Marriage fine but fucked. Stuck.

[Herecomesthe]

I’m crying this morning and have been so down the past couple of weeks.

My marriage is fine. I’m 44, married 14 years to a man I’ve been with since 21. DDs 12 and 10. He‘s kind, earns well, does more than his fair share of house and kids stuff.

But…

I am not sexually attracted to him any more in the least. There is no spark, no passion. I find so many of the little things he does incredibly irritating. The way he eats, the way he says certain words, how he overuses the same jokey expressions again and again. Tiny, inconsequential things that drive me mad. We used to joke about how annoying his dad is (lovely man but so annoying on so many micro levels). I can see my DH turning into his father before my eyes.

I’m not perfect. He may well be similarly irritated with me, but we stopped having proper conversations many years ago. It’s entirely functional now, and whilst we occasionally make each other laugh and have fun with friends it is becoming more and more difficult to feel alive.

I love and respect him. We have built a life. Things are totally fine. Calm for the kids, who we both love deeply. But at the same time, I feel completely trapped. I desperately want to be in a different kind of relationship, one where there is complete dedication and unconditional love, where I’d run through fire just for a hug with someone.

We never have sex but it’s not sex I want more of. It’s passion and total dedication. I want to wake up in the morning and want to spend every second next to someone just to hear what they say next. I want to pamper and treat someone because I adore them. When I think about doing those things with DH it makes me feel queasy. He’s like a brother now.

I have thought about leaving. But it would be awful on the kids, financially ruinous (if affordable at all) and would I even get what I need afterwards anyway? But I feel so trapped. I am really feeling it this week. Like the rest of my life is just this.

i see some of my divorced friends. New partner, financially sorted, and I am so so jealous. They look at my marriage and think it’s perfect. But here I am in tears.

If you’re unhappy then of course you should leave. But you have some really odd ideas about romance and relationships. I wonder if having been with dh since you were so young is clouding things? The way you talk about a new relationship is really unrealistic and like something out of a cheesy romance. Real life isn’t really like that - you might have that “omg they’re my world” feeling for a few months and then it calms down and you see them as just another person, like you. I’m wondering if settling down so young has made you feel you’re now missing out on things?

I am 44 and I’ve been married twice, been in 3 long term relationships and if dh left tomorrow I would rather be on my own now as I know after a while it all becomes pretty much the same old shite. Someone will be along to say I’m wrong and they’ve been having butterflies with their dh for 40 years but you only have to read the posts here and talk to people to know that’s unusual.

Sounds like peri menopause to me... because realistically, you know life isn't a Bridgerton novel with unconditional love and running through flames right??? Make an appointment to speak to your Gp about HRT / depression before you make any kind of decision.

I think you're being totally unrealistic about what you're looking for - and the way you describe it doesn't sounds healthy anyway. You want to become some kind of obsessive but subservient person who's utterly infatuated and can see no wrong in their partner? Ugh.

I'm really intrigued about why you think that vision is either realistic or desirable?

I promise you it won’t get better - if you leave now you can still have a new lovely life with someone else. If you wait 10 years that becomes more difficult. The kids will be fine - financially it will work out. The freedom you will feel will be worth it. You will probably look back at things that weren’t as great as you thought.

Have you tried to talk to your husband about this? Maybe saying it aloud to him would be the first step in resolving this, whichever way you go. You sound very alone in these thoughts, and they also sound very normal for someone in your situation. I can really relate to the "roommates" feeling. It takes a lot of work and commitment to overcome that. It's definitely worth talking it through, and maybe in couple's therapy, before making any irreversible decisions about leaving. Good luck to you :)

I immediately thought of Butterflies with Wendy Craig whwn I read your post.

Try talking and counselling first. You had the running through fire thing at the start of this relationship presumably, you can get it back if you both make the effort. Marriage is a commitment.

I think that you have an unreasonable expectation of what marriage should be like.
But if you are genuinely so unhappy it is affecting your life then make plans to leave, there is no guarantee you will find what you are looking for though

I’m fairly sure my parents disliked each other for some of my childhood, or at least found things hard and argued a lot. They were quite open in saying that they’d made a commitment to staying together until their youngest child was eighteen so we were never worried either of them would actually leave (there was some humour in it!).

Bizarrely, they seem to be each others favourite person these days, so things must have changed as they got older (and maybe as life got less stressful?). I’m not in your position so I can’t really advise, just giving a perspective from a ‘child’.

If you leave then it has to be on the condition that you are leaving for yourself, not to find someone else. With respect, your kids will be aware as previous PP said. I remember growing up and had 2 friends who commented as teens (maybe 14?) about their parents - they just knew they didn't like each other. Trust me, they won't be completely unaware.

I want to wake up in the morning and want to spend every second next to someone just to hear what they say next. I want to pamper and treat someone because I adore them.

You can want these things, but do you think you will be able to have them? It's a huge gamble. I agree with the posters saying this is a reality of long term marriages, and that it could be something that changes over time. I would be looking into therapy for myself, and then maybe with DH so he can see how you are worried that he's turning into his father. Also agree with getting some new hobbies, and a new personal goal. All encompassing passionate love for evermore isn't a good aim for a healthy life.

I want to wake up in the morning and want to spend every second next to someone just to hear what they say next.

Do you really think this is sustainable or even desirable over a lifetime? Genuine question. I love my DH. We’ve been together 20 years. But my love for him is very far from this “can’t get enough” addiction you describe. Sure that feelings a rush but I cannot imagine it ever lasting a lifetime or even long enough to raise a family.

Why aren’t you having sex with him? Is that your choice, or his?
If you are not feeling it , it’s quite possibly hormonal, and you might not feel it for anyone. Maybe peri/menopause is the issue?

I feel for you OP, it must be tough. Have you tried relationship therapy to reconnect as a couple? I think sometimes in long relationships we do go off one another, it may be short lived or more fundamental.

The way you’ve described your DH and your feelings i wonder if giving this counselling a go before you decide will be helpful. First tho you need to speak to your DH. Does your current arrangement work for him, regardless it doesn’t work for you. Seek help, see if that makes a change in the way you see him.

Curious, were you ever in a state of mind where you would run through fire to your DH? If so there could be a higher chance of finding that again.

I've been looking for the kind of love you're looking for for 63 years and never found it OP despite 3 .marriages and other relationships. I thought I had once but he turned out to be a love bombing cheater and liar.
I'd settle for a decent husband even if there was little spark. There is plenty of spark with people who mess you up.
I think the starting point is be honest with your husband about this and start counselling. Maybe he would agree to an open marriage or similar.

Love is a verb.
If I were you I’d make a plan. Two weeks of small loving actions from you, cups of tea, compliments, I saw this picture/ article and thought of you. Set a date on your phone to review. It might well be that he responds and you’re happier and starting to fall in love again. If you don’t feel any different talk to him. Talk to him about how you feel, get counselling, read books on relationships together, plan a weekend away.
For all the reasons you mention leaving is the last option.

The grass is very much not always greener OP. And this is very much a thing mid 40’s to mid 50’s. I know you won’t appreciate that being said and it seems dismissive, but it’s worth considering before you chuck it all in.

Hard agree with this.
If he is fundamentally a good, kind and decent man, it is worth trying to refind each other, if you still have love and respect for him. Love and relationships in the second half of life are not like they are in your 20s. It sounds like you are imagining some sort of movie style marriage. Instead you have real life.. It can feel boring and safe, but what is the alternative like? Drama, chaos, upheaval and uncertainty.

I am prepared to bet that half the supposedly happy friends aren't really all that happy. You only see their public facing image, not what goes on behind their front door. I bet their spouses have plenty of irritating habits.

I found the stage you are at with kids the hardest. They are less needy than little kids but not at a point where you can have proper conversation with them either. And it coincided with me starting perimenopause.

Awful for he children ?

Parents that never have a proper conversation; never laugh together; never display any affection

a mother who has spent the morning crying and last few weeks very down

sounds happy home life to you?

But what is the alternative? Financial ruin and unlikely that she is going to find the man of her dreams as they have all been taken.

Everyone fantasises.

OP a few questions:

1. if your DH dropped dead tomorrow how do you think you might feel?
2. any chance you are in the menopause and is there other people you find irritating (trying to gauge is it just DH or others too?)
3. if you moved out and didn’t find another partner, lived by yourself for the next 40 years how would you feel? (This is a potential outcome and you need to make sure you aren’t romanticising your friends new relationships)

Don't give what sounds like a wonderful life up, OP.

Being a single parent to two teenagers is bloody hard work. I certainly don't have time to date. In fact I haven't dated for over 5 years now (divorced 10).

I have to make all the decisions on my own. I have a good job and salary, but I never have any money. Life is hard fucking work. I'm currently trying to do some DIY as I can't afford someone to do it. Trying is the right word!

I do anything to go back to what you describe. (I mean, i didn't have your choice as he DID have an affair and leave. His life has worked out perfectly. Don't get me wrong, mine isn't awful. I own a nice house in a v nice area and have a good job. But you can forget about any type of love life!).

Marriage is hard and needs constant work. Have you not put the effort I over the years?

I think you need to go to counselling.

Your expectations on what a long term marriage should be is unrealistic. I also think this is wider than your DH as you mention you would also like to be separated from your DDs (but have them close by)

Your DH sounds like a decent man.

It sounds like this marriage is worth fighting for.