Page 12 | DH Affair. How do I cope with family holiday?

EmmaThompsonsTears · 2025-06-01T14:23:45+00:00

New account in case outing. I’ve just found out in the last 24 hours that my husband has been having an affair for the last 9 months at least. 2 DCs - 4 & 18m. He doesn’t know I know. I plan to keep it that way so I can see a solicitor and sort out finances. But we leave for a family holiday tomorrow, and I feel like I’m going to explode. How can I get through this week? Hand hold needed. Any advice welcome. I’ve been lurking on these threads for a while and felt in my gut I was a victim of The Script. Checked his phone while he was asleep and I was right. Please help.

Original poster

EmmaThompsonsTears · 04/06/2025 21:17

MMMMMBacon · 04/06/2025 16:58

How was today been so far OP ? Another one silently cheering you on since finding this thread yesterday !

My only confusion though is one post you mention the affair sounding like a slow burn from their texts, with one thing leading to another after they 'met in person' which made it sound like an online app meet ? but another post you said they are colleagues? Ooh just thought of this as typing - only met in person after a while of working in the same team as she lives a distance away and therefore works in another office location or remotely from afar ? so initial meets were office VC etc .....yes ?

Thank you for cheering me on and saying so - you have no idea how much it helps!

Yep she works in another office, but he’s her superior in the same team/business line, if that makes sense. So they interact online for work on a regular basis. Then they met in person at a big all-office work do, and ended up having sex. After that work do, they took it to apps other than Teams and started calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend and declaring their love for each other. It’s actually nauseating, he’s sending her song lyrics, basic bitch instagram reels - like a lovesick puppy, except he’s a grown man.

they also started talking about how hot their mutual masturbation sessions had been. Furtive wanking at a screen. True romance.

as far as I’m aware they’ve only had one chance to meet up since the first shag last autumn, but who knows. The wanking is also cheating when it’s this personal.

OP posts:

Crikeyalmighty · 04/06/2025 21:22

@EmmaThompsonsTears well she is a classy bit on the side - NOT ! He deserves everything that’s coming to him -

OchreRaven · 04/06/2025 21:22

EmmaThompsonsTears · 04/06/2025 21:17

Thank you for cheering me on and saying so - you have no idea how much it helps!

Yep she works in another office, but he’s her superior in the same team/business line, if that makes sense. So they interact online for work on a regular basis. Then they met in person at a big all-office work do, and ended up having sex. After that work do, they took it to apps other than Teams and started calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend and declaring their love for each other. It’s actually nauseating, he’s sending her song lyrics, basic bitch instagram reels - like a lovesick puppy, except he’s a grown man.

they also started talking about how hot their mutual masturbation sessions had been. Furtive wanking at a screen. True romance.

as far as I’m aware they’ve only had one chance to meet up since the first shag last autumn, but who knows. The wanking is also cheating when it’s this personal.

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Gross I bet that was lovely reading 🤢.

So what do you think they will do if they want to be together after you leave him?

Will he move to where she lives or would she move to where you live? Have they discussed it from what you read?

Hardly a relationship if they can’t see each other more than a couple of times a year!! What an idiot.

MinnieDelight · 04/06/2025 21:24

EmmaThompsonsTears · 04/06/2025 21:17

Thank you for cheering me on and saying so - you have no idea how much it helps!

Yep she works in another office, but he’s her superior in the same team/business line, if that makes sense. So they interact online for work on a regular basis. Then they met in person at a big all-office work do, and ended up having sex. After that work do, they took it to apps other than Teams and started calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend and declaring their love for each other. It’s actually nauseating, he’s sending her song lyrics, basic bitch instagram reels - like a lovesick puppy, except he’s a grown man.

they also started talking about how hot their mutual masturbation sessions had been. Furtive wanking at a screen. True romance.

as far as I’m aware they’ve only had one chance to meet up since the first shag last autumn, but who knows. The wanking is also cheating when it’s this personal.

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🤢
Get your sister / a friend to track her down on social media and share all the details with her about the wife and family life of her ‘boyfriend’ (with evidence including a link to your SM complete with carefully curated jolly family photos).

Original poster

EmmaThompsonsTears · 04/06/2025 21:25

GiantSaucepan · 04/06/2025 21:14

You’re divorcing him because he’s made your life hell for at least the past nine months. He didn’t support you when you needed him, and he’s proved himself to be both a cheat and a liar. He betrayed your wedding vows, stripped you of your personal agency, and put your health at risk. Those are the facts.

In your situation, I’d make sure he understands that this is why you’re divorcing him—and that he is 100% responsible.

You don’t need him to accept that or take responsibility—he probably never will. But you also don’t need to play any clever games that result in you having to falsely accept guilt that any of this is your fault.

From there however if the OW is not your leverage you might want to think about what else might be worth having in your back pocket, just in case you need it during settlement negotiations—whether that’s telling his workplace or something else.

And as @OchreRaven said, you can still take the moral high ground. You can tell him despite divorcing him you’re expecting him to be civil and handle this like grown-ups which means putting the children first—now and for the next 16 years.

@GiantSaucepan Your answers continue to be so on the money.

so much so that I’ve just texted my sister (she’s aware of this thread) and asked her if it’s her in disguise 😂 she said “no - cool username though”

thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for your support and advice. You’re so right. I really needed this.

OP posts:

Original poster

EmmaThompsonsTears · 04/06/2025 21:34

OchreRaven · 04/06/2025 21:22

Gross I bet that was lovely reading 🤢.

So what do you think they will do if they want to be together after you leave him?

Will he move to where she lives or would she move to where you live? Have they discussed it from what you read?

Hardly a relationship if they can’t see each other more than a couple of times a year!! What an idiot.

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My heart was HAMMERING.
also she used the word “hawt”, which is inexcusable 😂
I genuinely don’t know what they’ll do. It’s long distance enough to be deeply impractical. To be honest I think that’s why he’s got her going in the first place - it’s just fantasy isn’t it, if you only meet up IRL once a year? He’s compartmentalising.
They discussed our kids a lot and she suggested things to do with them / play ideas, and he’d send her videos of them back - which makes me so angry I can’t even say. She complimented his parenting and he expressed how much that means to him. They even talked about hybrid family names once. But its just so impractical I don’t know…we’ll see.

how DARE he involve her in our kids though. There are so many things about this that make me angry, but this one is outrageous.

I’ve had to talk myself out of making a lot of comments today, because they’re too close to the truth and he’ll know I know. But the filter is still strong. And he’s still a supreme twat.

OP posts:

MinnieDelight · 04/06/2025 21:38

EmmaThompsonsTears · 04/06/2025 21:34

My heart was HAMMERING.
also she used the word “hawt”, which is inexcusable 😂
I genuinely don’t know what they’ll do. It’s long distance enough to be deeply impractical. To be honest I think that’s why he’s got her going in the first place - it’s just fantasy isn’t it, if you only meet up IRL once a year? He’s compartmentalising.
They discussed our kids a lot and she suggested things to do with them / play ideas, and he’d send her videos of them back - which makes me so angry I can’t even say. She complimented his parenting and he expressed how much that means to him. They even talked about hybrid family names once. But its just so impractical I don’t know…we’ll see.

how DARE he involve her in our kids though. There are so many things about this that make me angry, but this one is outrageous.

I’ve had to talk myself out of making a lot of comments today, because they’re too close to the truth and he’ll know I know. But the filter is still strong. And he’s still a supreme twat.

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Maybe she’ll get an internal transfer to move to his office so they can be together. He’d probably shit himself if she did that as it sounds like long distance fantasy land stuff based on not really knowing each other.

Building intimacy together around his kids is un-fucking-forgivable. Does he mention you at all?

Original poster

EmmaThompsonsTears · 04/06/2025 21:42

MinnieDelight · 04/06/2025 21:38

Maybe she’ll get an internal transfer to move to his office so they can be together. He’d probably shit himself if she did that as it sounds like long distance fantasy land stuff based on not really knowing each other.

Building intimacy together around his kids is un-fucking-forgivable. Does he mention you at all?

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Not once. She even said there was some chick in his follower list with the same surname as him, and asked if it was his sister (it was obviously me), because he’s only allowed to hang out with other women if they’re his relatives. So god knows what he’s told her.

I also noticed while sleuthing that he’s changed me from “Wife” in his phone contacts, to my first name. Which stung :(

I mean not anymore because I’m divorcing him. But if I’d noticed that before i found out…another cruelty.

OP posts:

MinnieDelight · 04/06/2025 21:46

EmmaThompsonsTears · 04/06/2025 21:42

Not once. She even said there was some chick in his follower list with the same surname as him, and asked if it was his sister (it was obviously me), because he’s only allowed to hang out with other women if they’re his relatives. So god knows what he’s told her.

I also noticed while sleuthing that he’s changed me from “Wife” in his phone contacts, to my first name. Which stung :(

I mean not anymore because I’m divorcing him. But if I’d noticed that before i found out…another cruelty.

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OMG she doesn’t know does she? She thinks he’s some fucking wonder single Dad! You must be itching to let her know… it would be magnificent for her to find out she’s the OW and dump him herself BEFORE you dump him 😃

Original poster

EmmaThompsonsTears · 04/06/2025 21:48

MinnieDelight · 04/06/2025 21:46

OMG she doesn’t know does she? She thinks he’s some fucking wonder single Dad! You must be itching to let her know… it would be magnificent for her to find out she’s the OW and dump him herself BEFORE you dump him 😃

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I AM.

OP posts:

TheRealMrsFeltz · 04/06/2025 21:54

EmmaThompsonsTears · 04/06/2025 21:25

@GiantSaucepan Your answers continue to be so on the money.

so much so that I’ve just texted my sister (she’s aware of this thread) and asked her if it’s her in disguise 😂 she said “no - cool username though”

thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for your support and advice. You’re so right. I really needed this.

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I don’t think you’ve got much to gain by keeping this a secret, but he has got a lot to gain if you do.

BIossomtoes · 04/06/2025 21:55

You’d think she must have noticed his wedding ring - or at least the mark it’s left on his finger? She must have some suspicion surely? Anyway, she’s a distraction. I can see how tempting it is but it might be better to focus on formulating and implementing your plan to get everything lined up to end this. The sooner you start the ball rolling and start to leave this in the past the better.

Your strength and humour are inspirational. You deserve a much better life than the one you have now.

SpryCat · 04/06/2025 22:03

You will have a great life once he’s gone, you will be free to be happy, make mistakes without getting insulted and the children won’t be brought up in toxicity. X

Original poster

EmmaThompsonsTears · 04/06/2025 22:22

BIossomtoes · 04/06/2025 21:55

You’d think she must have noticed his wedding ring - or at least the mark it’s left on his finger? She must have some suspicion surely? Anyway, she’s a distraction. I can see how tempting it is but it might be better to focus on formulating and implementing your plan to get everything lined up to end this. The sooner you start the ball rolling and start to leave this in the past the better.

Your strength and humour are inspirational. You deserve a much better life than the one you have now.

He’s never worn a ring 🙄 red flags everywhere…

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Beaniebobbins · 04/06/2025 22:23

Sorry, if this has already been mentioned (not read all posts) but when you say he is her superior at work do you mean as in he has management responsibilities? Workplace relationships between a senior employee and someone they have management responsibilities is something many workplaces have policies on. From a HR point of view if I found out about this relationship and the fact that there is evidence that he is lying about his marital status to the woman then I would taking some action because it seems very imbalanced power wise.

however, I would also say that if he loses his job this could impact on your financial settlement as starting point is even split and make sure kids are provided for regardless of however twatty anyone has behaved.

hope it all goes well for you, the end of a marriage is shit isn’t it.

OchreRaven · 04/06/2025 22:30

EmmaThompsonsTears · 04/06/2025 21:48

I AM.

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You definitely need to tell her. Just not yet. Would you move across the country for a man who has lied to you and essentially ‘cheated’ on you with his wife?!

I assume from your previous post that she doesn’t like him spending time with any woman he’s not related to? Good luck with that one mate 🤪. Bunny boiler vibes.

Also when you talk about hybrid family names do you mean changing your kids surnames to include her???

Does she have kids or want them?

Honestly the more you say the more delusional this man is. He’s fucked his life for nothing.

Beenthroughit · 04/06/2025 22:33

Something a solicitor friend advised me to do-make a will cutting him out of the picture, just leaving my children, the solicitor I used knew what wording to use so he couldn't contest it. Not that I was poorly or anything but accidents happen. Also, in our case our house was jointly owned, so I had to sever the tenancy so that we were tenants in common. Now if you need to do it, the other party, in my case, my husband, does get a letter saying what has happened, so you might want to wait until you get going with the divorce before doing that
Do it from an account he won't see.
And for sure get checked for SFIs

Original poster

EmmaThompsonsTears · 04/06/2025 22:37

Beaniebobbins · 04/06/2025 22:23

Sorry, if this has already been mentioned (not read all posts) but when you say he is her superior at work do you mean as in he has management responsibilities? Workplace relationships between a senior employee and someone they have management responsibilities is something many workplaces have policies on. From a HR point of view if I found out about this relationship and the fact that there is evidence that he is lying about his marital status to the woman then I would taking some action because it seems very imbalanced power wise.

however, I would also say that if he loses his job this could impact on your financial settlement as starting point is even split and make sure kids are provided for regardless of however twatty anyone has behaved.

hope it all goes well for you, the end of a marriage is shit isn’t it.

Thank you ❤️ great to have HR perspective on this. Yes he has previously had management responsibilities for her - i dont know if he’s a direct manager now. Not sure if there was any crossover period between the two.

this is one of those cold revenge items im planning to indulge in once the divorce is finalised. Great tips from everyone there ❤️

OP posts:

BIossomtoes · 04/06/2025 22:40

Please don’t involve his employer. If he loses his job your children will suffer. I wouldn’t be telling the OW anything either, if she’s enough of an adult to have an affair with a married man she can look after herself. You owe her nothing.

Original poster

EmmaThompsonsTears · 04/06/2025 22:42

OchreRaven · 04/06/2025 22:30

You definitely need to tell her. Just not yet. Would you move across the country for a man who has lied to you and essentially ‘cheated’ on you with his wife?!

I assume from your previous post that she doesn’t like him spending time with any woman he’s not related to? Good luck with that one mate 🤪. Bunny boiler vibes.

Also when you talk about hybrid family names do you mean changing your kids surnames to include her???

Does she have kids or want them?

Honestly the more you say the more delusional this man is. He’s fucked his life for nothing.

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Exactly.
re: hybrid family names, yes - he talked about changing the dog’s name (lol) and changing OW’s name to a double barrel that included his surname.
forgot to mention that he’d have to be divorced to marry her first.
she doesn’t have kids and no immediate plans from what she said - but she’s very young. Like early 20s I think. Like still living with her parents young!
As you say, he’s fucked it over nothing. It’s just talking house because he had love goggles on.

also just had another thought about the workplace comment - I know at some point in the last year he stopped being her direct line manager. It’s entirely possible that he’s aware of policy and orchestrated that himself. For a reason.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 04/06/2025 22:51

My bet is op that by the time the divorce is finalised you won’t give a shit about the pair of them any more. Not anger or even a sense of indignation. Just indifference. That’s the aim anyway.

StartingAgainFGS · 04/06/2025 23:22

@EmmaThompsonsTears my STBXH's affair partner was similarly very young
When he moved out they continued for a while but she couldn't cope with how much he was seeing his kids (lovely). They are no longer together and he's screwed his life up for her.
Oddly satisfying even though it's so sad all round

ladycarlotta · 04/06/2025 23:24

Oh my god she's early 20s and living with her parents!!!! Then she likely has zero idea what she's getting into. She'll believe any old crap he tells her too. Not saying she has no agency at all but how pathetic of him to get involved with someone who is not on his level at all socially. Embarrassing.

CrazyGoatLady · 05/06/2025 01:32

Even more vile for him to be duping this younger colleague as well as lying to you and treating you like crap. What a prize arsehole.

Hollietree · 05/06/2025 06:39

I doubt he plans to leave for her. I bet he knows she is young and naive, has told her he is a single Dad, is cruelling spinning her a story about their future together as a family…….. just so he can get a shag every now and then, enjoy the mutual masterbation sessions🤮 and flirty texts. She’s far away and young……. perfect for him to use in the background to stroke his ego. And thinks there is no chance of you finding out.

You absolutely should play the long game. When you tell him you want a divorce - it is because he has treated you terribly, he is a disappointment of a husband, you don’t love him anymore……. Maybe even throw in that you don’t fancy him anymore and the sex wasn’t good enough 😂 That will bruise his ego!

Keep the affair as your ace card later down the road. Let’s be honest, it’s hardly going to turn into a love story between them - once she finds out he was married the whole time she will likely run. Older married man with two young children, lives far away…… hardly an exciting prize for her.