Page 39 | DH Affair. How do I cope with family holiday?

EmmaThompsonsTears · 2025-06-01T14:23:45+00:00

New account in case outing. I’ve just found out in the last 24 hours that my husband has been having an affair for the last 9 months at least. 2 DCs - 4 & 18m. He doesn’t know I know. I plan to keep it that way so I can see a solicitor and sort out finances. But we leave for a family holiday tomorrow, and I feel like I’m going to explode. How can I get through this week? Hand hold needed. Any advice welcome. I’ve been lurking on these threads for a while and felt in my gut I was a victim of The Script. Checked his phone while he was asleep and I was right. Please help.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 14/06/2025 08:18

I’ve just caught up with this thread and for a moment I thought you’d caved but so proud you haven’t. Now you know your worth and how undeserving he is of it the energy has shifted and the redress of power has blown his mind. This is a lesson he needed to learn in life. You’ve been his teacher.

Your time together wasn’t wasted. You’ve had some great times and you have your beautiful children but now it’s time to move on to greater things. You’re untamed, free from his bullshit. I’m so proud of you. Your kids will learn about this story one day and it’ll mean they also won’t accept being treated so appallingly. Well done sister.

Big hug from Yorkshire. x😘

https://images.app.goo.gl/266Gw9Gyxf6dWwUc7

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/46446/still-i-rise

https://images.app.goo.gl/266Gw9Gyxf6dWwUc7

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 14/06/2025 08:21

Don’t put any energy into the OW.

What other people think about you is non of your business. You’re moving on!

notadrift · 14/06/2025 08:24

Fantastic @EmmaThompsonsTears , for a moment I thought you might be going to let yourself down (like I did, for years)

I am SO proud of you.
You will never, ever regret this.

Go to the divorce boards under a different name, when you need advice. They are brilliant. Always change ages/sexes/where you live etc, slightly x

BrewANDbikki · 14/06/2025 08:33

Give him the responsibility of the children as much as you can so his time is filled.
Just saw this probably a bit late but u cud leave phones at home?

There is a very well known energy company where cheating is rife from workers.

MellowPinkDeer · 14/06/2025 08:33

All your waiting around just gave him all the control and power, which he’s used to get himself out of a hole. You should have just confronted him, then he wouldn’t have been able to manipulate you in this way. Again. Dont allow him to decide your future.

edited and delighted to have seen your further update! Sorry ! So please you’re taking the control back

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 14/06/2025 08:36

theshineblog.com/untamed-glennon-doyle-quotes-to-bring-out-your-love-warrior/

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 14/06/2025 08:40

wecandohardthingspodcast.com/

rainingsnoring · 14/06/2025 08:40

Love your last post @EmmaThompsonsTears
Stay angry for now as that will spur you on to get rid of this horrible man.
You are amazing!

Coolcalmmoments · 14/06/2025 08:42

Now you have made your final decision on the understanable path you are taking OP,my concern is how this will affect the children if they witness agression & fighting between you both. It's bad enough their father due to his deplorable behaviour has caused the end of their world as they know it.The least they deserve is to try and make it as easy as possible for them by seeking professional advice on the best way forward in order for the situation to have the least impact on their long term mental wellbeing.

Isthisit22 · 14/06/2025 08:45

You are amazingly strong and brave. You can do this. It’s going to be rough but life will be so much better in the long run

GiantSaucepan · 14/06/2025 08:49

It’s ironic that you started this thread worrying about how you would survive the holiday, when it turned out it was the holiday that was the final catalyst that donated the bomb he’d put under his own life. Whatever comes next, you know you can weather any storm because you’ve survived this and he hasn’t broken you, far from it - you now are certain of your worth, you have proven your own strength and acted with dignity and alllll the smarts.

I think this will be the making of you and will lay the foundations for your brilliant new life. Go and grab it with both hands @EmmaThompsonsTears

Wishing you nothing but the very best, and hope stbxh finds the courage to step up and be a good co-parent.
✨✨✨

Yellowpingu · 14/06/2025 08:50

I’ve been lurking and watching this from the beginning but I just want to say that YOU ARE A TOTAL LEGEND!

Littlejellyuk · 14/06/2025 09:00

EmmaThompsonsTears · 14/06/2025 00:18

Thank you @GiantSaucepan and thank you everyone for reminding me to stay angry.

everyorn’s right: he only confessed because OW threatened to tell me and their workplace.

DH and MIL showed up today and tried to convince me to not do anything in haste. I (wrongly) took that to mean “don’t divorce him” and “stop being angry because it’s creating a bad atmosphere for the kids” and “don’t put his career at risk because it won’t be good for you or the kids” and I absolutely LOST MY SHIT. Shouted at him about the audacity to ask me to be reasonable and not put his career at risk over HIS actions.
Yelled that it wasn’t even about the affair or the OW, it was about all the abuse he put me through, and I absolutely wanted MIL to hear all the details of that

Still, I told him if he wanted me to be reasonable he’d have to give me full access to his phone so I could go in with my eyes open. Because last time he begged to have me back, he was doing the exact same thing with OW behind my back, and I had to be aware so I wouldn’t fall for his manipulative shit again.
had a good look through his phone (lots of nauseating stuff which made it clear that the affair was very much instigated by him) and then someone finally asked ME what I want.
i said I want a good night’s sleep, and then I want to file for divorce. I want to sell the house and coparent here together until then, but I will never forgive him or I’d be a mug. And the kids would learn that that’s how you treat women.
meanwhile STBexH (delighted to be using that acronym!) promised to go to counselling and have a total personality transplant now he’s seen the error of his ways. I have next to no faith that this will happen, but hopefully he’ll be a better father just for having a bit of therapy and admitting fault.
the point is that I no longer know or care if he’s buttering me up and telling me what I want to hear in order to worm his way back into my good books - because we’re divorcing, and it doesn’t matter. All I can see ahead is freedom.
and then we had a very good chat about what i want re coparenting and the boundaries around that

ill say it again: hes done me a huge favor, doing this. I never would have left for just the abuse, because I internalised it so much and it was so insidious, it wasn’t easy to define as abuse. But cheating is impossible to internalise. The cheating made him irredeemably a prick. I inarguably deserve better. The end.

and I’ll say this again: anger is a gift. It showed me that someone was attempting to mess with my boundaries. It was right. I’m not out of the woods yet, but I WILL get what I want. And what I want, always, is what’s best for the kids.

thank you all for helping me not to take my eye off the ball, and to see through the bullshit. You’re heroes and I hope this thread hopes somebody else one day too ❤️

Show quote history

I have read all your posts and my God you are an amazing woman! ❤️
I'm so glad you have found the gifts of anger, the strength and the tenacity to power forward and fight this fight. 👊
You will look back on this one day and know that you are doing the absolute right thing for you and your children. 💕
Cheering you on here and doing backflips in my mind, as you are a powerhouse 👏
High fives to you, lovely lady, I hope you have a wonderful weekend 😘

Marylou62 · 14/06/2025 09:03

Another lurker here who's rooting for you. I truly hope that your journey going forward is as easy as possible and that you come back to this post and update us all that you have found peace for you and your DC.

Whatwouldnanado · 14/06/2025 09:03

Massive, massive well done and all the best to you and the kids for what comes next. 💐

OneFootInTheDave · 14/06/2025 09:08

Time to start a new thread @EmmaThompsonsTears - so we can all support you through the next chapter!

Kudos for re-discovering your anger🙏

maxybrown · 14/06/2025 09:10

EmmaThompsonsTears · 14/06/2025 00:18

Thank you @GiantSaucepan and thank you everyone for reminding me to stay angry.

everyorn’s right: he only confessed because OW threatened to tell me and their workplace.

DH and MIL showed up today and tried to convince me to not do anything in haste. I (wrongly) took that to mean “don’t divorce him” and “stop being angry because it’s creating a bad atmosphere for the kids” and “don’t put his career at risk because it won’t be good for you or the kids” and I absolutely LOST MY SHIT. Shouted at him about the audacity to ask me to be reasonable and not put his career at risk over HIS actions.
Yelled that it wasn’t even about the affair or the OW, it was about all the abuse he put me through, and I absolutely wanted MIL to hear all the details of that

Still, I told him if he wanted me to be reasonable he’d have to give me full access to his phone so I could go in with my eyes open. Because last time he begged to have me back, he was doing the exact same thing with OW behind my back, and I had to be aware so I wouldn’t fall for his manipulative shit again.
had a good look through his phone (lots of nauseating stuff which made it clear that the affair was very much instigated by him) and then someone finally asked ME what I want.
i said I want a good night’s sleep, and then I want to file for divorce. I want to sell the house and coparent here together until then, but I will never forgive him or I’d be a mug. And the kids would learn that that’s how you treat women.
meanwhile STBexH (delighted to be using that acronym!) promised to go to counselling and have a total personality transplant now he’s seen the error of his ways. I have next to no faith that this will happen, but hopefully he’ll be a better father just for having a bit of therapy and admitting fault.
the point is that I no longer know or care if he’s buttering me up and telling me what I want to hear in order to worm his way back into my good books - because we’re divorcing, and it doesn’t matter. All I can see ahead is freedom.
and then we had a very good chat about what i want re coparenting and the boundaries around that

ill say it again: hes done me a huge favor, doing this. I never would have left for just the abuse, because I internalised it so much and it was so insidious, it wasn’t easy to define as abuse. But cheating is impossible to internalise. The cheating made him irredeemably a prick. I inarguably deserve better. The end.

and I’ll say this again: anger is a gift. It showed me that someone was attempting to mess with my boundaries. It was right. I’m not out of the woods yet, but I WILL get what I want. And what I want, always, is what’s best for the kids.

thank you all for helping me not to take my eye off the ball, and to see through the bullshit. You’re heroes and I hope this thread hopes somebody else one day too ❤️

Show quote history

You are fantastic! Well done for choosing you, well done for choosing your kids. It's so so hard to do when like you say, the abuse has been insidious and not easy to define, but it absolutely was abuse and it's soul destroying and before you know....40 years of your life has passed and you just don't bloody well know how.

Love how it was all engineered to play even further on your weakened state of being abused by asking you to consider things and before you break everything up. WTAF

You are strong and amazing even if sometimes the doubts creep in. Push them back out where they belong. Well done!

TheRealMrsFeltz · 14/06/2025 09:18

@EmmaThompsonsTears you are one courageous lady.
You’ve got a long hard road ahead of you now, don’t underestimate how difficult living together- apart will be. I’d suggest looking at couples therapy to work through how you can be the best co-parents and navigate this new relationship between you. Now you’ve reignited yourself and removed yourself from the menu he’ll no doubt oscillate between wanting you back, and hating you / blaming you for his own failings. Do focus on building whatever support you can build around you - friends, family, therapy, etc to keep you going. Start a new thread if MN support & wisdom can help you through.
I wish you and your little family every happiness 💕💕

growinguptobreakingdown · 14/06/2025 09:25

Op I've been checking in hoping for an update like your last one.Keep strong, keep posting here for support.It's not easy but in 1 year you will be settled and totally free from his fuckery.You are amazing and he is a manipulative cheat.

Goodlorditssummer · 14/06/2025 09:38

Well, isn’t he just a very sad cliche? What an absolute moron! I honestly do not know how they do it. Believe their own bullshit, to try to justify the unjustifiable? It’s a level of self deception that baffles me. Anyway, you op are not believing his bullshit, obviously and good for you. Let him slither off with his hurt pride and his made up, totally fictional script. He has lost everything, no one wants him now. That is his reward for being such a total shithead. But you? You will rise and thrive, free from a deluded, selfish man baby. That can only be a good thing xxx

Dawninglory · 14/06/2025 09:43

Pleased for you OP, that you stood strong and true to yourself. It took me 18mths to recover from all the fallout/divorce. My DS was only 4months old at the time. Stay strong you'll get through it 💪 💐👸🏽

thepariscrimefiles · 14/06/2025 09:56

EmmaThompsonsTears · 14/06/2025 00:18

Thank you @GiantSaucepan and thank you everyone for reminding me to stay angry.

everyorn’s right: he only confessed because OW threatened to tell me and their workplace.

DH and MIL showed up today and tried to convince me to not do anything in haste. I (wrongly) took that to mean “don’t divorce him” and “stop being angry because it’s creating a bad atmosphere for the kids” and “don’t put his career at risk because it won’t be good for you or the kids” and I absolutely LOST MY SHIT. Shouted at him about the audacity to ask me to be reasonable and not put his career at risk over HIS actions.
Yelled that it wasn’t even about the affair or the OW, it was about all the abuse he put me through, and I absolutely wanted MIL to hear all the details of that

Still, I told him if he wanted me to be reasonable he’d have to give me full access to his phone so I could go in with my eyes open. Because last time he begged to have me back, he was doing the exact same thing with OW behind my back, and I had to be aware so I wouldn’t fall for his manipulative shit again.
had a good look through his phone (lots of nauseating stuff which made it clear that the affair was very much instigated by him) and then someone finally asked ME what I want.
i said I want a good night’s sleep, and then I want to file for divorce. I want to sell the house and coparent here together until then, but I will never forgive him or I’d be a mug. And the kids would learn that that’s how you treat women.
meanwhile STBexH (delighted to be using that acronym!) promised to go to counselling and have a total personality transplant now he’s seen the error of his ways. I have next to no faith that this will happen, but hopefully he’ll be a better father just for having a bit of therapy and admitting fault.
the point is that I no longer know or care if he’s buttering me up and telling me what I want to hear in order to worm his way back into my good books - because we’re divorcing, and it doesn’t matter. All I can see ahead is freedom.
and then we had a very good chat about what i want re coparenting and the boundaries around that

ill say it again: hes done me a huge favor, doing this. I never would have left for just the abuse, because I internalised it so much and it was so insidious, it wasn’t easy to define as abuse. But cheating is impossible to internalise. The cheating made him irredeemably a prick. I inarguably deserve better. The end.

and I’ll say this again: anger is a gift. It showed me that someone was attempting to mess with my boundaries. It was right. I’m not out of the woods yet, but I WILL get what I want. And what I want, always, is what’s best for the kids.

thank you all for helping me not to take my eye off the ball, and to see through the bullshit. You’re heroes and I hope this thread hopes somebody else one day too ❤️

Show quote history

You are amazing and so strong OP. Your children are lucky to have you.

I can't believe that your STBXH brought his mummy along for moral support. When my ex-husband left me and three kids for someone that he managed at work, my (uneducated, anti-semitic (my dad is Jewish), born again Christian) MIL told me that he did this because I read too many books. She brushed past his adultery as though it was irrelevant. Her home didn't have a single book in it. I was well rid and so will you be.

ExercicenformedeZ · 14/06/2025 09:59

pimplebum · 14/06/2025 07:21

If his mum is decent she will be encouraging her son to be kind and reasonable, I’d be mortified if my son behaved like this to his wife and whilst I’d always love and have my sons back I’d want to keep a positive relationship with my ex daughter in law

fingers crossed 🤞 she is like this but also be prepared for her being a version of him in a wig , he didn’t lick it up of the ground , the mental messing with you and coldness is a learnt behaviour

If I had a son (or a daughter) who behaved like the OP's STBX, I would like to think that I wouldn't 'have their back'. I wouldn't be sweet to my DIL's face and support my son behind her back, but would tell him he was on his own.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 14/06/2025 10:00

Brava, he deserved every word of that. Now get that SHL you’ve found to do some of the fighting for you. Don’t assume he will be reasonable, you know what he was prepared to put you through but remember you are not doing this alone. Use your lawyer as a shield and us for moral support.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 14/06/2025 10:13

He will pretend to have changed. He will even believe this himself. It's up to you whether you believe it or not. It is obvious has a lot of power over you and it will take years of therapy (and your sister) to make you see this and be wary of him.

You need to remember two things:

The value he places on you and your children is so low, that he happily binned you all for a woman he met once at a conference.
The women of mumsnet are ALWAYS right when it comes to men and relationships.

My own personal opinion is that the psychological abuse he subjected and his children you to, so that he could justify himself, makes him one of the worst husbands I've read about on here in years.