Annulling marriage as spouse is trans?

[confusedpasty]

Hi everyone,

I got married 3 months ago. I have been with my now husband for 7 years and prior to the wedding, we honestly had a fantastic relationship. We also have a 14 month old boy. We are best friends and have shared everything together and talked about having more children after the wedding.

Intimacy has trailed off a bit since our baby was born, mostly on my part actually as I haven’t felt in the mood much, but I guess from his side too. Anyway, I thought this was just a phase due to our circumstances and was excited for the wedding.

Slight relevant background - my husband has always been more ‘feminine’ if you can call it that, as in interested in clothes and hair and underwear etc. No problem, loved him for who he was and we got on great.

Fast forward to after the wedding - no sex despite me trying and trying. 12 weeks have now passed since our wedding so I finally sat him down last night and asked what’s going on. He told me that he feels ashamed to admit it, but that deep down he feels he is transgender and his true feelings are that he identifies as a woman and that sex now feels disgusting to him as he’s not behaving like his true self?

Lots of crying and emotion followed - he begged me to support him and stay if he chooses to transition publicly, I feel that I cannot do this. I am torn. He has gone to stay with his mum for a few days whilst I process this.

I know this is a bit of a niche situation, but has anyone out there faced a similar situation? I am considering applying for an annulment, I think this would be fair on the grounds we haven’t consummated the marriage? Husband says he would contest this. I am so, so confused and haven’t yet told anyone in real life.

I imagine she'll read all of the posts, and may or may not consider some/any/all of them helpful, though it's unclear to me why you think I've said anything at all about her husband's likely reasonableness, or otherwise, in future...

"You've made your point, I've made mine..." aka but I wanted the last word, stop arguing with me. If you want to stop discussing an issue, all you have to do is stop responding. It's up to other people whether they want to address your points or not.

I imagine she'll read all of the posts, and may or may not consider some/any/all of them helpful, though it's unclear to me why you think I've said anything at all about her husband's likely reasonableness, or otherwise, in future...

He sounds manipulative and selfish - as though he didn't want to tell you before because he thought that once you were married you would just agree to go along with what he wanted.

A better man would accept that he had completely changed the terms of the marriage and do everything he could to help you get it annulled.

Marriages are about sex. It's why non-consummation is grounds for annulment.

I'm not sure how to answer that since my comment was not about the OP's situation but about transphobic comments from people responding to the situation.

If you're asking whether I would think a different course of action by the OP would be advisable, then no. I have already said I think the OP should probably seek an annulment, as she wants. I would feel the same way if her husband identified as a cat.

If he cared about her "inner turmoil" perhaps he would understand why the OP doesn't want to stay in a sexless marriage with someone who is transitioning and agree to separate in a way that is least harmful for her and their child. Instead he seems to think she would stick around because he wants support.

She doesn't want to and she doesn't have to, thankfully.

Can't spot sarcasm when it's staring you in the face. Don't know why I'm surprised, can't spot any empathy for the OP either. Seems the only thing you can do is cheerlead for gaslighting shits when they pull out the super special trans card. How about YOU be kind to the OP, instead of expecting her to lay down all her comfort, security and boundaries at the altar of the sacred caste? This is NOT the person she married, and she shouldn't expect to remain trapped in this marriage either because heaven forbid he gets offended.

If she wants to leave this marriage, there should be NO reason why she should be coerced or forced into staying. NONE. Anything less is an abusive in itself.

I agree, and you have made my point nicely for me. Nobody here can attribute motive to anybody else or decide this is how things are when we are not involved and don't know the people involved. We can only consider varying perspectives and think in terms of "mights", not "shoulds".

I'm not expecting anything of the OP, I haven't responded to her post and I haven't said she should remain in the marriage. Instead of going purple and fulminating into the ether, I suggest you actually read my comments.

May I gently point you in the direction of therapy?

My husband has been in touch this morning in tears again begging me not to end our marriage and says that I should be teaching our son kindness and to be accepting, not embedding transphobia from the beginning of his life. His words not mine.

He is so manipulative it’s vile. This isn’t about transphobia. This is about a person leading you down a merry path, not being honest and tying you into a legal contract that you can’t just walk away from without getting other parties involved. And now because you’re quite rightly asserting that you didn’t sign up to be married to a trans woman, he’s calling you transphobic. That’s disgusting. Based on this manipulation alone I would divorce him, block him and only communicate about child contact through a parenting app. I would be willing to bet money that he is going to twist the narrative to you knowing all along he trans and that you suddenly decided you couldn’t be supportive any longer, possibly because of post natal hormones and that he’s the victim in all of this. Poor bloke!

DO NOT trust this man one iota. He is a proven liar and manipulator. He is also using your child as emotional blackmail to get you to submit to his wants regardless of how you feel. Your feelings do not matter. Only his feelings matter and anything that doesn’t go along with him is phobic. He’s just another abusive man telling a woman to submit to his desires and his lifestyle or he will be emotionally abusive, use the children as a weapon and be purposefully obstructive to cause her distress.

I would be making this common knowledge amongst my friends and family immediately so that they can support you and stop this man from twisting your melon.

At the end of the day if he had said

1. Nope, cannot have sex with you as I want another woman everyone would say LTB.

2. If he stated his realisation that he was gay and just wants to have sex with men, everyone would say get the marriage annulled. No one would expect the OP to stay with him, despite the fact he is 'the same man she always knew'. Doubt anyone would call her homophobic.

3. But because he has stated he is trans, wants to 'become a woman', and still have sex with women seems to imply to some people she should stay with him and help with his 'inner turmoil'.

Nope - the goal posts have moved, the marriage is not what she thought it was and declaring that not to stay in the marriage is transphobic is such a glaring double standard and pure gaslighting.

Partially, yes.

Consummation to legitimise a marriage is actually a religious construct, as are many of our laws.

I think it's interesting that despite the OP's marriage qualifying for annulment on two grounds, both relating to the husband, posters are trying to argue that it's the husband not the wife who deserves support and sympathy.

@confusedpasty who is on your rental contract? Can you renegotiate with your landlord to have his name removed and for you to change the locks? He can't just walk in then.

Yep #bekind seems to only apply to women bending over backwards to appease men.

Finished what?

Oh, we have read your comments. And they're very useful for the OP, to begin to understand the kind of logical and moral shifting she is going to have to be dealing with.

If the OP had wanted to marry a woman, she would have. Legally, I can't see any problem with having an annulment granted. Morally, too.

https://www.gov.uk/how-to-annul-marriage

The only thing that need concern us here is the actual law:

Your marriage is ‘voidable’
You can annul a marriage for a number of reasons, such as:

• it was not consummated - you have not had sexual intercourse with the person you married since the wedding (does not apply for same sex couples)
• you did not properly consent to the marriage - for example you were forced into it
• the other person had a sexually transmitted disease (STD) when you got married
• your spouse was pregnant by someone else when you got married

one spouse is in the process of transitioning to a different gender

Therapy for not agreeing with your nonsense?!

@Pupinskipops I'm not sure how to answer that since my comment was not about the OP's situation but about transphobic comments from people responding to the situation.

Would you copy and paste just three short quotes that demonstrate what you call transphobia? You've accused the thread of transphobia a number of times but not provided any evidence to support that.

Ah. Can't respond to my reply rationally, so resorts to insult.

hes a manipulative arsehole

accusing you of transpjobia? ffs why does it always come down to that

he lied and used you-dont let him in your house and see a solicitor

@Pupinskipops

Don't forget that mere misgenderings, or expressions of sex realism, are no longer sufficient. We've got the Supreme Court behind us now 😎