DH Affair. How do I cope with family holiday?

[EmmaThompsonsTears]

New account in case outing.

I’ve just found out in the last 24 hours that my husband has been having an affair for the last 9 months at least.
2 DCs - 4 & 18m.

He doesn’t know I know. I plan to keep it that way so I can see a solicitor and sort out finances. But we leave for a family holiday tomorrow, and I feel like I’m going to explode.

How can I get through this week? Hand hold needed. Any advice welcome.

I’ve been lurking on these threads for a while and felt in my gut I was a victim of The Script. Checked his phone while he was asleep and I was right. Please help.

Tell everyone op, my story is very similar and I did not let him hide from what he’d done

Was it satisfying? When he’s villainised me for so long I can’t wait. No amount of forgotten items on the grocery list or “not listening” makes up for cheating sir. I want to shout it from the rooftops but know I have to wait and be smart

I was in a similar a position in that I found out on holiday and had to get through the rest of the time away knowing. I didn't tell him I knew. In fact I didn't tell him until the night before he went back to work. He was a teacher.

I think somehow you find the strength from somewhere. If he's been horrible to you for the last nine months then your home hasn't been as happy as you think now. Your four-year-old might be upset at first but honestly they will soon get past that as long as they have a routine for seeing their dad.

I am so sorry, I really feel for you. I think over the next few weeks a number of things will fall into place. You might find the affair has gone on even longer than you thought. I hope you have a good friend you can talk to soon.

Accidently "forget" his passport and only find out at the airport. He doesn't deserve a holiday with you.

I’m so sorry OP and I hope you have people around you who love you and support you right now. It really does sound like you’re about to get your life back though. There is no excuse for cheating. Emotionally mature people talk it out with their other half, they don’t run off with the first person to throw a compliment their way.

And his attempted insult that you’ve changed since you had kids? Of course you have - it’s pretty life changing! You literally grew two humans and became a mum. You’re amazing. And now your therapist can help you through this next transition. You’ll have some tough days/moments and I’m sure he’ll try and make this all your fault but he is the one who did this.

In a calm moment when it’s all out, please remind your ‘D’H that he is the one who will have to spend the rest of his parenting life making sure his children don’t feel like he chose her over them too.

Holiday wise, you have two kids, I’m sure peaceful moments will be few and far between! But if the evenings are tough, ‘accidentally’ fall asleep during bedtime one night, perhaps pretend a close family member or friend is having problems and ‘text’ them all evening, enjoy some long baths alone. Hopefully it’ll speed by and you’ll have plenty of lovely memories with your kids. Good luck!

Op it sounds like the trash is going to take itself out - when my ex did this to me, my first feeling was one of relief - he became so moody and like you, l couldn't do anything right. Did me the biggest favour of my life! We didn't have kids - sounds like him being there is more damaging to them than if he goes.
Good luck - you can do this xxx

Do you have a friend you can confide in?

Me too

Ps he is such a cliche op
I have heard rhe same story has been told by every man who cheats postpartum. What a dick. None of it is your fault remember that!

I agree! I want to take you for a drink or three op'

@EmmaThompsonsTears you cannot hide money in accounts but you can hide it in cash! a bit from this account, a bit from that account, every week and it soon mounts up. you could have a few thousand in a very short space of time. all ducks in a row and all birth certs, marriage certs, mortgage acc pensions etc every single thing. start looking for property for yourself and kids now.

It’s your DH having the affair. He’s responsible. He’s in a relationship while married. She’s single, free as a bird.

Thank you everyone for all your kind words, I really appreciate it ❤️ struggling to sleep again tonight and I’m scared he’s going to notice and realise something’s up, but I think the ‘feign illness’ advice from you guys is really sound, so thank you. I’m still going on the trip but if the lack of sleep affects me that’s what I’ll say.

Luckily I was able to call my sister this morning, change the passcode on my phone (and hide the fact that I’ve done so) and get a few financial docs in order. We’re really close and I’ve sworn her to secrecy until the time is right, but it’s amazing to be able to vent with her - and you! It’s helping me so much.

I think once I’ve got through this week, hiding it won’t be as hard work, as DH and I are like ships in the night (especially when he keeps going out for walks to FaceTime OW). But these early days are going to be really, really tough. So I massively appreciate the support 🙏🏻

Can I suggest you don't go telling everyone. I've seen this go horribly wrong. You have kids and will need to have a coparent relationship with him for a long time. He can turn nasty and make things very difficult for you and you'll regret it.

I'm a Counsellor and going on blast to reveal all, is not what you need to do.

Tell people who will support you. Don't tell people just for the sake of making him look bad. You know what he's done and going. Gather your evidence and focus on the way ahead.

In time, further down the line, the people who need to know can be told.

What a scumbsg! Glad you have realised he’s been gaslighting you and you gave support. All I can suggest is focus on the kids having a wonderful holiday with you

I think you should talk to him about it

If there’s one thing this site is great for it’s helping women to recognise when something isn’t right and aiding them with how to get out as fairly as possible. As tough as it is to pretend all is well it will all be worth it in the end. The fact this man has allowed you to be in therapy feeling responsibility for relationship difficulties says so much about what a horrible human he is. Your life can only get better without having someone like that for a partner.

Just pretend you feel poorly and use that excuse to keep a distance.

Oh I totally feel for you. My youngest was also 4 when I caught XH cheating. He sounds exactly the same, gaslighting me for months, I’d changed blah blah blah. Anyway you play the game. I did the stashing of money and buying things in preparation. It all helps.
what I did:
got my mum to open a bank account and every single time I went shopping I got £50 cash back which went straight in there. Even if I bought something for £1 or £20 I got the cash back. Obviously didn’t keep supermarket receipts and it just was ‘groceries’ DC were “eating me out of house and home” etc etc. all the cash went into my mums account which only I had the card for.

I got all the paperwork I needed out of the house and kept it at my friends house - mine and DC passports, birth certificates, pension, marriage certificate. I photocopied all his bank statements, pension statements, wage slips - everything so he couldn’t hide it in court.
I started buying things the kids would need pretending they had outgrown shoes. That there was special offer on in kids school clothes etc. not that he really bothered but I mentioned it anyway. Squirreled them away too along with ‘bargains’ for kids birthday and Christmas presents.

Paid off the family holiday too, then cancelled him off it once I got home with the divorce papers. Obviously I got the refund not him.

I also phoned the mortgage company, any joint accounts etc and explained the situation. Asked for the savings account to be frozen until the court decided what to do with it. That meant he couldn’t drain it. However he did with another account but that’s another story and the judge made him pay it back…

i kept a diary of everything. Every cruel word or act. That really helped me in court as I had dates, times etc. eveything I needed. When he got violent once I phoned the police and let me lawyer know that I was scared of him and needed to change the locks. The court agreed as it had been reported to the police and as much as he raged about it it was done.

I went round every solicitor until I found one who I knew would fight for me and my babies. The ones who told me I could cry there and offered me a box of tissues were not what I needed. I looked for and found a ball breaker. I hope they still do the free 20-30 min consultation now as that was how I did it. Also got some great advice.

but you will get through this and your children will thrive. My dc are adults now and don’t want him in their lives. They are happy and successful without him and he’s the one who missed out big time. Think he’s regretting it now and is trying but it is too late. They have great lives, they are happy and secure in themselves which they wouldn’t have been if he’d stayed around. You have got this. As you say use the holiday. Do you have a friend or relative you can trust to go to your house while you’re away to go through any of his paperwork and get your documents hidden away for you? No way he’d catch you doing it then!

Amazing!

how did he take it? What happened?

proud of you!

Two words, forensic accountant.

I’m so so sorry this is happening to you! I found out my ex was cheating and it was bloody awful but we didn’t have any children. How did you find out? My DH has been awful to me over the last few months (or even longer…) and I’ve been wondering if he’s got someone else but I don’t know how I could find out!

I’d say if you have to go on this holiday (could you fake a UTI to stay home??) just focus on spending time with your DCs and ignore him but not that much that he realises that you know about him cheating!

Sending big hugs xx

Best of luck OP, you sound like you can handle it, I hope he won't know what hit him, and of course you deserve so much better 🌻

Does anyone know if gift-cards have to be declared? Buying up gift cards for clothes shops, bookshops or toy stores could be passed off as presents for other kids etc.

I was told the same story too. Was all my fault. Not the fact he was fucking someone else

Is it worth overpaying the mortgage and other big bills from your joint account first the next few months, to give you a payment holiday if you need it (he may try to starve you out by not paying bills).