Husband secretly chatting to SIL

[Maria123123123123]

My husband and I have been married for soon to be 10 years now. We have a 2 year old and a 5 month old. I noticed my husband started using Snapchat and was sending messages to one of his best friends who he normally talks to on watsapp every day. Naturally I was confused because he was still talking to this friend on watsapp so why he is also talking to him on snap. My husband doesnt even ever use Snapchat he made an account but never uses it. I clicked on the account and the username was that of my SILs(brothers wife). I was literally shaking why has he saved my sisters in law contact under a man's name. Unfortunately the chat is set to delete messages after viewing, so there's no way of me seeing previous messages or current convos.
The way i see it is the fact that they're being so secretive shows their intentions are not good, this includes:
Talking on Snapchat and not Watsapp as less likely for messages to be seen.
He's saved her contact under a man's name.
She changed the setting on the chat to delete after viewing (I'm assuming it was her anyway as my husband doesnt really use snap so he wouldnt knw to do that)
Also a few days after I had discovered this whole thing I noticed he had 'hidden' the Snapchat app so the icon is no longer there you have to physically search for it.
I discovered this whole thing on 16th may and the chat showed that they had a 5 day streak so I'm assuming that's how long they had been talking for.
Whenever I get the chance I check if any message has come through so I can look at it by half swiping or seeing what message he has sent( if she hadn't already opened it by then). I've managed to see snaps where it's just a pic of her in car on way to work - not a selfie but just of the road. Which fair enough is harmless. A few days in between I wasn't able to check any messages as he was working long shifts. Any chance i got i kept an eye him when hes on his phone and noticed that hes constanrly opening snapchat to see if any messges have gone through. Anyway a week later on the 25th I saw she had sent him a selfie. I mean what is she hoping to gain from sending a selfie of course she's looking for him to compliment her. I don't knw what he replied to that but I'm pretty sure he'd complimented it. He was working late so I couldn't see any more messages. Then today (26 may) I saw he has sent her a snap but obviously I couldn't see what of, but he also sent a message saying 'for you'.
My mind is going crazy I feel sick, this isn't just a normal convo they're having they're obviously flirting with each other. I can't believe they would do this to me if this was a stranger on the Internet then I'd be more forgiving but this is family it's my SIL. I've always liked my SIL, I enjoy her company.
My heart is broken. The thing is my husband and I have never had problems in our marriage we got on well, flirt with each other and out intimate regularly. We always apologise to each other if we knw we've upset the other. Overall out marriage is good. So why? Why has he done this to me. I don't want to confront him about it yet as I want to see more of their messages as i knw he will not be honest with me as to the extent of what they were chatting about. We have a family gathering coming up in approx a week and a half do I want to see how they behave in front of one another.
I don't know what the point of this post is i guess I just want some moral support and advice. Am I exaggerating or am I right to be this upset. I dnt want to talk to any friends or family about this atleast not right now. Also sorry for the super long read.

Fucking hell @Maria123123123123
Tell your brother.

You're an absolute mug.

To keep this from your brother is worse than what you're husband has done.

HER BROTHER HAS COME OUT AS GAY. Her SIL and husband are cunts, of course, but her brother is no victim here!

I don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes I'm fine and sometimes the pain is too much to bear. She lives at my mums so whenever I go over i feel so anxious around her. All the messages the things he said to her just spin around in my head. And I come home in such a bad mood. I hate him for cheating on me with someone I have to see all the time. It hurts too much.

Does she know you know? How does she act around you?

Why are you keeping this secret for them? They are living their lives in peace knowing there were no consequences to their behaviour while you are breaking under the pressure of keeping the sordid betrayal to yourself.

Tell your mum, tell your brother. Once the truth is out there you can live in your truth. If you want to stay with your husband that’s your choice but you are the person continuing to torture yourself. Tell the people who need to know. Let them step up and support you.

@Maria123123123123 I haven't read back the pages and pages of replies, sounds like there are a few complications in your circumstances... BUT. Cheating is cheating. Cheating with someone you know, or someone unknown, is irrelevant. It is a choice he made, he chose to betray your relationship, your trust. You have no reason to endure the pain and keep going. You need to have enough respect for yourself to exit this setup. Not healthy, not good for you. You have one life, don't waste it on someone who is not respecting you enough...

Have you told your mum? Why are you keeping their secrets? You are never going to heal when you are constantly being cut into a million pieces every day.

I just want to be mad at him all over again, tell him how angry and hurt I am. How I can't trust him anymore. And can't love him in the same way. I'm so mad at him. But. A part of me also feels like a hypocrite because mostly we're fine, we're normal with each other, we're intimate. But this pain is always there everyday I remember his betrayal but sometimes I cope with it better and push it to the back of mind and other days the pain is too much. More so when I'm around her I get so triggered I feel so anxious, my heart hurts. The fact that she led him on, sending him selfies, hiding their chats. I look at her and feel so inferior, so insecure. I'm reminded of the messages he sent her calling her his love, saying he wants to hug her and kiss her saying she looks nice. Asking to see her b**bs.
I don't wanna tell my family because I just can't deal with the anxiety that will come with the fallout.

If you don't muster the courage to step out of this nightmare @Maria123123123123 , you will regret it down the line.. Any time wasted on this despicable, spineless creep is time you will never get back. You have one life to live, and wasting it this way would be sad. The things he has been doing cannot be undone, and it's up to you to make it better for yourself...and not by staying, because that would be insane... There is no point pushing it down, even saying it out loud is unhealthy. You are in pain because of the betrayal he CHOSE to do. He did not respect you enough...you should respect yourself instead. I am so sorry, but any further hurt will be on you in the future if you don't help yourself now.

How do you think your mum would feel if she knew she was housing a woman who had had an affair (even if it wasn't physical) with her daughter's husband? Are you close with your mum? Because if you are, I'd be telling her.

I believe you shoudl confront him ASAP, the tension of the impact of relationship builds the longer you leave it.

You need to find the courage to tell your family this has/will continue to destroy you, you must feel like your living a complete lie with the people who you should feel the safest with you poor love NONE of this is your fault it is all on them. You will live a life of resentment and by not healing these wounds you are storing up a sad future for you r immediate family (you, husband & children). This doesn’t mean the end of your marriage but unless the “good communication “ starts now you will not be able to move forward because it will never be properly addressed for you. Please tell mum and let her support you through this. Work with your husband and counselling would be a good idea to find out “why” he behaved this way it’s really the only way forward if you want to save the marriage.

This is never going to get any better. You made a mistake in staying with him after such a betrayal and his consistent dishonesty.

You need to draw a line under your relationship, and you need to tell your mum. No way should she want SIL living with her if she knows about this.

He cheated on you because he could. That’s it, no convulsed back story, just because he could. He knows you well enough, I that him hitting himself and begging your forgiveness would force you to say you would, he probably doesn’t care if you do or not. The fact that he cheated on you with your brothers wife, who happens to live in your mother’s house just adds another level to his callous disregard your feelings.

I get it, you don’t want to upset your family but this secret will destroy if you keep it all in. Your H will not lose any sleep over your pain because he doesn’t care, he thinks he got away with it and that’s his priority, him. There’s probably a dynamic in the relationship you have with your H and maybe with your family too, where you and your feelings might never have been the priority that they should have been. The problem with people pleasing is you’re just encouraging the people who hurt you to hurt you more.

Please, please, please talk to someone in real life. You are in understandable pain, amidst a terrible grief and you need support. It’s time you be your best friend because your H isn’t.

I’m so sorry. The pain of not only your husband but with your SIL must be terrible. Whether physical or not he’s lied and I would feel like they both were laughing behind my back. It must be extra tough that he said he loved her.

I think you need to tell your mum. The only way (if you had wanted to) stay with your husband is for him to cut all ties with the OW and that she’s your SIL and loving with your mum makes it impossible in my opinion. If I was your mum I would want to know. I would be telling SIL to leave and offering you and the kids to come and stay instead.

I would just say to him i have changed my mind, I do not / cant forgive you for cheating with SIL.

And tell your brother / family straight away.

Maybe do it via WhatsApp and copy them all in in including her if you cant do it to his face.

Or when you are all together announce it.
See him fall to his knees then .

Let her take some heat and be embarrassed