Husband wants to leave me after finding out I'm pregnant with our second baby

[ThatDreamyDolphin]

I am in a crisis. My husband of 8 years (together 11, known each other for 21) has instructed a trial separation. He has made it clear he wants a final separation at the moment with the way he's feeling. He fell into a depression while I was pregnant with our first daughter, now nearly 6. This was rooted in a job loss that left him unemployed for 2 months and then starting a new job when I was 8 months pregnant. His jobs felt insecure and we were worried about money. He then struggled to bond with our daughter because he said he felt redundant, that she only wanted me. Then when she was 6 months old lockdown hit and both of us were made redundant. His industry (travel sales) had no jobs at all. He ended up doing a course and we really struggled financially which took a toll on our relationship on top of sleep deprivation.

But after the year's course he found a good job again (as had I in the meantime after my maternity) and our jobs have felt so much better and more secure as time has gone on. Also he has a fantastic bond with our daughter now, since she's been about 1.5/2. I had always wanted two. He had always said "one or two". When our daughter reached about 2 and things felt better I started to talk about TTC. He kept saying "in 6 months" "at Christmas" "in the spring" "when our finances are a bit better". We talked a lot and he realised how much this meant to me and I tried to talk about ways we could support him. He was worried about getting depressed again. After about 2 years, he accepted that we start to try. We tried for over a year in total with a miscarriage in between. Then I suggested IVF as a last attempt. He signed all the paperwork and did his part. It worked. I found out 4 weeks ago that I am pregnant. I knew he would struggle a bit but his reaction has been frightening. It started off as cold and distant, totally refusing to talk. His anger towards me got worse and worse. A few days ago we were supposed to be going on a short camping trip with friends, but he asked to miss the first night to go to a festival to release what was in his head. He let out daughter down to do this as she had been promised a family camping trip. When he returned, he was as cold as ice. He told me we are done and it's over. Really really angry at me. I tried to plead with him to work through this together, that I didn't realise his depression would come back in such force. I thought having therapy and support would be enough and these things had already been lined up to be ready. I know we should have had some more honest conversations in the past, but I now feel so hopeless and vulnerable that I'm now pregnant and he's leaving. Financially now it is such a worry and also the worry of being alone, losing my daughter for part of the week, moving house, and just heart broken as I really love him. He refuses to go to any counselling which I feel is so awful considering we've a lot to lose. I'm not sure what to do. He is blaming me for his depression, his problems, our relationship problems, and I have internalised this at times. But I don't believe at the core the depression is to do with me. It was never dealt with it was just ignored, despite me always trying to get him to talk to people and to get counselling in the past. He is an avoidant type. I feel so powerless to stop him from making such a huge decision when he's in this place and I'm finding it all really hard. He's totally shut off from me and it really hurts as well as all the practical worries and our daughter.

I'm not sure what to make of this situation.

TBF there have been a few posters that seem to be blaming the OP for pushing him into a corner (and potentially excusing him?). Plus a bit of reading between the lines.

Not sure how helpful it is (or relevant to where OP finds herself now)

I’m sorry you’re going through this.
i think he has some serious childhood trauma that he can’t deal with. He is repeating behaviour he experienced in childhood.
did anyone abandon him or blame him for key life changes? Did one of his parents have despression?
the blaming is particularly indicative of a dysfunctional family and upbringing.
your daughter will be scared growing up with a father like this. He is emotionally abusive but doesn’t know it (not an excuse for his behaviour but an indication that if he isn’t even aware he’s emotionally abusive then he is a long way from accepting help).
remember the three Cs:
you didn’t Cause this trauma
You can’t Control this situation
you can’t Change him

Exactly this.
The night at the festival is very suspicious plus handy that his depression didn't stop him from heading off to that for a good time.

It doesn't sound like depression to me either, OP. I had a parent with depression and they didn't have the energy to get out of bed on bad days.

On the other hand it DOES sound like someone who expects to get all the attention all the time and has gone looking for such attention elsewhere. I wonder if his affair partner knows you're pregnant.

He could have continued to say no. No one physically forced him to go for IVF and sign the paperwork.
He’s a spineless arse hole.

This is my exact thoughts reading this OP. Sudden change of heart, acting cold and completely different person. I think he’s had his head turned and he’s shut himself off to you as someone else is occupying his brain. He’s angry at you being pregnant as it’s a spanner in the works of his new plan

I agree.

However this is terribly difficult for you and I sympathise - though I do think IVF was a bit extreme. You tried for a second, sometimes it just doesn't happen, maybe you could have accepted that. Many people only have one child and are happy, it's not the end of the world. I daresay your husband thought the IVF wouldn't work, it usually doesn't.

He is panicking and that is not surprising given his history.

Let him say and plan whatever, you don't have much choice about that anyway but do tell him that, whatever he decides, you must have a calm pregnancy so can he be a bit quieter about it for the duration. That is the least he can do, it's considerate and costs nothing.

I have a feeling he'll be OK when the baby arrives but there are no guarantees.

Both of you need a calm atmosphere at this time, make this your aim and tell him he must do the same. Counselling may help him.

Good luck - and do look after yourself physically, eat healthily. I hope your pregnancy goes smoothly.

He’s having an affair, probably long term.

The night of the festival he told the affair partner, she issued an ultimatum, either leave or we’re over, he picked the OW.

He isn’t depressed. He’s under pressure from trying to run two lives side by side

I had my son via ivf and know what a process it is, he had ample time to raise his concerns. He needs to acknowledge that he has done this with you, and process his own feelings. I know how hard it is being a parent but it's incredibly selfish to create that life and then say actually I'm breaking up this whole family.

i dont know about affair but i agree with Attention Seeking.

He's also not ignoring his depression, he's acting on it by leaving. I totally understand how he feels and jts actually very common, my own dad decided to tell my mum he didn't think he wanted a baby ... when she was 7 months pregnant with me! But whatever he now feels, he did ivf and there are so many opportunities to not do ivf, and he needs to stand by it now as he has a baby on the way.

I had PND and I think I have PTSD from it because even the thought of me getting pregnant gives me a physical reaction because I never want to be in that place again.
If I ever became pregnant it could easily lead to me having depression.

But I am taking steps to make sure I don’t become pregnant (and would terminate if I did).

If this pregnancy was a surprise to him, then I would be more understanding of his reaction.
But he knew you wanted another baby and was TTC.

Instead of saying “in 6 months” he should have been working through his issues or saying that he definitely doesn’t want another one.

But ultimately what’s done is done.
You can never forgive him for this and so the relationship is over (I wouldn’t have forgiven him the first time).

I’m sure he’ll regret his decision in a couple of years but that’s his loss.

Focus on how you’re going to make this work by getting your ducks in a row.
Don’t give him any more headspace than needed.
This is likely the last time you’ll be pregnant and you don’t want to look back and realise it was all about him, rather than you enjoying it.

I have sympathy for people who suffer with their MH but I have no sympathy for this man because he sounds like a selfish dickhead.

I agree.

Why he went to the festival is irrelevant, he isn’t being the partner you need and deserve. He should have spoken up.

Depression can make people act differently and often selfishly but is not a licence for
him to be cruel and nasty. Don’t put up with it, it isn’t your fault.

You have to look after yourself and do what is in your best interests. Take care 💐

He is so depressed he went to a festival? Then came back and said its over?
Sounds more like he wants less responsibility and more freedom.
Like many selfish parent .
First time around is nothing like now. No job loss and no covid. He is just using that as an excuse to leave . And to not admit to his real reasons. He obviously wants to be the victim when really he must know he is being being completely self centred.

If you don't want kids you say "I don't want kids." You don't go along with having them then abandon them. It's clear he is able to stand up to OP given he happily goes off to a festival when they had prior plans and is now saying he's leaving. Doesn't sound like a man who's cowed into submission. Just another useless, lazy parent

Totally. And women always think if they’ve gone along with a pregnancy, especially ivf, that they mustve a) been on board, and b) not be cheating. The absolutely opposite can be true. In fact often they have actually doubled down on their terrible behaviour by lying to their wife - saying they are committed and want ivf - and also lying to the other woman - “my marriage is over, we don’t even have sex any more”. And amazingly, it’s not that uncommon for them to have knocked up the mistress at the same time.

op, he’s a tosser and he is not depressed. He doesn’t want this marriage so let him go and stop torturing yourself. Your kids won’t thank you for it. You deserve better. Get YOURSELF to therapy. You can’t force someone else to therapy to ‘fix’ them

He sounds very me me. Sorry but I would rather do it on my own than carry another child along the way. Talking about your husband here.

Yes, exactly.
It seems he can find his voice when it suits him!
Another immature man who can't cope with the responsibility of parenting the children he had a 50% part in creating.

This I agree with. I've suffered from depression the majority of my life. Sometimes the only way I can survive getting through just one day is to shut my emotions down completely and that means shutting people out. I have absolutely nothing to give.

My thoughts exactly!
It doesn't add up.
He's an adult and needs to take responsibility for his actions and decisions in life. He cannot go about blaming you for his depression! Convenient really considering he needs a reason to 'justify' leaving you when pregnant rather than just admitting he's a lying, cheating arsehol! Careful, next he'll be gaslighting you by telling you that ' you made him do it' ..... 🙄🙄
I'm so sorry OP, this isn't your fault at all. Do every you can to protect yourself and your much wanted by you, unborn child xx

Let him go he’s selfish. Not being able to bond with your daughter because “she only wanted you”… how pathetic. I’ve heard about men like this but thankfully never met any. I don’t know how you can love him he sounds like a worm.

Seriously you, your daughter and your new baby deserve better.

It is clear as day he did not want another baby. I feel sorry for him really. I think you've acted quite selfishly

How very dare they - these so called "men" do that? Bail out just when their responsibilities will all fall on the most vulnerable. How dare they just walk away? I am raging on your behalf, and OP's. The lack of honesty, the coldness and anger about something they are jointly responsible for, and the blithe abandonment of DW and newborns. Unbelievable. it seems a generation of "men" have been brought up with no sense of responsibility and no maturity. I am so sorry this happened to you and your twins. I hope this person is well out of your life.🌺

I am sorry you are going through this. I hope you have support.

It does not sound like depression to me, he immediately went cold etc when you told him .. that’s not depression , it’s doesn’t just switch on like that.

From what you have said it’s clear he did not want another baby. You desperately did though , so you shut all the signs of that out and just maybe convinced yourself it would all be fine when you had your baby?

I know the feeling when you want another baby, it’s overwhelming - I get it. I do though time and time again see this in real life or read about it … a woman wants a baby so much , it takes over and the man goes along with it. Then the man holds resentment towards the woman. This isn’t your fault - he actively tried for a baby with you , he went for IVF with you . He hasn’t been forced into this , maybe pressured , but he’s a grown man - he could have said no. Now he’s leaving you to cope alone.

All you can do now is try to do what’s best for you and your children. You are pregnant, the baby exists and will be a part of your family. He chose it too, so do not let him hold it against you like you have done something wrong to him.

Im sure he feels ‘trapped’ and to him it’s real because he didn’t want another, maybe you should have listed a bit more to him and expected this a bit but the urge for a woman to have a baby when she wants one is overwhelming- if he had refused I imagine ultimately your relationship would have ended .

Im sorry you are in this situation and I hope you find a way through and have support .