DH Affair. How do I cope with family holiday?

[EmmaThompsonsTears]

New account in case outing.

I’ve just found out in the last 24 hours that my husband has been having an affair for the last 9 months at least.
2 DCs - 4 & 18m.

He doesn’t know I know. I plan to keep it that way so I can see a solicitor and sort out finances. But we leave for a family holiday tomorrow, and I feel like I’m going to explode.

How can I get through this week? Hand hold needed. Any advice welcome.

I’ve been lurking on these threads for a while and felt in my gut I was a victim of The Script. Checked his phone while he was asleep and I was right. Please help.

💯

You're gradually turning into a beautiful butterfly! 😊

I’ve been following your thread and full of admiration for you. Well done. I used to be a family solicitor over 30 years ago and was always so admiring of the women who came to me saying I’ve had enough. You have the power of MN behind you ❤️❤️

Your description of yourself resonates so much with the way I used to be. Three young kids with a husband who was controlling everything. I wasn't allowed access to our bank account, wasn't allowed a key to the garage and the kids and I were only allowed to use one out of three toilets in the house. He knew I was unhappy, to the point of suicidal but he always told me I would never cope on my own. I had never sorted any policies out, had been told what do all my married life and I genuinely believed him.
I left as I would have killed myself. I had written my three young children letters, but what stopped me was the fact that they would have wondered why they weren't enough.
I left and have flourished. In fact, he is the one that hasn't coped, particularly with the kids, as he did nothing with them but dictate when we were together. He also has OCD and couldn't cope with the kids in his house. He realised how much I used to be a buffer between him and them, protecting him by constantly clearing up after the kids, and protecting them from him. They eventually voted with their feet and almost stopped going to his. He didn't mind as didn't really want them but didn't want to pay me to have them either.
You sound amazing and you will get through this. Imagine the weight of all that anxiety lifted from your chest. I still feel that constricting feeling whenever I am in his company even after a decade of freedom.
You will thrive without him. It will have it's challenges but having a safe, loving home with you and the children should be your main priority. Everything else will fall into place.
I feel excited for you and your future. Good luck lovely x

I have been following your thread and quietly cheering you on. I have never been in your situation fortunately, but I cared for my husband with severe dementia and gradually picked up all the responsibilities that he had in the house, before losing him and now obviously I am doing everything myself. It's quite daunting at first but you will build your confidence as you tackle problems along the way.

I moved house six months after he died and don't underestimate the stress of that, added to what you're dealing with at the moment. Perhaps give things time to settle and don't make hasty decisions when you're under so much stress already. I wish you all the best and wish I could be a fly on the wall when your husband finds out your plans!

Sorry you are going through this OP. He is an idiot and once the love goggles come off he will see what he has lost. You don't deserve any of this but build a new and happy life for you and your dc's.

I loved every other weekend because I got quality time off. Make it Friday school m to Monday school so you don’t have to see him at all.
2 things I’d say to really take into account. Your child’s primary school is not a good enough reason to stay where you are. Primary feeds into secondary school and so you are just kicking that can down the road. You have time to find a more suitable alternative so do.
Also not living too close to STBX is better for everyone. Bumping into him at the bottom of the shampoo aisle is hell.

Another story about coping alone … my beloved Aunt had never managed a repair bill, bank account, any utility bills, or made a major decision her whole life. She had anxiety issues and OCD. Then her husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. She was in a different country from her children and all alone. She figured it all out in her seventies, and she was so damn proud of herself. It made her realise, in her later years, that she was stronger and more capable than she’d ever believed of herself. Not only can you do this, but you can thrive doing it. It won’t be easy all the time, but you will be able to navigate the obstacles. You don’t need him, you just need to believe in yourself.

It seems as though he has been abusive and undermining all along. Thank God you have your sister and therapist. You will need a support system on your side. My brother is going through something similar.
My hope it all works out.

You’re about to become the head of your own little family and you need to prioritise setting yourself up in the best way possible. Wherever you have or can build a strong support network, easy access to work, and the chance to have a social life. In my view, that takes priority over a primary school place right now. If you’re well supported, your dc will be too.

So focus on building a stable foundation for yourself first, and then find the best primary school you can within those circumstances. Being over an hour from your kids when you’re at work and something goes wrong like sickness is pretty stressful so personally I’d look to minimise that! And just because a school isn’t rated “Outstanding” by Ofsted doesn’t mean it’s not a perfectly good place for your child. If you’ve got 90% residency then negotiating with his Lordship to move your dc to a different school will be easier.

It is terrifying, and I’m sure you’ve got that constant churn of anxiety—but OP, you are so, so capable. Once you’re away from him, you will fly. You just need to hold your nerve until you get there.

When you are negotiating make sure the narrative and focus is on ‘what’s best for the children’ right now rather than what ‘you want’ (and this is open to change as they grow older).

Come to him with studies and psychological reports etc that he can’t deny. Make sure he realises that his actions have led to this disruption, but they still deserve a stable home and when they are young moving from place to place is unsettling. They are not just a prop in his life that he can impress younger women with.

There is no rush to move but I agree with PP that if the burden of childcare is on you, you deserve to be near your support system and work. The children will get over any short term changes if the long term stability is better.

But I wouldn’t mention moving until he has agreed (and can’t go back) on you being the primary care giver. He can travel to see them or move closer. That’s his choice. If he decides he he only wants to see the kids if it’s on his terms and he has ‘won’ the battle then to be honest his distance (both emotionally and physically) is probably for the best as, if he continues to use his kids as a tool for manipulation, it’s better for them if he doesn’t see them much.

edited to add: those messages to the OW pretending to be a single father and using his kids as a tool to continue his affair and get what he wants is probably good evidence in court if it gets nasty that he is the type of father who weaponises his kids and pretends to be a good father whilst actively hurting them. If I was a judge I think it would show his true character! Not a lawyer so don’t know if they can actually be used but may be worth mentioning if it gets to that stage.

are you not going to tell him you know at all OP, and just go ahead and file for divorce in a few weeks ?

I am on the fence always , with the long game idea - in one sense I get how classy it , with the other extreme of course being the pick me dance - but on the other hand it is a huge strain acting like you dont know (one lady on here did it for months to keep DH in a goood mood to agree to give her the flat and move out).....and also I cant help worrying that in a way, the long game means we facilitate their affair, make it all easy for him, almost approval stamp it in a way , and start handling the logistics to enable it .....there must be a sweet spot middle

Agree with pps that moving closer to work/support network is the way to go. Even the best school in the world won't make up for a stressed out, frazzled mum. You need to make the practicalities work for you.
On a lighter note, make yourself a playlist. I found it really helped to pick me up when things got bad. Mine included: Irreplaceable - Beyoncé; Survivor - Destiny's Child; So What - Pink; We are never ever getting back together - Taylor Swift; Hit the road Jack - Ray Charles; Girl on Fire - Alicia Keys; Titanium (as you mentioned) and This is my life - Shirley Bassey.
It really helped with my mindset when he was trying to fuck me over in the divorce.
🤗

I cant help worrying that in a way, the long game means we facilitate their affair, make it all easy for him, almost approval stamp it in a way

I couldn’t disagree more. Facilitating the affair would mean carrying on with business as usual. The long game means weaponising the affair for the best possible outcome then revealing it when it’s too late for it to impact on the divorce terms. If someone is strong enough to do it - and OP certainly looks as if she is - it’s highly effective. It’s not as if the marriage is going to continue either way.

Just popping in to say how proud you should feel and how well you are doing. Can't wait for him to get his comeuppance!
Also - Stronger, Christina Aguilera was a good song for me when i found out about exH affair

A practical support network of family/friends is worth more than a primary school place. Schools don’t vary that much at primary. The main influence is what happens at home. Good secondary schools and living somewhere dc can travel independently 11+ will make life easier in the long run.

I could afford not to claim CM (wouldn’t been much anyway) and as a result dc were with me most time. I never wanted dc feel their dad only wanted them for financial reasons and know he would have wanted more contact if it had benefitted him financially. not everyone can afford not to claim but for me it was worth it and got taken into account by court in end he had not contributed.

If you can afford it and have space a live in au pair is by far the cheapest childcare option if you have a senior role. Schools or childcare near workplace can also be an option that makes life easier.

Definitely prioritise your work, income and support network - the DC will be happy anywhere if you are.

my dc were older but the first thing they commented on was how much calmer and peaceful the house was without ex in it. It’s not just you that’s walking on eggshells your dc would have grown up doing that too.

there’s a divorce board for practical advice. You will be fine you are clearly successful at work and so will be at home and managing dc solo.

Remember to give yourself a pat on the back at how far you have come in a short period of time.

Stronger (what doesn’t kill you) - Kelly Clarkson was the song I listened to on repeat when I became a single parent to older dc’s whilst also selling the house and going through a divorce.

Thank you. I’m so sorry that happened to you ❤️

I’ve had a big wobble today. Thought it would be cathartic when DH took the kids to the playground to put on some music and cry it out a bit. But I made the mistake of listening to one of our wedding songs and it’s really upset me. I don’t recognise the man I married anymore. And the lyrics to all our wedding songs made me so sad, because they all said, confidently, this was forever. We could’ve worked through anything if he hadn’t done this.

we also had another row which hasn’t helped. I’m almost feeling the ghost of the emotions I would’ve felt if I’d rowed with him before now - sadness, bewilderment about what’s gone wrong and how we got hear, fear of divorce and our relationship breaking down.

except now I know the divorce is definitely happening. And I can’t even use my trump card in the arguments. It’s so hard.

hand hold please 🥺

This too will pass. You are stronger than you know.

You entered the marriage with the best of intentions and he could have had it all. But he has thrown it away.

This is on him. Not on you.

And he is forcing a row because then you will be the bad guy leaving him, not him leaving you. That makes him feel better but shows he's just a coward and a child who isn't adult enough to tell you that he doesn't want to be with you any more.

You will get through this. You will be free. Your life and the children's lives will be better.

This is the last Friday you will ever have to be on holiday with him. Tomorrow will be the last Saturday on holiday with him. And so on.

One moment at a time.

We are here.

You've got this. ❤️💐

Remember how unhappy this truly was.

Choose your hard!

God it must be brutal. Deep breaths, have you had a chance to call your sister?? Feign a headache and get yourself up to bed, or run yourself a hot bath if you can perhaps?

you can do this.

When are u back home? Maybe the weight of the secrecy is too much and it’s time you blurted out what you know. Get it out in the open and move on making plans to sort this x

Bad, bad idea.

I'm sorry OP. Please re -read all the replies on here and stay strong. I know it's hard and you want to blurt it all out, but there has been some wonderful advice on here, truly there has, and everyone has got your back.
And don't make hasty decisions if you don't want to or if you're not ready.
Maybe you want to save your marriage, if that's the case you need to tell him what you know and go from there.

A few more days, a few more days....