Husband wants to leave me after finding out I'm pregnant with our second baby

[ThatDreamyDolphin]

I am in a crisis. My husband of 8 years (together 11, known each other for 21) has instructed a trial separation. He has made it clear he wants a final separation at the moment with the way he's feeling. He fell into a depression while I was pregnant with our first daughter, now nearly 6. This was rooted in a job loss that left him unemployed for 2 months and then starting a new job when I was 8 months pregnant. His jobs felt insecure and we were worried about money. He then struggled to bond with our daughter because he said he felt redundant, that she only wanted me. Then when she was 6 months old lockdown hit and both of us were made redundant. His industry (travel sales) had no jobs at all. He ended up doing a course and we really struggled financially which took a toll on our relationship on top of sleep deprivation.

But after the year's course he found a good job again (as had I in the meantime after my maternity) and our jobs have felt so much better and more secure as time has gone on. Also he has a fantastic bond with our daughter now, since she's been about 1.5/2. I had always wanted two. He had always said "one or two". When our daughter reached about 2 and things felt better I started to talk about TTC. He kept saying "in 6 months" "at Christmas" "in the spring" "when our finances are a bit better". We talked a lot and he realised how much this meant to me and I tried to talk about ways we could support him. He was worried about getting depressed again. After about 2 years, he accepted that we start to try. We tried for over a year in total with a miscarriage in between. Then I suggested IVF as a last attempt. He signed all the paperwork and did his part. It worked. I found out 4 weeks ago that I am pregnant. I knew he would struggle a bit but his reaction has been frightening. It started off as cold and distant, totally refusing to talk. His anger towards me got worse and worse. A few days ago we were supposed to be going on a short camping trip with friends, but he asked to miss the first night to go to a festival to release what was in his head. He let out daughter down to do this as she had been promised a family camping trip. When he returned, he was as cold as ice. He told me we are done and it's over. Really really angry at me. I tried to plead with him to work through this together, that I didn't realise his depression would come back in such force. I thought having therapy and support would be enough and these things had already been lined up to be ready. I know we should have had some more honest conversations in the past, but I now feel so hopeless and vulnerable that I'm now pregnant and he's leaving. Financially now it is such a worry and also the worry of being alone, losing my daughter for part of the week, moving house, and just heart broken as I really love him. He refuses to go to any counselling which I feel is so awful considering we've a lot to lose. I'm not sure what to do. He is blaming me for his depression, his problems, our relationship problems, and I have internalised this at times. But I don't believe at the core the depression is to do with me. It was never dealt with it was just ignored, despite me always trying to get him to talk to people and to get counselling in the past. He is an avoidant type. I feel so powerless to stop him from making such a huge decision when he's in this place and I'm finding it all really hard. He's totally shut off from me and it really hurts as well as all the practical worries and our daughter.

I'm not sure what to make of this situation.

Well said JollyGreensleeves!

I would be surprised if he hasn't had his head turned.

Sorry to hear this. A similar thing happened to a close friend. She was desperately sad for about a year and is now getting stronger every day, bringing her kids up pretty much on her own. Whatever happens, always remember you have so much strength within.x

I agree with this.

Don't worry about things like your dd potentially spending half the week away from you, that's for the future & tbh i doubt your dh will want 50/50 care.

He might not want another child but he is equally responsible for the fact another child is on the way. This isn't the result of a drunken mistake, it was planned. He's now angry because he doesn't want it, but he is being grossly unfair to blame everything on you.

I know it's hard but keep your cool, detach, think about you & your dcs. Try and be practical rather than emotional. If he wants to leave let him go, and seek legal advice so you have an understanding of your options going forward.

Ditch him. He's not going to come round. Cut your losses, focus on yourself and your babies. Initially, do all you can to separate and divorce (don't mess around, get on with it) without coming to physical harm.

But from my limited experience of friends whose husbands left them for the OW, blaming and acting coldly and angrily in the run up was not at all unusual

So you think it was acceptable for him to ‘go along’ with the IVF, knowing all along that he didn’t want another child ? The time to step up and say ‘no’ was before OP got pregnant, not after.

He sounds like someone who will always be hard work and self pitying and you'll never be able to rely on him.
I'm sorry you've been let down so badly by this poor excuse of a husband. I hope in time you'll be able to make a life for yourself without him. Maybe with a decent reliable man.

No. That’s no acceptable at all and didn’t suggest it was. OP said she was not sure what to make of the situation. Looks clear cut. He doesn’t want a 2nd child.

Why should OP have had to evaluate that he didn’t want another child from the vague things he said?
I know plenty of people who have talked it through, as grown ups, and the decision agreed. Could he not speak? According to many of you she was meant to take full responsibility for decisions made and now he’s behaving like a real POS that’s her fault too! And I’ll bet you claim to be feminists!

OP, he is a weak pathetic man. He is selfish. He was jealous of your first child and does not prioritise her needs. You will be better off without him. Take control and move forward.

Rally your team and prepare for life as a single parent, you will manage, loads of people do.

He’s been spineless agreeing to all this when he obviously didn’t want more children. He may come round but I wouldn’t bank on it if I were you.

Focus on your daughter now and your new baby, they will get you through.

But if you see the signs why keeping pushing and pushing until the guy feel forced to agree and then blame him for “agreeing” to something he explained year after year he didn’t want to? He has been pushed against the wall over this for at least 3-4 years when he was clear he didn’t want another from the get go.

Him resenting the first one was a red flag the size of England, yet the OP didn’t give a hoot. He just had it. No point in trying to force him back.

OP, let him go. You will find the strength to cope, manage and flourish on your own. It won’t be easy, but it will be more healthy and happy than raising two kids in a household where the parents are just getting more and more resentful towards each other to the point of hating each other.

But he went along with IVF, but now has changed his mind…. That’s acceptable is it?

He has a second child on the way, that’s the case now. He has zero say in it, he made his choice previously by allowing his baby to be produced. Prior to that he made his choice by having unprotected sex, which resulted in a miscarriage.

His choices weee made and now he’s changed them. I’m not so sure this is depression.

This. 100%. For ‘depression’ read ‘another woman’ - covering up for the time it took him to decide which way to jump.

Being cold, angry at you, saying he’s depressed. The running off to a festival.

Sounds like the script…

This. Also some PPs have said you could expect him to be resentful as he was never fully on board with having a second child - but later in life, once the opportunity to have more children was gone, you would potentially have felt resentment had he been more firm about refusing to try. You may look back on this in a few years' time and be grateful both for your second child and the fact that this relationship ended when it did.

I am so sorry you are going through this. He sounds like a spineless,immature & self centred man.
He should never have agreed to IVF if he didn't want another child. That's another human being he has created with a whole life ahead of them, not just a baby. Imagine growing up unwanted by your father?

It was totally irresponsible of him to not put a stop to it and say he wanted out before it got to this stage.
I agree with others that the "depression' is a red herring and he probably has his sights set on another woman or the idea of a carefree life with someone else.

In the long run he will no doubt regret this attitude, as his baby grows up into a child then an adult, but by then it will be too late.

You are going to have to be strong to get through this but you will get through it. Lean on close friends & family as much as you can. Make sure he steps up financially.

Don't worry about the 50/50 thing, I imagine he will become an EOW kind of dad at best.

Good luck. You can do this xxx

No offense but where does he get his energy from, why do you think he's depressed and not just a spoilt brat whose guilt tripping you, he's working, you're working, what's he depressed about, the situation is completely different to the covid lock down, let him go, he'll make sure you're miserable and that's not a life for you and your children.was he furloughed?

What a valuable and relevant contribution.

Mate, I am not criticising you specifically, but can we all accept “talk to your doctor and ask for counselling” is rubbish advice in 2025. I am really fed up of this being trotted out.
Where I live, you would have to fill out an econsult, wait for a couple of days to get a response, then get a telephone consultation up to 10 days later.
You can then self refer to a video about mental health, or get on a waiting list for one-to-one which is about a year.
Plus, she doesn’t have mental health issues, she is understandably sad about her arsehole of a “partner” behaving like a dickhead, without properly warning her, that he absolutely is one.

He didn't want another child. But he was persuaded into it. But the point is he is being totally selfish and horrible which shows what kind of man he is.

This. I think the OP was so fixated on another child. I think she only cared about helping with depression as it was a barrier to her having another kid.

Do I think he’s blameless? Absolutely not, but if we’re being charitable he probably went along with things because he wanted to see the OP happy, and now he’s found his limit.

Really??
What a ridiculous post.

And totally irrelevant to the OP's situation but a chance to let us know how "devious" women are and how hard you poor men have it.

Totally agree but end of day sadly OP needs to deal with situation she has, not the one she’d like to have and too late (and tbh makes no difference) to say he shouldn’t of gone along with IVF. That’s a given.

+Only OP will know if he eventually signed all the massive paperwork but was nonplussed throughout or if he 💯 came round, got really excited and made plans meaning current situation completely unforeseen/blindsided her.

As I say though, none of that matters now. OP in a really difficult situation and sadly by looks of it will need to decide if she wants to go it alone with DH paying child support.

Is he depressed? He sounds angry, self centred and pissed off. In a sense it doesn't really matter because he's taking himself off and to be honest I would let him go.