the first time it has happened, but maybe it's about it being a time when I feel I have been holding the family together economically for the best part of 5 years it feels hurtful.

A belated happy birthday to you! 🎂 can completely understand that this would be very upsetting and it would get to me too.

I would probably do something to celebrate at the weekend, even if it meant me buying in some treats etc. Not in a way to shame them ,if that makes sense, more of an opportunity to say 'hey, I realise we kind of forgot about my birthday earlier this week but how about we have a special lunch/dinner today?'

Pashazade · 12/11/2025 09:05

@Echobelly oh that sucks, Happy Birthday! I’m sorry he’s been crap and failed to acknowledge your birthday. (I’m not sure it’s necessarily an ND thing either!) I completely understand why you feel hurt, ignoring your birthday feels like they’re ignoring the one day a year that is about you (even if only a little bit). It feels like a lack of recognition of everything really. I hope you can do something you enjoy today. 🎂🍸

Echobelly · 12/11/2025 09:07

I didn't think I'd be that upset but I was. I didn't really know what to do when I realised DH hadn't done anything so I just went quiet.

He and I are going out to a gig tonight and getting dinner out beforehand so at least there is that. A family thing at the weekend is a good idea. Would have to be Sunday as it's my choir concert on Saturday so that takes up all afternoon and evening. Maybe brunch, then.

ChronicallyConfusedOnEarth · 12/11/2025 23:16

Echobelly · 12/11/2025 09:07

I didn't think I'd be that upset but I was. I didn't really know what to do when I realised DH hadn't done anything so I just went quiet.

He and I are going out to a gig tonight and getting dinner out beforehand so at least there is that. A family thing at the weekend is a good idea. Would have to be Sunday as it's my choir concert on Saturday so that takes up all afternoon and evening. Maybe brunch, then.

I don’t post on these threads but do follow them and lurk. I just wanted to say happy birthday ❤️

Echobelly · 13/11/2025 00:02

This evening was much better - DH and I had a nice dinner and the gig was really good and put us both in a far better mood

NoviceVillager · 13/11/2025 09:08

Belated happy birthday @Echobelly 🎉 hope you managed to have fun. Sorry your family didn’t remember, I’d find that very hurtful too.

Echobelly · 13/11/2025 09:21

Also we were in a better mood as he now has 2 more job interviews lined up, including for something a former colleague got in touch with him about, which always helps improve your chances