Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ND: support thread 16

[BustyLaRoux]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5299389-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-15?page=1

So did he think dinner and a gig meant your birthday was already sorted and he didn't need to bother with a card?

That would seem very ND to me... always they give the least effort for other people and to celebrate them.

DH hates his birthday and doesn't want to celebrate it but that means he can't understand why other people like to celebrate their birthday which leads to a lot of hurt feelings. Likewise wedding anniversaries.. and other 'occasions' like Christmas, where he'd rather just stick to his routines and go for run, let someone else buy and wrap all the presents, buy all the food, cook the turkey etc, and he can just turn up when it's all done. He does the washing up. He buys a bottle of champagne. He buys the turkey. But that's it! I would happily do just those things if someone else would do the rest.

Anyway, DH will be ex-DH very soon. He's moving out. I can't wait to be free. Finally. 23 years of putting up with feeling rejected, disappointed, low-worth/no-worth. It's so painful to keep squashing your needs down desperate for human connection and validation but all you are met with is indifference.

Also, I note Page 40 has appeared. Who would be able to set up a new thread I wonder? I do appreciate having somewhere to vent from time to time.

No, he literally forgot that that day was the day - this is the first time he's done it and usually puts in some kind of effort, so he felt terrible about it.

He has bought me a small present that he says is stopgap until he has a job and can get me something better. I had mentioned nice underwear in the week when we both thought he might have a job in the next few days, but when he didn't land it I didn't bring it up again. He admitted he was kind of waiting for me to follow up but was clear he was not blaming me at all and he should have checked in with me.

I'm sorry you've been made to feel so neglected @Mini2025

We've both had a godawful cold since the weekend and today's the first time we're feeling kind of normal - very glad we were never this ill at the same time until the kids were old enough to be sent on errands.

DS first term school test results came back and are not good after we tried kind of leaving him to it to see what happened 😐His drama mark is excellent and science not bad, but the rest is averaging under 40 per cent; maths he panicked in but is normally OK at. I suppose it's not like DS has worked his hardest for this so far, so there is room to improve.

On the upside I got a nice phonecall from drama teacher to say he had proactively come to her to try sorting out some areas he was weaker on, and I was also pleased that when it came to asking him if he was ready to submit his first piece of Travel and Tourism coursework and actually he was. Don't know how much effort he's put into it though. So I'm pleased he seems to be starting to take a bit more responsibility.

Quite happy to do it.

Ill wait a few more posts so everyone can find us again

@Echobelly teenagers learning they need to put some effort in is hard.
ive been having a discussion with dc1 this weekend and he agreed that he didn’t put any effort until Uni (where he decided he wasn’t going to have the same results as people he thought were ‘not as clever’).
They need to want to do it.
Im afraid i don’t have an answer there. I was just lucky dc1 managed grades good enough wo even trying.

@Mini2025 really happy for you to have found a way forward.
I totally get the feeling of putting your needs aside constantly and getting very little in return.

im still working with my counsellor/therapist and this is the type of stuff that comes out regularly 😁😁

Do you know when you/your exDH will move out? Or you’re not quite there yet?

It's resit difficult. DS just freezes up because of DHs anger and stress about it all. DS told me last night the reason he never asks for help, at school or at home, is that he associates it with anger and has for as long as he can remember. Even if he's not asking his dad.

He asked me to tell DH, whose response was 'Well he needs to man up and get over it' to which I said if only it was that easy to deal with anxiety.

I just don't know that to do. DH's attitude is causing DS physiological and academic harm. I hoped having those sessions with a psychiatrist would help him see it, but, as I feared, as soon as we're out of the sessions, he forgets all about it.

Good for you @Mini2025 wishing you all the best with the next stage. How is your DH taking it? Hope it all goes as smooth as it can 😊

Hope everyone is ok, been taking some time away from MN so catching up a bit!

@Echobelly is it possible to just have a blanket ban on DH helping DS at all? It’s awful that’s he won’t ask for help ever because of his Dad’s behaviour. Has this sunk in for DH? I mean I’m guessing not, I really feel for you.

@Pashazade - that's basically what the therapist recommended. But it's just impossible with DH. He simply says he can't not 'help' if it's a subject he knows about and DS is having issues with it. But I think he also can't recognise, despite me explaining it again and again, that someone when someone makes you nervous about something you simply cannot do that thing in front of them. Literally the most basic knowledge can fly out of your head if you're anxious. I keep reminding him that oldest DC couldn't seem to ever get the simplest line of French out in front of DH, but he still got an 8 in it at GCSE.

DH has been much better today with DS and we had a productive catch up with year head meeting - they have just been practising maths and it's going OK. With the ADHD meds, DH seems generally much calmer doing it, it must be said.

I'm thinking about how I might use AI to create a revision schedule over Christmas for DS as he'll have January tests. It feels miserable but he needs to start gearing up for next year and dedicate this next break to proper revision and hopefully up his results so we can all feel more confident he's in the right place. I think we might also email head of maths and ask DS to be moved out of top set - he's finally in it after being top of second set but TBH he just seems to be finding the pace way too fast so it sounds like it's not actually helping him to be there.

@SpecialMangeTout3 @ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore

he’s agreed to move out asap. So in a 2 to 3 weeks hopefully. He’s moving to a studio flat to save money while he frees up some cash to probably buy something else. But This means the kids can’t visit for at least 6 months. 🙄 so he does even less than he does now. kids with me full time. Complete freedom for him. It’ll be good though. He can g back to being the lonely workaholic bachelor he should have stayed as. He should never have had kids, if his input was going to be zero. Had I known I’d never have had kids with him. It’s been such hard work, especially with them both being ND and all the heartbreak that goes with that. It’s going to be an awkward few weeks but I’m holding out for the moment when the front door finally closes for the last time and he’s actually gone. 23 years to discover he’ll always come first, will never prioritise anyone else. I really should have left long ago. He’s in better shape than he’s ever been. I’m a wreck. Tells you everything you need to know about this man. Why didn’t I see it until now?

I think we dint see it in part because we’re down the trenches and already spending so much time and energy keeping all the plates spinning that stopping fir a bit to look at WHY we’re doing do much/are exhausted just doesn’t happen.

Also, for me, always questioning my role, what I could do better, what did I do wrong, before ever questioning anyone else behaviour.

Really happy to see things are moving the right direction though.

How old are your dcs?

@Echobelly could you restrict dh help to week time (when he is taking his meds) and never at weekends (when he isn’t)?

I think AI is a great idea.
It can do more than just putting a plan together too.
Actually wondering if your dc would be happy to ask AI for help when he can’t understand something. Not in a ‘can I have the answer’ way but ‘can you explain xyz’ and then asking it to go over if he still doesn’t understand?
According to dc2, DeepSeek is great for maths (he is using it for his engineering degree)

I’ve just created a new thread.
Everyone free to join us on our adventures, hopefully towards better, easier future.

Brand New Thread