DH Affair. How do I cope with family holiday?

[EmmaThompsonsTears]

New account in case outing.

I’ve just found out in the last 24 hours that my husband has been having an affair for the last 9 months at least.
2 DCs - 4 & 18m.

He doesn’t know I know. I plan to keep it that way so I can see a solicitor and sort out finances. But we leave for a family holiday tomorrow, and I feel like I’m going to explode.

How can I get through this week? Hand hold needed. Any advice welcome.

I’ve been lurking on these threads for a while and felt in my gut I was a victim of The Script. Checked his phone while he was asleep and I was right. Please help.

OP does he have tagged photos left on on Instagram? Thinking that you could avoid confrontation & any ill will in your future co-parenting relationship if she just happens to find out you're still together by seeing a holiday pic. If he has manual approval set up, it would be such a shame for him if that setting was changed.

Bloody hell, they're really love's young dream aren't they? What a gruesome pair they are. I bet your husband is thinking that he is so clever, when he's just a common or garden sleazy abusive arsehole.

He doesn't appreciate what he is throwing away.

Exactly. Men who use their kids to seduce other women are the fucking lowest of the low.

The OW must be as thick as pigshit though if she can't work out that a man with a baby/toddler must have been in an intimate relationship with the mother of his children quite recently.

OP just coming at this from a negotiation and career point of view. Make sure the solicitor you pick is someone you feel a connection with, that makes this easier for you. This is the negotiation of your life and you need to think through what is right for the DC yes but also for you as you might want to focus on your career and ambitions for a while (this helps after a divorce) Whatever asset is in the house he probably wants to keep his pension intact whilst I assume your contributions to yours went down as you took your hours down for the DC etc. I’m just saying this is all up for negotiation.

50/50 with the DC I know sounds hard but I have seen this work well. What doesn’t work well is the constant mid week swapping around etc. It also means you can focus at work really well when you have a good routine.

CAO, do not expect to co-parent well with this asshole. He has gaslighted you.
Get the CAO in place which dictates handover times etc and also ensure that this includes your ability to take the DC on holidays etc without his permission otherwise you are handing him a control point.

What you need to aim for is a divorce which is clean, financially fair, which creates equity across both houses….but also that he has no control over you and your time with the DC.

and BTW he might not want 50/50.

I dont think the fun with OW will last after our classy OP has said she knows and is leaving ....this seems like only fun for him when it is make believe and secret.......

Sending you best wishes and hugs because what a sorry tale OP - the more I read the worse your (soon to be ex) husband is portrayed.
So much great advice, especially around getting yourself ready. He may well have already moved monies so do consider the forensic accountant, negotiator and ball breaker solicitor. Better to be prepared even if things end up being unexpectedly civil.
My husband had to employ forensic accountants for work recently and he was mightily impressed with what they uncovered.
On a more personal note, the thing that stuck out for me was his outrageous and potentially damaging need to put you down and pretend you were tripping your DC. Please call anything like this out and correct him. Whilst he believes you still want to
be married to him, I would definitely insist he tells your child he was mistaken - in front of you. As others have said note down everything.
Keep your chin up and start looking after yourself too.
You all deserve better.

today went okay OP ?

It did, thanks for asking ❤️

He’s actually got food poisoning and has been ill all day. So I’ve had to manage the kids by myself - including taking them to a restaurant we’d already pre-booked for lunch.

this is the sort of activity that the PND would tell me “you can’t manage on your own” - but I did a great job and had a lovely time with them. They were so well behaved and it was lovely to eat without the atmosphere of tension that he brings with him.

then a cover of titanium came on and made me feel quite emotional. “I’m bulletproof, nothing to lose, fire away, fire away.”

never really liked that song or felt any affinity with it before now. In fact, I used to think, when he was slowly breaking my heart and spirit over the last 9 months, that none of the songs ever seemed to describe my situation. Now it’s like all of them do. It’s like the lyrics are following me around.

i won’t lie, im on a bit of a comedown from rage mountain now. Choosing the right solicitor and trying to play all my cards right feels like a really intimidating prospect all of a sudden.

Plus I want to fight to have the kids for as much time as possible - but I’m terrified of trying to make that work with life and my long commute. My role is quite niche so jobs more nearby are few and far between. Plus I kind of want to stay where I am - they know me so well, and it would be nice to have one element of “normal” to return to in this crazy situation.

Any advice or experience about the basics of divorce would be really appreciated. I’m so tired.

My advice would be...

Divorce is a marathon not a sprint. Preserve yourself and know that this is going to be like wading through shit until it's over.

Do not waste your energy on his anger. Stay zen. Know that it's him, not you.

Divorce is always a horrible business, especially when dealing with a bully who is hell bent on making you pay for daring to divorce them.

Get a GOOD divorce lawyer.

Keep your eyes on the prize - a better future for you and your children.

Know that you are not alone. Countless women have been where you are.

Reach out for support with your friends but make time to have fun moments and treat yourself well.

No advice on the divorce process but wanted to say I’m so in awe of your strength and resilience. It’s not going to be an easy year but it will be worth it for a lifetime of peace.

If you like country music I heard the song ‘I got better’ by Morgan Wallen and thought of you today.

If the house will be sold when you separate anyway, make life work for you.

Move closer to your job and reduce your commute.

It doesn’t have to obstruct his visitation, just make life easier for yourself.

The children are going to have a little bit of getting used to new routines etc, so this will just be part and parcel of that.

A change of pre-school isn’t the end of the world, just try and arrange weekend play dates with old friends (for the children mostly, but you too…).

Good luck and enjoy your holiday :)

@EmmaThompsonsTears
All the kids need is stability - ie a happier Mummy.
You can do this, xx

This would’ve been my first reaction - moving back to where we used to live before we moved last year, and where a few of my friends are (less than an hour up the road but still a trek). It was much more commutable.

My problem is school - DC1 has got into a really, really good primary school (state) which is great on paper and looks like it will suit his character beautifully too. Moving mid-year will be tricky for him, I worry about school place availability - and the best schools where we used to live are in super expensive catchment areas.

ultimately I’m happy to say that the kids’ futures are more important than my present, but I do feel a bit stuck between a rock and a hard place re: making life more convenient again. Work are also very unlikely to budge on office days - they’ve not been very flexible so far

OP, have been lurking and supporting. But two things in all of this have really hauled me up: first the whole 'oh yes, Mummy tripped you up' horrorshow and now this, the manipulation of the whole situation using YOUR CHILDREN. You are right, it is outrageous, it is beyond outrageous! I actually wish there was a law against it - not sure how you'd word such a thing mind - but it is that repulsive that even if it isn't illegal it should be.

Listen to Flowers by Miley Cyrus - it fits your situation x

I had to Google the word ‘Hawt’ and I bet he did too. It’s a very cringey word to use on another woman’s husband 🤮

Write a letter to him or write it on your notes on your phone to get it out of your body and mind then play it cool. You can do it. I’m
glad you’ve realised while you’re still young. Id also be tempted to turn his phone off and hide it then deny anything. Keep it hidden until you get home. Make sure you have boarding passes etc though. You can plan your escape from a sun lounger.

Make sure you phone someone you trust as you can’t hold this in. You’ll be ok.xx

One thing at a time op. I worked and had a long commute, but you just get on with it.

My dc went to breakfast and after school clubs and they loved it. I think sometimes you and build it all up in your head. Plus you don’t know how your dh will react or what will happen with the house. You might be in a position to buy him out. I dangled cash in front my my cheating ex and he was greedy and wanted it for him and the ow he took it and signed the house over to me. Thing is, he and the ow burnt through that and she buggered off leaving him with nothing and I had the house (ok with a mortgage).

What about buying a sim and sending him a message from this unknown number just saying “does your wife know you have been having an affair for 9 months?”

Well I thought I wouldnt wish food poisoning on anyone.....turns out I was wrong!

I am not at all sorry that I cackled like a witch when I read that he has it!

I'm so sorry this is happening to you! Stay strong OP. I hope your holiday is not too painful. Do t let him get to you and stay strong xx

@EmmaThompsonsTears you're doing amazing 🤩 sounds like the lunch with the kids was great. The school thing can well seem daunting, but as a child that switched primary schools mid year, it honestly did me no harm. Friendships are fleeting and often changeable for a few years at that age anyway, having a solid foundation with you is by far more important. Children can be incredibly adaptable and resilient, particularly when their home is best set up for them and it sounds like being back closer to your work, and your friends, will provide that x

Me too. I was hoping that he would shit himself to death.

OP I commented earlier on about the practical stuff on divorce. On one of your updates you mentioned worrying about managing the kids and long commute etc.

Sounds like you are established there and if you have a trust relationship with your boss or HR I would tell them what is happening and that when you split you might need a little flexibility whilst you sort new routines etc. Work can be more supportive than you think and check the family support policies they sometimes offer counselling which might help.

You might find a childminder who can do wrap around/drop offs etc works well if you aren’t keen on the breakfast clubs.

lastly you are doing brilliantly, I know it feels overwhelming thinking about single parenting but you do more of this than you think, lunch sounded lovely!

I have been a lone parent for 15 years, worked full time etc so….I know you can do this, you sound super strong despite everything he has thrown at you.

Keep posting, we are here for you.

Thank you so much. I guess it’s inevitable to have a few wobbles isn’t it?

I actually used ChatGPT last night to find out about common custody arrangements and what child psychologists say is best for young children (minimal transitions during the week, an established routine and home base) and it looks like a straight 50/50 wouldn’t be right for my two until they’re a little bit older. So I’ll be fighting for much more custody than I initially thought. It’s intimidating being a single parent for 90% of the time - but as you said, it’s about what’s best for them. And I can do it.

also - I didn’t realise how much I was relying on him to arrange my life and tell me what I want until now. Finding a solicitor was intimidating because fundamentally, I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t know how to ask for it anymore.

since I’ve come back to work and been to therapy, I’ve slowly been coming back to life. Rebuilding my confidence. It makes me feel really proud that despite all his attempts to keep me downtrodden and in the dark, I’m breaking out.

again - thank you all so much for your help. It’s been invaluable.