Husband obsessed with idea of threesome

[Jessa111]

Changed my name for this. I wonder if I could get some advice.

About 6 months ago, Myself and my Husband went over my friends house 1 evening for a few drinks. The conversation came onto sex. My friend decided to tell us ( I already knew, so it was more for my husbands benefit ), how she’d been with tones of woman during her uni years, had threesomes and loads more. My husband was clearly turned on by this as his face lit up and he was asking loads of questions. When we got home he tried to initiate sex, but I wasn’t having any of it as I was annoyed by how excited he got during the conversation.

Since then, all he has gone on about is threesomes with another girl, he’s even mentioned my friend once or twice. In the past he’s always told me he didn’t fancy my friend as she wasn’t ‘ his type’, but I’m now starting to doubt that. He’ll name drop her in random conversations all the time.

I have had a serious chat with him, telling him I find it disrespectful that he’s even thinking about other woman and he just says ‘all men think about it’.

It’s like he has a sudden Infatuation with my friend just because he’s found out she’s bi sexual and has a high sex drive. We have a great sex life btw so it’s not like he’s getting obsessed cuz he’s getting none at home.

Other than ‘leave him’ does anyone have any advice?
Many thanks
xx

For context I'm 67 & have been around the block a few times.

IME threesomes is a common fantasy that many men have. The reality of it, however, is usually not what they fantasied about. If they really want to watch 2 women getting it on there is porn available for that.

I remember the 'Friends' episode where Ross thought a threesome would be fun, but ended up making himself a sandwich while his wife had a 'very much twosome'

Friends of mine who have had threesomes (this includes my DH who was very much younger when him & his XW had a threesome) who tend to say that 1) it's hard work having sex with 2 people making sure that no-one is left out 2) it was all about their partners who actually wanted 2 women working on him & 3) their relationships suffered as a result.

I've yet to meet someone who had a threesome & it enhanced their sex life.

No one said leaving a bad marriage isn’t the best hard decision. Your tone is very dismissive. OP responds that she has two small children, so it’s not easy, and you simple ‘well, easier than x,y,z … it’s a doddle’. Unhelpful, naive and dismissive.

Tell him you accept it with the condition the 3 rd person is a man . Then watch him change his mind

I find a lot of the responses on here very odd and unhelpful. All the tit for tat about saying you are up for a threesome...with another man! as a way to shut him up. I despair about the lack of communication skills!

No. Don't make things up or lie to try to win an argument. Stay in your feelings, stay honest, or how can you ever hope to have a productive conversation and move forward?!

You've told him you feel disrespected by his behaviour. I would talk to him again, next time this comes up, but really keep it in the realm of YOUR FEELINGS rather than using language like "disrespected" which he can dispute ("but I'm not disrespecting you!" etc). This means being really honest. What does it make you feel? Insecure? Sad? Confused? Lonely? Tell him how his behaviour affects you emotionally.

Then, if he moves into excuses via generalization, "but all men think this" etc, you bring it back to your feelings. "We're not having a conversation about what other men do or don't think. We're having a conversation about how your behaviour is impacting me and how I feel."

The choice is then his. Does he want to continue to behave in a way that hurts you, in whatever way you've authentically shared, now that you've given him that information?

If he does, then you need to think long and hard about whether you want to be with a man who knowingly continues to hurt you. But hopefully he will decide not to do that.

It'd be so funny if you agreed and neither you or your mate let your partner get involved. And he's sat there like Billy no mates

You've already told him you're not interested in a threesome and that you find him repeatedly bringing it up disrespectful. But he hasn't stopped.

It can be really damaging to feel like you're being pressured into having sex that you don't want to have. I had an ex who tried to make me have a threesome and it messed me up for a long time. It's sexual coercion and it's not ok.

Tell him that trying to pressure someone into sex is a form of sexual abuse. It's not something that all men do, people who respect their partners don't keep bringing something up when they know it will hurt their partner. Relationship counciling could be a good idea if you're keen to salvage things.

I think your husband and your so called friend are as bad as each other what a revolting pair

OK, maybe I need to fluff it up a bit. But having been on the receiving end of sexual coercion from the ex when I had two small children, the day I no longer had to dread him starting on me again and didn't have to function as a relatively normal human being around the children and everybody else whilst knowing that at the first half opportunity, he'd be banging back on about it, sulking, threatening - and all of the other really, really unpleasant stuff I don't particularly want to think about on a sunny Sunday evening whilst the very lovely and utterly non abusive DP is making me a cuppa - was the day my life went from frankly intolerable to so easy, I thought something must be wrong until I realised that, actually, parenting children, working, cooking, cleaning and everything else is an absolute doddle compared to being stuck in an abusive and sexually coercive relationship and having to do all that as well.

Your friend blatantly came on to your H in front of you, he’s telling you he’s wants to have sex with her and they both are trying to make it sound like they want to include you in it. They want to shag each other but think a threesome sounds less threatening to you.
You've made it very clear you don’t want to but he’s doesn’t care, he’s trying to force you into it.

In a nutshell.

Well of course it’s only gross for a man to sleep with tonnes of women eh 🙄

I don't think wanting a 3 some is 'gross', as some posters have described it. But if you have no interest, your husband obviously needs to drop it.

You might want nothing to do with any of it, as is your right. But you could explore meeting in the middle a bit by, say, getting a lap dance as a couple and then going home/to a hotel to have sex. I think long term relationships are about compromise. Although totally understand if this type of experience isn't your thing.

Thanks for all the messages, I’ve just caught up. I find it crazy that a guy would want to have sex with another woman he didn’t fancy, just because she was vocal about her sexual activity. Or maybe he’s fancied her the whole time, who knows. Men do lie right? Maybe she’s always fancied him? Too many unanswered questions. Either way I feel I’ve had the last conversation with him that needs to be had, so if it comes up again, I think I’ll be moving to my mums with the kids.

My H’s fantasy is definitely a threesome with another woman. He’s never picked anyone in real life to follow it through with. I’ve been very honest that I’m not attracted to women so it would only be to satisfy him which he doesn’t want. I’ve said if we had a threesome my preference would be for a man to join us. He would hate that so he’s accepted that it’s not for us. It can remain a fantasy. He would never jeopardise our relationship for a fantasy.

I say this to show that what your H is doing is not normal. It’s normal to have fantasies. It’s not normal to attribute these to a close friend and not stop talking about it.

@Jessa111 he sounds very boring tbh, is there nothing else that interests him in life? As for your "friend" she sounds like a shit stirrer and boring too.

My friend decided to tell us ( I already knew, so it was more for my husbands benefit ), how she’d been with tones of woman during her uni years, had threesomes and loads more.

Sounds like she knows what she’s doing.

twosomes are tricky enough

Your "friend" is not your friend at all.
It sounds like she invited you both round, just as a couple, with a clear agenda.

I also think most men might be tempted if it was so obviously being handed to them on a plate like that.

How has he reacted since you made it clear this is a deal breaker?

The friend is up for sex with OP’s DH, whatever her reason. So she’s dangerous if OP doesn’t want this. Simple.

Dangerous is a strong word, let’s not get carried away here. The husband is also up for sex with the friend, is he dangerous?

It’s not tit for tat as OP has no intention of actually doing it. Your “communication” is all well and good, but OP already has communicated that it’s a firm no and the husband hasn’t accepted that. Eloquent explanations of feelings do FA for men like that. They can only ever empathise when they find themselves in the same situation. I honestly think you’re giving this man too much credit.

I'm not saying it'll be a magic solution. I'm saying you need to communicate with honesty. Pretending she's interested in a MMF threesome as some kind of trick or revenge or ...I'm not sure? But pretending, anyway - is no way to practice good communication. To your point, good communication isn't a magic spell and it may not achieve positive change in this situation, but it will achieve various things. First, integrity. Being honest and authentic about our feelings is good for us if nobody else. Second, practice. Even if this relationship ends there will I hope be future relationships and like all skills the more you practice this the better you get at it so it sets you up for future success. Thirdly, clarity. If, as I said at the end of my post, he hears a clear account of how is behaviour makes OP feel, and he continues to act in the same way, OP has a clear, definitive answer - he doesn't care about hurting her feelings. And she can act accordingly.

However much you or I despair at this man, I don't think making petty retorts that deliberately misrepresent our feelings and views is ever wise?!

I think you confuse “pretend” with irony. She can deliver the reverse without him actually really believing she means it, but it would make him see it from her point of view.
So far he’s not listening to (or maybe not caring about) how it makes her feel.
Being “honest” means nothing if someone genuinely doesn’t have the emotional intelligence/capacity to see a situation from someone else’s perspective. That just leads to greater misunderstanding.

This! End of.