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Original poster

DH Affair. How do I cope with family holiday?

1000 replies

EmmaThompsonsTears · 01/06/2025 15:23

New account in case outing.

I’ve just found out in the last 24 hours that my husband has been having an affair for the last 9 months at least.
2 DCs - 4 & 18m.

He doesn’t know I know. I plan to keep it that way so I can see a solicitor and sort out finances. But we leave for a family holiday tomorrow, and I feel like I’m going to explode.

How can I get through this week? Hand hold needed. Any advice welcome.

I’ve been lurking on these threads for a while and felt in my gut I was a victim of The Script. Checked his phone while he was asleep and I was right. Please help.

OP posts:
Tooty78 · 12/06/2025 20:36

Please re read all your posts ETT, this excuse of a 'man' is a lying manipulative cheat.
He doesn't love or care for you or your DC, he only cares for himself, and he is playing you. Can you talk to your sister? You need a fresh pair of eyes on this, as you must be going through so many emotions.

As another poster said, he is NOT your friend.

Twattergy · 12/06/2025 20:36

He'd have lost me 100% at the 'fighting for her' part. What? He wants to fight for a long distance fling as much as for you, the mother of his children, the woman who has built an entire life with him?!?!? How dare he. That is completely fucked up. Don't play the pick me game. Call an end to it ASAP. Rip off the plaster now. I say this from experience.

Washingupdone · 12/06/2025 20:39

Copy all the messages they had between them.
Sortout different ways over money matters, reset for everything in the open

Daisymail · 12/06/2025 20:40

WiddlinDiddlin · 12/06/2025 20:11

Don't fall for it - he is seeing which of you will accept him back, if you both do he will carry on the affair.

If she doesn't and you do, he will cheat on you again when the opportunity arises.

He is not sorry he hurt you or treated you like shit - he is sorry he got caught, he is sorry his life might get really difficult, he is sorry that it may cost him...

Continue your plan to divorce him, or you are teaching your children it is fine for men to treat women like total shit.

Absolutely this!

grumpygrape · 12/06/2025 20:41

TheRealMrsFeltz · 12/06/2025 20:34

The facts as I understand them are:
He has emotionally abused you for months, making you feel unloved, unworthy and driven you to therapy to understand what is wrong with you.
He has cheated on you for nearly a year.
He has been dumped by his Girlfriend, whom he told he loved and denied your existence to.

So far, am I on track? If so, what of this makes him worthy of you reconciling with him?

Then, if I understand correctly, he begged OW for her back. She’s not playing ball, so he used the exact same language to win you - his plan b, second option, back. Doubled down by flipping his ‘good’ behaviour back on.
He's then also shown he’ll get nasty if you want custody, demonstrating he’ll put fighting you above the best interests of his children and infact it’s not you he wants, it’s the financial and reputational stability of himself as a family man he wants - and you’re collateral.
He’s also emotionally manipulated you by telling you he’s suicidal.

@EmmaThompsonsTears do absolutely nothing right now unless it’s filing for divorce.

Ask yourself;
Has he show true and total remorse - not guilt - actually remorse? definition:
Remorse is a deep, painful feeling of regret or guilt for something wrong you’ve done, especially when it has hurt someone else. It’s more than just feeling bad — it’s often accompanied by a sincere wish to make amends or undo the harm caused.
^^
It usually involves:
^^

  • Recognition: Realizing that your actions were wrong or caused harm.
  • Emotional response: Feeling sorrow, guilt, or shame.
  • Empathy: Understanding or feeling the pain of the person you’ve hurt.
  • Desire for repair: Wanting to apologize, make it right, or change your behavior.

Remorse is different from just saying “sorry” to avoid consequences — it’s a genuine internal experience that often leads to changed behavior or a need for forgiveness.

Has he acknowledged and admitted the emotional abuse he has made you endure?
Has he agree never to contact her again?
Has he agreed to change jobs so he has no need to be in contact with her?
Has he told her all about you, his wife, and what he’s put you through?
Has he agreed to tell his family, and hold himself accountable?
Has he opened all devices and communication channels, bank statements etc for full transparency?

As an absolute bear minimum, before even considering reconciliation I would demand the above. I would then take as much time as you need, on your terms, to decide what you want to do.

But it’s unclear from your message why he confessed? Was she threatening him with something? Is there more to this?

Lot of sense in this post

Daisymail · 12/06/2025 20:41

Youdontseehow · 12/06/2025 20:13

so he told OW he was fighting for their relationship and you’re giving him another chance? I’m not sure how you can possibly live like this ….. I’d be second guessing every female he ever spoke to again! I’d also bet my right arm they have shagged at least once.

I get it @EmmaThompsonsTears - you’ve a family and a life together and for that to end is heartbreaking/ but I think you are just kicking the can down the road and storing up trouble for the future.

It’s not so much that he strayed (emotionally and/or physically) - he’s put his whole family and job on the line and been duplicitous for months. That level of deceit takes a lot of effort.

He’s still a scumbag. Sorry.

And this!

Alwaysinamood · 12/06/2025 20:43

Oh my gosh it sounds like you’re giving him another chance. Please don’t!! Everyone here is literally shouting at their phones 🙈

Goodluckanddontfitup · 12/06/2025 20:43

I’ve been quietly following this but feel
the need to say something now. Do not lose your resolve here, nothing has changed, he is still the awful man you wanted to divorce. All you are doing by pausing your plans to instruct solicitors and start divorce proceedings is giving him time to get his ducks in row, giving him
the power back. Nothing has changed, please don’t just give in now.

ThisOchreScroller · 12/06/2025 20:44

Don't be a mug! This is the man who is shouting and swearing at you in front of the kids, which leaves scars, tries to turn them against you for things like tripping them up when you didn't, and has been trying to make you the bad guy if you split. Why would you stay with him?

Feetinthegrass · 12/06/2025 20:45

Re read your own posts op. Re-centre yourself so you are able to make a clear decision.
Pack him off to his mother’s house and call a counsellor.

Original poster
EmmaThompsonsTears · 12/06/2025 20:46

Planesmistakenforstars · 12/06/2025 20:20

he became this cold, distant, liar.

This is who he is OP. She isn't a witch who cast a spell. He might also laugh and cuddle with you, but the man who was emotionally abusive you for 9 months is who and what he is too. The fact he can flip a switch like that is actually disturbing.

And he would not have confessed of his own volition. You pushed him because you already knew. He will learn to cover his tracks much better now though, should you let him weasel his way back.

Then they met in person at a big all-office work do, and ended up having sex.

You know they've had sex, but are you now believing his word that they didn't? I'm sorry OP, this must be very difficult for you, but you seem to give him the benefit of the doubt after all he's done.

This, this and 1000 x this.

The longer he stays out of the house (he’s gone to see his parents) the angrier I get again.

I don’t know for sure that they had sex. But the way they were messaging each other implied they did.

OP posts:
Beaniebobbins · 12/06/2025 20:46

Please keep a record of these conversations and discuss them with option 3 (this is like reverse blind date). Threatening to take the kids away from you and using them as pawns is very problematic the sort of thing that the courts would take into account. It also means that you might need to go through courts to get child arrangement order because he sounds like he can’t be trusted to stick to less formal arrangement.

Also I mentioned earlier that if his work finds out there could be implications for his job. The OW may or may now be in a position where she is looking for revenge and could be considering outing him at work now. If he does lose his job this would impact on any financial agreement for you. I would suggest finding out what the situation would be. Some workplaces might just turn a blind eye or might just give him a warning or something.

Give yourself some space from him and take some time to think about what to do next. Don’t rush decisions or do anything rash, divorce is a marathon not a sprint, counselling can be used to help couples separate as well as to help them stay together. I think he’s an even bigger twat than I did before but only you can decide what you do next.

Whatwouldnanado · 12/06/2025 20:47

You’ve been in my thoughts, and your update is really worrying. Please read back this thread and take the above advice. You would be better off alone than with this man. Children are more resilient than you imagine. What would you say to your daughter if she had been treated in the terrible way you endured for so long? See your lawyer ASAP.

Doubledenim305 · 12/06/2025 20:47

I think it is real and if not, I think this whole thread has been helpful to a lot of women in similar situations?
It's good to talk about stuff like this as women. There's a lot of suffering in silence and covering up I am sure. It's difficult to know what is normal, what is right and how to deal with the gnarly parts of life. This has been a very helpful discussion in general.

Adviceplease2022 · 12/06/2025 20:49

Figroll16 · 12/06/2025 20:12

Oh OP be careful -I feel I could have written your last post myself.
I had all the begging, crying and pleading so I gave him a second chance only for him to do it again within 2 years-I kicked him out after that.
I truly believe that once they’ve gotten away with it once, it paves the way for future infidelities because they don’t respect you.

This!!

OP please be very wary. I’ve been in your shoes. Wasting 4 years. Never trusted him again and he reverted back

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 12/06/2025 20:52

Gosh what a nasty, manipulative, selfish bastard he is.

Original poster
EmmaThompsonsTears · 12/06/2025 20:52

Thank you all for knocking some sense into me. He’s on his way back now. Gameface on.

OP posts:
FreeRider · 12/06/2025 20:53

My father pulled the exact same shit with my mother when he came back from working abroad and 'confessed' that he'd cheated on her.

I was 18 at the time - it wasn't the first time he'd cheated on her, he'd started before I had even started primary school. She'd already given him so many 'second' chances...and she did again.

3 years later, 6 months after my younger brother turned 18, he left my mother for the OW he'd been shagging for 9 months. It was so obvious that he had been waiting for his youngest child to turn 18...

Leavetheteabaginthecup · 12/06/2025 20:53

What a whirlwind OP! It does sound like you're considering staying, and instead of telling you what you should or shouldn't do, I just want to leave you with some questions to consider.

Will he be willing to do an STD test?

Would he be willing to do couples counselling? And take the steps to set this up, plus be open in it?

Has he truly apologised for how he's treated you, re making you feel like you're the problem?

Has he recognised it's problematic to have involved his kids in this by sending videos of them? That he disrespected you as a mother as well as a wife?

Is he still going to work with her?

Has he told anyone else in your social circle?

Has he broke things off with her or blocked her?

Have you seen messages to confirm this? Do they leave things open to reconcile?

Is he willing to have an open device policy until trust is rebuilt?

Could they be messaging on work apps, and is there a way he can build trust on this?

Is he facing professional repercussions?

Is he willing for you to contact her? (If you want too.)

If you did split, what would ideal custody look like for him?

Is he willing to divide financial assets to make it easier for you to leave if you decide too?

Is he willing to take accountability for his actions by telling family, should you want him too?

Has he been honest about how this came to fruition, and continued? How has he justified the time and energy he's poured into her instead of your family?

Has he considered divorce, and why hasn't he filed instead of continuing an EA?

Flossy1985 · 12/06/2025 20:54

Rooting for you OP do not fall for this bullshit. You got this!!! ❤️

Tiredandwired2 · 12/06/2025 20:55

I have been following this for a while in awe of your strength.

Echo what a lot of others are saying. Do not fall for this manipulation. I experienced a similar manipulation with my exH.

Everything he says is about him and only him, which is why his behaviour can shift quickly depending on what he perceives as the best option FOR HIM.

Do not be fooled. Stay strong.

CRCGran · 12/06/2025 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

OchreRaven · 12/06/2025 20:57

EmmaThompsonsTears · 12/06/2025 20:46

This, this and 1000 x this.

The longer he stays out of the house (he’s gone to see his parents) the angrier I get again.

I don’t know for sure that they had sex. But the way they were messaging each other implied they did.

Show quote history

Of course they did. She thought he was her bf. Why? Because they had been intimate!

But even without the sex he still had an affair. She thought he was her boyfriend!!

Do you know what the argument was about? Does she know about you now?

From reading their messages, was there any pull back from him since he told you he wanted to ‘try’ on holiday?

If I got this right he half confessed because of their fight (was there actual repercussions at work?) you pushed and he fully confessed (other than the sex). Then you told him you were divorcing him and he said he would kill himself and then ran off the text the OW to beg for another chance?

You said you were then laughing and cuddling. Was this after you read his messages or before he messaged her?

Sorry for all the questions but as written you couldn’t have said a worse scenario so confused as to why you think it could be salvaged?

Bumblingbee101 · 12/06/2025 20:57

@EmmaThompsonsTears I hope you are okay firstly that's a lot to go through. Please really think about what you said before he confessed. If you read back your last post you can see he lied to you multiple times again once he showed you texts. He showered you with love and then said he would get nasty over custody please don't let him treat you and your boys like this. Seek advice from a solicitor privately and start considering keeping finances separate. Take care OP.

Travelsfar · 12/06/2025 20:59

Don't fall for it OP he’s manipulating you for his own ends even down threatening you with a nasty custody battle. I know you would like the happily ever after but it’s not going to happen with this prick. If you concede you’re just elongating years of unhappiness until he eventually leaves you when it suits him. That’s the hard truth sorry 😔. You can be strong you’ve proved it so for your own self worth and that of your children tell him to jog on !!! You WILL survive - and thrive without him!!

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