DH Affair. How do I cope with family holiday?

[EmmaThompsonsTears]

New account in case outing.

I’ve just found out in the last 24 hours that my husband has been having an affair for the last 9 months at least.
2 DCs - 4 & 18m.

He doesn’t know I know. I plan to keep it that way so I can see a solicitor and sort out finances. But we leave for a family holiday tomorrow, and I feel like I’m going to explode.

How can I get through this week? Hand hold needed. Any advice welcome.

I’ve been lurking on these threads for a while and felt in my gut I was a victim of The Script. Checked his phone while he was asleep and I was right. Please help.

Threatening suicide is an emotionally abusive action. He is making you responsible for his mental wellbeing despite it being entirely his fault. It’s full on manipulation. Plus telling you he would make custody a nightmare is all to control you.

You've seen what he's capable of, and he'll forever resent you for knowing about it. He'll bring that resentment back into how he treats you, how nothing's actually good enough for you.

I'm no expert but that's my gut feeling.

Don't fall for it - he is seeing which of you will accept him back, if you both do he will carry on the affair.

If she doesn't and you do, he will cheat on you again when the opportunity arises.

He is not sorry he hurt you or treated you like shit - he is sorry he got caught, he is sorry his life might get really difficult, he is sorry that it may cost him...

Continue your plan to divorce him, or you are teaching your children it is fine for men to treat women like total shit.

Oh OP be careful -I feel I could have written your last post myself.
I had all the begging, crying and pleading so I gave him a second chance only for him to do it again within 2 years-I kicked him out after that.
I truly believe that once they’ve gotten away with it once, it paves the way for future infidelities because they don’t respect you.

I can’t help but think the confession has done you no favours. It’s allowed him to get in to your head and to feel that this could work, to see your cards and to put fear in you about a custody battle. How much responsibility has he really taken though, as it’s not just the “I’ve been a naughty boy”, it’s the gas lighting, the cruelty of making out you’re the problem, the starving you of love and affection and being cold. And what is he doing about how awful he’s been, for instance is he going in to therapy, what is he saying about changes he needs to make moving forwards, how is he going to rebuild your trust?

You absolutely must take off your rose tinted glasses whatever you want to do. It will help if you write a reality list for yourself to refer to regularly when he’s getting in your head. On it list the way he was treating you prior to this, that he has only confessed because he’s at risk of being exposed, that he’s said the same things to both of you, and his “threat” about fighting dirty for custody.

so he told OW he was fighting for their relationship and you’re giving him another chance? I’m not sure how you can possibly live like this ….. I’d be second guessing every female he ever spoke to again! I’d also bet my right arm they have shagged at least once.

I get it @EmmaThompsonsTears - you’ve a family and a life together and for that to end is heartbreaking/ but I think you are just kicking the can down the road and storing up trouble for the future.

It’s not so much that he strayed (emotionally and/or physically) - he’s put his whole family and job on the line and been duplicitous for months. That level of deceit takes a lot of effort.

He’s still a scumbag. Sorry.

Op…. Remember how you felt a few days ago. Summon all your strength. How dare he try to manipulate you.

@EmmaThompsonsTears
THIS X 1000
Please don’t fall for this. And telling you he’s got nothing to live for? He’ll fight nasty re custody? My he’s charming isn’t he? Still think option three is the way to go.

Same-ish here.

The "I'll kill myself" while also "I'll fight for custody" - how's he gonna do both?

Oh and if he threatens suicide - you either call police (if you feel you can't stop him or you're not actually in the same location as him, ie he texts you/calls you to tell you) or an ambulance, whichever seems most appropriate.

Thats the only appropriate response to this - and it's up to the emergency services to determine if he is serious or not, not you.

I completely understand the need to fight for your family and see too many posters saying to ltb, however, I think this is the case here.
He was giving the same spiel to the ow, how will you ever trust him? He has treated you with so much contempt and disrespect. Think very carefully OP, I think the chances are very high you'll be in the same situation again. He told the ow he loved her, what's changed? Did he dump her or was he dumped? You need alot more answers...

The fact that he’s admitted he’ll get nasty for custody…. If this was someone who truely loved and wanted to be with you would he feel the need to say that?

Is it possible he’s seen this post?

Instruct your solicitor and file for divorce. He’s got you right where he wants you right now. He’s manipulating you and you’re falling for it hook, line and sinker! You can file for divorce and cool it off if you want to but it is the person who files that has the upper hand as they can control when it’s complete - this could be before finances are agreed. Your solicitor would probably be telling you this if you met with them.

The fact that it took the OW giving him the elbow for him to give you a cuddle!

Take a look at the situation as objectively as you can,

Oh my goodness. Please please please do not do it. Do not fall for it. Do not waste your time. Do not make your children go through this again. Whether you see it or not, they have already suffered by experiencing his contempt for you for all these months. That is so traumatising for them. Next time they will be older and they may even remember it. Don’t put your own fear of being a single parent ahead of their emotional wellbeing. It is highly unlikely a man who is so pathetic that he crawls to two women at the same time will want 50:50. It would interfere with his future attempts at relationships too much. He is most afraid of losing his image, his social standing as a nice family man. He’ll soon reinvent himself as a weekend dad with a hot new woman. Leave him to it and look for something more meaningful than being a facade.

Bloody hell, your head must be all over the place OP.

I honestly think this relationship is dead, he really has shown his true colours and now you know, you won't be able to unsee it.

I would strongly advise you to take some time away from him. Can you go and stay with your sister? Or another close friend? Take some time to process what has happened and decide what you want.

I'm divorced. I wasted years in that marriage when I knew that it was already over. Honestly, once you know, you know and living with that cognitive dissonance will take all your energy and really impair your ability to function in the world.

he became this cold, distant, liar.

This is who he is OP. She isn't a witch who cast a spell. He might also laugh and cuddle with you, but the man who was emotionally abusive you for 9 months is who and what he is too. The fact he can flip a switch like that is actually disturbing.

And he would not have confessed of his own volition. You pushed him because you already knew. He will learn to cover his tracks much better now though, should you let him weasel his way back.

Then they met in person at a big all-office work do, and ended up having sex.

You know they've had sex, but are you now believing his word that they didn't? I'm sorry OP, this must be very difficult for you, but you seem to give him the benefit of the doubt after all he's done.

He sensed you knew.

OP, please don't fall for this. You deserve better.
He has starved you for kindness so much that you were willing to accept his cuddles - even as he continued to lie and try and win back OW...

You deserve better!! Eggshells or not, this is another form of hideous disrespect. Don't stand for it. Think of the message you are sending him: that you're willing to let yourself be reeled back in EVEN as he pathetically attempts to fix things with OW and opens up to you about it.

Don't let a moment of "kindness" you have been starving for blind you to what you really need long term.

I understand you wanting to give him another chance. You have a massive history together and children together. But he's playing you....
The way he's threatening you with the kids.
The threat of suicide.
He has treated you horribly (the gaslighting and putting you down in front of the kids), not just the affair. He made you feel suicidal and go to a therapist.

My gut instinct is to tell him he's broken trust with you. He's shown you he doesn't love you at all by his actions. He's giving you a cuddle and having a laugh at the same time as threatening u with his suicide and world war 3 over the kids.
Mmmmmm definitely not the actions of a man who has your interests at heart.
Definitely DO NOT back off the divorce dialogue. Really stand up to him.
He's not ur friend.
He needs to take responsibility for his actions.
At the end of the day he can work his socks off to win you back before any divorce is actually through. Let him do that. Let's see what he's willing to do to keep you (other than threaten you).
Think about it, hes given u a cuddle and been nice for a few hours and he's back in the driving seat. Come on!!!!

This is very clearly a manipulative man. It is not normal to switch personalities like that.

The nasty fight for custody is telling, he doesn’t want to be left with nothing no matter what. Even if that means you or the kids suffer.

I wouldn’t wait for him to get abusive again because next time he’ll be completely ready once you start pulling away. You had the element of surprise this time, what about if he’s better prepared next time.

Oh dear, he’s offered some crumbs for you and you’re so grateful you’ll give him another chance to hurt you again. I’m surprised how sad I am for you.
He so distressed he’ll kill himself OR he’ll fight you like mad over the kids.. which is it?
He shown you who he is over and over again so why won’t you believe him?
I get that you want to keep the status quo for your kids sake but is that really the best for you and them - he’s betrayed all of you remember.
Take a breath, let your head rule your heart and make some decisions that really suit you.

Oh mate, sorry but he's playing you like a mug!

Talking (threatening) about suicide is a well known manipulative, narcissistic trick. It's disgusting and you should know there is no truth in it. Do not believe his words or tears, believe his actions, which are:

• emotional abuse for months after the birth of your 2nd child
• treating you horribly while he was lying and cheating
• tried to get back with OW within seconds of you mentioning divorce

Please, please, do not pause putting your ducks in a row, you're only delaying the inevitable for more months of pain and lies. He'll either get back to her the second she'll have him, or find the next OW.

It is all so predictable, still flowing the Script. Please don't fall for his shit! Re-read all your posts from the beginning on here if that helps remind you of how horrible he's made you feel. How cruel, abusive and destructive he is. And remember that is was is modelled to your kids!!! Fuck having a good laugh one evening and a couple of compliments. You deserve much more than this!

Yeah, you seem to be "hitting pause" pretty quickly.... especially since he nastily admits he'd fight for custody. Are you seriously accepting that as remorse?? The pretend crying and hugging... pathetic and manipulative .... You say he was trying to get back into HER good books AFTER you told him you were preparing for divorce.... and other lies to her..... but you're thinking of giving him another chance .... seriously ???? I can't help it, but for some tine I've thought there was something off with this entire post, and the fact that miraculously he "confessed" right at the exact point you were going to a solicitor, and you are quickly back peddling also sounds suspect to me I'm afraid. I no longer think any of this was real!!!!!

He will treat you like crap as soon as she decides to get back with him. Wonder if she found out he's married

The fact he ALREADY tried to get back with the OW, I mean what the actual fuck?!?!?!?!

The facts as I understand them are:
He has emotionally abused you for months, making you feel unloved, unworthy and driven you to therapy to understand what is wrong with you.
He has cheated on you for nearly a year.
He has been dumped by his Girlfriend, whom he told he loved and denied your existence to.

So far, am I on track? If so, what of this makes him worthy of you reconciling with him?

Then, if I understand correctly, he begged OW for her back. She’s not playing ball, so he used the exact same language to win you - his plan b, second option, back. Doubled down by flipping his ‘good’ behaviour back on.
He's then also shown he’ll get nasty if you want custody, demonstrating he’ll put fighting you above the best interests of his children and infact it’s not you he wants, it’s the financial and reputational stability of himself as a family man he wants - and you’re collateral.
He’s also emotionally manipulated you by telling you he’s suicidal.

@EmmaThompsonsTears do absolutely nothing right now unless it’s filing for divorce.

Ask yourself;
Has he show true and total remorse - not guilt - actually remorse? definition:
Remorse is a deep, painful feeling of regret or guilt for something wrong you’ve done, especially when it has hurt someone else. It’s more than just feeling bad — it’s often accompanied by a sincere wish to make amends or undo the harm caused.
^^
It usually involves:
^^

• Recognition: Realizing that your actions were wrong or caused harm.
• Emotional response: Feeling sorrow, guilt, or shame.
• Empathy: Understanding or feeling the pain of the person you’ve hurt.
• Desire for repair: Wanting to apologize, make it right, or change your behavior.

Remorse is different from just saying “sorry” to avoid consequences — it’s a genuine internal experience that often leads to changed behavior or a need for forgiveness.

Has he acknowledged and admitted the emotional abuse he has made you endure?
Has he agree never to contact her again?
Has he agreed to change jobs so he has no need to be in contact with her?
Has he told her all about you, his wife, and what he’s put you through?
Has he agreed to tell his family, and hold himself accountable?
Has he opened all devices and communication channels, bank statements etc for full transparency?

As an absolute bear minimum, before even considering reconciliation I would demand the above. I would then take as much time as you need, on your terms, to decide what you want to do.

But it’s unclear from your message why he confessed? Was she threatening him with something? Is there more to this?