Husband obsessed with idea of threesome

[Jessa111]

Changed my name for this. I wonder if I could get some advice.

About 6 months ago, Myself and my Husband went over my friends house 1 evening for a few drinks. The conversation came onto sex. My friend decided to tell us ( I already knew, so it was more for my husbands benefit ), how she’d been with tones of woman during her uni years, had threesomes and loads more. My husband was clearly turned on by this as his face lit up and he was asking loads of questions. When we got home he tried to initiate sex, but I wasn’t having any of it as I was annoyed by how excited he got during the conversation.

Since then, all he has gone on about is threesomes with another girl, he’s even mentioned my friend once or twice. In the past he’s always told me he didn’t fancy my friend as she wasn’t ‘ his type’, but I’m now starting to doubt that. He’ll name drop her in random conversations all the time.

I have had a serious chat with him, telling him I find it disrespectful that he’s even thinking about other woman and he just says ‘all men think about it’.

It’s like he has a sudden Infatuation with my friend just because he’s found out she’s bi sexual and has a high sex drive. We have a great sex life btw so it’s not like he’s getting obsessed cuz he’s getting none at home.

Other than ‘leave him’ does anyone have any advice?
Many thanks
xx

You said he blatantly fancies her and he keeps going on about her. The minute I realised that, it would have been over for me. To show such lack of respect to a spouse is a deal breaker. I suggest you give the threesome a go if you’re that desperate to hold onto this man,

Dump that supposed friend. She is a total c*nt.

Also, if he keeps bringing up threesomes, tell him you might consider if it consists of him, a really handsome man and you. He might quickly change his tune...

Compared to being constantly pressured/coerced to have sex with another woman and to (pretend to) enthusiastically encourage her to have sex with him? It's an absolute doddle.

I would also be livid with your friend - that’s so inappropriate and seemed designed to really turn him on (which it obviously has)!

I don’t have the visceral condemnation and disgust most do about this, because I do this kind of thing with my husband and love it. Not recommending it for you, since you are clearly appalled by the idea, but I do think that even for a conventional marriage, you sound quite closed and naive.

He is right that most men would fantasise about a threesome with another woman - to the point that I’d say it’s a very natural, normal part of being sexual. I suspect men who genuinely don’t, have lower than average sex drive or confidence. And a lot of men who claim they don’t, actually do. A lot of women do too of course.

I also think it’s completely natural and obvious that a woman talking about sexy things has inclined him to fancy her more/ insert her into his fantasy world. I’m surprised you are confused by that. Yes, men have a type, but most men’s ultimate type is: ‘woman willing to do sexy things’. Which is why I agree with others that this was a bad, attention-seeking move on your friend’s part. I would never share information about my wild sex life with men in vanilla marriages, because that would be the obvious consequence - I don’t get off on being in random blokes’ fantasies, and it’s not fair on their wives, who don’t want to pursue that kind of stuff.

I would say you need to be firmer about the fact that doing this would be totally unacceptable to you, but try to be a bit less judgey about the fact that he is very naturally thinking about it, now that it’s been planted in his head. I don’t think it’s realistic or reasonable to go all mad about what he’s thinking or feeling or finding sexy. You’re not the thought police- or at least, I don’t think you should be. But what you can and should do is say what you are comfortable hearing about or doing.

so something like ‘heh, I get it. It’s got you excited. But it turns me off and repulses me- so I don’t want to hear about it, and there is no way I would ever consider such a thing- so this one has to live and die in your head - please don’t bring it out into our relationship, because our sex life and trust will suffer if you do’,

But don’t get into debates about whether what he’s thinking about is ok or normal or acceptable. That’s the wrong field of discussion in my opinion. It’s controlling and you are on much weaker ground than simply defining what you are prepared to be involved in.

Also @Jessa111 , it’s obvious your husband has been wanking over your friend and the idea of a threesome 😷

Sorry for what you going through OP. This is not acceptable in any way. Your friend is not your friend. Cut her off for starters. Nothing good in teasing and baiting your DH just for her own kicks. As for your DH he needs to grow the F up. Turn it on him saying you are NOT into threesomes but how would he feel if you suggested another man!? He needs to drop it. He also needs to understand that this is not minor or trivial or a bit of fun. He has impacted the core of your relationship.

Tell him you agree a threesome sounds great and when can he tell Rob /Bob /Mark to come round.
*use the name of a man he knows..

So obv leave but if you want to stay for now, I would completely shut down any conversations about threesomes. Don’t listen. Just say it’s off the cards and you don’t want to hear about it.

Dont validate the idea by considering it, listening to it or having any conversations about it. Become the broken record - “No. It’s off the cards. I’m not discussing it.” Grey rock. Make it boring.

I personally wouldn’t trust a man like this either so I would be checking his phone, email etc and be prepared in case you don’t like what you find.

Two men worshipping your body and giving you multiple orgasms, I presume ?
no what a surprise

Personally I'd tell him you've come round to the idea of a threesome but with another bloke. If he says something like but I don't fancy men, why would we do that, tell him that's exactly how you feel about his suggestion so maybe now he can stfu.
If he has any bi tendencies obviously this wouldn't be a 😉 great approach

Yeah, you lose all credibility when you refer to becoming a single parent as ‘a doddle’. Don’t minimise the OP’s incredibly difficult situation.

Helpful 🙄

The friend is sex-starved and likes the idea of having sex with your DH/maybe you (if that's the terms under which she gets the sex).

She mentioned it to directly lay it on the table as an option.

Your DH has taken the bait. |t's vaguely average of him to have done that and there is lots of general talk about couples trying this kind of thing so it's not even a very odd kind any more. (Just check it out on MN even)

This doesn't threaten your marriage (or at least it wouldn't threaten mine).

You just say no fcccking wayy. That would really upset me. No. Just keep it as a fantasy.

And don't seek out meetings with the friend. Pretty much drop her.

oh and make sure he can't DM her.

And move on.

Tell him you're happy to have a threesome but only with him and another man, of your choice of course.

Tell him you're not interested, you won't be bullied into it and he clearly has no respect for you at all if he cannot take no for an answer.

It's a lot easier than being subjected to coercion from an intimate partner and still being expected to pretend that everything else is fine.

I think there is a way to come back from this but it’s going to take a lot of work!

What seems to have happened is that your “friend” ambushed him with this conversation which he found very arousing at the time and he’s now fixated on it as a sexual fantasy and can’t get past it. I’d get him to watch this short video and see if he can do the work to break this fantasy/arousal loop

Either way I think you probably both need some couples therapy. It’s normal even when married to occasionally fancy other people but this seems to have gone way beyond this and become a real threat to your marriage.

I wouldn’t go down the route loads of people have suggested of saying you’d like a two men, one woman threesome because that just legitimises this as acceptable within your marriage and you are clear that it’s not.

As for your friend, I think I’d have to tell her that you know exactly what she was playing at and the friendship is over.

You done messed up here OP, your immediate response shoulda been, 'sure but only if I can choose the man that we have the 3some with'

@Jessa111 You should have one final conversation with your DH about this, the next time he brings it up, and that conversation should be about consent. Tell him you would not be judgemental about any couple's sexual choices so long as they both want the same thing, but you do not consent - and never will - to bringing a third party into your sex life with him. And make it clear to him that he should never mention this again as you will not be discussing it with him further. End of.

When your "friend" was talking about her sex life with your husband, she was planting images in his mind. She was making a play for him and now he's interested to the point he's bugging you about it.

Stop seeing this woman, she's not your friend. Tell your husband you have no interests in threesomes, you consider it cheating in a monogamous marriage. If you're not bi, the other woman is just for him to fuck and it looks like he's looking to cheat. He also seems uninterested in what would turn you on, he's fixated on his fantasy.

Does he not remember that he took marriage vows? Why does he think he can back out of them now? I would say the trust is broken.

Good advice.

I agree that the friend should not have said anything & by her bringing this up, she's inserted herself into his fantasies.

If this is something you 100% don't want to do, you need to be firm and address it.

• I understand 3somes turn you on but it is not something that turns me on and I DO NOT want to participate in one - male or female.
• it is making me very uncomfortable that you keep bringing it up and I DO NOT want you to bring it up again.
• it is your fantasy & you'd like it to remain that way, in his fantasies.

I would go absolutely apeshit at him next time he brings it up. Full rage. Make him feel how much you hate it. Make it absolutely clear that every time he talks about it, it makes you love and fancy him less and you don’t want to hear about it ever again.

How do you know the friend is sex starved? Op hasn’t mentioned if the friend has a partner or husband? Also if the friend was single then she can go out and shag as many people as she wants surely and isn’t someone desperate for sex, unlike the husband who is married.