DH Affair. How do I cope with family holiday?

[EmmaThompsonsTears]

New account in case outing.

I’ve just found out in the last 24 hours that my husband has been having an affair for the last 9 months at least.
2 DCs - 4 & 18m.

He doesn’t know I know. I plan to keep it that way so I can see a solicitor and sort out finances. But we leave for a family holiday tomorrow, and I feel like I’m going to explode.

How can I get through this week? Hand hold needed. Any advice welcome.

I’ve been lurking on these threads for a while and felt in my gut I was a victim of The Script. Checked his phone while he was asleep and I was right. Please help.

OP your story about the "tripping up" incident worries me. This is the kind of man who week go in for parental alienation just to get at you regardless of the negative impact on his kids. I think you should really push for majority of the residence and him EOW /1 night in the week type set up to protect your kids from his nasty manipulative side. Him having the new shiny OW could work in you favour here as he might want to maximise his kid free time for that.

Good luck!

I admire your strength in all this. You're really doing great.

Remember he'll be in your life for many years to come with coparenting. So much will be out of your control when it comes to the kids and the way he parents, but try and agree that the kids are a priority.

It's awful how he's been gaslighting you and I don't use that word flippantly.

He knows he's the problem here, but prefers to treat you so badly, so that you pull the plug. In his head, he's rewritten your relationship and you're the villan. He's a coward.

You're a very smart woman. Stay strong.

There's someone who was on MN..might still be. She discovered her husband's affair and didn't tell him. She was sure she wanted a divorce and she told him she was no longer sexually attracted to him, so divorce was the next step.

She said he was in shock and she never did tell him the real reason. It made him coperate with the proceedings and of course, his ego wouldn't have him tell anyone the reason she wanted to split.

PLEASE don't make any plans (work, childcare etc) which depend on him taking the kids 50/50. He might seem like a great father now but there is absolutely nothing stopping him from either having the kids only when it doesn't help you (work, etc) or not having them at all. My XH swore he was going for full custody, moved away and saw his five kids once a year, if that. And he just didn't pay the CMS that he was supposed to, so left me with a tiny tiny income (I worked in a school because I couldn't afford the holiday care for five under 10s) and no help at all.

You cannot rely on 50/50, if they decide to start a new life.

You've lurked on here, so know you're not alone. It may be difficult to duck out, but just go into the role of actor, with the reward being that you are now securing your future. Gather evidence of everything, the affair, the finances everything.
You can't help the card of hands you've been dealt but you can decide how to play it and you now have control.
It'll be hard to play along, but if you have no alternative then see it as part of the plan. Give your wee ones a lovely time and plan his downfall
Sending hugs

That is awful. How can a man swan off and leave 5 children with a mother who will struggle so hard with lower income? You are brilliant to have coped with it.

So sorry to hear about what you are going through. You are being super strong, it is the right thing to do to prioritise yours/your children's future. I would advise you to try not to get drawn in in tit for tat arguments etc as it will only increase both of your legal fees, reducing the money available to you both.

Regarding division of assets, starting point is 50/50 but there can be a departure from that to meet need. For example, if one of you earns considerably more and therefore has a larger mortgage capacity, and the other does not have sufficient mortgage capacity to rehouse unless they have more than half of the capital, that person may receive more than 50%.

In terms of child maintenance this is governed by the child maintenance service. No maintenance is usually payable for equal shared care (unless one of you is providing substantially more care you may have a claim under Schedule 1 of the Children Act 1989). If it is not going to be 50/50 it is calculated in terms of nights. There is an online calculator you can use.

You may be entitled to spousal maintenance (or vice versa) if you do not have sufficient income to meet your needs and your ex has surplus income. This is usually paid for a period to allow you to become self-sufficient (for example, by the time your youngest child goes to school, you could work full time if you are not already).

Pensions are divided to provide both parties with equal retirement income. This is calculated by a pension expert.

He seems like a total narcissist, feel for you and the children!

Im torn between 50/50 split being the just and fair thing to do, and the fact that cheating on me when our youngest was 9 months old and I was in the depths of PNA/PND wasn’t just or fair in any way. And he should pay for that.

it's not about who should pay but more about what's best for the children

Arguably it is not in the children's best interests for dad to have them half of the time given OPs disclosures about his behaviour

@EmmaThompsonsTears you are running on adrenalin and in shock at the moment.
At some point, reality will hit and you will crash. Be prepared for this. You'll need to grieve. Lean on your friends and family. This is part of the process.
It's very possible your H will be a complete cunt about the divorce. He's already gaslighting your kids (unbelievable! 🤬) and yourself.
Be prepared for a long process. Look after your wellbeing so you can keep going.
Don't go down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out why he does what he does. That way madness lies. Focus on the kids and yourself.
People who are used to getting what they want turn very nasty when that changes.
You sound amazing but forewarned is forearmed.
The best revenge is a life well lived.

OP
Start with working out how you see you and your kids’ lives working post divorce, realistically. Particularly how you will manage work and childcare. Think through scenarios - what might happen to your commute or commitments if you lose or change your job - what future schools do you want the kids to go to and how will they get there - do you need to stay close to family for help - what rooms will the children need when they get a bit older etc

When you have a clear picture of all that you can draw up your negotiating strategies for what you want/need ideally and what you could settle for without leaving you all in an impossible situation now and/or in a few years.

I say strategies plural because you can’t assume what soon-to-be XH wants yet in terms of shared care. His kneejerk reaction might be to demand X but after he’s thought about his own situation, talked to the OW and taken some legal advice of his own he may decide he wants Y. What you don’t want to do is base all your approaches and plans on an assumption that might not be true.

If it helps, I always assumed my ex would want shared care of some kind but when offered, he actually refused. For him, not wanting to be tied down to any regular commitment of time was his first priority, and that had a financial value to him. The downside to this for me (apart from the pressure of holding down a full time job and looking after a small child on my own) was that without shared care he never got a sense of how much DS really cost - the tangible costs like huge nursery fees, the babysitting, after school care, school uniforms, the constant new shoes when feet grew, the birthday parties and school trips but also the intangible costs on my career and earning power because I couldn’t do after hours drinking, last minute meetings, or overseas trips. I kept every receipt for two years but he never looked at them and eventually told me to stop. Then a bit later on he wanted to reduce child support (which he reframed as “money you take off me”) although I was still doing 100% of the care. But that’s a whole other story.

Fucking bastard! Never ceases to amaze me how low these arseholes will stoop.
You are a warrior woman! 💐

Do you really think that this wonderful man is going to do what is best for the kids? It looks as though he is starting parental alienation already, even though they haven't split up yet.

'We were walking along - him walking ahead, me wearing the changing bag and pushing the 18m old in the pushchair, 4yo DC bumbling along behind us. 4yo DC came up from behind, walked into the back of me and fell over. DH immediately turned back and started criticising (“why did you do that?”) scooped up 4yo DC and told him “mummy tripped you up didn’t she?” multiple times.'

Just to say, my MIL never took sides because we never asked her to.

She knew he'd cheated, she was disappointed. I never talked about it with her.

She and I continued to have a solid, loving relationship until she died ( at 63 - too early).

Backbone is an incredible song, it’s on my running soundtrack.
You’re incredible. What a weak spineless shit bag. All power to you OP. He’s got it coming.

I think I’ve shared this story on here before about my lovely neighbour but relevant here too @EmmaThompsonsTears

She’s the kindest most unassuming woman you could hope to meet. She found out her DH had been having an affair with a junior team member for 3 years. She spent 2 months forensically gathering evidence of the affair, getting copies of all paperwork, got the house valued, decided what she’d want for child arrangements etc and agreed with her solicitor what she felt the best settlement for her & dc would be. She then hired a negotiation expert (who used to be a hostage negotiator turned trainer!) to help her plan how to go into the mediation to negotiate what she wanted in the settlement.

She then filed for divorce but didn’t mention OW, tried to keep it all amicable which she largely succeeded in. It was a masterclass in making him think he’d got the upper hand and priding themselves on an amicable ‘uncoupling’. So much so that they agreed to send a mutual email to close friends and family telling them their news once she’d locked him down in the divorce negotiations. They drafted it together but before she sent it, without his knowledge, she slightly tweaked it to make it clear he’d cheated with his junior colleague. I can’t recall the exact wording but something along the lines of ‘we’ve conducted our 15 year marriage with love and respect
however, we have mutually decided to end our marriage due to Graham’s 3 year affair with his colleague’.

As agreed the email went to friends and family but she also copied in the OW and his boss. So he only found out she knew about the OW at the same time his mum, his boss and his mistress (and the mistress didn’t know he was still with his wife…).

She’s living her best life now having got exactly what she wanted in the settlement and having controlled the narrative about what he did.

You are giving off similarly powerful, brave and smart vibes Op, I wish you the very best.

Masterpiece 👏🏻

How was today been so far OP ? Another one silently cheering you on since finding this thread yesterday !

My only confusion though is one post you mention the affair sounding like a slow burn from their texts, with one thing leading to another after they 'met in person' which made it sound like an online app meet ? but another post you said they are colleagues? Ooh just thought of this as typing - only met in person after a while of working in the same team as she lives a distance away and therefore works in another office location or remotely from afar ? so initial meets were office VC etc .....yes ?

There is a lot about your posts that I can relate to.
You are doing great and stay strong.

I still have a good relationship with my PIL. They help me out with the DC and I help them out occasionally. I think this depends on both sides but we always got on, we live close by and I didn’t talk to them about the affair or separation (other than a few brief things early on). So don’t assume that that relationship will break down as it doesn’t have to.

The killing with kindness thing doesn’t just have to be on the holiday. If you can manage it, I think being normal rather than revengeful means you are more like to get your way with things. Coparenting & monthly financial support (if you are entitled to it) is for a long time (unless he goes awol) & the smoother the communication the easier your life will be. Also, he can’t then say you’ve done this and that which he can try to spin to make you look bad (even if it is justified).

Its worth remembering that you can’t force a parent to look after a child & that you might want a bit of flexibility around who has DC when & you are more likely to get that if you are getting on ok. Also that there are ways of trying to force a parent to pay child support but there are issues and many try to get out of it. So again trying to maintain a good relationship may help you financially longer term.

re OW, I totally get you wanting to contact her but I feel that she must know he’s married so she must realise that he’s lying to you. If she’s prepared to be with someone that is happy to sneak around behind someone’s back then she’s probably not going to be too bothered about what you have to say & may even think you aren’t being truthful.

re big house and playroom, it will be nice to have a fresh start and not have the higher bills that come with a larger house. Plus there is one less person in the house too so you don’t need so much room. I do appreciate moving will be disruptive with everything else going on.

Keep going, one day at a time, one step at a time and you will get through this and onto a better time.

Yes it gets easier.. in the end. I wasn't in love when we split. Your circumstances are different so I imagine the pain will be different. But definitely play the long game

@EmmaThompsonsTearsim so sorry you’re going through this.

I suggest you feign a UTI. That way you can escape to the toilet a billion times a day.

Well done for not punching him in the face.

This is actually genius. Bravo to your friend. The more I sit on this, the more I’m coming around to this way of thinking.
We’ve established that he’s very unreasonable, and will justify anything in his head. I’ve come down off the thrilling idea of telling his mum, and decided to hand him his phone and make him do it himself after I confront him (that way I can listen in haha).

but at the same time…he’s already decided I’m the villain. He genuinely has deluded himself that that’s the case. So in any negotiation, he’ll expect me to cede more ground to him at every turn - because I asked for the divorce. I gave up.
Putting it numerically - it’s 50/50 culpability if he doesn’t know I know (and in his head it’s 100% me). But if he knows I know, it’s 100% on him. Because there’s no justification for what he’s done. Nothing I’ve done could have ever justified it. And I won’t budge on that, ever. So every point he would have previously expected me to cede - and I may have ceded, as a people pleaser - that will be my answer. And it’s unarguable.
im not sure I’m willing to give up that weapon. But I see so many benefits in what your friend did. So now I’m conflicted.
but it’s a good conflict, because it’s great advice!

My h could never make right what he's done so I said he had to apologise financially. I got more than half the house, some money and all the kids 😄.

@EmmaThompsonsTears you are doing fabulously!

I think you need to separate things into two areas:

1. Ending the marriage and getting what you and your children need.
2. Letting people know how badly he has behaved.

Number 1 is all objectivity and head over heart. His behaviour only serves to harden your resolve to do what's best. Your solicitor will advise on the merits of the split of money and contact.

Number 2 is subjectivity and letting your heart show everyone how hurt your are and how badly he has behaved.

Working out what you want and when is all 1.
Telling everyone is 2.
The example given of the mutual statement where the wife added the detail of the affair is a perfect example of how to do this.

You may have to wait before you get to tell everyone how he has hurt you. But revenge is a dish best served cold. Maximum impact, minimum repercussions.

Also make sure any arrangements about the children are legally agreed, preferably by court order. There has been a thread about a woman whose husband is refusing to return the children and the police won't intervene because there is no court order, just a mutual agreement.

You’re divorcing him because he’s made your life hell for at least the past nine months. He didn’t support you when you needed him, and he’s proved himself to be both a cheat and a liar. He betrayed your wedding vows, stripped you of your personal agency, and put your health at risk. Those are the facts.

In your situation, I’d make sure he understands that this is why you’re divorcing him—and that he is 100% responsible.

You don’t need him to accept that or take responsibility—he probably never will. But you also don’t need to play any clever games that result in you having to falsely accept guilt that any of this is your fault.

From there however if the OW is not your leverage you might want to think about what else might be worth having in your back pocket, just in case you need it during settlement negotiations—whether that’s telling his workplace or something else.

And as @OchreRaven said, you can still take the moral high ground. You can tell him despite divorcing him you’re expecting him to be civil and handle this like grown-ups which means putting the children first—now and for the next 16 years.