Husband secretly chatting to SIL

[Maria123123123123]

My husband and I have been married for soon to be 10 years now. We have a 2 year old and a 5 month old. I noticed my husband started using Snapchat and was sending messages to one of his best friends who he normally talks to on watsapp every day. Naturally I was confused because he was still talking to this friend on watsapp so why he is also talking to him on snap. My husband doesnt even ever use Snapchat he made an account but never uses it. I clicked on the account and the username was that of my SILs(brothers wife). I was literally shaking why has he saved my sisters in law contact under a man's name. Unfortunately the chat is set to delete messages after viewing, so there's no way of me seeing previous messages or current convos.
The way i see it is the fact that they're being so secretive shows their intentions are not good, this includes:
Talking on Snapchat and not Watsapp as less likely for messages to be seen.
He's saved her contact under a man's name.
She changed the setting on the chat to delete after viewing (I'm assuming it was her anyway as my husband doesnt really use snap so he wouldnt knw to do that)
Also a few days after I had discovered this whole thing I noticed he had 'hidden' the Snapchat app so the icon is no longer there you have to physically search for it.
I discovered this whole thing on 16th may and the chat showed that they had a 5 day streak so I'm assuming that's how long they had been talking for.
Whenever I get the chance I check if any message has come through so I can look at it by half swiping or seeing what message he has sent( if she hadn't already opened it by then). I've managed to see snaps where it's just a pic of her in car on way to work - not a selfie but just of the road. Which fair enough is harmless. A few days in between I wasn't able to check any messages as he was working long shifts. Any chance i got i kept an eye him when hes on his phone and noticed that hes constanrly opening snapchat to see if any messges have gone through. Anyway a week later on the 25th I saw she had sent him a selfie. I mean what is she hoping to gain from sending a selfie of course she's looking for him to compliment her. I don't knw what he replied to that but I'm pretty sure he'd complimented it. He was working late so I couldn't see any more messages. Then today (26 may) I saw he has sent her a snap but obviously I couldn't see what of, but he also sent a message saying 'for you'.
My mind is going crazy I feel sick, this isn't just a normal convo they're having they're obviously flirting with each other. I can't believe they would do this to me if this was a stranger on the Internet then I'd be more forgiving but this is family it's my SIL. I've always liked my SIL, I enjoy her company.
My heart is broken. The thing is my husband and I have never had problems in our marriage we got on well, flirt with each other and out intimate regularly. We always apologise to each other if we knw we've upset the other. Overall out marriage is good. So why? Why has he done this to me. I don't want to confront him about it yet as I want to see more of their messages as i knw he will not be honest with me as to the extent of what they were chatting about. We have a family gathering coming up in approx a week and a half do I want to see how they behave in front of one another.
I don't know what the point of this post is i guess I just want some moral support and advice. Am I exaggerating or am I right to be this upset. I dnt want to talk to any friends or family about this atleast not right now. Also sorry for the super long read.

He really is extremely manipulative and I don’t believe his regret is genuine. He doesn’t care he’s hurt you. He cares that he’s no longer seen as a good husband and there could be consequences. He’s making himself the victim in order to avoid real accountability.

You need to sit him down and tell him to listen to you if he wants to continue the relationship. Ask him not to speak until you are finished. Tell him he manipulated into saying you forgive him because you don’t want him to harm himself. That doesn’t mean the conversation is over. You have agreed to attempt to rebuild the relationship but so far he has done nothing to regain your trust. If he isn’t willing to do the work then you don’t have a relationship because your old relationship was blown up by his actions. Tell him it will be hard work for you to be able to trust him and be happy again. Is this work he willing to do? This puts the responsibility back on him.

Once he has accepted he needs to do what is necessary, lay out your non-negotiables which include telling you all the details, without any more lies. He needs to understand if you find out he has lied at a later date then the relationship doesn’t have a chance.

You are the wronged party here yet you seem worried about bringing it up. Ask yourself is this relationship really worth it? Do you believe he has your best interests at heart? You may not be in the right mental state or financial position to leave right now but do you really want to put genuine effort into this man who has shown you how easily he can destroy everything you have built. Maybe it’s better to start emotionally detaching, imagining your life without him and planning for that over the next few years.

Don't be sorry about taking back the 'I forgive you'. Take is back. Own it.

He doesn't deserve it. Your piece of mind is worth 1000x more than his!

OP, this is an abusive relationship. He lies, minimizes and then makes himself the victim with his tears and hitting himself. What has he done to change? Is he in therapy? Are you? Couples counseling? Has he cut her off? Do you have complete transparency with phones? Have you told your family and friends so it is all out in the open? Have you started the conversation about divorce with him and seen a solicitor? Has anything happened at all so he knows this is completely unacceptable and you aren't a doormat? I am guessing none of the above. He just cried and begged and all is forgiven. That is typical behavior of an abusive spouse.

In actuality he has done nothing and has gotten away with it. He will know there are no repercussions and will do it again. He is not a remorseful man. He didn't come clean, he lied over and over again. This is not the foundation of a good marriage. And you will find yourself in the same place dealing with his cheating over and over. And I would guess she isn't the first either. This level of deceit doesn't just appear out of nowhere. He has shown he has form for it. Why would you ever trust him again?

You may feel like you can't live without him, but he clearly can without you. He showed you that by throwing away your marriage to sext your SIL. Or he knows that no matter what he does that you will just take it. He thinks you are weak and won't do anything. His behavior clearly shows he doesn't think he owes you any respect at all. Find your own self respect OP. He blatantly disrespected you and you are just taking it. Don't live a life of anxiety and regret over this man. You deserve better than this sad little cheating man.

I'm assuming you don't have a big bday coming up that they might be planning a surprise for?

@Unexpectedlysinglemum he’s cheating with her, read the thread.

@Maria123123123123 you have EVERY right to withdraw the ‘forgiveness’. Find your anger. Tell him very VERY calmly and coldly that you were in shock, traumatised and that his begging and self harm threw you and was highly manipulative. Tell him you have no intention of forgiving him just yet and that this is going to be a long process of him digging deep to prove to you that he can be remotely trusted. Then read the resources I posted you too. He is NOT sorry. He is NOT remorseful. He IS unsafe.

But time is on your side to process, watch and wait.

Personally I’d get rid of this nasty man but I get your thought process and why you want to stay. But right now back away and get some emotional distance to figure out what is best for you in the long term and watch his actions.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum he asked his SIL to send him a picture of her boobs for starters. They are having an affair. Read the ops posts at least before commenting!

Definitely tell him you don't forgive him, but you felt you had to say that as he kept harming himself so it was impossible to have a serious conversation with him.

He needs to understand that it isn’t as simple as him apologising and flinging himself on the floor crying.

I would tell him you are working on the two of you rebuilding your marriage, and that you are prepared to forgive. However to rebuild trust and communication you need to have a deeper conversation.

And tell him that that starts with listening to everything you have to say and answering all your questions with complete honesty and openness.

And ask him those questions, how and why did it start etc. Listen to him with openness, talk about everything, about what it means to be a team caring for each other, caring for a family, your children.

Tell him if he doesn’t know why he did it he won’t be able to stop himself falling into the same behaviour again.

etc.

Good luck OP.

My husband was chatting with 1 woman (so he said) on tiktok he originally told me about her casually then he was constantly on his phone, changed his password and quickly hid his phone screen from me as I got close to the chair. I had a rant about his secretive behaviour and paying no attention to our grandchildren. I told him it's disrespectful to me he apologised apparently deleted tiktok ( I think he's just removed the icon) I don't trust him but he thinks i should forget about it as " there was nothing sexual" I know you can bring up all messages on tiktok and told him to do this to prove he's not lying as I 100% think he is) says he can't remember his password to go on it, what should I do or.how to.deal with it

@Freemindbekind you need to start your own thread.

You’ll get lots of support.

not this agan"

says it all doesnt he je just wants it brished under the carpet doesnt he and to become the victim

Absolute doormat

Its very simple, he is upset because he was caught.

He enjoys the attention. He will be much more careful going forward. He doesn't care about you.

When your emotions are settled down, think about whether you would want your kids to go through this- so why should you?

For your piece of mind, start collecting documents; proof of earning, deeds etc.. so if you do split up you will be able to prove your financial situation. I would also go to a family lawyer so you are one step ahead. If it happens again it will be so much easier to see that you derserve at least the basic level of respect and will have a solid foundation of which to move forward with.

Best of luck.

He's cheating. The end. Has he actually had sex with her/them yet or not? Doesn't matter, that was always the plan. Go to chumplady.com he will lie and try to DARVO you. He is a liar who cannot be trusted. Dump him or stay and continue to be cheated on, those are your only two options.

I'm sorry he has chosen to betray you.

I would ask them in front of everyone why they are snapchatting daily and deleting their chats and why she sends him selfies everyday.

That's fair, her partner deserves to know she is a cheat as well and she should take no blame for the breakdown of the relationshipo.

After that though, she should simply dump him, and block him and only talk to him through a parenting app.

how we can move on from this

Mate, you're married to a man who has no respect for you and your marriage. He chases skirt all over the place and has been doing it for years, he's having an affair with your sister-in-law and he lies like a pro if you ask awkward questions.

There are two ways to move on from this:

1. Decide you are happy to be his stooge, ignore all his playing away and hope he doesn't dump you for one of the other women.
2. Quietly ensure you have all the financial information, including the secret accounts he doesn't tell you about and his pension & other investments, then hand him your divorce petition.

Take your pick. Hint: if you go for option 1, it will end badly for you.

Agreed. I don't mean a sloppy drunken accusation either. I'd go for the clear and direct questioning.
"While I've got you two here, mind explaining why you secretly message eachother, send selfies to each other and then delete your messages daily? Is it an affair then or still at the flirtation stage?"

He still doesn't get it. You need to tell him it's going to take time. You CAN'T go straight back as if nothing happened. And tell him if he were truly sorry, he would understand that it will take time for things to go back to where they were. Maybe even marriage counselling? If he doesn't understand that, then he was not truly sorry at all. One would think he'd be too ashamed that he'd have so much chutzpah to expect everything to be normal as if it didn't happen. He should be on his best behaviour, remorseful and give you space and time. Expecting sex makes him to be an unrepentant bastard. He's gone some NERVE!!

Being forgiven doesn't mean you don't expect to be punished or there to no making it up to you. It doesn't mean things go straight back to as if it didn't happen.

All that performative self-flagellating and begging is just for show. He isn't sorry at all, he just wants you to shut up and expects there to be no consequences for his actions. Very soon, he will be saying that he's the victim here, that it's all your fault and why can't you just move on.

What he did was a massive betrayal and he lied to you until the evidence was overwhelming and he could no longer deny it.

Do you really want to stay in this marriage with this pathetic, disloyal, cheating man?

I'd say you staying with him is telling him you forgive him 🙄

He's done it more than once before, so don't be surprised and come crying here when it happens again.

I'm so sorry. I totally understand the feelings of hurt and the desperation of wanting to cling on to your normal life. But honestly, please get things in order and be prepared to leave at some point because I can say with confidence he will absolutely do something like this to you again. And in the meantime this will eat away at you until you can't even stand to look at him any more.

As a side note, him refusing to actually talk about it and instead choosing to cry and hit himself so that you'll feel sorry for him is emotional manipulation. He's not a good person at all.

And yep this too. Eventually the crying will stop. He'll start rolling his eyes when you bring it up and then he'll moan that you can't get over it and you're 'like a broken record'. And then somehow it'll be all your fault that the relationship isn't working, because you keep 'dragging the past up instead of moving forward'.

Why do they all have the same bullshit script 🙄