Husband secretly chatting to SIL

[Maria123123123123]

My husband and I have been married for soon to be 10 years now. We have a 2 year old and a 5 month old. I noticed my husband started using Snapchat and was sending messages to one of his best friends who he normally talks to on watsapp every day. Naturally I was confused because he was still talking to this friend on watsapp so why he is also talking to him on snap. My husband doesnt even ever use Snapchat he made an account but never uses it. I clicked on the account and the username was that of my SILs(brothers wife). I was literally shaking why has he saved my sisters in law contact under a man's name. Unfortunately the chat is set to delete messages after viewing, so there's no way of me seeing previous messages or current convos.
The way i see it is the fact that they're being so secretive shows their intentions are not good, this includes:
Talking on Snapchat and not Watsapp as less likely for messages to be seen.
He's saved her contact under a man's name.
She changed the setting on the chat to delete after viewing (I'm assuming it was her anyway as my husband doesnt really use snap so he wouldnt knw to do that)
Also a few days after I had discovered this whole thing I noticed he had 'hidden' the Snapchat app so the icon is no longer there you have to physically search for it.
I discovered this whole thing on 16th may and the chat showed that they had a 5 day streak so I'm assuming that's how long they had been talking for.
Whenever I get the chance I check if any message has come through so I can look at it by half swiping or seeing what message he has sent( if she hadn't already opened it by then). I've managed to see snaps where it's just a pic of her in car on way to work - not a selfie but just of the road. Which fair enough is harmless. A few days in between I wasn't able to check any messages as he was working long shifts. Any chance i got i kept an eye him when hes on his phone and noticed that hes constanrly opening snapchat to see if any messges have gone through. Anyway a week later on the 25th I saw she had sent him a selfie. I mean what is she hoping to gain from sending a selfie of course she's looking for him to compliment her. I don't knw what he replied to that but I'm pretty sure he'd complimented it. He was working late so I couldn't see any more messages. Then today (26 may) I saw he has sent her a snap but obviously I couldn't see what of, but he also sent a message saying 'for you'.
My mind is going crazy I feel sick, this isn't just a normal convo they're having they're obviously flirting with each other. I can't believe they would do this to me if this was a stranger on the Internet then I'd be more forgiving but this is family it's my SIL. I've always liked my SIL, I enjoy her company.
My heart is broken. The thing is my husband and I have never had problems in our marriage we got on well, flirt with each other and out intimate regularly. We always apologise to each other if we knw we've upset the other. Overall out marriage is good. So why? Why has he done this to me. I don't want to confront him about it yet as I want to see more of their messages as i knw he will not be honest with me as to the extent of what they were chatting about. We have a family gathering coming up in approx a week and a half do I want to see how they behave in front of one another.
I don't know what the point of this post is i guess I just want some moral support and advice. Am I exaggerating or am I right to be this upset. I dnt want to talk to any friends or family about this atleast not right now. Also sorry for the super long read.

Has your brother told you he's gay or is all this coming from his wife? Why would she want to stay married to him?

Your husband and your SIL are at the very least having a serious emotional affair - it wouldn't surprise me at all if it was physical if she's lining him up as a replacement.

Why the need to know “how far he’ll go”? He’s already cheating on you. Secrecy, flirting, etc. What difference does it make if they actually have sex? He’s investing energy which should be invested into your relationship, outside your relationship, and this isn’t even the first time he’s tried it.

What you actually need to decide is whether you went to try to keep him, or not, because that will determine what you do about this. If you want to keep him then a difficult conversation needs to be had and SIL needs to become someone he no longer sees or speaks to (shouldn’t be hard given she won’t be your SIL much longer by the sound of it). If you don’t want to keep him then see a solicitor to find out the likely financial position on divorce and keep your powder dry with him until you’re ready to push the button.

Anyone else confused 🤣

Wtf! What a dripfeed. So he's a cheating twat regardless of your Sil. Why are you staying with him?

Yes! Op has a “good marriage” but her husband is messaging random women on fb asking for their number? I am definitely confused.

Why are you standing for this shit??? Just because it’s fake accounts, he’s still looking!!

Sorry op but your husband is a cheat. Even worse so is he’s trying to cheat with your sil.

@Maria123123123123 we know he’s actively trying to cheat on you with other women on fb and something dodgy is going on with ur sil. What do you want? Do u want to stay with him?

He just gonna lie or minimise though and where will that leave the OP?

Trust your instincts

What would a bad marriage be, OP? Smacking you over the head with a spade and burying you under the patio???

@S0j0urn4r haha sorry but this made me laugh.

I don’t think I’d tell him yet - he will deny or be soo apologetic , silly mistake, all instigated by SIL, please forgive him bla bla.
i would watch and wait a bit longer but it does look as if SIL is looking for a replacement.

you need to give yourself time to think of what you want to happen.

Thanks for all ur replies guys I really appreciate it. You've made realise how delulu I've been. I suppose I was just ignoring his mistakes and focusing only on the good parts. But i can't ignore this.

If you set up the Snapchat account for him do you remember the login details? Login on your phone so you can catch the msgs first and see what’s being said.
Also if her Snapchat name is a man’s name does that not mean that she’s hiding her real name? Not that dh saving under a different name?
I hope you’re ok! X

This woman is married to your brother? Have you spoken to him about your concerns?

that aside, this is an emotional affair with conscious intent

Based on your updates it seems like you H is out to cheat (if not physically then sexting/online). Nothing you have seen so far with SIL is explicit and as far as you know she may not be hiding their interactions like he is.

Not sure how Snapchat works exactly but I think people can send a photo to multiple people so it may be a bit like instagram stories? If she is a big user of Snapchat but he only uses it to communicate with her I can see that he would hide that to cover his tracks.

Clearly your SIL is feeling vulnerable and he knows she will be primed for some male attention and this could go wrong very quick.

Because of this I would talk to SIL and confide in her about his FB discretions. Tell him you think he does the same thing with Snapchat. Judge her reactions. Ask if she ever hears from him on Snapchat. Hopefully her reactions will tell you a lot. It will also let her know he is a scumbag and she’s not special. Hopefully that will nip it in the bud.

But regardless you still have a major Husband problem.

@JJxxxxx hi the actual username is that of my SIL but its been saved as a man's name if that makes sense. I dnt remember if I made his account tbh it was many years ago also if I login it will log him out.

@ochreraven this is a good idea. I may try this xx

I will try to keep u updated as to what goes on further x
Its helped me so much talking it out with u all x

You don’t want him to be on Snapchat or FB messaging other women, so the most straightforward thing to do is say ‘I want you to stop messaging Brenda on Snapchat. No asking, no finding evidence, one sentence.

That’s not going to make him stop and be a good husband from now on though….

After disclosing his FB discretions I would lay it out like this.

OP: I’m worried he’s doing the same thing with Snapchat as he’s very secretive on it and I can tell he’s speaking to multiple women. I don’t even know how it works though it might be innocent. Do you have Snapchat?

if she says no, end the conversation. She’s lying so nothing more to learn, you know what you need to.

SIL: Yes

OP: oh right do you have my H on it? Does he ever post on there?

again if she says no end conversation

SIL: Yes sometimes.

OP: Oh maybe it’s innocent then. What types of things is he sending? How often does he contact you.

if she confirms what you know to to be true I would be inclined to believe her. If she lies then she’s likely minimising because she knows their level of contact is inappropriate. She might give him a heads up but he can hardly confront you as he would have to admit being sneaky and lying. Regardless his behaviour is untrustworthy and I would seriously consider if this is a man you want in your life even if his attempts to cheat have been unsuccessful. The intent is there.

Good luck. Keep us updated.

This sounds very suspicious but I think you’re right to wait until you have proof. It’ll come in time. Sorry op but I don’t think this looks good at all.