Marriage fine but fucked. Stuck.

[Herecomesthe]

I’m crying this morning and have been so down the past couple of weeks.

My marriage is fine. I’m 44, married 14 years to a man I’ve been with since 21. DDs 12 and 10. He‘s kind, earns well, does more than his fair share of house and kids stuff.

But…

I am not sexually attracted to him any more in the least. There is no spark, no passion. I find so many of the little things he does incredibly irritating. The way he eats, the way he says certain words, how he overuses the same jokey expressions again and again. Tiny, inconsequential things that drive me mad. We used to joke about how annoying his dad is (lovely man but so annoying on so many micro levels). I can see my DH turning into his father before my eyes.

I’m not perfect. He may well be similarly irritated with me, but we stopped having proper conversations many years ago. It’s entirely functional now, and whilst we occasionally make each other laugh and have fun with friends it is becoming more and more difficult to feel alive.

I love and respect him. We have built a life. Things are totally fine. Calm for the kids, who we both love deeply. But at the same time, I feel completely trapped. I desperately want to be in a different kind of relationship, one where there is complete dedication and unconditional love, where I’d run through fire just for a hug with someone.

We never have sex but it’s not sex I want more of. It’s passion and total dedication. I want to wake up in the morning and want to spend every second next to someone just to hear what they say next. I want to pamper and treat someone because I adore them. When I think about doing those things with DH it makes me feel queasy. He’s like a brother now.

I have thought about leaving. But it would be awful on the kids, financially ruinous (if affordable at all) and would I even get what I need afterwards anyway? But I feel so trapped. I am really feeling it this week. Like the rest of my life is just this.

i see some of my divorced friends. New partner, financially sorted, and I am so so jealous. They look at my marriage and think it’s perfect. But here I am in tears.

No reason divorce has to mean "financial ruin". It's all relative, isn't it? It might mean a change in lifestyle, it might mean things are tight. "Financial ruin" is a bit of hyperbole, isn't it?

She's in her 40s, she can rebuild.

I desperately want to be in a different kind of relationship, one where there is complete dedication and unconditional love, where I’d run through fire just for a hug with someone.

A fantasy relationship you mean? The thing with imagining a different life is that you aren't constrained by reality. You can meet someone in your head and don't have to worry about all of the pesky logistics of being a single parent dating or that you might struggle to meet someone and even if you do they are likely to not live up to the fantasy in your head.

This isnt to say you shouldn't leave if you're miserable or that it isn't possible to move on and find happiness, but it seems you have a lot to throw away in the gamble for this high bar of romance. The suggestion to date eachother again even just to give it one last chance doesnt seem wild.

Ending a marriage because she has been down for a couple of weeks and has cried this morning would be a ridiculously short term response. People are too quick to throw away fundamentally solid relationships rather than work at them.

I have several friends who have left in search of a more loving relationship. They haven’t yet found it but somehow the men they left have. With younger women adding more children into the mix.

Two of the three now wish they had stayed, both for them and their children.

However only you know your own circumstances. A very wise friend once said to me ‘can you really see your life without Mr MakeupTable in it - children’s graduations, weddings, grandchildren’. She wasn’t trying to make me feel guilty just trying to get me to see the future from both sides.

I think that once the ‘passion’ goes you are left with friendship and respect, so if you do decide to move on, you may well get the passion you crave initially, but it will fade.

So you want to leave your children too?

@Deliciouscoffee is literally using your own words to describe your situation, they are not misrepresenting anything.
As other PPs have said your children will pick up on how you feel.
Is that what you want to teach them about how relationships are, would you be happy if they felt like you?

Did you ever have a good relationship and connection with your DH? In which case it may be possible to get it back @Lamelie had some good suggestions

Do you enjoy your life outside of your marriage? Do you have things you feel passionate about? Are you giving too much attention to the negative things DH does because you have nothing else to think about. Do you need to work on yourself?

I had a period of absolutely adoring my DH. It was probably in my early 40’s when I had a hormonal surge and I was constantly horny, that’s difficult when DH was working away a lot, and then when he came home he was tired.
Then I went peri and, like you, I couldn’t stand to even hear him breathe, let alone have to share a house with him. I couldn’t bear to have him touch me. I just wanted him to disappear, I even fantasised about his death, how much better life would be. But that’s awful as I was wishing away the father of my kids.
I recognise now that that was all hormones.
So to now. I’ve decided to settle for companionship and financial stability, and not having only half of the small amount of time we see our adult children. I’d love to be in love, to have romance again, but it might not happen, and when I look at men of my age I think ‘no thanks’.

I don't know anyone my age (early 50s) who wants to spend every waking moment with their husband. I'd be worried if they did! Some of what you say resonates (sex bit) but DH and I still laugh, are affectionate, have our in-jokes, enjoy each others' company to some extent. But he can be really irritating and get on my nerves so we do need space. ATM I'm sleeping in the spare room due to a health issue, but hope to be back in bed soon and I do get in in the mornings on weekends (in the week we're up early anyway for work).
It's def better than the alternative. I don't think I would find any better at my age (with my health issues and saggy arse!). Serioously think abou tthe next step. maybe have marraige counselling?

Wake up and smell the coffee. Being in a happy marriage after years and having a happy, stable and safe home for your kids is winning the lottery to some people. What you are describing is how I felt after reading the 50 shades books....not real!

Is it your marriage that's the problem there or is it your life? If you started doing some more exciting things and shaking it up a bit, would that help? I don't mean dirty weekends, I just mean hobbies, travel, something to stop it all feeling like Groundhog Day.

Ok, but how much enjoyment would you have being in financial difficulties?

Everyone fantasises about having the man of their dreams and winning the lottery.

I feel so similar to you OP, I could have written your post.
I am perimenopausal, and I wonder if a lot of it is that. I have other stuff going on as well.

I get it. I’m sorry. PM if you want.

Be careful what you wish for.

You are yearning for the impossible @Herecomesthe . Real life is what you have, your daydreams aren’t achievable.

Get yourself some counselling so you can sort out your head. From what you’ve said your head is a mess. If you don’t get a grip you will lose everything. The grass is rarely greener on the other side. You only have to read some of the step parent threads to get a reality check.

As said by PP this seems like classic perimenopause symptoms. It’s really common! I’d urge you to talk to GP or memo specialist if you can afford. Please don’t romanticise new relationships… they are bloody hard to find esp for women and if he’s a great father then I’d seriously not rock that boat.

Totally get how you feel but please look at hormones and maybe have a holiday by yourself to get some perspective

I think perhaps focusing on yourself, and staying in the marriage for now, may be sensible. Your description of the relationship you want sounds totally idealised and unrealistic, which is worrying. Perhaps focus on building a life you like (ie not delivered by a man, but by you) before making drastic changes? Hobbies, passions, joy: just for you? It sounds like you want to be rescued by an imaginary male stranger, which is oddly passive.
it might be that when you find some joy for yourself, that the marriage is indeed over, but I suspect there is some extraneous stuff going on here.

OP my friend left several years ago for those very reasons. I said was she sure, "I know your marriage hasn't been hearts and flowers" and she looked me in the eye and said that is exactly what I want!

I'd try to fix your marriage first perhaps.

However, I know how you feel. I was exactly the same. We did try to fix ours, but it was too late, and we are getting divorced. I'm 55 so my kids are older. I did wait for them to be adults.

I haven't regretted it tbh. But I'm not banking on finding someone else. For me it was worth it to not have to live with someone who irritated the life out of me. I love having my house to myself, and the kids are absolutely fine with it.

Have you tried couples therapy? Surely if you don’t have se you both know something is seriously wrong 😑

Being single is better than what you have now, even if you don’t find that intense love.
But even just the feeling of being free incase it happens does wonders for the soul.
And not having this trapped, resentment feeling full of negativity will lift the dark cloud you are under.
It might be hard at first but worth it.. We only live once

I want to wake up in the morning and want to spend every second next to someone just to hear what they say next. I want to pamper and treat someone because I adore them

Bloodyehll OP. Normally one only sees this in the first two years of a relationship, if that. If you split from your husband, I think you'd be on your way to having a succession of short-lived relationships, or very vulnerable to being lovebombed.

I think that the idea you have about the relationship you want is unrealistic for a long term relationship.

"I want to wake up in the morning and want to spend every second next to someone just to hear what they say next".

That sounds more like infatuation than love.

I think you’d regret leaving. This is just part of a relationship maturing and becoming older yourselves. Realistically, at 44 are you going to find passion that turns into a lifelong love story or is it more likely that you will split up your family and put you all through some hardship just to end up with someone not as long term compatible with you as your husband.

I think you're in fantasy land about what the alternative is here, and about what you should be feeling this long in to a relationship. I also think functional conversations are the norm when you're engaged in the shared project of running a home and raising children. I think it would be very unwise of you to bolt without at least spending time together doing something fun and trying to kindle some shared interests outside family life.

If you left and never found another partner, would that also be OK with you? Or are you chasing those first years of infatuation?

Maybe try some dates and weekends away and try dating your husband and see how it goes?