Husband wants to leave me after finding out I'm pregnant with our second baby

[ThatDreamyDolphin]

I am in a crisis. My husband of 8 years (together 11, known each other for 21) has instructed a trial separation. He has made it clear he wants a final separation at the moment with the way he's feeling. He fell into a depression while I was pregnant with our first daughter, now nearly 6. This was rooted in a job loss that left him unemployed for 2 months and then starting a new job when I was 8 months pregnant. His jobs felt insecure and we were worried about money. He then struggled to bond with our daughter because he said he felt redundant, that she only wanted me. Then when she was 6 months old lockdown hit and both of us were made redundant. His industry (travel sales) had no jobs at all. He ended up doing a course and we really struggled financially which took a toll on our relationship on top of sleep deprivation.

But after the year's course he found a good job again (as had I in the meantime after my maternity) and our jobs have felt so much better and more secure as time has gone on. Also he has a fantastic bond with our daughter now, since she's been about 1.5/2. I had always wanted two. He had always said "one or two". When our daughter reached about 2 and things felt better I started to talk about TTC. He kept saying "in 6 months" "at Christmas" "in the spring" "when our finances are a bit better". We talked a lot and he realised how much this meant to me and I tried to talk about ways we could support him. He was worried about getting depressed again. After about 2 years, he accepted that we start to try. We tried for over a year in total with a miscarriage in between. Then I suggested IVF as a last attempt. He signed all the paperwork and did his part. It worked. I found out 4 weeks ago that I am pregnant. I knew he would struggle a bit but his reaction has been frightening. It started off as cold and distant, totally refusing to talk. His anger towards me got worse and worse. A few days ago we were supposed to be going on a short camping trip with friends, but he asked to miss the first night to go to a festival to release what was in his head. He let out daughter down to do this as she had been promised a family camping trip. When he returned, he was as cold as ice. He told me we are done and it's over. Really really angry at me. I tried to plead with him to work through this together, that I didn't realise his depression would come back in such force. I thought having therapy and support would be enough and these things had already been lined up to be ready. I know we should have had some more honest conversations in the past, but I now feel so hopeless and vulnerable that I'm now pregnant and he's leaving. Financially now it is such a worry and also the worry of being alone, losing my daughter for part of the week, moving house, and just heart broken as I really love him. He refuses to go to any counselling which I feel is so awful considering we've a lot to lose. I'm not sure what to do. He is blaming me for his depression, his problems, our relationship problems, and I have internalised this at times. But I don't believe at the core the depression is to do with me. It was never dealt with it was just ignored, despite me always trying to get him to talk to people and to get counselling in the past. He is an avoidant type. I feel so powerless to stop him from making such a huge decision when he's in this place and I'm finding it all really hard. He's totally shut off from me and it really hurts as well as all the practical worries and our daughter.

I'm not sure what to make of this situation.

What a cruel, cruel cunt he is.

Yes, I didn't mean that. I meant that the dad didn't. Wrong phrasing. I apologise, OP.

Tell him to get over it and get a job, and be a man. Some men can't handle the attention going on someone else (their child).

My point is that she needs to act on what she knows to be true. He’s treating her badly and depression does not give one a free pass to be shitty.

She may never get to the truth of what happened at the event, if anything. It isn’t worth the angst.

I don’t need to, that is my view, and others it would seem. I don’t think his behaviour is acceptable at all but sometimes you only see what you want to see and ignore the red flags. She said she wanted another baby- he said no, for two years he made excuses saying in another six months etc. She said after about two years, he accepted that we try. Whilst accepted can be interpreted as giving consent is this the actions of a man that really wants another child? No. Op knew he didn’t want a child and for two years she asked and he declined. Seems as though he just got sick of saying no and was too cowardly to tell her the truth, hence his behaviour now and the situation she is in.

Agree. Very clear he didn’t want another child.

While I agree that I wouldn't personally have another child with someone who reacted so badly to the first, there is a lot of blame on him for not discussing splitting earlier, not to keep having unprotected sex or agree to IVF which really requires active consent, or else deal with the consequences. I think he is absolutely spineless.

Because he’s a coward that couldn’t tell the truth to his wife, lots of them around. Agree, but op also has to accept that she knew for two years he didn’t want another child but kept asking and probably deep down if she was honest knew he never really wanted a baby. People are in denial all the time about things, it isn’t uncommon.

I agree he is spineless. But men do this all the time. They shy away from their responsibilities hence it’s the reason that there is so much stigma and negative perception on single mothers when in reality it’s usually always the case that the father is the one that has willing left.

The percentage of IVF working on the first cycle is low, there is still a chance but low. So he probably thought it wouldn’t work. I don’t believe in anything he has done is acceptable but he clearly didn’t want a child hence the situation op is now in.

If you were excusing him agreeing to move house or getting married when he didn't really want to I would agree and perhaps even have some sympathy for him but this was him allegedly reluctantly agreeing to bring a new life into the world that he knew he didn't want!
There is no excuse for this at all.

And why should the OP have "deep down" known he didn't want it?
Perhaps she mistakenly treated him like an actual adult who wouldn't agree to something so serious if he wasn't committed to it?
People (often women) need to stop making excuses for useless men & start holding them to account. They keep behaving like this because they can!
No doubt he is having an affair and a sympathetic younger woman will soon be on.the scene to lap up his "poor me, my wife forced me to have kids I didn't want" nonsense!

Men walk away from their responsibilities all the time, have a look at the hundreds of threads on MN at women posting about their husband leaving them and their kids or leaving when pregnant. It’s not uncommon.

The red flags were there and she chose to ignore them. Now he’s buggered off leaving her, her child and unborn baby. So, yeah massive red flag.

No one is blaming op for he’s behaviour, but it’s very clear she was ignoring red flags.

No idea why you think he’s jealous of her first child. Jealous of HIS own daughter. Weird take.

Yes, so he shouldn't have had one.

I feel really sorry for your kids. Why would you choose to get pregnant by a man who is unstable- do you know how unfair it is on this baby to be tied to a “dad” like this? Honestly, people need to start taking accountability for who they procreate with!

Er - have you actually read the OP’s posts ? Clearly not, or you wouldn’t have posted this.

Exactly! She clearly knows that he is not up for it and is now surprised that he doesn’t want to be involved. He was waving those red flags right in her face. I feel really bad for the children- it is always the children who have to suffer from the poor and selfish decisions parents make!

Blaming OP for the failings of her DH isn’t helpful. MN is a snapshot of peoples’ lives. You can’t possibly know that the red flags were clearly in evidence until it was too late. Given the intensive nature of IVF treatment and the numerous opportunities for reconsideration, the fact that he went ahead would have indicated he was a willing participant. I doubt OP would have gone ahead if she thought he would abandon her if she got pregnant, when that was the whole point of the process.

You think agreeing to IVF was a red flag ?

Why on would he be jealous of his own child? He also has a job, op said that in the post. What a very weird take on the situation

So you think he participated in IVF not really thinking it would work, and that’s an acceptable reason for abandoning his wife and child now that he knows it did work and she’s pregnant ? When that’s the whole point of the process ? If that’s true, he’s not depressed, he’s a moron.

It was pretty obvious he didn't want a second child and to compound matters, he'd suffered badly with depression when they had the first. None of that would make me think it was an absolutely cracking idea to have another one. The OP did pressure him, even to the extent of having IVF. I expect he hoped to god it wouldn't work. Of course he's not faultless, far from it, but nothing (especially common sense) stands in the way of a woman who wants a baby.

Based on his history and not being able to bond with his first child- absolutely. Actions speaker louder than words. Again, it is going to be those poor children who suffer from all of this.

I’ve crossed swords with this poster before on various threads - most posts display an astonishing lack of understanding of the issues and a tendency towards personal attack.

His actions were really clear and the OP always wanted another child.