Husband secretly chatting to SIL

[Maria123123123123]

My husband and I have been married for soon to be 10 years now. We have a 2 year old and a 5 month old. I noticed my husband started using Snapchat and was sending messages to one of his best friends who he normally talks to on watsapp every day. Naturally I was confused because he was still talking to this friend on watsapp so why he is also talking to him on snap. My husband doesnt even ever use Snapchat he made an account but never uses it. I clicked on the account and the username was that of my SILs(brothers wife). I was literally shaking why has he saved my sisters in law contact under a man's name. Unfortunately the chat is set to delete messages after viewing, so there's no way of me seeing previous messages or current convos.
The way i see it is the fact that they're being so secretive shows their intentions are not good, this includes:
Talking on Snapchat and not Watsapp as less likely for messages to be seen.
He's saved her contact under a man's name.
She changed the setting on the chat to delete after viewing (I'm assuming it was her anyway as my husband doesnt really use snap so he wouldnt knw to do that)
Also a few days after I had discovered this whole thing I noticed he had 'hidden' the Snapchat app so the icon is no longer there you have to physically search for it.
I discovered this whole thing on 16th may and the chat showed that they had a 5 day streak so I'm assuming that's how long they had been talking for.
Whenever I get the chance I check if any message has come through so I can look at it by half swiping or seeing what message he has sent( if she hadn't already opened it by then). I've managed to see snaps where it's just a pic of her in car on way to work - not a selfie but just of the road. Which fair enough is harmless. A few days in between I wasn't able to check any messages as he was working long shifts. Any chance i got i kept an eye him when hes on his phone and noticed that hes constanrly opening snapchat to see if any messges have gone through. Anyway a week later on the 25th I saw she had sent him a selfie. I mean what is she hoping to gain from sending a selfie of course she's looking for him to compliment her. I don't knw what he replied to that but I'm pretty sure he'd complimented it. He was working late so I couldn't see any more messages. Then today (26 may) I saw he has sent her a snap but obviously I couldn't see what of, but he also sent a message saying 'for you'.
My mind is going crazy I feel sick, this isn't just a normal convo they're having they're obviously flirting with each other. I can't believe they would do this to me if this was a stranger on the Internet then I'd be more forgiving but this is family it's my SIL. I've always liked my SIL, I enjoy her company.
My heart is broken. The thing is my husband and I have never had problems in our marriage we got on well, flirt with each other and out intimate regularly. We always apologise to each other if we knw we've upset the other. Overall out marriage is good. So why? Why has he done this to me. I don't want to confront him about it yet as I want to see more of their messages as i knw he will not be honest with me as to the extent of what they were chatting about. We have a family gathering coming up in approx a week and a half do I want to see how they behave in front of one another.
I don't know what the point of this post is i guess I just want some moral support and advice. Am I exaggerating or am I right to be this upset. I dnt want to talk to any friends or family about this atleast not right now. Also sorry for the super long read.

VERY 😂

Although I’ve got myself into trouble on - er - complex threads like this in the past so I’ll leave it there

He's fishing for an affair and has been for some time. Your SIL's marriage is over but she can't leave as she has nowhere to go. So now she's taken his bait. He'll get his affair, she'll get her place to go, and you'll get a mountain of pain.

I guess a part of me is scared as i know that once I confront him nothing will ever be the same. It will all be over.
But I have so much anger and it's hard keeping it in. Its frustrating that 'm not even upset anymore, I'm just so angry. I wanna be upset so that when I confront him he can see how much he's hurt me. But I think my anger has just taken over now. How can he risk it all for her. I dnt get it. .
I've not been talking to him properly lately and when hes asked I've just said i can't tell u what's wrong. I've also accidently opened a couple of his messges so I think he was onto me that I have suspicions. So now he's signed out of his snap account and told her to message him on watsapp. Which is better for me as i can check his what'sapp convos a lot easier. The fact that I was onto him and he still hasn't stopped talking to her shows how much he wants to continue this

So sorry @Maria123123123123 I don’t know how you have held your tongue.

What did the messages you read say?

How did you see him tell her to talk on WhatsApp?

Do you believe they are meeting in person?

Have you spoken to her?

Wasn’t there a family event coming up?

You need to think about next steps because torturing yourself alone is going to make you spiral. Have you told anyone in real life? I know you don’t think your brother is the right person because of they way he has treated her but at this point what do you have to lose?

I think if you are finding it hard to be civil to him then you should just speak to him and get it off your chest.
Of course you are scared it could end the relationship, but it could also save it, as the longer you leave it, the longer they will have to plan meet ups etc.
Sort this out once and for all. I would definitely confront the pair of them.
You deserve better.

I would just confront him and tell him you know, it isn't acceptable and if he wants to continue then he needs to leave and you will see a solicitor. He was seeking out other women already, that is a major red flag. Now he has moved on to family and it sounds like your SIL is just as disgusting as he is. Your brother blowing up their marriage doesn't excuse her helping to blow up yours.

At the very least you need some serious marriage counseling if you want to stay. He seems to be trying his best to step out and have an affair. I would just tell him no need for an affair, he is free to fuck whomever he wants and you will just file for divorce. He needs harsh truths now. Waiting just leaves the door open for more to happen which will be marriage ending. If you want to save your marriage confront now. Otherwise collect evidence, get your ducks in a row and leave him when you have what you need. Torturing yourself this way is soul killing. Your fear is rationale, but you are destroying yourself by just wondering and waiting. Don't give him that power over you. You do deserve better.

@ochreraven Hi to answer your questions:
The messages that I've seen have been selfies, saying "have u forgotten me" when no message has been sent in a while. He said " u look nice this morning my love". Also talking about how to keep the chat hidden so him suggesting to use watsapp and to delete the messges at the end of the day and her suggesting to use snap as she said 'the messages get deleted straught away'.
I saw the message on Snapchat when he said to talk on watsapp because I messed up and accidently clicked on a message that she sent. So he realised that I've possibly been on his account.
I don't believe they are meeting in person.
I haven't spoken to her regarding this. She did come over to my house a week ago and bought my toddler a toy. It was just normal talk she asked about my husband but that wasn't anything abnormal. The family event is tomorrow. After that I plan to confront them which won't be easy for me because I avoid confrontational situations at all cost but of course I cannot avoid this. I plan to confront them both together. I feel so broken. I was ill last week and he was continuing to talk to her. Now he's super ill this week as well as our baby. So this past few days have been exhausting looking after a poorly baby and demanding toddler and cooking/cleaning etc. So if hurts so so much that I'm doing all this and he's talking to her. I'm the one looking after you and our kids. Not her. I can't talk to anyone about this as I dnt want to create any drama in the family. Hence why I'm venting out to u guys. Which I appreciate u all taking the time out to read and respond.

@Blodyneighbour @Emptyspiral he's not feeling well and I'm not as heartless as him i I knw now not the right time to say anything. Once the family event is over and he's feeling better I'm gonna get them both together.

Good for you OP. In the meantime try and be civil (as hard as it may be) as you don't want him seeing your anger and using it as ammunition.
I think seeing them together at the family event will tell you all you need to know.
Good luck.

@Maria123123123123 I think you need to go into this conversation with an idea what you want from it?

Are you wanting them to admit to an emotional affair? They are unlikely to so. The evidence you have will be explained away. Just going through a hard time/ needed support/ nothing in it/ didn’t want you to overreact etc.

Clearly they are in cahoots about keeping it quiet so they will back each other up. You will be outnumbered and made to feel stupid.

Do you want them to know and feel bad for you? Well they don’t or they wouldn’t be doing it. They already suspect you know.

The only way your scenario works is if you are confronting them to dump him and tell her what an awful person she is. I don’t think this is your intention?

Sorry to be harsh. I think you need to be realistic in the way you deal with this.

If I was you I would be confronting your husband with a view to leave him having already spoken to a solicitor and collected any documents I needed. It would then be up to him to convince me he knows what he has done is wrong and will do everything he can to put it right. You don’t deserve anything less.

Have it out with him rightaway OP , ask him to cease and desist immediately if he wants an iota of chance of saving his marriage, do not take him along to the family event with you, its the dog house for him.
You dont need to interact with your SIL anymore now that bro has left her, unless there are children involved

How did the gathering go op? How was they around each other?

"I guess a part of me is scared as i know that once I confront him nothing will ever be the same. It will all be over."

Well, your relationship isn't going to be the same anyway, is it? Your feelings have already been changed, and how would you be able to trust him?

Okay so I confronted him yesterday. I knw it took me so long. But I hadn't seen any activity in so long so naive me thought it had ended. Anyway couple of days ago I realised he had made a new snap account and sent her a message saying 'send me a pic in ur bra or just send me of ur b*bs plz'. She never did but he kept asking her to. Then he also said 'u looked nice the other day I felt like hugging and kissing u' (there was a family party). Anyway this absolutely broke me and I was crying for 2 days straight and I just stopped talking to him. I confronted him today and he just gaslit me saying I haven't done anything there's nothing between us blah blah blah, I swear to God. So then I messaged her and she basically said the same thing we don't message each other blah blah blah. He showed me the fb messages and apologised for talking to random girls saying I knew they were fake accounts but I just wanted to expose them blah blah blah anyway I can forgive him for that. Then I took his phone and messaged her from his phone at which he literally fought for me to give me his phone back (which is guilty af). I messaged her pretending I'm him saying has my wife texted u at which she replied 'yes she messegd me but what is she saying we never talk in that way' 'I dnt knw what she's talking about'. They're so clever and sly. Also she blocked him on snap. I hate the fact that they're gaslighting me like this i feel like I'm going crazy. But I have show screenshots and ive told him I've got proof and he wants to see it but I haven't shown him yet because honestly I was just exhausted I didn't have it in me to go down that rabbit hole just yet plus I want to give him the opportunity to admit what hes done. He cried and hugged me last night begging for forgiveness but would still not admit to having a relationship with her. He said "sorry for whenever I have spoke to her'

OP they are on to you and planting stuff for you to read. You have concrete evidence and still they won’t admit it.
I’m so sorry, but if he won’t even admit it when you have hard evidence then you can’t trust him, your relationship going on like this will destroy you and you deserve far better treatment.

You’re being played for a fool. Get angry. Get your ducks in a row and get to a solicitor ASAP

What a pair of deceitful, gaslighting pricks. Speak to a solicitor.

What he is doing is very cruel and selfish. He can beg for forgiveness but yet still not admit any wrong doing.

Tell him without accountability there can’t be forgiveness. You have proof why not show him? Stop this farce. You have a decision to make. I know you want him to admit it on his own but he’s not that man. He doesn’t respect you and he has turned his marriage into a sham. To speak to any woman that way is a betrayal but family is a whole other level of disrespect.

Will you tell your brother now?

OP, you need to get angry. He is lying to you, they both are. They knew you found out and are playing the dumb card now. Send him to his parents and let them know what he has done. Send the screenshots. If he thinks he did nothing wrong then no reason to hide it from them. Do not believe his crocodile tears. People who cheat and are remorseful don't lie and gaslight their partner. They come clean and do everything to make it better. He is all sadness now with you while secretly waiting for pics of another woman's breasts. And not any woman, your SIL! Is that really a man you want to be tied to forever? He isn't sorry, only upset that he was found out. That is not a recipe for marital success.

I have seen this so many times over in my practice and can tell you based on my experience it will escalate to physical if it hasn't already. He needs harsh truths now. He needs to experience the loss of you to either get his shit together or decide he wants to leave the marriage. Either way you need answers so you aren't in limbo. You are not being heartless, he is. His constant lying and minimizing will destroy you. Right now he deserves nothing from you. This is on him 100% to fix which won't happen because he is denying he did anything wrong. Find your anger and use it.

Textbook gaslighting, OP. You are not going crazy. As others have said, ducks in a row etc.

Just so you know when you get a snap sent in Snapchat it deletes automatically unless you manually save it in the chat otherwise it disappears with no evidence as soon as you view it. It literally deletes immediately after you open it with no evidence. So she likely has sent him photos that he just looked at or he has saved to his phone and then they deleted automatically from snapchat. You can't tell that they were sent just by checking their messages. But if they have a streak going that means they are definitely sending photos every single day to each other even if they delete automatically. Messages do not count in a streak, only photos taken in the app. So if he has a streak with her then they are 100% exchanging photos daily. Remember, just because you can't see them now doesn't mean they were never sent. People use Snapchat to cheat because of these features. They can also video call each other on it as well very easily. Don't be fooled thinking what you saw is everything.

You can’t process this until you are told the absolute truth, you know they are lying because of the messages you have read. So I would say your version of events don’t match the the facts. A relationship doesn’t have to be physical it can also be emotional betrayal which is what I have evidence for. You don’t ask for naked pictures unless you are incredibly close to someone- so try again and tell the truth because there is no way forward without it.

always tell my DH I want the cold brutal truth followed by action. If I don’t see these things then I have zero faith that the situation can ever improve.

he’s betrayed you she has too, don’t accept their railroading into accepting rubbish. Stand you ground.

as Michelle Obama said when they go low you go high

This is an affair. He is cheating.

Tell. Your. Brother.

Bring this into the light of day. Two pairs of eyes are better than one and he needs to know.

Op you already know their intentions. Don’t worry about him lying you already know the truth. They are hiding on snapchat this is very common because messages can just disappear so cheaters dont have to worry about forgetting to delete them. They are both scums cheating and it could be physical or not yet but they are cheating. They hide their names and everything. I would leave I couldn’t bear the disrespect and betrayal.

Why havent you told your brother??? They are lying to you and they will continue just kick him out