Marriage fine but fucked. Stuck.

[Herecomesthe]

I’m crying this morning and have been so down the past couple of weeks.

My marriage is fine. I’m 44, married 14 years to a man I’ve been with since 21. DDs 12 and 10. He‘s kind, earns well, does more than his fair share of house and kids stuff.

But…

I am not sexually attracted to him any more in the least. There is no spark, no passion. I find so many of the little things he does incredibly irritating. The way he eats, the way he says certain words, how he overuses the same jokey expressions again and again. Tiny, inconsequential things that drive me mad. We used to joke about how annoying his dad is (lovely man but so annoying on so many micro levels). I can see my DH turning into his father before my eyes.

I’m not perfect. He may well be similarly irritated with me, but we stopped having proper conversations many years ago. It’s entirely functional now, and whilst we occasionally make each other laugh and have fun with friends it is becoming more and more difficult to feel alive.

I love and respect him. We have built a life. Things are totally fine. Calm for the kids, who we both love deeply. But at the same time, I feel completely trapped. I desperately want to be in a different kind of relationship, one where there is complete dedication and unconditional love, where I’d run through fire just for a hug with someone.

We never have sex but it’s not sex I want more of. It’s passion and total dedication. I want to wake up in the morning and want to spend every second next to someone just to hear what they say next. I want to pamper and treat someone because I adore them. When I think about doing those things with DH it makes me feel queasy. He’s like a brother now.

I have thought about leaving. But it would be awful on the kids, financially ruinous (if affordable at all) and would I even get what I need afterwards anyway? But I feel so trapped. I am really feeling it this week. Like the rest of my life is just this.

i see some of my divorced friends. New partner, financially sorted, and I am so so jealous. They look at my marriage and think it’s perfect. But here I am in tears.

I do think you should be clear to yourself, you don’t love him so unless you ride this out for a while to really see where your feelings lay, you should keep reminding yourself that you don’t love him in any way.

@Herecomesthe it would be good for you to clarify what your intentions are for your children?

She’s been quite specific that she’s not talking about sex.

This is all pretty depressing.

The best we can hope for is someone we can put up with?

I feel very much like the OP, trapped in a situation I can’t escape (he is the high earner, 3 children) he’s mostly ok, good with the kids. But those who have read my other posts will know there is more to it for me.

I am on HRT, it’s helped my mood, and I know how I feel is massively linked to my hormones. But it’s not going to change my husband, it’s not going to make me love him.

But yet I stay, because the alternative is probably worse.

A psychotherapist once said to me: in my experience, women who have been told they have a libido problem almost certainly have a DH problem.

I hate the way when women are unhappy in a marriage it’s reduced to their sex drive.

Feeling trapped is part of the human condition. And I'm pretty sure being irritated by one's other half is v common too and part of the same thing.

Instead of thinking that breaking up a very functional happy family is the solution, I'd suggest digging into literature and philosophy.... I think a previous poster already recommended Madame Bovary....good suggestion.

On a more prosaic level, CBT is good for helping us understand very common thinking errors such as "all or nothing" "discounting the positive" and "catastrophising"

I think it's pretty clear....

to buy my own place round the corner, just so that I can escape but not be far from the kids

That doesnt read as primary custody....
it also doesnt read as meeting your childrens needs through tricky teenage years...

It does read as some kind of a midlife crisis / dellusion...

@noitsachicken it saddens me that you still feel trapped and are in effect trapped. I hope when you feel ready you come back to your post for support. x

@AlorsTimeForWineyes that doesn’t sit right with me either. I’m divorced too but my kids are with me 50% of time or more. It’s not fair on the kids, think the op needs to get counselling before making some pretty reckless and hurtful decisions regarding the children specifically.

To be clear it sounds like OP is in pain and really struggling - i am not trying to minimise that in any way.

its clearly very real for her but based on what she is saying i am really not convinced at all that leaving her husband and "escaping to a flat" is going to fix even 1/10th of what's ailing her....

I read this to mean that obviously her kids would be spending at least some of the time with their dad if they split. So she wouldn’t want to be too far away, to make transfers etc. easier.

So a bloke with passion who'll run through fire for a hug, but not for sex 🤔

@Picklechicken identical situation for me - if I split now at 63 it would be to be on my own so I can do things without always factoring in someone’s else’s preferences. 2 marriages, 3 long term relationships- all very different guys. None of them really arseholes- all I can say is the grass isn’t always greener- it’s just different grass.

And not once after the initial 18 months have I been desperately lying there just to hear someone speak - it’s all a bit Heathcliffe!!!

I always giggle at the valentines celebratory cake with the words "thank you for tolerating me" decorating it.

Sometimes you don't truly appreciate what you have until you throw it away.

Can’t believe the posts telling OP to put up with being miserable.

Exactly this. Unfortunately OP grass may not be greener. Only you can decide if its worth the risk but reality is finding someone else in 40s-50s not at all easy. Many of the good ones are taken or want someone younger. That run through fire feeling never lasts with most couples. Seen a few divorce and bitterly regret it and for some best thing they did. Only if you think it’s worth trying could you at least give couple counselling a try? Even just to help you both agree to split.

@Disturbia81 There is quite some middle ground between misery and waking up wanting to hear every word that comes out of someone's mouth, no?

I doubt the second is very common or lasting, even if OP leaves.

Can’t believe the posts encouraging her to take a leap of faith which won’t ensure she isn’t just miserable for another reason and much worse off in long run. It’s a huge risk and gamble. One she may want to take but at least do it knowing Mr Darcy might never come along. Or if he does, after a few years get on her nerves for whole other reasons. OP seems to have a couple of happy divorced pals and feels like she is missing out. As someone said questioning life and how it’s ended up can be peri-menopause too.
End of day relationship excitement is temporary and happiness also something we can work to improve or build ourselves. Not something that someone else can give us fully. At least make the decision after getting informed about the financial and other consequences. May be in part a choice between security and opt to find a bit of freedom/excitement elsewhere (girls trip etc) or to chase excitement - divorce and take whatever may be the fall out.

If they knew, it would depressing for the men too. Not sure who’d want to stay and provide for a wife who merely tolerates them for a more comfortable life. Pretty lousy deal they have too.

I don't think that anyone has said this. They have suggested various options for improving her life, suggested that this may be a hormone issue and could be helped, and pointed out that what she wants (little flat close by so she could see the children, amazing passionate dream lover) is in the highest degree unlikely to be available to her. Or to anyone else in her situation for that matter.

It is possible too to get the spark back. Takes commitment and work though. Know you don’t want to go away for the weekend together but what about trying it? Don’t need to feel pressured to have sex.

When was the last time you both got to not just be parents in a hamster wheel? Chances are he’s bored AF too. Relate have some great relationship resources. Marriage builders not a bad concept either.

He‘s kind, earns well, does more than his fair share of house and kids stuff.

👆🏻 This is a great foundation to try at least to work it out. Least tell him you aren’t happy and want to see if you can find each other again.

I tried this with exH. It was horrendous. We literally had nothing to talk about, I couldn’t stand being near him. It did not save our marriage.

I think a lot of people on this thread are dismissing OP’s feelings as something transient when sometimes just because someone’s a good man doesn’t mean the relationship isn’t unbearable.

(Edited to say: in my case it wasn’t hormonal, I wasn’t depressed. And it turns out there was nothing wrong with my sex drive after all… I just didn’t remotely fancy (or like) my husband)

Same here. I haven't regretted moving on for one moment.