Husband wants to leave me after finding out I'm pregnant with our second baby

[ThatDreamyDolphin]

I am in a crisis. My husband of 8 years (together 11, known each other for 21) has instructed a trial separation. He has made it clear he wants a final separation at the moment with the way he's feeling. He fell into a depression while I was pregnant with our first daughter, now nearly 6. This was rooted in a job loss that left him unemployed for 2 months and then starting a new job when I was 8 months pregnant. His jobs felt insecure and we were worried about money. He then struggled to bond with our daughter because he said he felt redundant, that she only wanted me. Then when she was 6 months old lockdown hit and both of us were made redundant. His industry (travel sales) had no jobs at all. He ended up doing a course and we really struggled financially which took a toll on our relationship on top of sleep deprivation.

But after the year's course he found a good job again (as had I in the meantime after my maternity) and our jobs have felt so much better and more secure as time has gone on. Also he has a fantastic bond with our daughter now, since she's been about 1.5/2. I had always wanted two. He had always said "one or two". When our daughter reached about 2 and things felt better I started to talk about TTC. He kept saying "in 6 months" "at Christmas" "in the spring" "when our finances are a bit better". We talked a lot and he realised how much this meant to me and I tried to talk about ways we could support him. He was worried about getting depressed again. After about 2 years, he accepted that we start to try. We tried for over a year in total with a miscarriage in between. Then I suggested IVF as a last attempt. He signed all the paperwork and did his part. It worked. I found out 4 weeks ago that I am pregnant. I knew he would struggle a bit but his reaction has been frightening. It started off as cold and distant, totally refusing to talk. His anger towards me got worse and worse. A few days ago we were supposed to be going on a short camping trip with friends, but he asked to miss the first night to go to a festival to release what was in his head. He let out daughter down to do this as she had been promised a family camping trip. When he returned, he was as cold as ice. He told me we are done and it's over. Really really angry at me. I tried to plead with him to work through this together, that I didn't realise his depression would come back in such force. I thought having therapy and support would be enough and these things had already been lined up to be ready. I know we should have had some more honest conversations in the past, but I now feel so hopeless and vulnerable that I'm now pregnant and he's leaving. Financially now it is such a worry and also the worry of being alone, losing my daughter for part of the week, moving house, and just heart broken as I really love him. He refuses to go to any counselling which I feel is so awful considering we've a lot to lose. I'm not sure what to do. He is blaming me for his depression, his problems, our relationship problems, and I have internalised this at times. But I don't believe at the core the depression is to do with me. It was never dealt with it was just ignored, despite me always trying to get him to talk to people and to get counselling in the past. He is an avoidant type. I feel so powerless to stop him from making such a huge decision when he's in this place and I'm finding it all really hard. He's totally shut off from me and it really hurts as well as all the practical worries and our daughter.

I'm not sure what to make of this situation.

It seems he clearly didn’t want another baby if he was constantly saying in 6 months time. You said he realised how much it meant to you but you don’t mention him saying he wanted another child. The thing with depression is that once you overcome it doesn’t mean it won’t come back. If he doesn’t want to stay or seek therapy then you can’t really force him. I would start sorting stuff out now. He may realise this is actually what he wants or he may not.

His behaviour is disgusting. This wasn’t an accident… you had IVF with his full consent. He should be ashamed to treat you so evilly.

I suggest you read it again.

Did you post about this after finding out you are pregnant, worried about telling him? Some of the specifics ring a strangely familiar bell!

If it is the same poster, I’m so sorry your worst fears came true about telling him.

I know this is hard, he signed the paperwork for the IVF etc, he should have used his words and told you how he was feeling about having another child so you could have chosen to either continue as a one child family, or separate to allow you to look for a relationship (or pursue ivf on your own) that you could have another baby in. Instead, he took away your choice over going ahead with a pregnancy knowing it would be as a single mother. It’s beyond selfish and cruel. I suspect he hoped you wouldn’t get pregnant and then he wouldn’t need to have this conversation.

You and your children deserve better, but you cannot change him, only your expectations of him. So start to plan for yourselves now. Consider getting divorced before the baby arrives and think very, very carefully about naming him on the birth certificate. That might sound awful, but why should he be entitled to any sort of automatic rights when he can walk away this easily? If he wants them, make him bloody well fight and show he wants them.

Start to think about you and your children from now on. Put yourselves first at every opportunity because he clearly won’t.

good luck.

Do you think he could have met someone else OP? I don’t know why but it sounds a lot like “the script” to me.

Suddenly cold and distant, blames you for all the problems.

Attends a random event at short notice.

letting your DD down when he’s usually a good dad…

It’s got lots of the signs unfortunately.

I would tell him to go then, and you seek legal advice immediately.

He seems to be calling a lot of the shots here. After reading your post I think it’s time to start making your own plans and surrounding yourself with people that are supportive. As much as you wish things to be different, I think realistically you need to be planning for a future without him. Stop accepting his cold nastiness.

Let him go, work on your own and your daughter’s health and happiness. You can’t be dealing with someone who treats you like that, and have the stress whilst your pregnant or a new mum. He is an adult and needs to work on his own issues.

This is a really sad situation. My assumption would be he was hoping the IVF would fail and now he's scared it hasn't. I can't blame him for not wanting a baby based on what happened last time and I'm not sure it was fair to pressure him into that.

Call his bluff.

Tell him to pack his bags.

Then see a solicitor.

Read the OP again.

This is awful and I agree with the comment about the script, could there be someone else? Even if not, I couldn’t trust him emotionally again so I wouldn’t be trying to save the marriage. Sorry you’re going through this.

So sorry you’re going through this. What a pathetic spineless twat your DH is. He agreed to IVF, it’s not as if this were an accidental or surprise baby. If he felt this strongly he should have used his big boy words before agreeing to TTC and certainly before IVF, that way you could have figured out together whether to stay together with one child or you could have left to have another alone/with someone else.

That's my interpretation of the situation? I would suggest counselling but he's not keen it can't be forced. He's clearly having some kind of mental breakdown or as others have suggested an affair? He may be bipolar and not depressed. He does not sound like a man who was keen on a second baby.

It’s mine too @justmeandmyselfandi but evidently we’re wrong 🤣. He sounds like a man who never wanted another child but was too spineless to say so.

Wow, it's all about him isn't it. What a pathetic 'man'.

I agree. The constant kicking the can down the road - he obviously didn't want another child, and now it's happening, he wants out.

Firstly really sorry you are going through this OP. From my limited experience of depression (having it and living with someone who had it) I find him being cold and angry quite an unusual reaction. I would put yourself and your daughter (and the baby) first moving forward and try to get support from family and friends.

Out of interest how did he react during your previous pregnancy?

Tell him to pack his stuff, and go! You deserve so much better than that! You'll be absolutely fine, after the initial upheaval. If not, better off!

He’s not very good at taking responsibility for his own reactions to life. He should be seeking help immediately not blaming you.

hold your head high and surround yourself with friends. Give him space but he can’t treat his daughter as he treats you and he may find he looses her too. Tell him he must seek professional help. You are clearly extremely resilient- I know it doesn’t feel like it at all right now but you can do this. he may realise what he’s loosing but I’m not sure a lifetime with this man is healthy for you or your daughter tbh. His depression sounds more than depression.

I agree. It’s not sounding like depression to me

80% of the blame on him for being spineless and horrible.

20% of the blame on you, because I suspect that you knew all along that he didn't want it, and was just doing it to please you. Of course that leads to huge resentment. You should expect that.

I say that because I'm in a similar situation. I want another child.. my partner doesn't, for medical reasons. I know 100% that if I kept pushing, I'd get my way. But then there would be resentment in my that could (as in your case) be disastrous.

Would there be resentment from me and you about not having a second baby? Of course.. but that is far easier to manage especially if you already have one, then trying to deal with the stress of a child, mixed in with the resentment of one party not wanting the child. Especially when you add in physical or mental health issues on top.

Sadly I went through something very similar. After multiple losses and 5 rounds of IVF it finally worked. Pregnant with twins and husband of over 10 years (together 20) changed overnight….he walked out one day when they were newborns and that was it. Said he never expected IVF to work and wasn’t what he wanted.

My advice….let him go. He will only drag you and your children down. You are far far stronger than you can ever know and you can do this without him

Hi Op. sorry you are going through this. This sounds very similar to what I went through. We didn’t go through IVF for our 2nd but we were actively TTC. Our DD was 2 and our relationship really suffered after she was born (she was a v tricky baby and only wanted me - plus all the usual difficulties and adjustments a first baby brings).

He had been cold and distant for a while and then I found out he had been seeing someone for about a month. He left and in my case I found out I was pregnant the week after he left.

it was hands down the hardest part of my life. I’ll be honest and say that I went to the doctors with the intention of not going through with the pregnancy as I just didn’t think I could cope. She told me to go away and think about my decision. Something shifted over those 2 weeks and despite being on the floor, I started to realise that something positive could come out of all of the mess and hurt. I’ll be forever grateful to
that doctor as my DS is now 15! My 2 best friends were my birthing partners and were way more help than he was with my first.

it’s been very hard at times and it’s difficult going through a pregnancy at the most stressful time of your life. I was so worried that my stress would affect the baby- but he’s the most chilled person ever. Way more so than my DD with whom I had a great pregnancy.

surround yourself with friends, try and see some positives (a new baby , a sibling), see a solicitor (I took a friend - I sat there sobbing, she did all the talking) and just know that although it’s incredibly hard and everything feels very painful right now - you are stronger than you think and you CAN do this.

I know 3 people diagnosed with bp. Two do not behave like this. They have children. The other was abusive like this. He’s now an ex and even has a restraining order against him not to see one of his children as he couldn’t cope with her medical problem and behaviour towards her and her mother when growing up was awful. She’s been badly affected by him. He was great with the first child. She’s uni age and studied psychology and decided he had a personality disorder and wants nothing to do with him.

He did go along with trying for a baby but be honest with yourself, even if not with us, did you know that he didn’t really want another child? Was it something that he felt he had to do for you and now he’s dreading it. That’s why he is cold and angry.

He is not fair to blame you because couples have disagreements over second children all the time and the person who doesn’t want one has to be firm. He’s been weak and now you’re both paying the price.

He actually sounds a nightmare to live with and you might not think it now but you may find life easier without him.

He’ll probably insist on the separation whilst your pregnant and then doing sleepless nights but then miraculously want to reconcile in a couple of years when the hardest work is done.

Embrace the separation.