Husband secretly chatting to SIL

[Maria123123123123]

My husband and I have been married for soon to be 10 years now. We have a 2 year old and a 5 month old. I noticed my husband started using Snapchat and was sending messages to one of his best friends who he normally talks to on watsapp every day. Naturally I was confused because he was still talking to this friend on watsapp so why he is also talking to him on snap. My husband doesnt even ever use Snapchat he made an account but never uses it. I clicked on the account and the username was that of my SILs(brothers wife). I was literally shaking why has he saved my sisters in law contact under a man's name. Unfortunately the chat is set to delete messages after viewing, so there's no way of me seeing previous messages or current convos.
The way i see it is the fact that they're being so secretive shows their intentions are not good, this includes:
Talking on Snapchat and not Watsapp as less likely for messages to be seen.
He's saved her contact under a man's name.
She changed the setting on the chat to delete after viewing (I'm assuming it was her anyway as my husband doesnt really use snap so he wouldnt knw to do that)
Also a few days after I had discovered this whole thing I noticed he had 'hidden' the Snapchat app so the icon is no longer there you have to physically search for it.
I discovered this whole thing on 16th may and the chat showed that they had a 5 day streak so I'm assuming that's how long they had been talking for.
Whenever I get the chance I check if any message has come through so I can look at it by half swiping or seeing what message he has sent( if she hadn't already opened it by then). I've managed to see snaps where it's just a pic of her in car on way to work - not a selfie but just of the road. Which fair enough is harmless. A few days in between I wasn't able to check any messages as he was working long shifts. Any chance i got i kept an eye him when hes on his phone and noticed that hes constanrly opening snapchat to see if any messges have gone through. Anyway a week later on the 25th I saw she had sent him a selfie. I mean what is she hoping to gain from sending a selfie of course she's looking for him to compliment her. I don't knw what he replied to that but I'm pretty sure he'd complimented it. He was working late so I couldn't see any more messages. Then today (26 may) I saw he has sent her a snap but obviously I couldn't see what of, but he also sent a message saying 'for you'.
My mind is going crazy I feel sick, this isn't just a normal convo they're having they're obviously flirting with each other. I can't believe they would do this to me if this was a stranger on the Internet then I'd be more forgiving but this is family it's my SIL. I've always liked my SIL, I enjoy her company.
My heart is broken. The thing is my husband and I have never had problems in our marriage we got on well, flirt with each other and out intimate regularly. We always apologise to each other if we knw we've upset the other. Overall out marriage is good. So why? Why has he done this to me. I don't want to confront him about it yet as I want to see more of their messages as i knw he will not be honest with me as to the extent of what they were chatting about. We have a family gathering coming up in approx a week and a half do I want to see how they behave in front of one another.
I don't know what the point of this post is i guess I just want some moral support and advice. Am I exaggerating or am I right to be this upset. I dnt want to talk to any friends or family about this atleast not right now. Also sorry for the super long read.

@MrsSkylerWhite Ask who what sorry

Ask him if he and your SIL are having an affair.

Ignore my comment about organising something for you. Was trying to think of possible explanations.

Just read updates .They’re both cheating arseholes. So sorry.

And this is why it's the decent thing to read all the OPs posts before replying 🙍

Fair enough.

This probably won't help, but you have said that WhatsApp is easier to check conversations. But actually WhatsApp is much better for hiding conversations, as there is a 'chat lock' option/secret folder which is not visible anywhere at all and whether the feature is being used or not is not shown.

It is password protected (which could obviously be anything, a combination of emojis even). You type the password into the search bar at the top of WhatsApp and a little icon with a lock appears, it unclicks, and you tap on it to enter the secret folder.

As I say, there's absolutely no way of knowing whether this feature is being used, and if you try to change the password in the settings to get into the folder, then all the chats get deleted.

It doesn't sound like your partner is using this feature, I'm not sure many people know about it actually... But it's a foolproof way of concealing messages, especially if they're smart and use a combination emoji password that wouldn't look too out of place in the last used emojis.

To find it to check it out, go into settings and find 'Chat lock' and try it out yourself. You'll get an idea of how this is an absolute perfect feature for cheaters.

@DonnyBurrito he had locked the chat. And I had figured out the password. It was easy. I guess he didn't knw that I knew abt this feature. Why is why he was happy to keep using what'sapp but she wanted to use Snapchat as messages disappear

What a performance he put on! The Oscar for most dramatic response to being caught red handed. He started hitting himself ? Crying and throwing himself to the floor. That alone would be enough for me to leave him. What a tosser:

Are you really staying with this loser?

Ahh okay. As I say, if they're smart they'll pick a difficult password. I suppose it's a good thing he's not very clever.

Create a family what’s app then post all the pics of their chats - get it all out in the open

@Maria123123123123 so what are you going to do? Are you going to accept his betrayal because he’s sad? Are you going to continue going to family functions where only the three of you know the truth? Are you going to worry every time he hides his phone from you?

Has he offered you anything you didn’t have before? Free access to his phone? His live location? Therapy?

😂😂😂🙈🤷‍♀️

dont do this to yourself op. U have to leave this pos

I've decided to give him another chance. Because quite honestly i cannot see my life without him in it, i still love him so much. Having said that though, I can't move past this, he expects me to just be normal with him, he's tried to be intimate with me. But it's like how can I be when all I can think about is him asking to see her nudes. Him saying she looks nice and wanting to hug and kiss her. If it was a stranger it wouldn't hurt so much but my own SIL, it feels so personal , I can't get over it. Some days or some parts of the day I'm absolutely fine and manage to smile at him and have a conversation with him maybe even hug him. But other days I wake up with anxiety and sadness, I struggle to even make eye contact with him. I just don't knw what to do. He's hurt me so badly. He was my best friend and lover, my Protector, my safe space. And he's always known this. So then how could he do this to me?

With Kindness OP - you are absolutely INSANE for staying with this cunt of a man.

MAKE HIM LEAVE. PLEASE MAKE HIM LEAVE. Urgh, I don't know how you could even bear to look at him - this is the LOWEST of the LOW behaviour. Find your inner strength and kick him to the fucking curb. He will continue to disrespect you over and over and over again.

Edited: I told you to leave - HE SHOULD leave not you.

You are completely insane to forgive this man and move on. You might eventually get past the worst of the emotions but it will always crop back up at times and you'll never be able to trust him again. It will make your life miserable constantly worrying about if he's messaging someone else. You'll be riddled with anxiety and it will ruin your mental health.

I’m sorry but he’s treated you with complete disrespect and contempt and you would be so much better off without him.

What he did wasn’t a mistake. Getting horrifically drunk and snogging a stranger once could count as a mistake. Repeatedly flirting with/ sexually pestering a family member, discussing with her how best to keep the secret from you, and lying when you caught him, is not a mistake. This is him showing you who he is and what he thinks of you.

Can you really live the rest of your life with this anxiety and paranoia of what he’s doing and if he’s messaging her still (or anybody else he ends up messaging)? Surely you’re worth more than that hon?

this won’t be a happy life or marriage going forward, and if you can’t get past it he’ll eventually leave anyway and will blame you for being miserable (when it’s still not ever gonna be your fault! He’s a cockwomble) xx

@Maria123123123123 isnt this your brothers wife? So you are complicit in keeping it secret from him and he can’t make his own decision about his relationship.

This will eat away at your soul
having to play happy families for the rest of your life with them at family gatherings.

you’ll never be able to trust your husband again. not should you.

I'm sorry to see your update. You know he'll do it again, right? He's probably doing it right now.

I'm sorry if that's harsh but between the stuff with your sister and all the messages hitting up random women I can't see how you could ever trust him again, and by staying with him, he's essentially got the ok to carry on.

I’m wondering if some therapy would be helpful for you OP if you are giving him another chance. It might be good to have an independent perspective to talk through your options so that you can put it behind you if that’s what you want to do. Otherwise, the understandable bitterness and pain will destroy you.

Great! See you back here in a few months then, with more of the same 👌

He will do it again. He isn’t your protector or your safe space you just think he is sadly.
but if you’re not ready to leave yet then you’re not ready. One day you will be…or you’ll just live with this in anxiety and stress which isn’t exactly ideal is it. Good luck.

I don't see how you can say you're giving him another chance and in the same breath saying you can't move past this.

So your decision is to stay in a relationship with someone who has done something you can't move past? So you're going to just suffer?

Sorry to be blunt but he doesn't care about you or your feelings and he isn't any of the things you describe. Someone who is your protector or best friend never wants ANY harm to come to you. They certainly don't set out to hurt you themselves in the worst way possible.

Once you give someone like this another chance you have given them the green light to do it again. He knows now that you will take him back after a bit of pathetic pleading so has nothing to lose. He is most likely contacting her (or someone else) already.

@Maria123123123123 I’m sorry you are going through this. I understand the desperation to stay together when you still love him. MN is always going to say LTB in a situation like this.

I think you believe the choice to forgive means going back to how things were before you uncovered the messages. Unfortunately that reality doesn’t exist. So you have to consider what your new relationship looks like taking into account who you now know him to be and what he is capable of.

I do think reconciliation is possible but only when the person who was unfaithful takes complete responsibility and does whatever their partner needs to move past it. They also need to address the reasons why they did it. ‘I don’t know what I was thinking’ is not a good enough excuse. It leaves it open to happening again. Clearly your H is looking for something outside of your relationship. That need wont go away just because he’s been caught. He will just get better at hiding it. So if you are determined to stay together you need to tell him to do the following and it’s non negotiable.

1. Seek individual therapy to address why he needs extra validation and attention outside of your relationship.
2. Have an open phone / device policy that whenever you are feeling insecure and distrustful you can ask for his phone and he will give it to you. Remember that his actions led to you feeling this way so it’s up to him to provide reassurance and evidence of the truth.
3. He tells you whatever details you want to know about their affair. And it was an affair even if it wasn’t physical.
4. Neither of them are ever at a family function together. If she’s going he isn’t.

All of these are completely reasonable boundaries after the devastation he’s caused. If he’s not willing to accept them then he’s not serious about remaining faithful and he doesn’t care how his actions have affected you. If that’s the case you don’t have a relationship to save so it’s not a choice.