Marriage fine but fucked. Stuck.

[Herecomesthe]

I’m crying this morning and have been so down the past couple of weeks.

My marriage is fine. I’m 44, married 14 years to a man I’ve been with since 21. DDs 12 and 10. He‘s kind, earns well, does more than his fair share of house and kids stuff.

But…

I am not sexually attracted to him any more in the least. There is no spark, no passion. I find so many of the little things he does incredibly irritating. The way he eats, the way he says certain words, how he overuses the same jokey expressions again and again. Tiny, inconsequential things that drive me mad. We used to joke about how annoying his dad is (lovely man but so annoying on so many micro levels). I can see my DH turning into his father before my eyes.

I’m not perfect. He may well be similarly irritated with me, but we stopped having proper conversations many years ago. It’s entirely functional now, and whilst we occasionally make each other laugh and have fun with friends it is becoming more and more difficult to feel alive.

I love and respect him. We have built a life. Things are totally fine. Calm for the kids, who we both love deeply. But at the same time, I feel completely trapped. I desperately want to be in a different kind of relationship, one where there is complete dedication and unconditional love, where I’d run through fire just for a hug with someone.

We never have sex but it’s not sex I want more of. It’s passion and total dedication. I want to wake up in the morning and want to spend every second next to someone just to hear what they say next. I want to pamper and treat someone because I adore them. When I think about doing those things with DH it makes me feel queasy. He’s like a brother now.

I have thought about leaving. But it would be awful on the kids, financially ruinous (if affordable at all) and would I even get what I need afterwards anyway? But I feel so trapped. I am really feeling it this week. Like the rest of my life is just this.

i see some of my divorced friends. New partner, financially sorted, and I am so so jealous. They look at my marriage and think it’s perfect. But here I am in tears.

The grass is greenest where you water it.

If you have a kind man who treats you and the kids well, hold on to it. Your partner is probably feeling the same and you just need to have an honest conversation together about what you need from each other.

I’m a believer in choosing to love someone (as long as they’re not an awful person!). The excitement and burning passion you are describing doesn’t sound realistic to me.

You must do what's right for you but please, tread carefully. My mum did this, told her friends basically word for word what you said about my dad. She was so bored, so desperately unhappy, even him coming into the same room annoyed her...no sex, she couldn't be bothered, he was like a good mate that stayed round. So she started divorce proceedings, he was heartbroken, she met someone, (arsehole face we called him) moved into their flat taking us with her.

My dad would beg her to talk, to go to councillors, maybe start dating again, she'd hear none if it. She insisted she loved him like a brother. It nearly broke him.

Until the day about 10 months down the line, me and my brother had already moved back home, dad had started seeing someone, and mums relationship ended nastily. And she heard Dad was getting quite serious about this woman. And she realised to her horror that she hadn't stopped loving my dad. Friends said it was just jealousy from her relationship breaking down, but she said no she realised when she'd come to get me and my brother that seeing my dad and them talking kept her smiling through her week. She loved him.

But the monotony of life had hidden all the good stuff They had shared Weaned it was too late.
We are now 35 yrs on. My mum is still on her own and still sadly v unhappy and my dad remarried. even had another kid. That really punched mum in her guts 😔

My mum said it was her biggest mistake, biggest regret, and she misses the warmth love and friendship she forgot they had. Obviously this is not the same for everyone!!! But this is just a real life insight. Grass ain't always greener. Make sure you truly are doing what you want. Xxx excuse my novel lol.

She literally said they sometimes have a laugh together etc. so you’re totally misrepresenting what she’s said her family life is like.

Read the posts: her children aren’t miserable.

First of all, no adult relationship is made up of ' unconditional love' and thinking that should exist is really dangerous. All love, apart from parent and child love, is conditional.
I have been with my dh 33 years and love him to bits but if he hit me or had an affair, he'd be gone. It would be over.
My love for him is conditional on him being a good human being and living within the accepted behaviours of our relationship.

Secondly, wanting to run through fire for someone and wanting to spend every second with someone hanging onto their every word is the kind of thing you feel at the very beginning of a relationship when your hormones are all over the place and you're doodling their name on your notebook. It doesn't last.
So unless you just want a life made up of very short beginnings, that's not going to happen either long term.

You need to work on the relationship that you have. You need time alone together when you're not in charge of kids to reconnect. You need to do something fun together, and remember why you ended up with him in the first place.
I would also think about couple's counselling if I were you.

I have thought about leaving. [...] would I even get what I need afterwards anyway? But I feel so trapped. I am really feeling it this week. Like the rest of my life is just this.

As others have said up thread, the single men still in the dating pool at your age are mostly a cess pit of left-over dregs.
Your choice is not between your marriage to DH and meeting someone else. It is between your marriage and being single for (likely) a decade at least, possibly being single until you die.

BUT
The rest of your life does not have to be like it is now. Shake things up.

To start with, go away on a two week holiday - just by yourself (not with a friend), or perhaps on a group holiday with strangers. Go somewhere you have always fancied but that does not interest DH.

Change jobs, or change career entirely.
Go back to full-time education (just make the finances work somehow).

Start a course of evening classes.
Learn a language. Learn how to design web pages, or select wines, or sew dresses from scratch, or groom dogs.
Start a new fitness regime. Train for a big running event. Join a competitive sports club.
Set yourself a target of reading a book a week / month - but only books you would never usually try. Genres you never touch. Maybe only classics published before 1950, or only non-fiction.

Get your "colours" analysed and re-vamp your entire wardrobe.
Read Marie Kondo and take six months to de-clutter the house.

Start a big new project - decorate the whole house, or totally re-do the garden, including a dramatic new style and lots of planning and design. Do most of the manual work yourself instead of buying in labour.

You don't need to fall in love with a new man, you need to fall in love with yourself.

We never have sex but it’s not sex I want more of. It’s passion and total dedication. I want to wake up in the morning and want to spend every second next to someone just to hear what they say next. I want to pamper and treat someone because I adore them.

This is not reality! It’s a Mills and Boon book. If anyone acted like this in real life it’s love bombing and it won’t last. You’re never gonna find this on Tinder OP!

Talk to your husband! Tell him about the things that irritate you. You can do this jokingly and tease him when he does them “oh Dave I thought your dad was in the room with us!” Maybe couples counselling would help.

But I would think long and hard about breaking your family up for a romantic dream that is unlikely to exist.

Why financial ruin
he’s In a good job
presumably the op works or can work

I did it. Financial ruin most certainly is not inevitable

I would say this is perimenopause and long term relationships and life.
I feel like you sometimes. But actually, if I took all the stress out of our life (currently a huge amount) and I think about being old with my husband, I actually like the idea.

No relationship in the world do you end up how you described... every relationship has a honeymoon phase and then you get familiar with each other.
I think if you really aren't happy then leave. But it sounds to me like you've both got into a bit of a rut. I'd make more time for each other and go on some dates etc. Or book yourself a holiday alone and see if you miss him and how you feel when you come back.
I wouldn't do anything rash as you may regret it... the grass isn't always greener.

I agree with some of the other posts. You need to have a chat with your husband and tell him how you feel, you need to try because if you don’t and you leave him you will regret it, and the heartache it will cause the children. At least if you try you can turn round and say ok I tried and be confident and sure that the decision you made was the right one. Long term marriages and relationships can get like this, especially when raising children, you lose yourselves in parenthood. Honeymoon phases don’t last, honestly everyone I know gets irritated by their husbands! But consider what you really want in a relationship - like the fundamentals (trust/dependancy etc) and take out the passion for a minute. You might leave and have an amazing passionate love affair with someone then realise is soulless and shallow. Go on dates with your husband, go to counselling, talk to your him and if nothing changes then at least you know you tried!

I’m sorry to hear you’re so down and stuck, you sound like you’re not in a good place and are trying to find solutions. I offer a few thoughts that you may well have already considered but just in case they might be helpful.
I think the passion you describe with a partner is not something that is sustainable long term for anyone so perhaps try reframing things a little. I think life can get really bogged down with the day to day and the individual stresses you both feel. You need to talk to each other about stuff that has meaning, feel understood. It sounds like at some point you both stopped trying and I’m wondering why.
Do you do little things for each other eg bring a coffee in the morning, buy a cake you know the other likes when out and about? Do you go out together as a couple? Have shared plans? What do you both do on an evening? I think many of us (myself included!) often watch telly or scroll on phones which is ok to an extent but doesn’t lead to connection.
I also wonder if maybe you are looking for something in your life but focusing it all on your partner. What do you enjoy outside of family life? Hobbies? Friends? Work? What can you do yourself to bring more passion into your life? Eg try new things, go to different places, learn something new.
I don’t think you should stay in a marriage you feel unhappy but I think it’s really important to understand why you’ve got to this point and try to see if you can both find a way forward together and if not, understand yourself better for whatever else might come. Best wishes x

find so many of the little things he does incredibly irritating. The way he eats, the way he says certain words, how he overuses the same jokey expressions again and again. Tiny, inconsequential things that drive me mad. We used to joke about how annoying his dad is

her dh makes her feel queasy

their mother has been crying this morning and feels very very down.

they haven’t had a proper conversation for years

they are never physically affectionate

either these children have never known different or well, they will be acutely aware and that awareness will intensify as they grow older

i see some of my divorced friends. New partner, financially sorted, and I am so so jealous

I have a few friends who are divorced/widowed and don't relate to your experience at all. Finding a decent man has been really difficult for them, they feel sad at holidays when separated from their children, they feel overwhelmed at running a house, finances, car, DIY. There will all work longer because pensions/savings have been split. One is now in a better position because of an inheritance.

A friend does OLD as she lost her husband 5years ago. It's dire for her and she is 50. Men her age are seeking 35+ year olds.

I think you have an idealised view of relationships, the adoration doesn't last for most couples once they live together. What is important is love and respect, which you say you have?

Your husband might also be worn down by parenting and life. Perhaps you need a plan for when DC are off to Uni. Perhaps that doing stuff separately so you are both more interesting people when you get back together.

I could have written your post years ago OP. I was very unhappy and incredibly lonely, living with someone who was my husband but with whom I had no relationship other than transactional running the house and bringing up the kids. We divorced and have remained on good terms, our kids are grown up now and are fine, have good relationships with both of us. We are both single though! It's slim pickings out there - separate to be on your own if you need to, but don't do it thinking you'll meet your dream man.

I would start carving out some more time and space for yourself. Weekly class, make time for coffee with friends, a corner of the living room where you read in peace etc. This will do good for your mental health and perspective even if nothing else changes.

And try to have an honest conversation with your DH to see how he feels. You're both at risk of having your heads turned by someone else, and if that happens it can lead to all sorts of havoc.

I would suggest marriage counselling and see if you can improve things between you.

I think you have unrealistic and actually quite immature expectations of what lifelong partnership and child-rearing means. And the fact that you think you can just swan off, leaving your kids behind and buy a house round the corner is also deeply immature. It sheds a different light on your husband problem, because it seems that you aren't satisfied with your children either and appear to view the entirety of the family that you've built as something that can be thrown away if it doesn't meet your Mills and Boone expectations.

If you can't commit to your children unconditionally, how do you expect that you can do it for this imaginary perfect man who's going to make you want to "walk through fire for a hug'? And what if there is no grand romance awaiting? What if, actually, you just end up alone?

As you can probably guess, I'm not a "you do you, Hun" type of person. You've made a commitment to your husband and your children. Whilst nobody should feel compelled to stay in a miserable relationship, your situation just sounds like a typical slightly boring marriage that needs some work. You owe it to your family to actually put some work in to improve things before you throw in the towel. Fantasising about ditching them all and embarking on an imaginary passionate affair is not serving anybody.

If you are unhappy in this marriage I would get out.

But don't do it because you desperately want another relationship.

Do it for yourself and your kids.

In the end we can't expect someone else to make us happy.

We have to be able to build a life that just does not rely only on a partner.

Once you leave, take some time to focus on your interests, your health, your work and your kids then start dating.

A man should be a positive addition to your life but not the centre of your universe...

I love my husband dearly and am very happily married, but I cannot honestly say I want to spend every second of the day with him, or he with me. And while I like talking to him, I'm not on tenterhooks all the time waiting to hear what he'll say next.

Is this realistic?

I think OP has unrealistic expectations. The infatuation / lust stage is one phase in a long term relationship

Feeling secure and settled is underrated, IMHO. That's really important

My heart sank with this, I'm probably in the same boat in a long term relationship. I was unfaithful though in search of what you're looking, and while it's devastated our relationship it's become clear to me that casual sex and one night stands serve a different purpose than a relationship. Staying for the kids doesn't work, in the long term they'll recognise your relationship isn't authentic. Find some space from each other first, be civilised and be honest.

If you decide to leave you leave to be single. Don't romanticise meeting the person you describe it seldom lasts and every relationship dwindles with romance if you're lucky enough to meet your soul mate. That said if you're deeply unhappy you don't have to remain in this relationship and you would be better off leaving it . Who knows what your future brings up you sound so unhappy I think I would leave .

If - if - you're lucky, you might find the kind of relationship you describe, but that feeling will blunt and wear off after a few years anyway.

Whereas now you have a calm, financially stable environment to raise your children in. You'll be ripping their lives apart for something you might not even find - changes are it will be heartache and upheaval and players and guys looking for sex, and at best some awkward, messy "blended" family. Read the stepparenting board here for motivation on avoiding that particular shitshow.

Children are also many times over more at risk from physical and sexual abuse from an unrelated male in their household.

Two things really. Could this be peri? I had all kinds of strange feelings and imaginings at points and they did seem very very real. Yes I know its an MN trope that when you get to midlife everything is peri, but the strong strong feelings out of the blue really does resonate.

Secondly you do need to tell someone about this because whatever it is, I think there is more to it than being disappointed in how your marriage has turned out.

Youve been reading way too many romantic books. Why do you think you’d find this teenager like passionate love if you leave now? You’d be a single parent dealing with 2 emotionally damaged children (by the break up, if they think you’re happy they’ll be completely shocked), divorcing and splitting assets and dealing with that fall out too. You might find a new partner, you might not. Leaving means choosing to be single, and make your children a priority while they get through the awful time, not leaving so you can swoon over some imaginary dream man who happens to be single at the same time as you.

Make sure you give yourself a serious reality check before you blow everyone’s lives apart. A new love is 0% guaranteed

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