Husband wants to leave me after finding out I'm pregnant with our second baby

[ThatDreamyDolphin]

I am in a crisis. My husband of 8 years (together 11, known each other for 21) has instructed a trial separation. He has made it clear he wants a final separation at the moment with the way he's feeling. He fell into a depression while I was pregnant with our first daughter, now nearly 6. This was rooted in a job loss that left him unemployed for 2 months and then starting a new job when I was 8 months pregnant. His jobs felt insecure and we were worried about money. He then struggled to bond with our daughter because he said he felt redundant, that she only wanted me. Then when she was 6 months old lockdown hit and both of us were made redundant. His industry (travel sales) had no jobs at all. He ended up doing a course and we really struggled financially which took a toll on our relationship on top of sleep deprivation.

But after the year's course he found a good job again (as had I in the meantime after my maternity) and our jobs have felt so much better and more secure as time has gone on. Also he has a fantastic bond with our daughter now, since she's been about 1.5/2. I had always wanted two. He had always said "one or two". When our daughter reached about 2 and things felt better I started to talk about TTC. He kept saying "in 6 months" "at Christmas" "in the spring" "when our finances are a bit better". We talked a lot and he realised how much this meant to me and I tried to talk about ways we could support him. He was worried about getting depressed again. After about 2 years, he accepted that we start to try. We tried for over a year in total with a miscarriage in between. Then I suggested IVF as a last attempt. He signed all the paperwork and did his part. It worked. I found out 4 weeks ago that I am pregnant. I knew he would struggle a bit but his reaction has been frightening. It started off as cold and distant, totally refusing to talk. His anger towards me got worse and worse. A few days ago we were supposed to be going on a short camping trip with friends, but he asked to miss the first night to go to a festival to release what was in his head. He let out daughter down to do this as she had been promised a family camping trip. When he returned, he was as cold as ice. He told me we are done and it's over. Really really angry at me. I tried to plead with him to work through this together, that I didn't realise his depression would come back in such force. I thought having therapy and support would be enough and these things had already been lined up to be ready. I know we should have had some more honest conversations in the past, but I now feel so hopeless and vulnerable that I'm now pregnant and he's leaving. Financially now it is such a worry and also the worry of being alone, losing my daughter for part of the week, moving house, and just heart broken as I really love him. He refuses to go to any counselling which I feel is so awful considering we've a lot to lose. I'm not sure what to do. He is blaming me for his depression, his problems, our relationship problems, and I have internalised this at times. But I don't believe at the core the depression is to do with me. It was never dealt with it was just ignored, despite me always trying to get him to talk to people and to get counselling in the past. He is an avoidant type. I feel so powerless to stop him from making such a huge decision when he's in this place and I'm finding it all really hard. He's totally shut off from me and it really hurts as well as all the practical worries and our daughter.

I'm not sure what to make of this situation.

I'm not sure what to make of this situation

It’s pretty clear. You wanted a second child. He didn’t. Going along with IVF for your sake by sounds of it after many conversations, doesn’t mean he wanted a 2nd child. Sounds like it was tough with DC1. Now there’s a DC2 on the way the reality and potential of going through all that again has meant he’s done. He may or may not come round.

You’ll manage, it won’t be easy but you’ll find a way through. Just a very sad situation as for now you can’t expect him to be happy with thought of 2 in same way you’d of struggled to have been content with 1.

I agree. He also let his daughter down badly over the camping trip which shows he is selfish. I think I’d make a go of this on my own, be independent, and take him to court to support OP financially. I wouldn’t want to stay married to a man like that

My DH was like this. We stayed together (still are) but he has been a passenger throughout, with me doing the heavy lifting with work and kids. I wish we had separated, tbh. Gutting and awful as this is for you the moment, he is doing you a favour in the long run by leaving - honestly.

I'm sorry this is happening especially if you've been fortunate to have successfull IVF. Take care of you.

Try not to worry about financial and co-parenting issues as I suspect in the longterm he won't want much involvement with his existing child.

Hrft but take free advice about financial b4 consulting expensive solicitors unless you've loads of money to protect.

I honestly think your life maybe better without him, let him go if that's what he wants, and do it with grace, begging him to stay won't change anything. Save your self respect to feel better about you.

' I love you and I don't want you to go, but I understand you are unhappy and can't cope with our current situation. If you need to leave, let's do it fairly and unstessfully fir our child/children.'

The feeling redundant part when they’re young strikes me as quite immature though a common thing with new dads . On top of other reactions it’s a bit of a red flag for me. He can’t see the bigger picture. Clearly has self esteem issues but reacts by getting angry and blaming others rather than taking any responsibility for how he reacts.

other men wouldn’t react like this. Throw it all back at him:

tell him you can’t stop him leaving if that’s what he really wants but he needs to work on how he reacts to life events. You agree that it’s not healthy for young children to be around a person who reacts to such things like this, with rage, nor someone who cannot seek help with his moods. Remind him that Entering into the joy and chaos of two children together is much better than on your own. But you’d rather he wasn’t there if this is how he is going to behave, for the children and your sake.

you may find this book helpful - much worse men within it to be honest but it’s helpful to recognise how well balanced men , even those with depression, act.

https://amzn.eu/d/4t3oKKv

depression is being used as an excuse for poor behaviour here. If he’s scared of being depressed again there’s lots of help for that, and you can find ways to make it work. But you are not responsible for how he handles his feelings.

If he didn’t want another child why did he sign up to IVF ? And there was a miscarriage after they had started ttc again - why did he not make his feelings clear at that point ? Not taking responsibility for yourself and then being angry at others for the situation you find yourself in is no way to go through life, depressed or not.

If he didn't want a second child then the time to split was sometime after the first, not to carry on having sex knowing that it may result in conception and then agree to IVF. Personally I wouldn't have a second child with someone who fell apart after the first one, but he does sound pretty spineless.

It doesn’t sound like depression to me either. I also think something is going on in the background, and he is blaming you. Why would he suddenly go to a festival?

He was hoping your IVF would fail. He didn’t want to be a father again, and felt pressured into agreeing and now it is too late.

You have options op, it’s very early days if you don’t think you can manage alone. Many women find they are much more capable than they realise. I am sorry this is not what you planned, but it doesn’t sound like he is the man you thought he was (by a long shot)

@Sadworld23’s phrase is probably better than mine. It’s less affronting given he’s in an unstable mental state. But I’d be internally saying the above!

Op, with the best will in the world you cannot change him or his feelings.
It’s time to concentrate on yourself, your dd and your unborn child.
He has the problem here, whether it’s depression or another women who knows? Let him go. He wants a separation - tell him to pack his bags. It starts now.
You will need all your strength, all your might and all your determination to get through this.
Do this for your dd, she needs to learn from you that a partner treats their loved one with respect, love and care. He has already let her down over the camping trip, now he’s planning on leaving her, it’s not the last time that his promise to you and his dd will be broken.

You need to dig deep. This is on him not you.
You’ve got this op.

He’s an adult. If he didn’t want 2 he should have made it clear. You have to sign a massive booklet of a consent form when doing ivf. Yes there may have been some pressure on the ops part I agree but really there is no excuse for this.

She had a miscarriage though - how did he react to finding out your were pregnant then @ThatDreamyDolphin?

I’m sorry to hear you are going through this - it’s awful.
I experienced very similar ( without the IVF) with my second child after several years of trying and a miscarriage. Ex left just after I got pregnant. I ended up getting back together with him after the birth but can see now I should have stood firm.
I may be totally off but I can’t help wondering if there is another woman. My exh had another woman. I had no idea at the time. As a pp has mentioned there are some big elements of the script in this - i wish id known about the script when i was in this situation. I wish you well.

Let him go, enjoy your baby.

Sounds like an affair OP. Either that or he had a fling at the festival. Either way, depression or not, this is cruel behaviour and you are actually better rid of him in the long term.

He sounds awful. What should be an incredibly happy time for you both has left you full of worry and distress. That is not on. You deserve better and you will find it.

Speak to your Dr and say how bad you're feeling and ask for counselling. See if your employer offers and sessions and look up single mum support groups. Talk to your counsellor about what you love about your husband so you can choose better next time.

Plenty of women raise a baby on their own initially and go on to have a happy family life.

Don't let him spoil this incredible time for you.

Depression isn’t an excuse to blow up your marriage when you find out that the IVF that you consented to and participated in, has worked. Something else is at play here.

He clearly didn’t manage/work on his depression the first time around he just waited for his situation to improve. And the pregnancy has triggered a relapse, but he’s not recognising he’s not in the same place. There’s no lockdown, you are financially secure it’s a completely different situation. You are not to blame, yes you wanted another baby but he could have said no. And nothing has changed , he has his job, his lovely relationship with his dd what he needs is to get help with his depression.
All you can do is look after yourself and your dd and try to connect with your dh , he may just need a bit of time apart to come to terms with this only time will tell. But you need to prioritise yourself.

Yet he consented to IVF?

I also agree that it doesn't sound like depression. More like resentment towards Op for whatever reasons, and lack of responsibility for himself and his behaviour.
Depression doesn't make you want to go to a festival instead of camping either.
I'd consider the possibility that he has met someone else too.
I'd definitely avoid labelling iany of his behaviour as signs of depression.

Could be about the fact you're pregnant again, if he behaved so strangely the first time round. However, with the camping trip palava, sounds extremely suspicious. He could have cleared his head at any point, presumably, so why choose to do it, when you're well out of the way...? If it was me, I'd probably have kicked him out, to go and get with whoever it is he's cheating with. As I said earlier, you deserve better, and so do your children! Good luck, you won't need it though 💪

He obviously never wanted another child, if you have to keep insisting and insisting you know the answer.

He should have just refused instead of dragging it along.

Sorry you’re going through this. As a couple of others have said, there are elements to this which sound like the script. A couple of my friends who have separated and divorced reported their partners suddenly becoming distant over night and saying they felt depressed or blaming mental health. Later down the line it transpired there was another person in the picture. Anyway, having said that, I think I would try to consider this difficult time as a chance to make some decisions to benefit yourself in 2 or 3 years time. The person you will be then. What would she say to you - what would she want you to do. Try to act in the best interests of your future self, even though it’s so hard today to see the future as a positive thing.

If I was to waste some time trying to work out what was going on in his head, I’d say he is a selfish prick who, when the attention is on someone else, pregnant wife, newborn, he feels the need to have a ‘breakdown’ and ‘depressive episode’ so the spotlight is firmly back on him. Doesn’t give a shit how hard pregnancy and childbirth is on the mother of child, doesn’t give a shit about your mental health or happiness. Selfish narcissist basically.

The short version, he is a prick, he won’t change, you deserve much better.

Let him go, he has done you a favour. When he comes at you with his issues and drama tell him to grow the fuck up, the only thing that matters now is the children and if he won’t co-parent respectfully and decently then he can do one.

As OP's baby was conceived via IVF, he would have signed all the paperwork and provided a sperm sample so he must have realised that pregnancy was a likely outcome.

He is refusing to seek help for his depression and seems perfectly OK with abandoning his pregnant wife and child.