Marriage fine but fucked. Stuck.

[Herecomesthe]

I’m crying this morning and have been so down the past couple of weeks.

My marriage is fine. I’m 44, married 14 years to a man I’ve been with since 21. DDs 12 and 10. He‘s kind, earns well, does more than his fair share of house and kids stuff.

But…

I am not sexually attracted to him any more in the least. There is no spark, no passion. I find so many of the little things he does incredibly irritating. The way he eats, the way he says certain words, how he overuses the same jokey expressions again and again. Tiny, inconsequential things that drive me mad. We used to joke about how annoying his dad is (lovely man but so annoying on so many micro levels). I can see my DH turning into his father before my eyes.

I’m not perfect. He may well be similarly irritated with me, but we stopped having proper conversations many years ago. It’s entirely functional now, and whilst we occasionally make each other laugh and have fun with friends it is becoming more and more difficult to feel alive.

I love and respect him. We have built a life. Things are totally fine. Calm for the kids, who we both love deeply. But at the same time, I feel completely trapped. I desperately want to be in a different kind of relationship, one where there is complete dedication and unconditional love, where I’d run through fire just for a hug with someone.

We never have sex but it’s not sex I want more of. It’s passion and total dedication. I want to wake up in the morning and want to spend every second next to someone just to hear what they say next. I want to pamper and treat someone because I adore them. When I think about doing those things with DH it makes me feel queasy. He’s like a brother now.

I have thought about leaving. But it would be awful on the kids, financially ruinous (if affordable at all) and would I even get what I need afterwards anyway? But I feel so trapped. I am really feeling it this week. Like the rest of my life is just this.

i see some of my divorced friends. New partner, financially sorted, and I am so so jealous. They look at my marriage and think it’s perfect. But here I am in tears.

Sounds a lot like perimenopause to me OP, although I do sympathise with the whole living like housemates thing, it's really easy to get into that rut when you've been together a long time. I would definitely be trying everything to reconnect and reignite the spark with your DH before you jump ship if I were you though, and also seeing the GP about your low mood in general.

@Herecomesthe ‘Grass isn’t always greener’ came to mind when reading your post. Whilst I do empathise with you, I do think it may be good for you to have some sort of therapy or counselling to do a deep dive into your feelings with a professional first.

There was a thread on here not so long ago, where someone had left their partner and he had got together with someone else and then she was asking on MN ‘AIBU to tell him I want to come back’ and she was justifying it with how long they’d been together and it would be best for the kids etc. Not saying you would, but you might if you’ve not really thoroughly explored this first with professional therapy/counselling.

It seems to me as a woman of 52 that the older dating pool has a lot of men similarly disillusioned and with very high standards of what they expect their new woman to be. So my dating experiences from the 40-50 dating pool is that the good looking successful financially secure guys are usually chasing younger women (which judging by many of the posts on MN alone shows they are often very successful in achieving so 45+ rarely gets a look in there thereby reducing the pool further!) and those men that are available for us older ladies are sometimes great decent men but the instant attraction just isn’t (goes both ways I realise!). If there is someone you click with meaning you find him handsome and he has a job, it’s likely took you a pretty long time to find him and then you risk becoming a bit of a doormat as you so want to ‘please’ him and not go back fishing in the dreaded pool again.

I guess what I’m saying is I really hope you will seek help as I and many others have suggested as it sounds like you have got one of the ‘good ones’ already. I’ve dated a couple of older guys and though many were handsome and spontaneous, fun etc, they all also had a dark possessive side which left me a wobbly mess always. So it’s rare the older you get unless you look like a supermodel maybe to attract a guy that you find attractive and who has all those other attributes you want also. Makes more sense to me to try with all your being to arrange relationship/sex counselling also to perhaps help you ‘fall in love’ with your DH all over again. Of course if after all that, you still feel the same then you do only get one life and it’s up to you to live it how you feel best ♥️

where I’d run through fire just for a hug with someone.

Oh dear 🤦🏻‍♀️ This is a mum of a 10 and 12 year old saying this! God help them kiddos 🤦🏻‍♀️

Op, don’t take this the wrong way but I’m not sure what you’re looking for is realistic, given you are an adult with kids, you come with baggage (so to speak!) and there are genuinely not that many men you’d actually WANT to give your all to in the dating pool. If it’s ’total Dedication’ I think that means he’d need to be childless? And in a good place emotionally himself? Humans are inherently selfish after all. I’m not saying it’s not possible, I’m sure there’s lots of folk who could jump on svd say ‘I did this, it’s been fantastic…’ but my overall sense from your post is fantasy. You’re projecting fantasy, and the reality will never live up. Not saying you shouldn’t split with partner for all the reasons mentioned, but you may not achieve the fantasy life you seek. Said with kindness. 😍

Hi OP
New on here but your post leaped up at me. You say you are 44, earlier than average for perimenopause but very real possibility especially if you are not getting enough oestrogen. I went back on the pill in my late 40’s it helped with the hormones but didn’t fix anything else. I was not allowed to take it after 55 and everything went further downhill after that.
If DH stands for dear husband, I have one of those but wouldn’t describe him as ‘dear’. We became cohabitating parents and as our daughter has left home 4 years ago we are just housemates. We share meals, as that is convenient and share the house but not bedrooms. We occasionally watch TV together on separate furniture. There is no intimacy, tenderness, special kindness, we don’t touch, kiss or hold hands. Sex is long forgotten. Occasionally, I think ‘ahh, he’s not bad’ but that fleeting thought disappears quickly then I go back to finding him irritating, annoying and unable to do anything right. I’m now 62 and wondering if it will ever improve. I have friends my age still married, still holding hands when they walk, linking arms, putting a tender arm around shoulders, kissing goodbye, goodnight.
He has no interest in working on this relationship, is in denial that we need help.
If there is any wisdom I can share with you, nothing changes if you don’t both make an effort to make a difference. Talk to a sympathetic GP (if they exist) and support your hormones.
I have distracted myself with hobbies and friendship groups but the same problem is still there when I get home.

Did you grow up in a house with two parents who genuinely liked and loved each other OP? I think for those lucky enough to have done so, it sustains us through the challenging times as it reminds us that marriages are a marathon.

Just before menopause is a moment where we reflect on what’s around us, now that babies are off the agenda. Many take up hobbies, push on at work, get a pet etc. There is a feeling of “is this it?”.

It sounds like you’ve got good fundamentals in your relationship and I would personally start there. Counselling would help.

Have you spoken to your DH about how you feel? From his perspective do you think he’s happy in a marriage with no intimacy or meaningful conversations with his wife? The fact that he is still around and not finding that connection elsewhere suggests he’s a good man.

What do you do in your spare time? What do you read/watch? Do you do anything together? And do you do anything or your own that is just for you?

Many single people are looking for the basics of what you have. A loyal partner, good father, good provider, equal sharing of responsibilities, but marriage takes work and effort from both sides. I would urge you to talk to your DH and maybe even have some counselling. Try and get the spark back before you make a decision that will affect your lives forever.

I think in your 40's, as PP's have said, a lot of women think "is this it?" so desperately want some excitement, something different, something new....

This is what certain types of men see and they move in with the "my wife doesn't understand me but you do" crap. Before you know it you're caught up in something that makes you think you feel alive, but will kill you inside when you lose all you have, plus your self respect to boot

Have a chat with your GP. Could be depression, could be peri, could be something that can be dealt with without turning worlds upside down.

I think a lot of us get really frustrated and irritated with our lives and partners, but imagining living down the road from your children makes me think there's something else going on. It's ok to feel overwhelmed and need help.

I'm not minimising how you're feeling at all, just suggesting you don't make any decisions before taking time to ensure that it's the authentic you that's making them.

"God help them kiddos" isn't much better.

My divorced friends dont seem to be that much happier. Blending families seems to be very stressful, once there are kids, especially teens.
I am annoyed by DHs chewing often, but I would be far more annoyed if I had to be a stepmum or share my space with stepkids. I am just not cut out for that.
I am sure he is annoyed by me too. Thats common in a long term relationship. But we rub along, because frankly I dont believe in unconditional love except between parent and child.

This is terrible.

You're not the only woman to feel like this OP. This longing for true love, dedication, passion is a powerful thing.
The choice you have to make is not between staying in your marriage verses having that kind of passion in your life. The choice is between staying in your marriage versus breaking up the family home in the hope that you will find that passion with someone else. You may or may not find it.
Another option is to see if you can improve your marriage and bring some of the spark back. That would possibly mean having counselling together and certainly mean talking more openly about what you want and need from your life together. This in itself could bring you closer together (or not).
Not easy, is it. Good luck with whatever you decide.

With kids 10 and 12, you’ve hit that awkward age when the kids don’t need your full attention but at the same time, your days and weekends are still built around them. Sort of limbo. In just a couple of years, the eldest will be able to look after the younger and you will be a bit freer to go out to dinner etc.

So you have to start to get your life back. You sound unhappy, but it doesn’t sound like marriage problems. It’s that you’re highly irritable, not so much your husbands behaviour making it difficult.

Depression and anxiety can make people highly irritable. Also along with other posters suggestions, you could be peri. A trip to a health professional may help you get to the bottom of these feelings.

In respect of your sex life etc, well that’s the last thing to come back. First you need to take care of your own health, then start working on the friendship and bond wirh your husband with no pressure. Sex comes when you are both feeing happy and comfortable again.
Im pretty sure your husband will have picked up on your feelings and hasn’t felt the desire either.

Your feelings are perfectly normal, many people experience this at some point. But lots makes it through the other end. Good luck

Watch Shirley Valentine.
Think about what attracted you in the first place, have some dates together. Go away without the kids for a weekend.Think about his good points and how lucky you are.
Consider if you are depressed and work on getting better.

Sounds like peri. Now is not the time for big decisions. In a few years you will long for the life you have now.

Do you have somebody in mind? Because you do sound quite confident (from your ‘second chance’ comment) that your ideal man with that elusive but forever lasting spark will walk into your life the minute you are on your own as a divorcee with two children and all the problems that go with shared care and downsizing to a less desirable area.

Just check that you aren’t fooling yourself before you get carried away with the idea that there is a choice of good men better than your husband waiting to love you the exact way you want to be loved and keeping you tingling with passionate desire forever more.

Your husband sounds ideal as a life partner in many ways, if a bit predictable.
Yes he will probably turn into his father if he has the same genes….just as you have an equally good chance of turning into your mother.

Very few marriages have the passion all the way through. Marriages change, partners adapt and compromise and wait and put up with the disappointment. But if you are both good, decent partners, sticking with it brings deep respect and care and love of shared memories and a good life. Isn’t that why there are marriage vows? To remind us that we wanted a partner for life.

Children from those good lasting marriages learn that it’s normal to have highs and lows and that marriage isn’t easy, in fact life is a slog at times …. making them all the more careful when choosing a future marriage partner themselves. It’s the way the world goes round. Better I’d say, than demonstrating to the children that it’s best to give up so easily on a marriage to a decent man who works hard and is kind.

You make it clear that your husband is a good man who hasn’t let you down in any way and that that is appreciated.
But you’ve hit a real mundane spot and you are bored and irritable with him, maybe even depressed with the routine of it all.

My advice, at this stage where you are weighing up the pros and cons, would be to make a supreme effort to get past it and wait, if you can,A to see how it goes.
Consider even waiting until the children have left home. Hopefully by then, you will be glad that you stayed.
Good luck OP. I hope you make the right decision for the right reasons. I’m sorry you feel so sad about what’s missing in your life right now. We have all felt a bit of that at times if we are honest I think.

But at some point your kids WILL know something is wrong, that you're unhappy (if they don't already).

You deserve more, this isn't what a marriage/relationship should be like, and you know that. Deal with it now, while you've still got decades to spend with someone who makes you feel loved and alive.

I agree with this @Herecomesthe. You have not said anything that indicates children are aware. Plus for some couples it not usual to show affection (I am not one if them but it’s worth pointing this out). I think you are taking a right old bashing for just sharing what’s going on in your head. I get you x

I have turned into my dad in my fifties, so I can't really complain that DH has turned into his! Unrealistic to expect him to be like he was in his 20s.

Peri makes you irritable and less tolerant..I got over it by doing more for myself and doing less around the house. Basically I pamper myself! Not others. It helps.

What does 'total dedication' mean to you?

I knew from my early teens that my mum was desperately unhappy, but she stayed for way too long (till me and my sister had left home). That was 20+ years ago and she's never fully got back to the person she was. She was 'dulled' by their marriage, and left it too long to get her shine back. She's also never had another relationship.

It's impacted me and my sister in different ways - I've refused to be in unhappy relationships, and have had a number of amazing, passionate, happy relationships. My sister, however, seems to have taken in that relationships like our parents had are acceptable, which has led to her being very unhappy. Which way do you think your kids would go? And is it worth the risk?

Maybe it's because I am post menopause but I can't imagine running through fire for any man. Only for my kids. It's all very dramatic.

I am ill now with a bug, and DH has gone out to get me some soup and sourdough bread. Isn't that enough?

It is for me. I don't need him to be throbbing with passion.

You are chasing an unrealistic fantasy. If you split and found another partner, you'd end up in the same position in the end.

Talk to your partner. You already have the 'raw materials' for everything that life could be. It's up to you both to make some effort to mould them.

But I find myself fantasising all the time about having the money to buy my own place round the corner, just so that I can escape but not be far from the kids

So you want to divorce your dh, and get your own place to be near your kids ?

I should think the sharing of marital assets would be more in his favour if you want him to have the main responsibility of them . Do you have your own funds for house buying ?