DH Affair. How do I cope with family holiday?

[EmmaThompsonsTears]

New account in case outing.

I’ve just found out in the last 24 hours that my husband has been having an affair for the last 9 months at least.
2 DCs - 4 & 18m.

He doesn’t know I know. I plan to keep it that way so I can see a solicitor and sort out finances. But we leave for a family holiday tomorrow, and I feel like I’m going to explode.

How can I get through this week? Hand hold needed. Any advice welcome.

I’ve been lurking on these threads for a while and felt in my gut I was a victim of The Script. Checked his phone while he was asleep and I was right. Please help.

This! I’m trying to find it for you but it was epic.

i would go, and who gives a fuck if you have a bad mood on… have your bad days but do go. And your kids are good ages for this to happen now, rather than when they’re older. Sending big Unmumsnetty hugs to you OP x

I agree.

You don't need to tell him how you know.

Just that you know.

Can I ask whether a small part of you is tempted not to tell him you know about her and just say that you've decided it's not working? Drive him mad wondering how you could have the self respect to leave him just because he as a person isn’t good enough for you despite him having worked so hard to grind you down.

I'm sort of thinking how funny it would be if you dumped him just because, in his mind, youre not into him any more and then his girlfriend suddenly panicking about the realities of a needy man seeking validation and a warm bed and wanting to rush into a full blown relationship and she suddenly realoses shes young and embarrassed to publicly have him as her older boyfriend and he's just left standing there with two women having rejected him just because they don't want him and how funny it would be to see his fragile little ego taking a beating.

Oh and if she doesnt dump him and you play dumb and he thinks he has the upper hand to carry on his sneaky relationship, it might work better for you. He moves in with her, has to look and act like a nice guy and so it might play better in a divorce than if he's dumped by both of you and in a single bedsit or worse, the family home.

Be prepared that once his loss of you amd the kids is monetised, he may promise you the world to try again.

I definitely would not offer up any detail about how you know , he will deny and make you out to be deluded mad or paranoid and pick lots of holes in your story
so my advice would simply say “ I know who where , and when , I have proof “ and refuse to give any more details ( will drive him nuts )
I would also resist asking those burning question you do have , act like you don’t care how often , did it mean anything, did you? Would you ? Do you think ? Forget all that as you are never going to get straight answers ever, it will always be bullshit falling from his lips so act like you don’t care , head high , if possible make sure the estate agent puts a for sale up first thing the next day
id have his bags packed and an uber ready to take him to her address ( on his account )
please have your sister hiding upstairs or something in case of violence or if he refuses to leave

I like the joint email idea from up thread

really rooting for you hon, the way he has treated you makes my blood boil , I will decorate for you ( I mean it )

I think implying that you were anonymously texted by a work colleague that they were seen, would prove the most annoying for him.

Pricks like him invariably care more about their work reputation than anything else.

The idea that he would be the subject of potentially damaging idle gossip, can induce delicious paranoia in cheaters.

On reading EggNognighings advice I agree

just dump him because you don’t want him any more !

Actually I think this is the best way to go.

"I am not happy so I am getting a divorce from you" is amazing because it cuts at Billy Big Man's ego. Especially, as has been said, that he has tried to make himself look amazing and you look shit. The other thread referenced (the one where the OP kept her gob quiet for MONTHS, might have been over a year, to make sure she kept her home) had the husband say "Well I dont care, I have someone else anyway!" in attempt to hurt her. No reaction. Just an "oh, ok". That is the final cut of death. Not only are you leaving, you dont actually give a shit when he does his big reveal of OW.

Thank you for reminding me of the wonderful phrase “stick it up his hoop” which I’ve not heard in years but will absolutely use in at least 3 conversations tomorrow. 😄

Many years ago I got divorced. My solicitor was a rottweiler who worked fairly and for my straightforward 50/50 split of assets charged me a fixed price. I did my own filing and included the financial settlement that he'd drawn up. Said settlement said we would each cover our own costs.
My ex was a numpty. He paid by the hour for his solicitor who did nothing other than receive papers, get him in to sign them etc. His solicitor's bill was well into 4 figures by the time I was able to file the first set of court papers (back then you had to wait 2 years to get a no-fault divorce).
If I was having my time again, I like the sound of option 3. I'd ask about fixed price packages as that could work out better for you.

I think this is overthinking it. It gives him the opportunity to play the victim, and for OP to be painted as the bad guy. No ta. (No idea if it would but I’d also worry that being the one who leaves may negatively affect the divorce settlement, custody, etc?)

well done - genuinely - but I don’t think this offers any particularly good advice for OP.

@EmmaThompsonsTears - like others have said, I’m rooting for you. You H is a tool and anyone who can do this and lie about it for so long is despicable. There is no future in which his actions will not come back and really bite him on the bum - call it karma if you like - but people who act in this way always do something to someone that results in really unpleasant results for the shit-person.

💐❤️

Well done OP. You have handled this really well. His behaviour would have just got worse by the sound of it.

Definitely option 3. I would not go with any firm whose initial contact was not with the solicitor/partner you will be engaging. I had a very messy split where there was DA and I had put in 3/4s of the money into the house. I initially went with a small local firm who work across a range of legal areas because I wanted to save some money. At first hearing his top solicitor ripped her to pieces, it was horrendous. I promptly swapped to a London family law specialist firm and things turned around very quickly. They were 70 miles away but it didn’t matter. You have to assume he will engage the best legal team he can, you should do the same. Stay strong 💪

OP, May I recommend you listen to The Divorce Podcast on Spotify? Lots of good advice for someone starting these proceedings in there.

Going against the grain, I'd say keep everything you say and do as close to the truth as possible. No anonymous letters, pretending you don't know about OW. More chance you catch yourself out (and some of it is a little unhinged tbh). You want to be direct, factual, minimal in what you convey. Therein lies strength and power. I caught a cheater through their phone. I just threw the phone at them in the middle of the night and said 'you pathetic bastard'. Job done.

OP, I’m sorry this has happened. Are you familiar with the no fault divorce process? It doesn’t look to apportion blame, it just seeks to split assets / investments of the marriage 50/50 and, where this cannot be otherwise agreed, formalise childcare arrangements. The no fault divorce process isn’t interested in muck racking or flinging, just the division of your marital assets. A very close friend has spent 15k and 18 months persuing her soon to be ex husband through legal channels, due to his very complicated pension, the only people who win in these protected legal cases are the lawyers, whose fees are paid irrespective of your settlement amount / times scale for delivery. If you aren’t vastly wealthy with a large portfolio of assets, I would have your house/homes valued, download details of your pension funds and make a list of all items (cars, jewellery, art etc.) worth £1,000 or more, as you will need to list all items on your E1 form. Based on your descriptions it sounds like the marriage hasn’t been viable for quite some time, so I would stay completely focused on getting the best and most realistic settlement.

My advice for the conversation about the OW and requesting the divorce is treat it like a business transaction now. I agree with PPS that as much as a Beyonce style mike drop conversation is cathartic to imagine, they never go as you imagine.

Talk to him as you would if you were a manager terminating a contract of employment. Stick to facts (you are aware of actions x, y, z. you would like a divorce) rather than emotions. Keep the facts minimal too. How you know, how it makes you feel, etc is immaterial and irrelevant to the outcome now. Keep calm, regulate your breathing, keep your voice soft and try not to raise it. If he tries to draw you into an argument or start accusing you of things, acknowledge what he says but do not get side tracked (say something like I hear what you say and will take that into consideration in due course, however the current issue is ...)

Give him a list of what you want, i.e. you can't force him out of the house but you can request space, you can ask him to file for the divorce (why should you pay for it) etc. But present your requests calmly and like a business transaction.

Save the rage for the coven party (can i come too btw?) He is a twat but he is your kids dad so think about where you want the relationship to be in the future. Do you want to be able to both attend events like graduations without making it awkward for everyone? A massive row is just a waste of your energy, your insults, however truthful, cutting and witty, will bounce off his thick cheating skin.

Coats! Absolute legend. She came back recently and gave an update, all good. I might have the thread saved, will look.

Agree *BennyBee *think it is highly unlikely, given the narcistic, cruel, nasty, calculating, gaslighting tactics that OPs husband has, this would all get resolved and wrapped up in a jolly 30 minute phone call. I would 100% be using a solicitor, you want someone on your side able to fight this in the right way, for your benefit, knowing all the procedures and loopholes etc and meaning you don't have to deal with him directly yourself and as most have said option 3 sounds great.

Option 3 without a doubt.

I've been supporting a close friend through the divorce process for the 3.5 years; the financial order was finally stamped last month. Long marriage in legal terms (17 years) and approximately £2m of declared assets to be divided. Her legal fees so far are just shy of £100k and his are in the region of £50k. Her solicitors are now asking for £10k on account to facilitate pension sharing and other items ordered by the court.

Much of the work was undertaken by a paralegal overseen by the solicitor, who explained at the outset this would happen with the aim of keeping down costs. What wound up the costs, though, was the endless petty questions and other delaying antics of my friend's husband.

Maybe it would have been different if there'd been an OW in the background and he'd been keen to divorce. As it was, he seemed to treat the whole process as a means to punish her for leaving him.

Mediation would have been the way forward, but the husband refused to see anyone else's point of view or make any useful contribution towards settlement, so court proceedings it had to be.

For anyone reading this whose home is solely in their husband's name the best advice is to register* *Home Rights with the Land Registry. This worked very well for my friend, as once she left her husband put the house on the market without realising what she'd done. Long story short, he'd expected to pocket the entire proceeds of sale, but the Home Rights meant the sale couldn't complete without her consent; the only way forward was for the money to held in the conveyancing solicitors' clients' account until resolution of the finances.

I would be willing to text you as "anonymous colleague" so you have proof of these texts to back it up, mess with his head.

Yes, perhaps - and if so, I would also support Option 3 - but I also thought it worth pointing out that she doesn't have to bring the fire (or absorb the costs) if she would rather just up-sticks and leave. Divorce can be quite simple these days. I was married for 20 years and it was very straightforward since we both recognised that the marriage was over, no fault. If HE brings the fire, its a different story and yes, get all your ammunition in place. I just think it is always worth trying the easy route first!

UPDATE: he’s confessed

Just when I was about to instruct Option 3 solicitor and start filling out the online form ready to file next week…I come home and he’s GREY.

Said he’s really messed up at work, he’s over promised something to someone (OW) and she’s really pissed off.

or in other words, they’ve had a massive row, so he’s crawling back. I had to really push him to get him to confess, but he did eventually. Insisted they never slept together IRL (they would’ve only had one opportunity due to the distance, but I’m still not sure I believe him) but admitted the emotional affair / wanking and that he’d got far too close to her. Absolutely shat himself when I told him I’d been seeing solicitors, and started crying and begging and saying he had nothing left and was going to kill himself.

Naturally I have wanted him dead multiple times in the last few days but I don’t ACTUALLY want him dead, so talking him off that metaphorical cliff has rather distracted me in the last 24 hours.

It’s weird though. I can’t remember if I said it here or not, but it was like a switch flipped last autumn (after he first crossed the line with OW) and he became this cold, distant, liar. It flipped back yesterday. We laughed together, gallows humour, for the first time in ages. He said kind, loving things. He properly cuddled me, something I’ve been starving for all year. But I’m very wary that it could all just be another manipulation because OW has dropped him. And actually, I made him show me his messages - he was trying to crawl back into her good books after I told him we’d be divorcing. He even told her HE’D sorted it, and he wanted to fight for her - which is exactly what he said to me.

he was panicking and the walls were caving in. But he’s begging me for a chance to reconcile.

i can’t help but think he only wants that for the kids, not for me.

hitting pause on filing plans temporarily. But this won’t be the last of it. If he reverts back to type and I find myself on eggshells at any point again, we’re done.

and he’s admitted he’d get nasty to fight for custody.

Stay strong OP. He doesn’t want you or the kids. He’ll use the kids as punishment. He’ll have another affair if this one ends. Get him out the house and keep your head clear.