Husband secretly chatting to SIL

[Maria123123123123]

My husband and I have been married for soon to be 10 years now. We have a 2 year old and a 5 month old. I noticed my husband started using Snapchat and was sending messages to one of his best friends who he normally talks to on watsapp every day. Naturally I was confused because he was still talking to this friend on watsapp so why he is also talking to him on snap. My husband doesnt even ever use Snapchat he made an account but never uses it. I clicked on the account and the username was that of my SILs(brothers wife). I was literally shaking why has he saved my sisters in law contact under a man's name. Unfortunately the chat is set to delete messages after viewing, so there's no way of me seeing previous messages or current convos.
The way i see it is the fact that they're being so secretive shows their intentions are not good, this includes:
Talking on Snapchat and not Watsapp as less likely for messages to be seen.
He's saved her contact under a man's name.
She changed the setting on the chat to delete after viewing (I'm assuming it was her anyway as my husband doesnt really use snap so he wouldnt knw to do that)
Also a few days after I had discovered this whole thing I noticed he had 'hidden' the Snapchat app so the icon is no longer there you have to physically search for it.
I discovered this whole thing on 16th may and the chat showed that they had a 5 day streak so I'm assuming that's how long they had been talking for.
Whenever I get the chance I check if any message has come through so I can look at it by half swiping or seeing what message he has sent( if she hadn't already opened it by then). I've managed to see snaps where it's just a pic of her in car on way to work - not a selfie but just of the road. Which fair enough is harmless. A few days in between I wasn't able to check any messages as he was working long shifts. Any chance i got i kept an eye him when hes on his phone and noticed that hes constanrly opening snapchat to see if any messges have gone through. Anyway a week later on the 25th I saw she had sent him a selfie. I mean what is she hoping to gain from sending a selfie of course she's looking for him to compliment her. I don't knw what he replied to that but I'm pretty sure he'd complimented it. He was working late so I couldn't see any more messages. Then today (26 may) I saw he has sent her a snap but obviously I couldn't see what of, but he also sent a message saying 'for you'.
My mind is going crazy I feel sick, this isn't just a normal convo they're having they're obviously flirting with each other. I can't believe they would do this to me if this was a stranger on the Internet then I'd be more forgiving but this is family it's my SIL. I've always liked my SIL, I enjoy her company.
My heart is broken. The thing is my husband and I have never had problems in our marriage we got on well, flirt with each other and out intimate regularly. We always apologise to each other if we knw we've upset the other. Overall out marriage is good. So why? Why has he done this to me. I don't want to confront him about it yet as I want to see more of their messages as i knw he will not be honest with me as to the extent of what they were chatting about. We have a family gathering coming up in approx a week and a half do I want to see how they behave in front of one another.
I don't know what the point of this post is i guess I just want some moral support and advice. Am I exaggerating or am I right to be this upset. I dnt want to talk to any friends or family about this atleast not right now. Also sorry for the super long read.

You say you can’t live without him but can you live like this everyday…..

I wake up with anxiety and sadness, I struggle to even make eye contact with him.

Is he really worth that? Doesn’t sound it. You need to get some self respect and stop allowing him to cheat on you! You forgave him for messaging random girls, that in itself is enough of a betrayal but your own SIL…

Yep. Hopefully you'll only be back one further time, @Maria123123123123 , and that'll be the time you find the strength to put yourself first. Because you know what he's like, now, and I think you know deep down he won't change.

It’s not over between them, they just got caught. He had the audacity to gaslight you after what he did, and they schemed together.
you will do what you wish and what is best for you, but I couldn’t even look at him and he would be out of my house like grease lightening.

I agree with this. They’ll wait until it’s all died down and then start up again. He cannot be trusted right now.

I know you desperately want to hold onto your relationship and I do believe some people can reconcile but it is WAY TOO SOON to tell him that you’re going to stay together. This was a major betrayal.

He has a lot to prove to you. A lot of trust up build. I’d go on surviving infodelity website, read ‘lose a cheater gain a life’ and ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ to get an idea of how untrustworthy he is and how unlikely he is to be remotely remorseful.

Yikes. Good luck OP. By the way it’s so wrong that you’re sounding like the one falling all over yourself to make this work, while he does fuck all.

Ohh that’s going to make family gatherings interesting

"He was my best friend and lover, my Protector, my safe space. And he's always known this. So then how could he do this to me?"

Because he's a selfish man who cares more about a pic of SIL's breasts and his dopamine hits from cheating and his own orgasm than his wife and family. When he gets the opportunity to cheat, he will.

Your best friend and safe space was an illusion.

Now you've rolled over and showed him your belly. He knows you're so desperate to keep him in your life you'll excuse cheating with his own SIL. By not letting him experience the consequences of his previous cheating attempts and now this one, you've enabled him at the cost of yourself and you're modeling this shitshow for your kids.

At least see a lawyer and inform yourself what separation and divorce would look like and find a good therapist.

Have some dignity woman! Tell him to leave. Tell your brother tell your family and friends what had been going on. Rally support. Any life is better for you and your children than with
this worm of a man who shows you your marriage and your children so little respect. Are you financially dependent on him?

I think the reason you feel sad and anxious is because your body senses you aren’t safe anymore, since you have been lied to and your husband is a cheater. It is already grieving the loss of the relationship you thought you had. Your body is waiting for your intellect to catch up with the new reality but at the moment you are pushing away the messages it is sending you in a bid to save what you believed to be real.

Your husband is addicted to other women and won’t stop looking for opportunities unfortunately.

You are going through the well known lifestyle of grief, which eventually ends in acceptance. Be patient and kind to yourself.

When my DH cheated on me, I took me 4 years to leave him. I highly doubt you'll get past this, so whilst you are not ready to leave yet, at least get yourself sorted financially, so that you can leave if you decide later that you want to.

hes only sorry he got caught he didnt confess he lied and gaslighted you

your brother doesnt deserve this either

Damn !! This is so sad .Do you think asking him outrightly with be okay or start to get to see if you can see messages ?

I think it’s very clear what’s happening. The only reason people set messages to delete after a certain length is because they don’t want others seeing it. On top of the he’s saved her under a man’s name. They’re clearly having an affair or about to.
you need to have a blunt conversation with him. And his brother needs to know.

Sorry just caught up with this. He sounds like a dick and will do it again.

All of this. He’s not worth it. Absolute waste of oxygen. You won’t get past it. It’ll eat away at you. I’ve been long term cheated on and I can tell you there is no way back.

Anytime I try and talk to him about this he just cries and begs for forgiveness. I'm past that now I want to have a proper conversation like how this started, what led him to it, what exactly they talked about how far it went. And how we can move on from this. I cant even be bothered dealing with his annoying reaction so I just stay quiet instead but like you say it's just eating at me. Anytime i bring it up hes like not this again i made a mistake im asking u for forgiveness i hate myself im a bad person. This situation is even coming in my dreams now. I had a dream this morning that he was with her and then we argued.

I regret saying I forgive u that first time that I confronted him as i guess it led him to believe that I'd just go back to normal and everything's fine between yes. But he basically forced me to say that as he wouldnt stop hitting himself. Errrrrrr

If he’s not willing to be completely transparent about what happened, why and include all the sordid details, you will always be left wondering ‘why/what happened’ and you’ll drive yourself mad.

my ex had an emotional affair, and I stayed with him for another 3 years. He, like your DH was very sorry, but wouldn’t ever give me the details, wouldn’t sit and have a proper conversation with me, then after a while he told me iI need to stop dwelling on it, then he couldn’t remember the details.

I also didn’t tell anyone, my friends and family were non the wiser, which meant he got off Scott free and I had no additional support.

As a result, I lost all respect and trust for him, I think started to really dislike him. Any special anniversary I couldn’t celebrate as it just made me sick. By the time I left I couldn’t stand him.

If this is real, he will drive you insane.

This is the thing, he knows you'll forgive him so he'll do it again. Though next time it'll probably be someone less close to home so he's less likely to be caught.

So tell him in hindsight you don’t forgive him. It’s a knee jerk reaction. Tell him you have questions you need answering without the dramatics - when is he available to answer these questions?!

Wow, please find your self respect! Tell your brother, tell everyone, get it out in the open. Send screen shots if you like. You have done nothing wrong. To hell with the pair of them.

Tell him you said that to stop his self harming. Tell him you expect him to go get evaluated and get his mental health taken care of. Until then, he gets nothing from you.

If he hems and haws, he was manipulating you. You said he went quiet when you first confronted him. He was trying to figure out what to do and he came up with that. Has he sought medical attention since then for his injuries?

If he tries self harm in front of you again, call the police or your local mental health crisis team if you have one. Have the number on your phone. Let him explain to the police that he wasn't really self harming, he was just being a manipulative asshole.

Now he's crying. 🙄He sure didn't when he was trying to gaslight you about his little affair with your SIL. He's just figured out how to manage you and escape the consequences of his actions.

He's not a good guy. I think he's got a personality disorder.

He’s using emotional manipulation, by playing the victim, to keep his secrets and avoid having to tell you the details. I’d be telling him forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or that everything is fixed and if he wants a chance of this relationship working you need all the details and for him to tell you how he plans to rebuild trust and make you feel more secure.