Marriage fine but fucked. Stuck.

[Herecomesthe]

I’m crying this morning and have been so down the past couple of weeks.

My marriage is fine. I’m 44, married 14 years to a man I’ve been with since 21. DDs 12 and 10. He‘s kind, earns well, does more than his fair share of house and kids stuff.

But…

I am not sexually attracted to him any more in the least. There is no spark, no passion. I find so many of the little things he does incredibly irritating. The way he eats, the way he says certain words, how he overuses the same jokey expressions again and again. Tiny, inconsequential things that drive me mad. We used to joke about how annoying his dad is (lovely man but so annoying on so many micro levels). I can see my DH turning into his father before my eyes.

I’m not perfect. He may well be similarly irritated with me, but we stopped having proper conversations many years ago. It’s entirely functional now, and whilst we occasionally make each other laugh and have fun with friends it is becoming more and more difficult to feel alive.

I love and respect him. We have built a life. Things are totally fine. Calm for the kids, who we both love deeply. But at the same time, I feel completely trapped. I desperately want to be in a different kind of relationship, one where there is complete dedication and unconditional love, where I’d run through fire just for a hug with someone.

We never have sex but it’s not sex I want more of. It’s passion and total dedication. I want to wake up in the morning and want to spend every second next to someone just to hear what they say next. I want to pamper and treat someone because I adore them. When I think about doing those things with DH it makes me feel queasy. He’s like a brother now.

I have thought about leaving. But it would be awful on the kids, financially ruinous (if affordable at all) and would I even get what I need afterwards anyway? But I feel so trapped. I am really feeling it this week. Like the rest of my life is just this.

i see some of my divorced friends. New partner, financially sorted, and I am so so jealous. They look at my marriage and think it’s perfect. But here I am in tears.

Imagine how bloody awful must be for your children op

and hopefully that will galvanise you

“It would be awful on the kids”

This is awful on the kids”

You might not get the ‘run through fire for a hug’ thing next time round. Not after a few years, anyway. That fades. But you’ll hopefully get someone with whom you enjoy living, instead of being driven mad by everything he says and does.

There’s a middle ground, OP!

I’ve been where you are (without the love and respect, tbh) and it was when I started feeling envious when I heard about people divorcing that I knew it was over.

I think you need a proper conversation with your husband.

Could be peri menopause I went a bit nuts and off DH for a couple of years when I was 48. Fortunately I was up to my eyeballs in work and other stuff so was very occupied. Now it’s over I look back and think what a complete disaster it could have been. I have a lot of divorced friends, 2 are miserably single and fucked financially. Three are currently divorcing, jury still out as they are in the middle of awful divorces. I had no idea they could take so long. Two of these divorces have been going on for almost 2 years.

I look at my friends who divorced with kids your kids ages and see financial ruin. Lots of charming men who turned out to dick heads who either never had no kids so turned out to be man baby's living with family still past 50 or had a string of kids they no longer see because there exs are "crazy".

Let's just say there's lots of dubious men out there in the dating pool. You would need to kiss some frogs.

Sounds like you’ve been reading to many romance novels.

I know that the divorce process would be horrible for all sorts of reasons. But I find myself fantasising all the time about having the money to buy my own place round the corner, just so that I can escape but not be far from the kids.

I would honestly love him to have an affair so that we could split and it would be his fault!

It’s not that I’m irritated by everything he does. He is great a lot of the time, and very supportive of me. But our marriage has become two co-parenting housemates living the same dull week over and over. My friends have suggested things like going away for the weekend alone but I dread the thought of having to have sex with him if we did, or for us not to and it just being obviously this missing thing that normal couples would do.

Total dedication is surely building a life together, committing to a shared vision and trusting each other with each other to do the best for the family you've built. I'd try to rebuild the passion and have some honest conversations before divorcing if he's fundamentally a decent man and partner

I don't think the OP's situation sounds awful for the kids from what she describes.

At the moment it sounds like you are thinking do we break up now or stay together forever. Maybe it would be helpful to approach it as a wait and see thing. If you don't break up now it doesn't necessarily mean you have to stay together forever. Maybe you wait til the children are a bit older or until you've saved some money.

In the meantime you could look to make your life more exciting in a different way. Take up a new hobby or something.

The crying this morning and being very down in recent weeks…. How has your husband responded?

and don’t you think your children haven’t noticed and are anxious what the heck is going on. Acutely aware of the atmosphere between their parents? How can you think this is prreferable?

their mother has been crying all morning
their mother has been so down in recent weeks

They don’t ever see their parents have a proper conversation together; to laugh together; to be affectionate

their mother is utterly infuriated by their father

This is so common amongst my friends at the moment. Similar age, DC becoming more independent and so need you less. They’re all looking around and thinking - is this it?! Two are now divorcing. Many are very much take it or leave it and the ones who stay do so for financial reasons. I think it’s a combo of the perimenopause/ menopause and generally women not needing a man anymore! If you think you can have a better life single, you probably can!

Thanks.

Yes the kids have no idea. We never argue, and they have a home that’s fun and a very active life with two supportive parents. They can’t read my mind.

I have thought about waiting til the kids are grown before making any dramatic moves. That obviously would be better for them and for rme financially. The thought of a ‘second chance’ is alluring though. By the time I’m 55 that’s ten years less to enjoy the second chance.

I desperately want to be in a different kind of relationship, one where there is complete dedication and unconditional love, …

personally I don’t think this exists in adult relationships. You’ve promised something unconditional to your husband, yet you’re placing conditions on it by contemplating leaving because of his quirks and turning into his father. If you want unconditional, this is it - the good and the bad, and it goes two ways. Do you want unconditional, or do you not?

I think your 40s are when you kind of take stock and go "Is this it? Is this my life? Is this who I want to spend the next half of my life with?"

Your kids are a bit more independent and you have more time to think.

New Relationship Energy (the infatuation stage) doesn't last forever, so I'm not sure a new relationship would solve your issue in the long run.

Maybe concentrate on doing more for yourself to make you happy now, and maybe try relationship counselling to see if you could rebuild your connection with your dh?

Then if you're still not happy, at least you'll have tried all angles.

You honestly think a 10 and 12 year old have “no idea” that their parents never have a “proper conversation”. Never laugh together. Never display any affection towards one another. And that their mother seems very irritated by their father. And has even spent bank hol Monday morning crying

With respect, your multiple comments misrepresent my home life so are unhelpful.

We never have sex but it’s not sex I want more of. It’s passion and total dedication. I want to wake up in the morning and want to spend every second next to someone just to hear what they say next. I want to pamper and treat someone because I adore them.

Oh gosh. I don’t think this is ever the reality of a long term marriage (and I say this as someone who is very happily married indeed!). My biggest piece of advice would be to be realistic. The life you describe above is a bit of a pipe dream (as a pp said, like a romance novel!). Think carefully about what your life will actually be like without him versus how it is now. Can you have a conversation with him - even a jokey one along the lines of “oh God, Mike, you’re turning into your dad! Let’s do x, y and z and shake things up a bit round here!”. It does sound like you’re in a bit of rut rather than anything else.

Exactly the dating pool isn’t kind to anyone right now but especially women over a certain age and with children too.

Lots of love bombers and emotionally avoidant men out there. And then there’s the complications of blending families if the man has kids too - unless you plan to have a totally separate relationship and not introduce him to your kids

If you want to leave and be single that’s one thing Op, but don’t necessarily expect you’re going to easily find that love you want or you may be disappointed .

Sex is easy to find as a woman but that kind of love that is passionate AND enduring which you’re describing - not so much.

I don’t know anyone who has a relationship like you want, particularly after years together and two DC, and I don’t think long term adult relationships should be like that. Sounds more like infatuation than love. Even if that is what you want the chances of finding it in the cess pit that is dating in your 40’s is vanishingly small, particularly when you throw in having to consider DC.

That said, no one should stay in a relationship that they are not happy in. You need to talk to your DH properly and see if it can be revived and if not leave. But don’t do it on the basis that your dream relationship is waiting for you.

It’s trying to convey to you that thinking you are staying in the best interests of your children is patently…. Well, not in their best interests.

what kind of an example of a marriage will they emerge into adult with?

This.

Because I am not convinced this is realistic/ exists
I dont know ANYONE with this kind of relationship

It’s passion and total dedication. I want to wake up in the morning and want to spend every second next to someone just to hear what they say next. I want to pamper and treat someone because I adore them.

The fact after 2 children and x many years you still respect him and think he is a good guy says a lot.
Many many people are critically and bitterly failed by their spouses in tough times... sounds like he hasn't done this and is a good partner

It sounds like you want a break from your life and not just your husband. When you say you want a place that's not too far from the children etc...
It does sound a bit like you're depressed and that you're fantasising about an unrealistic and idealistic kind of romance. I'm not judging, by the way- I think that this happens to many, many women at some point.
I'd be worried that if you leave (and make life practically more complicated and difficult for the family) you might find yourself still feeling a bit crappy but with all the problems and guilt of divorcing a good man.

I thought this too. All marriages involve two annoying parties, ie humans.

If you don't even want to cuddle/hug perhaps you have lost too much love for this marriage to be fair on anyone any longer. But I would urge you to be a bit more realistic about what might come next if you split. Which may be singledom. At best would probably be a relationship with a middle aged man (who as well as having hairy ears and odd fussinesses and slovenlinesses, may well have children of his own)

It could be more rewarding than where you are now, sure, but there will still be mornings where the first thing he says is not a pearl of insightful wisdom or a declaration of his enduring love but an observation that his back is stiff or his nose is blocked.

I suppose the difference might be you feel sympathetic or calmly tune it rather than wanting to run screaming from the room.