Husband secretly chatting to SIL

[Maria123123123123]

My husband and I have been married for soon to be 10 years now. We have a 2 year old and a 5 month old. I noticed my husband started using Snapchat and was sending messages to one of his best friends who he normally talks to on watsapp every day. Naturally I was confused because he was still talking to this friend on watsapp so why he is also talking to him on snap. My husband doesnt even ever use Snapchat he made an account but never uses it. I clicked on the account and the username was that of my SILs(brothers wife). I was literally shaking why has he saved my sisters in law contact under a man's name. Unfortunately the chat is set to delete messages after viewing, so there's no way of me seeing previous messages or current convos.
The way i see it is the fact that they're being so secretive shows their intentions are not good, this includes:
Talking on Snapchat and not Watsapp as less likely for messages to be seen.
He's saved her contact under a man's name.
She changed the setting on the chat to delete after viewing (I'm assuming it was her anyway as my husband doesnt really use snap so he wouldnt knw to do that)
Also a few days after I had discovered this whole thing I noticed he had 'hidden' the Snapchat app so the icon is no longer there you have to physically search for it.
I discovered this whole thing on 16th may and the chat showed that they had a 5 day streak so I'm assuming that's how long they had been talking for.
Whenever I get the chance I check if any message has come through so I can look at it by half swiping or seeing what message he has sent( if she hadn't already opened it by then). I've managed to see snaps where it's just a pic of her in car on way to work - not a selfie but just of the road. Which fair enough is harmless. A few days in between I wasn't able to check any messages as he was working long shifts. Any chance i got i kept an eye him when hes on his phone and noticed that hes constanrly opening snapchat to see if any messges have gone through. Anyway a week later on the 25th I saw she had sent him a selfie. I mean what is she hoping to gain from sending a selfie of course she's looking for him to compliment her. I don't knw what he replied to that but I'm pretty sure he'd complimented it. He was working late so I couldn't see any more messages. Then today (26 may) I saw he has sent her a snap but obviously I couldn't see what of, but he also sent a message saying 'for you'.
My mind is going crazy I feel sick, this isn't just a normal convo they're having they're obviously flirting with each other. I can't believe they would do this to me if this was a stranger on the Internet then I'd be more forgiving but this is family it's my SIL. I've always liked my SIL, I enjoy her company.
My heart is broken. The thing is my husband and I have never had problems in our marriage we got on well, flirt with each other and out intimate regularly. We always apologise to each other if we knw we've upset the other. Overall out marriage is good. So why? Why has he done this to me. I don't want to confront him about it yet as I want to see more of their messages as i knw he will not be honest with me as to the extent of what they were chatting about. We have a family gathering coming up in approx a week and a half do I want to see how they behave in front of one another.
I don't know what the point of this post is i guess I just want some moral support and advice. Am I exaggerating or am I right to be this upset. I dnt want to talk to any friends or family about this atleast not right now. Also sorry for the super long read.

@Maria123123123123 first off i know you are hurting , in shock and going through a lot , but I just can’t believe you fell for that crap .
What a show you be out on. He’s not sorry he just doesn’t want to be the bad guy to (is it his brother ) can you imagine .

You deserve better and you should through him out and tell everyone why . He needs to do his fair share of childcare and pay for his kids . End off

You are not horrible and he doesn’t deserve you .

U need to separate from him. Even if you’ve every intention of taking him back.
he needs to know if he doesn’t it again you will leave, that’sa deterrent not to do it.
If you don’t act, you give him no reason to be faithful

Maria123123123123 Believe me you are not "gross" and are every bit as pretty as other girls .On this very site a while ago. Someone said to an OP ,like you whose DH had cheated on her with a girl who was bigger" He just wants someone different " this is so true .Do you have friends you can confide in or stay with maybe ? To give you a chance to think straight .Its hard but not impossible to leave with young DC ,dont make any decisions ATM .Can you confide i someone close

@Meandmyguy I'm 31 we got married at a young age of 21. I wouldn't say I'm a pushover but unfortunately I am a people pleaser. Throughout my life whenever someone has wronged me whether direct or indirect, I've just ignored it because I avoid confrontation at all costs. Unfortunately with the way i am if i ever do fight my corner with anyone I always feel regretful for my words and wish I had stayed quiet. Perhaps that's why I'm avoiding speaking to my SIL. Obviously I confronted my husband because there I had to and I feel no regret about that.

@Hayley1256 @Imbusytodaysorry my SIL is my brothers wife e

He gaslit you before, he'll do it again. Of course he knew what it would do to you. He knew what he was risking and was happy to take that risk. You will never be his priority, and that's not because there's anything wrong with you. It's him.

It will totally destroy any self esteem you have left if you stay with him. And that's with just knowing what he's done. You'll never have peace of mind as you'll wonder who's he's messaging, who he's with, etc.

Does your brother know?

he had made a new snap account and sent her a message saying 'send me a pic in ur bra or just send me of ur b*bs plz

That is such sleazy behaviour. Practically panting & pawing for photos like that 😕 Just cringey, and personally, it would make no difference if this was a stranger - it would still be unacceptable.

Remember - it's in their interest to downplay all of this, because they don't want this to explode on them, but it doesn't meant that's the truth of it. They want to carry on with their stable partners and have whatever's going on her in the background. It doesn't matter if nothing physical has happened yet - he's already broken the lines in your relationship, and I bet it would eventually escalate to something physical anyway. A man like that wouldn't be able to resist the urge and the possibility of it.

Oh op this was a horrible read. I imagine your sil used your husband to massage her ego after your brother’s rejection and your husband, who sounds like he has always had questionable behaviour around other women, was only too happy to oblige. As if the deception wasn’t bad enough though, they were both happy enough to have you questioning your sanity, and then your husband had no qualms about using emotional manipulation to get what he wanted, which was you not leaving him. You deserve so much better than either of them but I know you’re not ready to walk away. Can you at least make a commitment to work on your self esteem? You should ask your husband to fund counselling. I also appreciate you may by trying to contain what’s happened but I certainly wouldn’t be protecting your sil, who presumably is still living with your brother who probably feels terrible about his own betrayal, or your husband. They need to suffer the consequences of their actions and it will be a good test as to how sorry your husband truly is, as if he’s sorry he’ll have to accept any criticism given by those that love you. It will also help you keep an eye on him, as I sadly think he’ll do it again before long, and ensure you have support and people to remind you you deserve better.

Have you told your brother and showed him the screen shots?

You have a choice. Deal with this properly now which means making him leave or ignore it. This will result in him cheating on you forever more because there are no consequences. Yes both options are shit. But the first you get to keep a modicum of self respect. The second you will become a shell of yourself.

kids are not a reason to stay. Just as they are a reason not to cheat but just not for your husband.

You need to separate. Even if you are open to reconciliation. You need time away from him because he will manipulate you if you see him everyday. You need to consider the reasons why you want to stay together. What does he add to your life? And what does he take away from it?

If you want him to take you seriously then he needs to know what it feels like to lose you. It’s up to him whether he has it in him to win you back and convince you with his actions that he is capable of change.

But honestly his dramatic pity party shows how self centred he really is. You were forced to forgive him because HE couldn’t take you being upset with him. Despite the fact he had many chances to stop his behaviour when he realised you were seeing the messages. He doesn’t care if you know and it hurts you as long as you don’t give him any consequences. So are you going to play by his rules?

He completely lied to your face when you asked him directly for the truth and when you showed him irrefutable proof, he turned it into a pity party... acting out and hitting himself like a toddler in order to divert attention from his awful behaviour!

As well as speaking to your SIL (asking for nudes!) the messages to other random women absolutely shouldn't be downplayed either.

He's a habitual liar and from what you've said here I don't think he'll ever change.

First mistake? A first mistake that he made over and over and over again with her. You forgive him and I guarantee he’ll do the same thing again, either with her or with someone else, or most likely with a whole host of other women. I feel for you OP
but happiness doesn’t lie in the direction of this man. You also really should tell your brother. He has the right to know, plus he will be very hurt and betrayed if he finds out that you knew what his wife was up to and didn’t tell him. What an awful situation all round.

Don’t know whether you should stay as my oh went off on an arranged date with a client on a day when he wouldn’t be working with them. Thirty years we had been together and we had our wedding anniversary a few days before and went out for a meal and he thanked me in card for all I did for him and then about three days later he was going to leave me when I found out about meal as he said he was working and I questioned why he was in a fancy restaurant where we had gone with this women and he knew I liked this restaurant and I was blamed. Don’t know what was so bad about me💔😢😢Said some very hurtful things too. We stayed together after him saying for a week he was done with our relationship but it was terrible as I hadn’t done anything wrong but was the one who was going to be left. I was binned after thirty years nearly.
we stayed together and it is several years on now but there is not a day I don’t look at him and am davastated at who he was then. It was shocking and so sad and changed me as a person. I hate my appearance, I have no confidence anymore, I feel unsafe unemotionally and really really sad. It broke me. I have posted about this many times before under different names but I feel different about life and woukd never trust anyone again. It broke me. He was my best friend. We did lots of nice things together. He is not the person I thought when I met him as I thought he had more respect for me. He still works with this person every week and I just keep my mouth shut as I know a can of worms will be opened and I can’t emotionally deal with it. I am fragile since then but was sad as had been losing weight and looking after myself. I felt content and safe. I am gone as a person. Lost all faith in people as the person who was my go to let me down. Had Been let down by other boyfriends and friends but he was my best friend ❤️😢
I didn’t get it and still don’t as he says he loves me but if you love someone you don’t hurt them like that?!

OP I say this with kindness, but get a grip! He’s blown up your life and your brother’s life! If and when your brother finds out about this, how will it make him feel that you’re staying with this person. Are you all going to spend family Christmas’s and holidays together as normal and pretend everything is hunky dory, this other woman will always be in your life, can you deal with that, them being in constant contact. You’re not the one splitting your family up, he is the one that’s already done that!

Her brother has come out as gay and blown up his own marriage

That was a real cringe read OP What a pathetic piece of shit he is.
He isn’t one single bit sorry for what he/ they have done.
He’s sorry he got caught.
If you keep the status quo he will be smug as fuck and will do it again.
Don’t be a doormat. Kick him out

The only thing he is sorry for is being found out the horrible pig

He over stepped and made comments that were absolutely cheating, when he was caught out he orchestrated an elaborate plot with the SIL to gaslight you and lie to you. He then has the gaul to physically hurt himself to get some sort of misplaced guilt that actually you can’t possibly leave because it’s hurt me so much!

I couldn’t even begin to unpick that absolute ball of dishonesty, disrespect, cohesive abuse. I know you have young children but how can you ever get over that?!

im a great believer in virtue ethics- it’s not what you have done but the motivation and response and actions afterwards that counts.

motivation- for selfish sexual satisfaction.
response- to lie and to victimise himself, to manipulate the people pleaser in you.
actions- to gaslight and to collude with SIL to manipulate you into thinking that you are the problem, that it’s all in your head. When this doesn’t work guilty trip you into believing that he’s the victim, he’s the most hurt.

this isn’t going to get better. He is a prick.

LTB

oh and if he goes that next step and tries to guilt trip you into thinking he can’t live without you don’t fall for it. An ex of mine tried to do this and I was crystal clear with him that if he took his own life that was his choice, based on his actions and thoughts and nothing to do with me. Guess what? He’s still alive and kicking today, funny that…

OP, as a couples therapist based on what you have written he is being horribly manipulative and you need to get away from him for some space. Tell him to leave. Let his family and yours know what he has done. Do not let him abuse you into silence. He is showing DARVO tactics.

As gently as possible you seem very fragile without much feeling of self worth and unable to make decisions that are best for you. Your worth is so enmeshed in his view of you that you are lost without his approval. You need to get out from under this behavior to invest in yourself. You have worth and value. There is only one of you in this world and you are a gift. Do not let him take away your sense of self and place.

Please seek a therapist for yourself and get some space from this man. The hitting himself and kissing your feet is horribly abusive to you. Please find your strength and let him deal with the fallout while you crawl out of this hole he has buried you in.

OP, you are worthy and deserve love and kindness. He is giving you neither.

I agree you need space to slowly work this through.
He has lied many times to you and went to great lengths to cover his tracks. This isn’t something that can be resolved after one conversation in which he had a meltdown.

As they say, the best prediction of future behaviour is past behaviour. The risk of him repeating the behaviour (but being more careful that you don’t find out) is high.
If he is truly sorry, he needs the space to go therapy as well for compulsive lying and cheating. It’s unlikely he can just stop.

My heart is going out to you my lovely. 😥x

Just bloody ask him!

(Is there a big birthday or something coming up? Could she be organising something?)

@retz91 I'm so sorry, you don't deserve this, I don't understand how some people can be so selfish 🥺