Marriage fine but fucked. Stuck.

[Herecomesthe]

I’m crying this morning and have been so down the past couple of weeks.

My marriage is fine. I’m 44, married 14 years to a man I’ve been with since 21. DDs 12 and 10. He‘s kind, earns well, does more than his fair share of house and kids stuff.

But…

I am not sexually attracted to him any more in the least. There is no spark, no passion. I find so many of the little things he does incredibly irritating. The way he eats, the way he says certain words, how he overuses the same jokey expressions again and again. Tiny, inconsequential things that drive me mad. We used to joke about how annoying his dad is (lovely man but so annoying on so many micro levels). I can see my DH turning into his father before my eyes.

I’m not perfect. He may well be similarly irritated with me, but we stopped having proper conversations many years ago. It’s entirely functional now, and whilst we occasionally make each other laugh and have fun with friends it is becoming more and more difficult to feel alive.

I love and respect him. We have built a life. Things are totally fine. Calm for the kids, who we both love deeply. But at the same time, I feel completely trapped. I desperately want to be in a different kind of relationship, one where there is complete dedication and unconditional love, where I’d run through fire just for a hug with someone.

We never have sex but it’s not sex I want more of. It’s passion and total dedication. I want to wake up in the morning and want to spend every second next to someone just to hear what they say next. I want to pamper and treat someone because I adore them. When I think about doing those things with DH it makes me feel queasy. He’s like a brother now.

I have thought about leaving. But it would be awful on the kids, financially ruinous (if affordable at all) and would I even get what I need afterwards anyway? But I feel so trapped. I am really feeling it this week. Like the rest of my life is just this.

i see some of my divorced friends. New partner, financially sorted, and I am so so jealous. They look at my marriage and think it’s perfect. But here I am in tears.

Oh my word this has only happened recently with one of my friends - She now regrets it big time, admitted one night after like 5 bottles of wine. Her now ex is getting married again, has got a better job and has the kids 50 per cent of the time. She hates going home to empty house and dating is not what is was 20 odd years ago. I get ya life is mundane sometimes but you need to go back and re spark what attracted you in the 1st place, i am fit to kill my husband some days - that's what happens when you have lived so long together, but he has been with me through the hard times, when we do spend time together i really enjoy it and am very comfortable in his company. I suggest you take a trip t the doc and see if there is another reason for you feeling like this 1st
The grass is not always greener on the other side

How you feel sounds completely normal for a long term relationship to me. And how you would end up feeling if you left your dh and started a new relationship. It is what most, if not all, relationships go through if they last long enough.

I would advocate working on the relationship you have rather than chasing an unrealistic dream.

You’re going to throw in the towel because you find your decent, loyal, hard working , honest husband annoying?!
are you perimenopausal? It might be your hormones

I’m in a similar situation OP, but I’m the spouse of someone who’s decided this being married business isn’t really for him. 10 years, 2 DC, what should have been a perfectly happy existence but it’s not what he wants so we’re done. I could fix things, but I can’t do it on my own so I’m not going to put myself through the emotional battering I’d get in order for him to say “Sorry, still think of you as a friend”. We haven’t decided on what things will look like, well, I haven’t as he isn’t really engaging with the fact he announced he wasn’t sure if he wanted a divorce or not so we’ve gone through a year of not resolving anything and me not knowing if my life as a wife is actually over. I don’t think he isn’t emotionally equipped to have a relationship with anyone, which isn’t great in a husband.

We have always had problems (he’s shouty, doesn’t do anything around the house or with the DC, works away a lot then complains he doesn’t feel part of the family), but I’ve always been able to suck it up on the basis that he loved me in his own weird way and it wasn’t just me to think of. We will get divorced at some point but my DC are both under 10 yrs and I don’t want to put them through that. Irritatingly, he’s recently stepped up with parenting and not shouting etc which is all I’ve needed but it’s too late. Now, I’ve spent a year dealing with the crushing rejection each time he shows me I really don’t matter to him. Like, I expect a handshake rather than a hug. We were out at the weekend with friends (happens about once a year) and he barely spoke to me as he was having such a lovely time chatting. He did talk to me as part of the group, but in a “Oh shit…forgot she was here” sort of a way and repeated things he’d already told me (it doesn’t register as it’s not important!). It absolutely SUCKS but, we get on ok day to day (we’re off on holiday tomorrow which is really odd and we had an amazing holiday in Feb!), don’t argue and as he’s away so much we can keep things going for the sake of the DC. He doesn’t want to get divorce and I know he hasn’t thought through the fact that we won’t have the whole retiring together dream he’s banked on. I did mention that if we couldn’t fix the relationship that we’d have to get divorced and he’d see the DC every other weekend & 1 night during the week and the animals would have to live with me because of his job. He didn’t like that. 🙄

I agree with others that your wistful notions of relationship aren’t going to be realistic. You can’t have that. The good men (ie the ones capable of having the relationships you’re after) are all taken. Sure, there will be some but they’re thin on the ground. It tales years to make that kind of bond with someone. My H was looking forward to growing old and holding hands but can’t even remember to include me in conversations. I’m the wrong side of 50 and absolutely do not want a still single 50 year bloke nor do I want someone who hasn’t managed to have a successful marriage.

Do be aware that once you have this conversation, it’s only got two ways to go. It is incredibly hurtful to hear that the person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with and have made a family with doesn’t want you. Your DH is completely in his rights to not want anything to do with you. Just as you are completely permitted to no longer love him. It’s absolutely horrendous to have to deal with and something I don’t think anyone thinks they’ll have to deal with when they’re walking down the aisle. Make sure things haven’t gone too far. My H didn’t address this when it could have been fixed and now he’s basically boxed me off and mentally moved on. If there’s a chance that you can salvage things then try to do something about it. Try a separation? Ultimately, you’re looking at splitting up your family and fundamentally changing the future you both had planned. Is it really dead or can you find a compromise? For us, I’m just going to keep going for as long as I can for the sake of the DC. I have no career (thanks Big Important Man Job!), live miles away from my family as we’re now not moving, live somewhere I don’t like, drive a car I didn’t choose, don’t really go out as he always is with “work” and it’s a bit grim. It’s going to be interesting how long H can last when he realises I have no fucks left to give and will no longer pander to his narcissistic proclivities. Might move things along a bit! We’ll still do holidays together, days out and basically act like a happy family but I know we’ll not be together forever.

Good luck.

As a lone parent, I find your assurance about the greener grass quite amusing. Hopefully your husband will still keep filling his role in your life after you have discarded him no? And these passionately interesting men? They don’t exist or they are dating 20 year olds. I got divorced because my husband was a bad man. Your husband seems perfectly nice, just not exciting enough for you. By all means, leave to be more fulfilled alone but this fantasy you have created in your head doesn’t exist.

I understand how you are feeling but life isn't a fairy tale with a guaranteed happy ever after. Keeping romance / attraction alive isn't easy when you see someone at their worst day in, day out for years. And relationships need some maintenance. I've fantasised about meeting my true soul mate whom I would be excited to be with forever, but really, I think it's a mirage.

Of course you couid divorce but there's no guarantee of anything better out there. And it doesn't sound like either of you have tried to work on what you do have.

Couples counselling could help, if only to help you make up your minds to split. Or you could try intentionally having child-free time together where you do things / go to events that you both enjoy, to build up your enjoyment in each other's company again. (Not easy with a young family, I know).

Or could you just be generally depressed? Suffering a "midlife crisis". Try talking to your GP as treatment might help.

Have you tried other ways of just improving your own life generally, e.g. starting up a new hobby or starting a new exercise routine?

Sound like generally your life is settled and calm, and a good stable home for your children. Is it time to dedicate a bit more time to yourself and find something new to throw yourself into? Go on a trip by yourself for a weekend? Its OK to want some more excitement in your life but that doesn't necessarily have to be romantic excitement. My advice would be try other things to expand your world and give you a buzz. Might make your appreciate the calm, predictable sanctuary of your home.

quite obviously you sound down. Possibly menopause related. Look into HRT. Then work on you. Focus on some of your own projects, get some excitement back into your life. Don’t break up your marriage because he irritates you. For the next month, find one thing a day you like about him, and tell him. Find one thing about yourself that you like too… I suspect you’ve been at the bottom of your own pile for ages.

Now the girls are older, you have more freedom. Find something just for you. what interests you? Biking, writing, learning something, a course, volunteering? Give yourself a year. Then recalibrate.

Yes you could split, but as you’ve pointed out your life will probably be a whole lot worse when single, and divorce has been shown to be hard on children. I wish I could cite the research & discuss that further, but it’s just something I remember reading, and noting that research has been done. Yes of course it is sometimes the absolute correct thing and far better for the children, and obviously also the spouse, eg when there is abuse. But general low level irritation is not enough to split up over. You’d still feel this when divorced and I bet you’d turn it on yourself.

cringey tho it sounds, I’d also recommend gratitude. There are some nice gratitude diaries on Amazon, start there? Ps and lack of sexual desire… menopause again. I relate!

It’s difficult when family life isn’t that bad, as it’s so tempting just to stay to keep everything in the status quo, especially for the kids.

But from my own experience, once you can’t stand to be around your husband and the thought of sex with him makes you cringe, it’s over.

So you have choices:

• Leave now while the kids are young
• Wait until they’ve left home and spend the next 8 years getting yourself into a good financial position
• Stay and have an affair

The worst decision would be to stay for now and then want to leave in 4-5 years when the kids are doing exams etc. I think you need to avoid the teenage years, so it’s now or much later imo.

I left and was instantly happier. My own little house, no DH, an exciting dating life with great sex. Yes, I had less money and being a single parent was tough, plus I had to navigate some tricky situations with my ex with new girlfriends etc, but I could never have stayed.

You get one life, OP.

It's 10 years less for your husband too. I think it would be very wrong to just stay with him whilst he presumably lives in ignorance and then dump him later.

Havr you talked to him about any of this?

Yep, you’ll be left with the ones either wanting to date a 21 year old or the ones who are holding a large fish in their dating profile picture and who are back living with their Mum wanting someone to do their washing. No thanks.

Period menopause, mid life crisis. All the data points at humans' unhappiness dipping until their early 50s and then rising again and becoming happier in later life. There can be several factors but the growing sense of one life, running out of time and is this it?

First all all, echoing other PPs, get out there and live some life for yourself. Sport, hobby, holiday, something that gives you joy outside your marriage and children. I did a post grad and it changed my life.

Your husband is the closest mirror to reflect your unhappiness and it is very easy to blame him but start looking at you first.

I divorced and remarried. Now a few years in, my second husband can be a complete dick. But I can't be arsed to divorce again and this time I am not interested in meeting someone new. My life is full of stuff for me and that makes me happy.

@Herecomesthe please read the post above from @TasWair

Take some time. Dont make any decisions in a hurry. Do things that make you happy.
See a GP re peri menopause / depression.
Try therapy.

Try everything first.

I am writing to you as a 44 year old recent divorcee who now lives in a tiny flat a few roads down from my kids. It is not all
it is cracked out to be. TRUST ME. It’s financially ruinous, I miss my children desperately although I have free time for myself, we have lost so much of what we built for 20+ years, and with regards to dating / finding passion - it’s a JUNGLE out there.

Please do all you can to try to get out of this low space you are in.

I say this with all empathy but as someone who has literally just imploded my life, I just want to say that divorce is not the utopia you might think it is.

This. I was in exactly the same position a few years ago. Waited for the kids to grow older and start leaving home for college etc. I still felt the same way but had tried to make life better in the meantime. Then we divorced which took years with Covid in between, even though it was amicable. A few years later the kids said they knew things weren’t right between us, they sensed it. Looking back, perimenopause and menopause played a large part in influencing the decision to divorce, but I wouldn’t change anything. Happily single now with no intention to meet anyone. The kind of relationship that the op is looking for probably doesn’t exist beyond the initial romantic stage, but hey, I could be wrong 😊

Sounds like you have been reading too many romance novels - my recommendation would be you need to start going out and doing some stuff for you as you sound to be resenting your partner but it takes two to make a relationship work. He shouldn’t be solely responsible for you happiness.

I think mid life is where we take stock ,and think of all the things we imagined when young.A wonderful RL ,children and so on .Life has a habit of wearing us down sadly .Bills ,mortgages ,just the day to day life erodes the best of us! Maybe a heart to heart with DH. What about a trip/lunch somewhere in the day when DC are at School . Peri menopause does take a toll sexually as well.I think just on MN there are so many horror stories here of men ( I couldnt sleep properly last week from reading about a poster anally raped by her husband)and women generally who are looking for the "one" and finding men who are twats .You seem to be in a rut, but are comfortable and have a nice life style .Maybe see the GP as well.just for a check up and maybe a little depressed.I think your DC will have noticed some tension ,how would they not notice you were crying?

Agree that you should go out and do things for you. The picture other people paint of the dating scene is probably accurate - it’s a desert out there! BUT signing up to another full life (20+ years possibly?) in a relationship of no sex, no intimacy, no connection beyond the mundane day to day is a sacrifice that you need to weigh up. Personally I’d rather be single than living with an ex lover who has become a housemate.

If I were you I would talk to your husband about how you feel and tell him there are parts that you really don’t think are salvageable - the sex part, for instance. From what you’ve said that’s not something you’ll just magically recapture. Once you’ve put your cards on the table maybe you will be able to work things out from there.

Good luck

We never have sex but it’s not sex I want more of. It’s passion and total dedication. I want to wake up in the morning and want to spend every second next to someone just to hear what they say next. I want to pamper and treat someone because I adore them.

Could it be that you are missing being a mother to little ones? This sounds like you desire that unconditional love of a new born.

Read up on limerence:

Limerence is a term coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov to describe a state of intense infatuation characterized by obsessive longing and an involuntary desire for emotional reciprocation from the "limerent object". It's often characterized by intense emotional swings, intrusive thoughts, and a fear of rejection.

Key Characteristics of Limerence:

Intense Longing:
Limerence involves a powerful and persistent desire for the "limerent object".

Intrusive Thoughts:
The limerent person is constantly preoccupied with the object of their affection, leading to intrusive thoughts and fantasies.

Emotional Swings:
Limerence is often associated with fluctuating feelings of exhilaration and despair, depending on perceived signs of reciprocation.

Uncertainty and Fear of Rejection:
The central feeling driving limerence is the uncertainty about whether the "limerent object" reciprocates feelings, leading to anxiety and fear of rejection.

Idealization:
Limerents tend to idealize the object of their affection, seeing them as perfect and potentially unavailable.

One-Sidedness:
Limerence is often one-sided, meaning the individual may not reciprocate the same level of intense feelings.

Causes and Contributing Factors:
Insecure Attachment Styles:
Some researchers believe that limerence may be related to insecure attachment styles, particularly anxious attachment, which can lead to a constant need for reassurance and fear of abandonment.

Neurochemical Processes:
Limerence may be linked to the release of certain neurotransmitters, such as dopamine, which can create an intoxicating and addictive feeling.

Psychological Vulnerabilities:
Individuals with certain psychological vulnerabilities, such as those with a history of trauma or low self-esteem, may be more susceptible to limerence.

If you think you might be experiencing limerence:
Seek professional help:
If limerence is interfering with your daily life or relationships, it's important to seek professional help.

Focus on self-care:
Prioritize your physical and mental health, and engage in activities that bring you joy and a sense of accomplishment.

I really feel for you, OP. You’re going through a very difficult period and it’s not sustainable to live like this long term. If you had said you wanted to be single, I might have agreed with you. But your fantasy of finding the ‘perfect’ relationship is very unlikely to happen.

To be blunt, the dating pool is very small. From the available men, lots will be commitment phobic, mummy’s boys who never grew up , narcissists or divorced for all sorts of reasons and probably having their own children. Even if you find your Prince Charming, he’ll still be middle aged with all that entails. Romance in your 40s is not the same as in your early twenties.

Also, you have your own DC to consider. If, as you say, they’re completely oblivious to the strain in your marriage, how do you think they’ll react when you suddenly announce you’re leaving? How would they react if you started dating? Would you be prepared to sacrifice your love life until they’re older/ more accepting of their mother dating another man?

If you decide to leave, do it for yourself and to build a single life that you love. If another partner will slot into that at some point, fine. But before you leave, speak to your husband, try counselling, do everything in your power to stay together. The grass is rarely greener when you don’t have realistic expectations.

OP you've actually got everything and yet seem to want to throw it all away for a fantasy. It might be better all round if you could work out your issues with your husband. You may be depressed or at least need to inject some challenge in the day to day. The pain and suffering you are contemplating inflicting on those nearest to you can't be underestimated.

This is a great time for you to have therapy. You're in mid life, your hormones will be changing, you want to feel regenerated. Find out who you are in yourself then decide if your marriage has a future.

Your post is full of longing for something that is unlikely to exist beyond a couple of years in reality but it gives you an insight into your own unmet needs and desires. Figure them out, then figure out if your husband can help you meet them.

It does sound like your marriage is all but over BUT the grass will not necessarily be greener, there isn’t a long line of eligible men queuing up for mid 40’s women with dc, I was that woman (my ex left me) and the dating market is horrible. I did meet someone, I got lucky but crucially my dc were already adults so I hadn’t got the burden of caring for dc. You are looking at your potential future through rose tinted glasses. I’d seriously recommend counselling first, for you only to really work out what you want, remembering fairy tales aren’t true

As everyone has said, you seem to be a bit unrealistic about long term relationships and what the dating scene is out there. I would also look into perimenopause.
And then I would try new things with or without him.

Is it me or does the idea of a ‘passionate’ 45 year old man make you want to cringe yourself inside out? it sounds very tiresome to live with.

I desperately want to be in a different kind of relationship, one where there is complete dedication and unconditional love, where I’d run through fire just for a hug with someone.

Is that realistic? Are you sure you aren't just reading too many romantic novels and TV programmes? A lot of relationships settle down to something more mundane and realistic after a more passionate phase. It sounds like it might be possible to reconnect if you are both up for this.

Is it really yourself you need to work on? Maybe it's not the relationship that is the problem. A lot of people move on and on from relationships and jobs and then find out the issue was them all along.