Marriage fine but fucked. Stuck.

[Herecomesthe]

I’m crying this morning and have been so down the past couple of weeks.

My marriage is fine. I’m 44, married 14 years to a man I’ve been with since 21. DDs 12 and 10. He‘s kind, earns well, does more than his fair share of house and kids stuff.

But…

I am not sexually attracted to him any more in the least. There is no spark, no passion. I find so many of the little things he does incredibly irritating. The way he eats, the way he says certain words, how he overuses the same jokey expressions again and again. Tiny, inconsequential things that drive me mad. We used to joke about how annoying his dad is (lovely man but so annoying on so many micro levels). I can see my DH turning into his father before my eyes.

I’m not perfect. He may well be similarly irritated with me, but we stopped having proper conversations many years ago. It’s entirely functional now, and whilst we occasionally make each other laugh and have fun with friends it is becoming more and more difficult to feel alive.

I love and respect him. We have built a life. Things are totally fine. Calm for the kids, who we both love deeply. But at the same time, I feel completely trapped. I desperately want to be in a different kind of relationship, one where there is complete dedication and unconditional love, where I’d run through fire just for a hug with someone.

We never have sex but it’s not sex I want more of. It’s passion and total dedication. I want to wake up in the morning and want to spend every second next to someone just to hear what they say next. I want to pamper and treat someone because I adore them. When I think about doing those things with DH it makes me feel queasy. He’s like a brother now.

I have thought about leaving. But it would be awful on the kids, financially ruinous (if affordable at all) and would I even get what I need afterwards anyway? But I feel so trapped. I am really feeling it this week. Like the rest of my life is just this.

i see some of my divorced friends. New partner, financially sorted, and I am so so jealous. They look at my marriage and think it’s perfect. But here I am in tears.

You need a private endocrinologist (simply because of the waiting time on the NHS) and a copy of Madam Bovary by Flaubert.

Love this. Give me a man who fetches soup and paracetamol when I'm poorly over one who tries to get in my knickers when I'm not in the mood! Yuck. Absolute dedication sounds terrifying. What happens when you fall off that pedestal? It's a long way down!

If you're unhappy go to counselling alone or as a couple and if that doesn't help, end the marriage

BUT remember...... what you're looking for doesn't exist long term (in my experience)

Chances are you'll end up in a similar type of relationship in 15 years

I wonder if your feelings might be hormone related?

Can you try to talk to DH about how you feel?

That feeling of wanting to flee the house is very common in peri.

I do a lot of solo travelling. So does DH. Could you explore that, OP? And I always return refreshed and more tolerant. It brings excitement into our lives. On MN it's often considered a cardinal sin to go away on your own but I always have.

I think if you would genuinely rather be single than stay married then perhaps it's worth considering ending your marriage. But leaving in the hope that you'll find "the one" would be like selling your house and using the proceeds to buy lottery tickets - it would be a MASSIVE gamble and one that's unlikely to pay off.

For every person I this thread who is happier for ending their marriage, there appear to be many, many more who regret it.

I think it's a other aspect of consumerism, that we feel we've 'failed' in some way if we don't have the perfect relationship as well as the perfect house/car/children.

This is exactly what the ' for better. For worse" bit of the marriage vows means!
You're not meant to give up during the ' for worse' bits!

I think anyone can give up at any time if they want to.

But I also think long term marriages/relationships are hard work. Especially when tested by kids, illness, deaths, job loss, job stress...

You are in a transition phase of life:

Children who need you less - shifting role as a mother.

Peri/meno pause - we are so controlled by our neurochemistry.

Relationship change - being built on parenting partnership now less intense.

Reflect on these within yourself and maybe take these opportunties to start new hobbies, self care, creative pursuits etc. Take some time away. Think about chnaging career. Build up your girlfriend network etc. Get some counselling for yourself.

Agree with this. To me there's a difference from things being a bit stale to finding everything they do irritating and the romantic side dead as a dodo. If it was me I'd wait until they were over teenage years and then leave. I'm not someone who feels you have to have a man to be happy and would choose a small house on my own to a large house living with someone I found so annoying though. I know others would feel differently though.

You just struck such a painful chord with me - I was there too, where so many little things she’d say or do would grate like scraping nails on a blackboard, where I’d be thinking ‘is this all there is?’
Sorry but I can’t offer any useful advice, just tell you you’re not alone - when the love runs out, it won’t come back - that the grass isn’t always greener - if you’re going to go then be prepared to be on your own, keep your friends close.

My mother was just like you OP. Never happy. Always miserable and believing she deserved more. She had a string of affairs and finally ran off with a much younger man when I was in my teens. Honestly? Me and my siblings breathed a sigh of relief when she left and took all her drama with her.

My long suffering dad actually remarried and had a wonderful, happy marriage up until he died. My mother didn’t like that he found happiness one little bit. She is still married but isn’t any happier. She’s forever chasing the dream in her head (and not catching it) so she never will be truly happy. She’s missed out on so many things. Being part of her children’s lives for one.

Think long and hard about your next steps. Think about what you’re doing to your children now. They’re not stupid. They can see the type of relationship you and their Dad have. One of the most vivid memories of my childhood is when I had a friend to tea when I was about 12… and she turned to me and said “your parents are weird, they don’t talk to each other.” I was mortified that she noticed. But she was right.

Funnily enough I’ve never married. Hardly surprising is it? But I’m very happy on my own. Unless you can be happy on your own you’ll find very quickly that the grass is not greener on the other side.

You’ve had plenty of very good advice on here and I suggest you take it before you throw away everything for a pipe dream.

I think that there is a difference here. Its one thing to want to move out and potentially or definitely live alone and know that if you don't find another relationship that you will be happy. That's what i would call a realistic expectation. What concerns me here is that the OP's wished for option does not seem to be realistic and is accompanied by a LOT of crying. Kindly (and from experience) to me this says hormones. I am not saying that the OP shouldn't leave but I DO think its important for the OP to (as others have said in other words) look at what is under the hormonal feelings and/or get some help with managing the hormones.

Long term single, separated, co-parent here.

The upsides:
I have my own home, no other adult human annoys my homelife.

There is no burden of in laws.

All decisions are my own.

I can date and have new and exciting sex with whoever I want. I m motivated to maintain my appearance, due to regular dating.

There is never tension in my home.

Downsides:
Maintaining financial independence is relentless. I have no safety net (of a financial partner).

I m ploughing through perimenopause on my own. If I was married I would take some time off, but that's not an option, even though I ve worked for 25 years.

I must plough money into my pension, there is no hubby s pension pot for me.

All house maintenance and life maintenance fall on me (no shit sherlock)! I don't think people realise how relentless this is.

Middle aged single men are entitled. While I can date and have casual sex whenever I want to, the available men are of questionable suitability.

The house can be boring when my teenage children are gone.

Small minded people and nosey people judge single women. I can be on the receiving end of bored married couple's curiosity and/or jealousy. My conservative relatives try to degrade my lifestyle choices to dissuade their own offspring against splitting up.

OP - There is no walking through fire passion, it doesn't exist. The best we can hope for, is to actually enjoy the company of our life partners.

I also agree that OP should discuss her ennui with her doctor. Perhaps this is a mid life crisis. There might be ways to inject fun and contentment back into life, HRT might help.

Consider other ways to entertain yourself, consider new hobbies and friendship groups.

HRT can be an absolute lifesaver for many, including me.

OP - There is no walking through fire passion, it doesn't exist. The best we can hope for, is to actually enjoy the company of our life partners.

I think it can exist but not all the time and it manifests in different ways. I'd call Lindsey and Rob Burrow a couple with walk through fire passion.

I think it might be a case of ‘the grass isn’t always as green’. I love my dh to pieces, and I know he adores me. But I’d happily sleep alone forever as he annoys the shit out of me in bed, our sex life is meh, but. I proper belly laugh with him, fancy him and adore him. But there are lots of little things I could happily throttle him for.

Firstly does he have ANY idea you feel like this. Would having relationship councilling help? Raising kids is difficult and you’re coming out the other side of it now, so now’s the time to try and fix it.

But if you’re adamant it’s broken, then leave, you may find a passion with someone, but you might not.

So much good advice on here , particularly the post from @EuclidianGeometryFan .

It is so easy to get bogged down, to stop making the effort but can i make one small suggestion that works for me.

At supper, we each bring one interesting topic to the table and that includes the children! It can be something that happened that day or something we read in a paper, book or magazine; something we heard on Radio 4-always a fertile ground for topics-or even a thread on Mumsnet!

It's not regimented-we don't have ten minutes each or something like that but it means we are never short of something to talk about and it helps to see each other as people.

If the children are too small, then couples might do it over a glass of wine once a week when the children are in bed.

All this said, I am not panting to hear my husband's thoughts every moment of every day and nor he mine!

@Herecomesthe I'm sorry you're feeling like this, it's really hard.

I was with my exDH for 20 years and we separated 18 months ago. Although I was the one who instigated the separation, it was mutual (although he wouldn't admit it) as he checked out years ago, and was pretty emotionally abusive towards the end.

But I had been unhappy for years, feeling that the spark had gone, we were like brother and sister. I think my exDH and I had become quite incompatible in how we wanted to live everyday life, our goals, interests etc. We had marriage counselling twice which didn't really do much.

We now live 10 minutes away from each other, which works out well for our dc (both teens).

It's been so difficult and heartbreaking at times but I'm so glad that I did it. The freedom, autonomy and peace that I feel now has made everything worth it. I feel I can be me again, whereas i felt very stifled and repressed in my marriage. My mental health was at rock bottom when I was in the marriage, now it's so much better. I feel very sad for the dc sometimes but my exDH and I are pretty amicable, and have tried to make all the changes go as smoothly as possible, and they seem to have adjusted ok.

I must admit, I also had this idea of maybe finding deep connection, sparks and love with someone else. I haven't actually been dating or even tried to meet anyone, but I happened to meet someone I really connected with a few months ago. There is the amazing chemistry and attraction, but what I'm realising is that he is not perfect (no one is) and there are now different challenges and issues to the ones I had with my exDH. I'm taking things very slowly, and actually just seeing how things go without any expectation. I've realised that I can feel peaceful and happy on my own, so if a relationship can add anything to that, great, otherwise I will be fine to stay single!

Everyone's situation is so different though. You say that your DH is a good man - that's definitely worth a lot. Have you tried marriage counselling? Also could part of it be the general grind of family life just getting on top of you? I know in the last few years of my marriage, I was craving my own space. I even thought of maybe buying a camper van so I could go off and spend time on my own.

As PPs have said, that initial attraction with anyone would eventually fade and life would probably become a bit mundane again. But I think, having said that, some relationships are more fulfilling and compatible for us than others. But then there is obviously the dc to consider, as well as probably finances and other logistics - it's just not an easy decision to make, I know!

Sending you solidarity 💐

It sounds like you just want to flee your responsibilities.
The grass isn't always greener. Think very carefully about what you'll be giving up.

I posted up thread, basically saying what the majority are. But just to add - during covid I felt like I no longer loved my DH. Our lives became small with all the restrictions and his fussiness over avoiding catching the virus (bleaching shopping wrappers etc), though based on a genuine health concern, irritated the hell out of me.

Luckily I was still able to work outside the house and due to fears of catching covid, we had separate bedrooms for a while. I fantasised frequently over a long ago ex that I still kept in touch with. It was me who broke it up but all I could remember were the passionate good times.

I met up with the ex after a while (we have always met up sporadically, DH aware). This time I was free to spend longer with him (whole evening, rather than an hour or two) and during that time he showed me all the things that I hadn't liked about him before. That burst my romantic bubble, I can tell you!

Since then, I feel happier and more settled with DH. It's not perfect but he's a good person, we can talk for hours and, now our kids are grown, spend quality time together a lot more - days out, working on home projects together etc.

I still get annoyed with him at times - I like my own space these days a lot more than I used to. But we both have hobbies and friends that we do separately and I now have more time to indulge these. I realise I have a good life that I absolutely wouldn't want to lose, even if I don't exactly get excited about seeing him and don't always want to spend time with him.

It comes down to whether or not you can talk for hours and feel fulfilled. A lot of people are working on the presumption that “fine” means there is still an emotional connection even if the physical/intense desire has left. Is that the case?

In my case it was that I no longer really cared about making him laugh, or being my best self, or touching/being affectionate. When the children were young he had been distant and I always put our relationship ending down to that. But when I reflected I realised that somewhere along the way the feelings had just gone. And I think some posters are being a bit naive thinking those feelings can come back.

You need to evaluate why you feel the way you feel, how long you’ve felt that way, and if you’d genuinely be happier single. There might not be “walk through a fire” passion in your future, but that doesn’t mean you need to choose to stay with someone who became a stranger a while ago.

But if you can genuinely spend hours in his company and feel fulfilled, entertained, comfortable, etc, then don’t leave.

The only unconditional love is between parent and child. Love between adults is always conditional i.e. it can change depending on behaviour/ actions just like it has with your DH. You would be nuts to blow up your marriage for something that doesn’t even exist.

This is what i was going to say OP. I think you need to get out on your own and do something just for yourself. Hopefully it will give you a sense of freedom and it might help you appreciate your OH a bit more when you get back as well. As they say absence makes the heart grow fonder.

The idea that everyone who divorces mid 40's ends up in some wonderful romantic life with a man who would walk through hot coals for them is unrealistic. The reality may be far, far more mundane and frankly tedious when you're trying to pay all the bills and sort everything out on your own. Also as you head towards 50 you'll find that 50 year old men don't want 50 year old women - they want 30 year old women. So how do you feel about dating older men? How many mid 50's/60's men have you found really attractive recently?

I understand the dream OP, who wouldn't want that? But you sound pretty lucky to me. Maybe you need to put more time and effort into your relationship and try to get it back to what it once was?

So to recap....

in your fantasy brain...

You have some imaginary unicorn relationship that exists only in fantasy land

It’s passion and total dedication. I want to wake up in the morning and want to spend every second next to someone just to hear what they say next. I want to pamper and treat someone because I adore them.

and you dont want custody of your own children...you want to "escape them" and pop in on them from time to time

to buy my own place round the corner, just so that I can escape but not be far from the kids

Kindly but honeslty this reads as just wreckless
You are having some kind of midlife crisis.
Get a therapist.