Husband wants to leave me after finding out I'm pregnant with our second baby

[ThatDreamyDolphin]

I am in a crisis. My husband of 8 years (together 11, known each other for 21) has instructed a trial separation. He has made it clear he wants a final separation at the moment with the way he's feeling. He fell into a depression while I was pregnant with our first daughter, now nearly 6. This was rooted in a job loss that left him unemployed for 2 months and then starting a new job when I was 8 months pregnant. His jobs felt insecure and we were worried about money. He then struggled to bond with our daughter because he said he felt redundant, that she only wanted me. Then when she was 6 months old lockdown hit and both of us were made redundant. His industry (travel sales) had no jobs at all. He ended up doing a course and we really struggled financially which took a toll on our relationship on top of sleep deprivation.

But after the year's course he found a good job again (as had I in the meantime after my maternity) and our jobs have felt so much better and more secure as time has gone on. Also he has a fantastic bond with our daughter now, since she's been about 1.5/2. I had always wanted two. He had always said "one or two". When our daughter reached about 2 and things felt better I started to talk about TTC. He kept saying "in 6 months" "at Christmas" "in the spring" "when our finances are a bit better". We talked a lot and he realised how much this meant to me and I tried to talk about ways we could support him. He was worried about getting depressed again. After about 2 years, he accepted that we start to try. We tried for over a year in total with a miscarriage in between. Then I suggested IVF as a last attempt. He signed all the paperwork and did his part. It worked. I found out 4 weeks ago that I am pregnant. I knew he would struggle a bit but his reaction has been frightening. It started off as cold and distant, totally refusing to talk. His anger towards me got worse and worse. A few days ago we were supposed to be going on a short camping trip with friends, but he asked to miss the first night to go to a festival to release what was in his head. He let out daughter down to do this as she had been promised a family camping trip. When he returned, he was as cold as ice. He told me we are done and it's over. Really really angry at me. I tried to plead with him to work through this together, that I didn't realise his depression would come back in such force. I thought having therapy and support would be enough and these things had already been lined up to be ready. I know we should have had some more honest conversations in the past, but I now feel so hopeless and vulnerable that I'm now pregnant and he's leaving. Financially now it is such a worry and also the worry of being alone, losing my daughter for part of the week, moving house, and just heart broken as I really love him. He refuses to go to any counselling which I feel is so awful considering we've a lot to lose. I'm not sure what to do. He is blaming me for his depression, his problems, our relationship problems, and I have internalised this at times. But I don't believe at the core the depression is to do with me. It was never dealt with it was just ignored, despite me always trying to get him to talk to people and to get counselling in the past. He is an avoidant type. I feel so powerless to stop him from making such a huge decision when he's in this place and I'm finding it all really hard. He's totally shut off from me and it really hurts as well as all the practical worries and our daughter.

I'm not sure what to make of this situation.

Absolutely. I’ve also suffered from periods of moderately severe depression and it would lead to outbursts and shutting down. Men do also suffer from postnatal depression as well it’s been found - obvs not the same as women. Again, I’m not excusing his behaviour, but trying to be understanding. There seems to be a lot of men-bashing on here. Yes, he needs to take responsibility and be an adult, but it sounds like he could be unwell…

If he does "come round" it should be game over for him anyway. I hope OP that you don't entertain the idea of him coming back. Don't just let him go, tell him to go as he is an insufficient, inadequate excuse for a husband and father. Take control and don't allow him any more slack. Wishing you a happy pregnancy and life with your DC.

This.

I can’t believe all the posters saying he’s cheating. Have they conveniently forgotten everything he went through during the last pregnancy?

He may be unwell but that doesn't justify him seeming to blame the OP for the second pregnancy that he condoned & actively was part of - it was hardly a one night accident.
I think I would be more sympathetic if it wasn't for the whole festival incident. That doesn't really fit so well with the depressed/unwell theory.
Yes, depressed people can still go to festivals but in this context his depression/illness seems just fixated on his responsibilities and the fact that he agreed to creating a whole new person (not something to just blithely "go along" with), and now regrets it.

I think going to the festival is very relevant actually. He’s telling OP his depression has resurfaced because she’s pregnant, he can’t handle it and the marriage is over. Then he toddles off for a night at the festival, saying he wants to get his head around a few things. I’ve suffered from depression on and off for years, and a few in my circle of family and friends have too. I don’t know of anyone, including myself, who would behave like this because of it. My own suspicion is that there is another woman, at some point recently she’s given him an ultimatum and the coldness and change in behaviour is because he was deciding which way to jump. Now he’s made his decision and OP is a convenient hook on which to hang the blame.

I don't want to derail the thread but this bullshit needs to be called out.

If only we lived in a world where information on contraception and how babies are made is freely available. What rock were you living in?

A woman who suggests not using any type of contraception less than 6 months into a relationship, and you had zero idea that he main goal was pregnancy!!!!

You seem to think you had no part in this. Good grief.

DH is being a baby himself.

This post definitely needs calling out!

And the whole "man here (I know, I know)" at the beginning is bloody annoying too!

Posts that start like that always bash women, every single time.

Find your anger OP. Depressed or not, it's not OK to agree to something and then get angry at you when that something happens.

I'd be telling him he is entitled to end the relationship, I'd respect his decision, however its not OK to take anger out on you for doing something that he agreed to. His mental health is his responsibility, and whilst you will support him if you stay together, it's not fair to blame you, when he is not doing anything to help himself and didn't communicate with you about how he was feeling. You're not a mind reader or a mental health professional and you had no way of knowing how he would feel if you got pregnant. Either he knew how he'd feel, and hid it from you which is not your fault...or he had no clue how he'd feel - in which case its not your fault either for not predicting it

I know we should have had some more honest conversations in the past,#

I don't really see how you could have? He agreed to TTC, he stayed with you through a miscarriage and carried on trying, he knowingly signed up to IVF treatment. Surely all of that reasonably signalled to you that he was happy to carry on and wanted another baby? Channelling all the anger at you now is totally irrational, and he must know that. I completely agree that you need to let him know that this is not OK, and whatever his problems are, he won't resolve them by wrongly blaming you. Rather the contrary.

Are you seriously blaming OP for this? This guy is all "me, me, me". He claims to struggle with depression, but won't seek help and as a consequence he daughter is affected by this. He clearly doesn't want another, but doesn't have the backbone to say no and even agrees to IVF, clearly hoping it wouldn't work. But now that it has, he is taking his anger out on OP and his child.

This man is pathetic and has not, for one second, considered how his behavior will affect his daughter.

Absolutely pathetic.

How is this in anyway relevant to the OP?
They discussed having another baby and the husband agreed, then signed all the forms to consent to IVF.

You not using contraception and then whining on about feeling used like a big man baby rather than taking responsibility for your part in it is a totally different situation.

It's good that you feel ashamed fir resenting your son because it was shameful!

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So he made your first pregnancy all about him and the newborn period all about him instead of helping you and focusing on the baby.
Now he's making your next pregnancy all about him.
Seriously. What is it you love about this man? He sounds selfish and pathetic.

Does he also start fights on other special occasions when the attention is not on him such as your birthdays or mother's day?
. To me it sounds like it will be a blessing if he left and that your house would be calmer and nicer.

Not blaming OP at all, just stating it seemed quite obvious he wasn't keen or fit to have another child

He should have owned not wanting another child, and you shouldn't have pushed. Now there's a child on the way not wanted by both parents. Not a great start to life.

I’m so sorry you are going through this, and even sorrier for your children. He clearly didn’t want another child and was too gutless to say overtly, just hoped the ivf wouldn’t work. You probably knew this deep down but weren’t listening to the signs and pushed on. It’s done now, so you’ll need to crack on with it (which frankly it will be easier without him by the sound of it) - I hope you will all be ok.

Oh fgs. What a ridiculous use of the term evil. The situation is heartbreaking for op but there is nothing evil about the situation. He,s maybe been a bit cowardly by not being honest about his feelings and allowing the situation to progress but that does not make him evil.

No I read it like that too. I don’t think he ever wanted a second and felt pressured into it . No he shouldn't have gone along but this does happen. Unfortunately I think he is now reacting to his new reality and has reacted in a very big way.

Absolutely nothing love, I’m just not buying this “poor man” bullshit.

IVF if not a quick process. He was part of it from the off. He was actively trying for a baby, stayed through a miscarriage and then started IVF. He wasn’t depressed when he was having regular unprotected sex with his wife, or signing the IVF consent forms.

He made the OP’s first pregnancy and postpartum period all about him and his needs, and he’s now devastated his family before sodding off to a festival to “sort his head out”. Who, honestly, in the depths of a depressive episode would be able to do that?

I will eat my words if, at any point, he has sought help or support for his depression, but I would bet my house that he hasn’t, and is using it as a convenient excuse to blame the OP while walking away from his responsibilities as a husband and parent.

"Hoping your IVF would fail"... It certainly sounds like it...
But think about what it would take for someone to do that. Its not a spur of the moment thing, it would have gone on for some time

IVF isn't just a question of signing the forms.. it's the money, the time and effort , the emotional highs and lows that goes into it... it takes a while doesn't it? He could have said something at any point. Instead he agreed to it all and then sat back and watched you go through it, all the while hoping you'd fail.

Not forgetting your comment that
"He is blaming me for his depression, his problems, our relationship problems, and I have internalised this at times."

It seems like he really dislikes the OP.. the anger and the coldness.
Is the separation "instruction" because he wants her to have an abortion (after watching her go through IV too!) in the hope of staying together, or is it just his way of walking out entirely?

Utterly despicable.

But hopefully he will get support for his "depression".

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this, especially when you need to be taking care of yourself.

In contrast to most comments here, I think that his behaviour is being driven by his depression.

My husband (similar relationship timelines) had a breakdown shortly after our child (mostly my influence) was born. Up until this point we had a fairly equal dynamic but obviously the responsibilities changed and he was (understandably) unable to do everything and he felt less able to support me which he found incredibly hard. At the same time his work achievements were questioned and he felt lost / no purpose / unsure who is was anymore. He does have control issues - not in an abuse way! - that probably stemmed from his upbringing, and had done therapy in the past, however it all got too much. After some therapy, but crucially some time and antidepressants, he's much better, but there are still odd days he feels it's all pointless.

Sorry for the essay, but wanted to help with my perspective to say that I think your husband is similarly trying to take his control because he is starting to have his past feelings of inadequacy, despite likely believing that he would feel different once conceived. Really he does need to get some help to work these things through, particularly if his gut is to stay but his brain thinks there's no other way. I wonder if you can spend some time with family to relieve some pressure on you both instead of a trial separation.

Lastly I would say, it IS valid to be angry, frustrated and painful when your husband's feelings seem so stupid (to put it mildly) but it's just how he feels and he can't just "get over it" as others say. I hope you manage to work it through together.

He sounds like a massive attention seeker as a previous poster said. He couldn't cope with not being the centre of attention when your daughter was born and made it all about him. He's done you a favour, imo, because the same would happen when you and the new baby get all the attention again. Let him go and be thankful it was so easy to get rid.

When did the OP say she didn't want the baby? What a dreadful thing to say.

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