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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband secretly chatting to SIL

216 replies

Maria123123123123 · 26/05/2025 14:58

My husband and I have been married for soon to be 10 years now. We have a 2 year old and a 5 month old. I noticed my husband started using Snapchat and was sending messages to one of his best friends who he normally talks to on watsapp every day. Naturally I was confused because he was still talking to this friend on watsapp so why he is also talking to him on snap. My husband doesnt even ever use Snapchat he made an account but never uses it. I clicked on the account and the username was that of my SILs(brothers wife). I was literally shaking why has he saved my sisters in law contact under a man's name. Unfortunately the chat is set to delete messages after viewing, so there's no way of me seeing previous messages or current convos.
The way i see it is the fact that they're being so secretive shows their intentions are not good, this includes:
Talking on Snapchat and not Watsapp as less likely for messages to be seen.
He's saved her contact under a man's name.
She changed the setting on the chat to delete after viewing (I'm assuming it was her anyway as my husband doesnt really use snap so he wouldnt knw to do that)
Also a few days after I had discovered this whole thing I noticed he had 'hidden' the Snapchat app so the icon is no longer there you have to physically search for it.
I discovered this whole thing on 16th may and the chat showed that they had a 5 day streak so I'm assuming that's how long they had been talking for.
Whenever I get the chance I check if any message has come through so I can look at it by half swiping or seeing what message he has sent( if she hadn't already opened it by then). I've managed to see snaps where it's just a pic of her in car on way to work - not a selfie but just of the road. Which fair enough is harmless. A few days in between I wasn't able to check any messages as he was working long shifts. Any chance i got i kept an eye him when hes on his phone and noticed that hes constanrly opening snapchat to see if any messges have gone through. Anyway a week later on the 25th I saw she had sent him a selfie. I mean what is she hoping to gain from sending a selfie of course she's looking for him to compliment her. I don't knw what he replied to that but I'm pretty sure he'd complimented it. He was working late so I couldn't see any more messages. Then today (26 may) I saw he has sent her a snap but obviously I couldn't see what of, but he also sent a message saying 'for you'.
My mind is going crazy I feel sick, this isn't just a normal convo they're having they're obviously flirting with each other. I can't believe they would do this to me if this was a stranger on the Internet then I'd be more forgiving but this is family it's my SIL. I've always liked my SIL, I enjoy her company.
My heart is broken. The thing is my husband and I have never had problems in our marriage we got on well, flirt with each other and out intimate regularly. We always apologise to each other if we knw we've upset the other. Overall out marriage is good. So why? Why has he done this to me. I don't want to confront him about it yet as I want to see more of their messages as i knw he will not be honest with me as to the extent of what they were chatting about. We have a family gathering coming up in approx a week and a half do I want to see how they behave in front of one another.
I don't know what the point of this post is i guess I just want some moral support and advice. Am I exaggerating or am I right to be this upset. I dnt want to talk to any friends or family about this atleast not right now. Also sorry for the super long read.

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 25/06/2025 20:28

Make sure those screenshots are backed up on multiple places and password protected.

Tell your brother and send him the screenshots you have. He deserves to know. What he does with that knowledge is up to him.

Your husband is lying to you and gaslighting you. Time to take steps to leave your marriage. He's betrayed you in multiple ways and you can never trust him again, that you know for sure. Without trust, you don't have any foundation for a relationship.

DontBeBlueBeARainbow · 25/06/2025 20:55

You don't know his permission to end the relationship.
You have seen what's been going on with your own eyes and the fact that he thinks nothing is wrong with it tells you everything you need to know.

Zanatdy · 25/06/2025 20:57

Just end it. You’ve seen with your own eyes what’s going on, and it’s disgusting how they are colluding to try and cover tracks. Go and see your brother, and show him the evidence.

WalkingaroundJardine · 25/06/2025 21:23

Wow, you poor thing. He absolutely insults your intelligence with the excuse that he was on a personal mission to expose false FB accounts. No one has the time for that!

You don’t need a reason or evidence to end the relationship at all in fact. In your shoes I would simply say “I have lost trust and confidence in you as a faithful partner”. This is your truth and it’s time to believe what you have seen until now but have pushed away, hoping that it would somehow work out.

SamDeanCas · 25/06/2025 22:32

Just tell him that you’ve screen shot the messages and if it’s all as innocent as he says it is, neither of them will have a problem with you sending the screenshots to her husband/partner.

Original poster
Maria123123123123 · 26/06/2025 10:34

I showed him the screenshots last night and he just went quiet for the longest time.Then he hugged me and apologised and cried and I cried and I just kept asking him why, why did he do this if it was a stranger I would be open to forgiveness but my own SIL, this is such a big betrayal. And then he started smacking himself really hard and he kept telling me to hit him to punish him. And I said the biggest punishment is for me to not forgive u and not talk to u but he just kept begging for forgiveness, saying all this time in our marriage this is my first and last mistake. I said yes but this is not just a small mistake it's a massive mistake how can u just expect me to forgive you. He kept saying I don't knw why I did this im so stupid I'm horrible and just continued to smack himself and fell on the floor and begged me, kissed my feet. In the end I said OK I forgive u because he just wouldn't stop then at some point we just fell asleep.
I know he meant everything he said last night but the truth is I don't know how I'm meant to get past this. Forgiveness is one thing but how do i forget. Whenever his words to her cross my mind, whenever I think about the time i spent with them and how they knw they were cheating me, whenever I think about all the messages i never saw my heart hurts so much. I already feel like I'm not pretty enough like other girls but now even more so my self esteem has been affected. when I look at myself I feel gross, I must be gross if he took such a massive risk to be with her. I find me comparing myself to her. I feel so embarrassed, the times I was with her she must have been looking at me thinking 'ha look at her, her husbands not even interested in her he wants me' i dunno something like that.
I can't leave him we have 2 small children together and I can't imagine my life without him. Im just so broken. And he expects me to be normal with him. He said he wants his old wife back. Well i want my old husband back the one that didn't cheat on me.

OP posts:
Hayley1256 · 26/06/2025 12:02

I don't see how you can get past this! I knownots hard to think a out separating but your children will be better off with a happy confident mum. Sorry if I've missed this but does his brother know - assuming his brother is your SILs DH?

CustardCreamm · 26/06/2025 12:10

Sorry OP but this doesn't look good.

CustardCreamm · 26/06/2025 12:18

Ah just read your update - there would be no going back for me on this. To cheat with a stranger is one thing, but family?! I'd never be able to trust him again.

OP I've been there before and it does seem daunting at first, but it will work out and you'll be happier for your children, and eventually you'll meet someone who adores the ground you walk on and won't treat you like this.

Good luck x

CustardCreamm · 26/06/2025 12:18

Ah just read your update - there would be no going back for me on this. To cheat with a stranger is one thing, but family?! I'd never be able to trust him again.

OP I've been there before and it does seem daunting at first, but it will work out and you'll be happier for your children, and eventually you'll meet someone who adores the ground you walk on and won't treat you like this.

Good luck x

SamDeanCas · 26/06/2025 12:21

Your old husband didn’t exist (he just hid his true self), your husband cheats, end of.

Just because you have young dc doesn’t mean you have to stay married.

leopardprint17 · 26/06/2025 12:32

Good luck, you're gonna need it!

outerspacepotato · 26/06/2025 12:39

Your old husband was a fiction.

This is what you have. A lying manipulative cheater. He's also very opportunistic as you said he was messaging randos then turned to SIL when those didn't work out for sex. This is not just a one time thing, it's been going on for a period of time. He hid her number under another name. He deliberately gaslit you until you had proof, then he pulled out a dramatic scene with self harm to get you to say you forgave him. He sounds very calculating.

I would tell him you need space and that he should go to his parents' for a while and book individual therapy. With him self harming, I would worry about him doing this around your kids. Is there anyone in your family that you can ask for support right now?

You said your SIL confided in you about their marriage. Are you sure she wasn't lying to you? I wouldn't trust one word either of those two told you. They are practiced liars. Even if what she said was true, I would still send your bro the screenshots. He deserves to know his wife is capable of busting up your family.

NortieTortie · 26/06/2025 12:40

My god what a pathetic little man
I really don't know how you could consider staying with him, small children or no. Even the idea makes my skin crawl 🤢 how can you stand to look at him?

FluentAquaMoose · 26/06/2025 12:45

CustardCreamm · 26/06/2025 12:18

Ah just read your update - there would be no going back for me on this. To cheat with a stranger is one thing, but family?! I'd never be able to trust him again.

OP I've been there before and it does seem daunting at first, but it will work out and you'll be happier for your children, and eventually you'll meet someone who adores the ground you walk on and won't treat you like this.

Good luck x

This. He isn't going to change sweetie.

Your SIL is as much to blame too. You'll never go over the both of them gaslighting you. Can't you tell your brother? Your SIL deserves to experience the hurt that she has caused too. I might have been just an emotional affair but they were sending pictures etc!!!

You will be ok you know. As hard as it seems now, you will be ok. x

Anonusername1234 · 26/06/2025 12:57

‘I know he meant everything he said last night’

i mean this really gently but he does not mean everything he said, otherwise he would not have cheated with your SIL. He is upset because he has been caught and is desperately trying to control the narrative. He is limiting damage for himself. I am not saying that he won’t become remorseful at some point I’m saying that does not happen immediately on discovery. He has been feeding off these interactions for some time and will be ‘hooked’.

Do not trust him.

Tell. Your. Brother.

it’s so utterly unfair that he does not know.

Gonk123 · 26/06/2025 13:06

If you can’t leave him expect more of the same as time goes by…sup to you. V sad that you are in this position.

recipientofraspberries · 26/06/2025 13:09

The meltdown he had wasn't genuine. He was freaking out because he's been caught. Smacking himself and kissing your feet and asking you to hit him is an insanely immature response that reeks of him just being scared he's fucked his own life up.

OP, it's up to you what you do, but don't kid yourself that he was showing remorse and regret last night. He was just having a meltdown because he's been caught out. He has treated you like shit, risked his entire family life, and here you are worried that YOU can't break up the family because of the kids. It's him who has done that, not you!! You didn't cheat, did you? He did.

AncoraAmarena · 26/06/2025 13:13

It wasn't his first mistake, was it? You said he has been messaging women on Facebook. It would have been game over for me at that point.

All that bullshit from him last night was panic because he'd been caught out. Kissing your feet? What an utter twat.

You don't want to split up as you have two young children? So fucking what? Plenty of women leave every day in far worse circumstances, myself included.

He wants his old wife back - haha. As soon as he thinks he's got another chance he will be back to his own tricks, only a bit cleverer next time so that it takes you a while to find out. You need to put your big girl pants on and deal with this once and for all otherwise you will be back here again in a few months, if not weeks.

PizzaSophiaLoren · 26/06/2025 13:15

I think you know Op.
You should speak to your brother about it first.

Doseofreality · 26/06/2025 13:18

I’d leave him solely for dropping to the floor and kissing my feet.

RandomWordsThrownTogether · 26/06/2025 13:20

You know he was messaging girls on facebook. You know he has been messaging your SIL for a long period of time and put a lot of thought into how to hide it - name changes, snapchat and conversations on Whatsapp about deleting messages. You know he asked your SIL for pictures of her boobs and god knows what else. I can guarantee you he didn’t wake up one morning and suddenly become a cheater, I doubt she is the first and she will no doubt not be the last.

I would gather all financial documents and have a chat with a lawyer just to see what you would be entitled to and what supports would be in place if you were to leave. Get your ducks in a row just so you have options. Your SIL is currently in a vulnerable position and did a crappy thing but your husband is the main culprit here - she is not a temptress who lead him astray, he was already seeking out women online. If it wasn’t her it would be someone else and there probably have already been many someone elses!

Meandmyguy · 26/06/2025 13:25

Are you very young?

You seem very passive and an absolute pushover.

commonsense61 · 26/06/2025 13:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

BeesAndCrumpets · 26/06/2025 13:39

I mean this with kindness, OP:

Get your shit together. GET IT TOGETHER. You need to leave this shit of a man ASAP.

This it diverting your attention away from your kids and will consume you. He is not worth it.

Ask him to leave. He isn't sorry. Only sorry he got caught. He will be like this always.