Husband secretly chatting to SIL

[Maria123123123123]

My husband and I have been married for soon to be 10 years now. We have a 2 year old and a 5 month old. I noticed my husband started using Snapchat and was sending messages to one of his best friends who he normally talks to on watsapp every day. Naturally I was confused because he was still talking to this friend on watsapp so why he is also talking to him on snap. My husband doesnt even ever use Snapchat he made an account but never uses it. I clicked on the account and the username was that of my SILs(brothers wife). I was literally shaking why has he saved my sisters in law contact under a man's name. Unfortunately the chat is set to delete messages after viewing, so there's no way of me seeing previous messages or current convos.
The way i see it is the fact that they're being so secretive shows their intentions are not good, this includes:
Talking on Snapchat and not Watsapp as less likely for messages to be seen.
He's saved her contact under a man's name.
She changed the setting on the chat to delete after viewing (I'm assuming it was her anyway as my husband doesnt really use snap so he wouldnt knw to do that)
Also a few days after I had discovered this whole thing I noticed he had 'hidden' the Snapchat app so the icon is no longer there you have to physically search for it.
I discovered this whole thing on 16th may and the chat showed that they had a 5 day streak so I'm assuming that's how long they had been talking for.
Whenever I get the chance I check if any message has come through so I can look at it by half swiping or seeing what message he has sent( if she hadn't already opened it by then). I've managed to see snaps where it's just a pic of her in car on way to work - not a selfie but just of the road. Which fair enough is harmless. A few days in between I wasn't able to check any messages as he was working long shifts. Any chance i got i kept an eye him when hes on his phone and noticed that hes constanrly opening snapchat to see if any messges have gone through. Anyway a week later on the 25th I saw she had sent him a selfie. I mean what is she hoping to gain from sending a selfie of course she's looking for him to compliment her. I don't knw what he replied to that but I'm pretty sure he'd complimented it. He was working late so I couldn't see any more messages. Then today (26 may) I saw he has sent her a snap but obviously I couldn't see what of, but he also sent a message saying 'for you'.
My mind is going crazy I feel sick, this isn't just a normal convo they're having they're obviously flirting with each other. I can't believe they would do this to me if this was a stranger on the Internet then I'd be more forgiving but this is family it's my SIL. I've always liked my SIL, I enjoy her company.
My heart is broken. The thing is my husband and I have never had problems in our marriage we got on well, flirt with each other and out intimate regularly. We always apologise to each other if we knw we've upset the other. Overall out marriage is good. So why? Why has he done this to me. I don't want to confront him about it yet as I want to see more of their messages as i knw he will not be honest with me as to the extent of what they were chatting about. We have a family gathering coming up in approx a week and a half do I want to see how they behave in front of one another.
I don't know what the point of this post is i guess I just want some moral support and advice. Am I exaggerating or am I right to be this upset. I dnt want to talk to any friends or family about this atleast not right now. Also sorry for the super long read.

Ask him instead of sneaking random peeks at his phone which gives absolutely no context.

This is weird. But I would ask him, you have a good relationship otherwise.

I would ask why he has your SIL's name as a man's on snapchat. Also a snap streak is for pictures or videos sent daily. Not only messages. Why do they need to send pictures back and forward, do they forget what the other looks like.

Alternatively, what's your relationship like with your BIL? Could you speak to him and tell him what you have seen and ask if he knows what's going on? Don't worry about causing a family issue, they are the one that's doing this not you

Yeah, you need to ask him.
Do you use your phone to take a pic of what you could see?

What you have described is emotional cheating by your husband and SIL at a minimum. The fact they both have concealed this conversation and are deleting the history shows that they know what they are doing is wrong.

I can understand doing "reconnaissance" first to have a better understanding as to the depth of the infidelity, but at some point, you must tell your sibling about what you have discovered. And then, you must speak to your spouse.

I advocate for telling your sibling first because your husband will dissuade you from doing that with promises to end the relationship that is brewing between he and the SIL, but your sibling has every right to know what is going on.

Further, be prepared that as soon as you tell your brother, you may have to immediately have a conversation with your husband because he may not wait until you can both plan those separate conversations.

This will rock your family, and you both may be inclined to do things to minimize that, but the fact is that how this affects the broader group of family members is immaterial because trust will have been lost between two married couples, and that must be addressed.

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I hate this shit, its bad enough being a stranger.. but family!?
Id be making a group chat including all partners and asking them both outright

If they're not already having a full blown physical affair, then they're having an emotional one.

Everything you've said is a massive red flag: using Snapchat, trying to disguise her as a contact, disappearing messages, selfies etc etc. You don't go to those lengths unless there's something to hide.

Sorry OP.

Could you raise your suspicions with your brother or another family member? See if they've picked up on anything.

@babystarsandmoon @Fuzziduck @lostinmyself hi, I dnt want to ask him yet as I want to see what his intentions are. If I ask him he's just gonna lie.
I have not managed to take any pics as I need to be super quick and don't have time to do so.

Hey OP, make sure you are taking photos of everything on your phone and save it in a secret folder locked by a pin so he won't delete/ deny them.

Don't approach him about it yet, cheaters always deny and delete all the evidence.

Make sure you're gathering as much as you can and try to remain calm / normal.

Sending you big hugs x

Also quietly let your brother know as well once you've managed to take some photos / gather evidence x

Thing is if the messages are being deleted after received you won't know what's being said and you will find it draining playing detective.

I'd have it out with the pair of them.

@Fuckitydoodah @anitarielleliphe @lostinmyself okay so the thing Is my brother and his wife are having huge marital problems turns out my brother doesn't love her, hes told her hes gay and they're marriage is basically just non existent. She opened up to me a while ago and said that he's told her to leave him and move him, but she doesn't want to as she doesn't knw where to go and she hopes she will make him fall in love with her. When she opened to me I was fully sympathetic of her situation and gave her advice and whatnot.
I just dnt feel comfortable talking to my brother because he's in the wrong himself as he's cheating on her.

This I would have it out with him and text the above to his brother too so he can have it out with his wife

Just seen your update. Have it out with your husband. He’s hiding stuff and that’s not good.

Gather a bit more info, if you want.
I would talk to the brother.
I would take one of their phones and message, pretending to be the other. Send a general chit chat, like hey what are you up to? And wait for response. Preferably, in colkution with the brother.
Watching them together would be a good point too. Invite her for coffee to your home.

@wednesdayisme ur not wrong it is highly draining but I need to know how far he's gonna go.
Another thing i should mention is over the past year I've noticed him talking to random girls on fb messenger and asking for their number. Nothing has ever come of it because turns out they're fake accounts just wanting money.
So I guess he's never been successful with them that's why he's moved onto my SIL.

Just seen the update about your brother and her.
Talk to your husband.
I would not be shy, and I would take that phone and text. I know it is not good behaviour... but he is hiding her name?
If he was helping her to find a place, or something with the car, or being a friend during her marriage break up, you would know. He would tell you.

Okay. I'm not sure if you are lost in an existential crisis of your own, but to leave out that your brother is gay . . . told the sister-in-law to leave him . . . has cheated himself . . . and that your husband has already tried on multiple occasions to cheat with random women on social media . . . reads like a cheap romance novel in which the victim ("you") are clueless and infidelities are happening all around, right in her face, and she is still sitting back just being pummeled by it without acting.

It sounds like both of these marriages should have ended ages ago.

Slyly messaging your SIL, messaging girls on FB asking for their number - and you say you’ve a good marriage. You’re deluding yourself and should really be preparing yourself to leave this relationship.

the 5 day streak is a picture(s)or video(s) (not messages) sent each day for 5 days straight by both of them x

And yet “The thing is my husband and I have never had problems in our marriage we got on well, flirt with each other and out intimate regularly. We always apologise to each other if we knw we've upset the other. Overall out marriage is good.”

So which is it OP?

Well with that extra information I think you know how far he will go If he can.

Its up to you if you want to sit on this and wait i just know I couldn't.

You obviously love him but you need to love yourself more this isn't a way to live.

Dear lord. What are you asking for? Clarification he’s cheating? Well, he is or at least wants to. Get out.

I get why you’d want ‘proof’. But if he’s also asking from random women’s telephone number as well, it sounds like he’s a sleaze anyway.

it took me several weeks of snooping to find physical proof of my ex’s affair. I was glad I got it, as he completely denied everything, then would only admit to what I’d found out.

I’m not sure what more you need op? He’s trying to cheat on you with strangers on fb and now he is trying it on with your brothers wife, who is looking for revenge probably on your brother and fucking up his sisters marriage would fall into that category.

Tell him you’ve seen the snaps and the fb messages and tell him to fuck off.