Marriage fine but fucked. Stuck.

[Herecomesthe]

I’m crying this morning and have been so down the past couple of weeks.

My marriage is fine. I’m 44, married 14 years to a man I’ve been with since 21. DDs 12 and 10. He‘s kind, earns well, does more than his fair share of house and kids stuff.

But…

I am not sexually attracted to him any more in the least. There is no spark, no passion. I find so many of the little things he does incredibly irritating. The way he eats, the way he says certain words, how he overuses the same jokey expressions again and again. Tiny, inconsequential things that drive me mad. We used to joke about how annoying his dad is (lovely man but so annoying on so many micro levels). I can see my DH turning into his father before my eyes.

I’m not perfect. He may well be similarly irritated with me, but we stopped having proper conversations many years ago. It’s entirely functional now, and whilst we occasionally make each other laugh and have fun with friends it is becoming more and more difficult to feel alive.

I love and respect him. We have built a life. Things are totally fine. Calm for the kids, who we both love deeply. But at the same time, I feel completely trapped. I desperately want to be in a different kind of relationship, one where there is complete dedication and unconditional love, where I’d run through fire just for a hug with someone.

We never have sex but it’s not sex I want more of. It’s passion and total dedication. I want to wake up in the morning and want to spend every second next to someone just to hear what they say next. I want to pamper and treat someone because I adore them. When I think about doing those things with DH it makes me feel queasy. He’s like a brother now.

I have thought about leaving. But it would be awful on the kids, financially ruinous (if affordable at all) and would I even get what I need afterwards anyway? But I feel so trapped. I am really feeling it this week. Like the rest of my life is just this.

i see some of my divorced friends. New partner, financially sorted, and I am so so jealous. They look at my marriage and think it’s perfect. But here I am in tears.

Entirely fair point. Doesn’t work for everyone but OP rather than say she doesn’t like him said:

I love and respect him. We have built a life…

Not fancying someone is something that for some folk can be reignited. Mutual irritation and fantasies of a different (likely unrealistic) life, likely due to longterm functional boredom in part.

Be up to OP what she does but not dismissing or diminishing how she feels. Perfectly valid. Just pointing out that if she did want to see if they can work it out, find each other again that it’s another option worth considering.

For me a pointer is what the OP is thinking is a realistic option. I would never dismiss feelings, but having been through similar as a part of menopause, I do think it would be a good idea to be sure that the feelings are genuine feelings of the person and not....how shall I put this.....the feelings of the hormones. Of course it may not be and then the OP might choose to act on those feelings but better to find out first IMO and better to set some realistic expectations about what leaving would mean.

Ok so in your case I would 100% shell out for a good therapist- couples definitely plus your own if you can afford it. Couples therapy can be squeezed in online in the evenings if time is short or can be done face to face with a drink 'date' before/after the session. You owe this to your kids, 'lovely' husband and life you've built. Long term relationships are not exciting, they take hard work and sacrifice. I married a gorgeous sexy man I was absolutely head over heels with, amazing and perfect for me in every way. Fast forward 18 years ... I still love him and think he's great but we have 2 kids and a mortgage- life is bloody boring and mundane! We watch TV most nights on different couches while looking at our phones! Some of the things he does drive me crazy and not in a good way. BUT we've been through so much together, grown children together and built a life together. He knows me better than anyone and he's my best friend. I wouldn't throw that away in the hope of 'excitement' with another man. Not meaning to be harsh but any man you meet now your age or older will likely come with shit loads of baggage or there will be a reason they never settled down. You could spend the next 10 years sifting through crappy men.

Therapy. And read Eric Fromm The Art of Loving.

Many of the posts have said she should stay.
And why would her meeting someone again be out of reach? I left my marriage as I felt similar, I date a lot and get the new feelings which OP describes, have great sex, attraction etc. I feel alive again instead of dead inside.

I agree that that intense excitement does not last, (it can’t) but I would expect there to be some loving feelings there, even after many years.

There needs to be a bit of sparkle there.

You might not get it elsewhere and it might not ever even exist again for you, but only you can decide if you would rather take that chance or stay for the safety and security of your husband.

There is a lot to be said for a reliable and kind man, that’s rare, but if you really examine it, is he really that good? Something has happened to make you not want to be intimate with him, your body is telling you something.

There is no easy option. Nobody here knows what your life is really like so take your time. Make a decision and be confident with what your decide and give it 100%.

Good luck x x

Thank you!

I left 3 years ago - with a similar history as OP. A bit older (50+), slightly order DCs (but still living at home) and with a DH, now ex, who was great on paper. But I just didn't fancy him in the end. Intellectually, it was okay, I felt we grew apart (he still doesn't agree with that, though) and in the end he just annoyed me for no obvious reasons.

We tried couples therapy and date nights but it just wasn't there. 3 years on and I've been seeing someone for almost 2 years now - and yeah, it turns out that my sex drive is very healthy with the right person.

Compromising in a relationship is something you always have to do. But when you comprise so much that you start feeling dead inside (ie no feelings), then you have to do something about it. My only regret is that I didn't leave earlier. I'm so so happy now.

I think I’m in the reverse of your situation OP. H seems to feel like you do and seemingly wants to leave (think he’s just waiting for me to tell him to go). So to give the spin from the other side; it’s heartbreaking. I feel like he worked himself up to this point without ever talking to me and perhaps it might have been fixable earlier. I feel like he considers our relationship to be all about him and not given much thought on how his actions impact me, if that makes sense. So anyway, with this is mind I would say that there are two of you in this relationship and you need to talk to him, have the difficult conversations, possibly in counselling. Maybe you’ll separate maybe you’ll rekindle some magic but whatever happens treat him with kindness and respect, because it really really hurts.

I haven't gone back through the thread again so if I have missed a post saying simply "OP you should stay stay" then my apologies. I think that people have pointed out the cons to leaving and suggested options to consider before burning her bridges. I am glad that things went well for you but honestly your "turned out great" doesn't sound to me anything near what the OP wants her new life to be.

Sounds great to me! 😁

A lot of the thread (to me) reads like:
that’s what all marriages look like, just stay and occupy yourself elsewhere, get a hobby, make the most of it with your husband, even if you don’t fancy him, because most people don’t fancy their husbands at this age anyway. Grow up and get real.

Maybe we are not necessarily meant to be with the same person forever. A lot of us married young and without too much thought perhaps as to whether the person we ended up with ticked as many boxes as we would like.

I certainly did. I love theatre, cinema, gigs, travel and I ended up with a man who didn't enjoy any of these things it turned out. We were fine raising kids together but when that was done I was stuck with someone who didn't want to do any of the things I enjoyed.

Now I'm dating again and I know what I'm looking for. If I don't find it, well I will have had some fun along the way. I definitely no longer feel I'm sleep walking through an existence. I'm very much seizing the day and living life again.

I also love theatre, cinema , gigs and travel. Luckily so does DH. We have just got back from a fabulous 5 days in Florence. I wasn't recommending being bored all your life. I am not bored!

Just that some things OP said really do suggest peri. Classic phrases like wanting to run away.

As OP hasn't returnrd, probably we hsve overwhelmed her with our advice. No one actually knows anyone's marriage really.

That's not what I'm saying. I'm highlighting that looking for long term dedicated passion that has you walking through fire for any other person isn't a realistic expectation. The op should try to heal her marriage with a fundamentally decent bloke before breaking up her family. There's a gulf between her dream and the reality of dating and long term relationships. However you can still have a good stable partnership that's a huge asset in your life but it's not going to be fireworks and sunrises on the beach at all times. Sometimes it'll be a damp picnic in the rain but weathering the storms makes you stronger. So try talking, try bonding, try looking into your own health before giving up. If you leave then there's probably no going back so be very very sure.

while I kind of agree with you, I think that the "walking through fire" thing can and does last albeit it looks different. I know I have said this already but to my mind, Lindsay and Rob Burrow are a classic example of this. I would almost never ever say that someone should do this or that but i do think, from personal excperience, that in this case, the OP should look into what else might be causing her feelings and behaviour before she acts on them, in particular because what she wants instead seems to be so wildly unrealistic.

@godmum56 whilst I totally agree with you, I think OP is wanting out in order to find her one great ‘lifelong passionate love’ and one who feels the same about her too. now whilst it can happen, it’s a big ask - if she had said ‘I want to leave to have more fun , get more out of life and even if on my own enjoy it more’ then I would totally understand where she’s coming from - but that’s not what she wrote and hence why others have pointed out that leaving based on that premise isnt a great idea. It’s little unrealistic -

yup me too. Its actually what i have said more than once on this thread.

I don't think that thinking it might have been achieved by 1 particular couple (and who knows what their relationship is like in reality) really overrides my point. Ditching a good partnership for a dream needs careful consideration as you might find out the answer was nurturing your own partnership and looking at yourself, especially at your hormones.

And again thats pretty much what I have said too. My comment on the Burrowses was in response to people saying "oh that walk through fire love never lasts" was primarily to say that it does, and this from my own personal experience, but what it looks like changes, but also to maybe get the OP to look at what she already has but possibly doesn't recognise or value because its not a knight on a white horse carrying her off for hot sex in a golden castle.