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Original poster

Annulling marriage as spouse is trans?

1000 replies

confusedpasty · 24/05/2025 19:09

Hi everyone,

I got married 3 months ago. I have been with my now husband for 7 years and prior to the wedding, we honestly had a fantastic relationship. We also have a 14 month old boy. We are best friends and have shared everything together and talked about having more children after the wedding.

Intimacy has trailed off a bit since our baby was born, mostly on my part actually as I haven’t felt in the mood much, but I guess from his side too. Anyway, I thought this was just a phase due to our circumstances and was excited for the wedding.

Slight relevant background - my husband has always been more ‘feminine’ if you can call it that, as in interested in clothes and hair and underwear etc. No problem, loved him for who he was and we got on great.

Fast forward to after the wedding - no sex despite me trying and trying. 12 weeks have now passed since our wedding so I finally sat him down last night and asked what’s going on. He told me that he feels ashamed to admit it, but that deep down he feels he is transgender and his true feelings are that he identifies as a woman and that sex now feels disgusting to him as he’s not behaving like his true self?

Lots of crying and emotion followed - he begged me to support him and stay if he chooses to transition publicly, I feel that I cannot do this. I am torn. He has gone to stay with his mum for a few days whilst I process this.

I know this is a bit of a niche situation, but has anyone out there faced a similar situation? I am considering applying for an annulment, I think this would be fair on the grounds we haven’t consummated the marriage? Husband says he would contest this. I am so, so confused and haven’t yet told anyone in real life.

OP posts:
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GreenLeavesEveryday · 25/05/2025 12:41

forgotmyusername1 · 25/05/2025 12:28

Had her husband said 'I am sorry, this was a mistake and this is my true self. I understand if you want an annulment/ divorce and I will do my best to make this change as easy as possible and I want to be there for my son' then I would have more respect for him and his inner turmoil.

Yes I feel the same

InfoSecInTheCity · 25/05/2025 12:42

Pupinskipops · 25/05/2025 12:08

Fair, if the OP's interest in the marriage was purely about sex and appearance, in which case it was probably doomed to fail from the outset regardless of any of the husband's actions, and annulment is probably in everyone's best interests.

You have no grounds for deciding the husband's transitioning is all about fetishism or mental illness - that's purely a function of your pre-conceived ideas of what is "normal". It's exactly how gays were treated not that long ago by people with bigoted ideas based on what they regarded as "the norm". The more gay people spoke out and became visible, the more they were accepted. It's not now regarded by most people as a fetish, mental illness, etc to be gay...

As a side-note, but not unrelated, patients with the neurological condition ME/CFS were not that long ago routinely considered mentally ill and dumped in an asylum. Even as recently as 2005 people with ME were being sectioned in this country. It's been recognised by WHO as having nothing to do with mental health since 1969, yet it took until 2021 for the NICE guideline for ME/CFS to recognise this and to retract it's advice that it should be treated as a mental illness. In the meantime, countless lives have been ruined by being dismissed as mentally ill. It's not a label to be groundlessly bandied about - it has serious real-life consequences.

I have been with my husband for 25 years, we’ve had periods where sex has been infrequent or absent, we’ve both lost and gained weight, our appearance has changed for good and bad over the years but our relationship has remained strong.

if he told me tomorrow that he is trans and wants to become a woman then our marriage would be over. We could try to remain friends, I would certainly want him to remain part of my life but we wouldn’t have a spousal relationship anymore, I have no interest in or attraction to women, I have a sexual and romantic relationship with a man and don’t particularly want a non-spouse roommate which is all the relationship could be past that revelation.

One member of the relationship doesn’t get to unilaterally change the entire dynamic of the relationship and then insist that the other party accept it whether they want to or not, that’s abusive.

Pupinskipops · 25/05/2025 12:42

forgotmyusername1 · 25/05/2025 12:21

They didn't even have sex on their wedding night or the morning after. I think that says a lot about his motive

As soon as she said I do he withdrew sexual intimacy. That screams entrapment

The fact he is trying to prevent an anullment and guilt her into staying with him screams it harder

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You've made your point. I've made mine. We have different perspectives 🤷🏼‍♀️

Pupinskipops · 25/05/2025 12:45

AlertCat · 25/05/2025 12:20

Even if trans is a real thing and not a fetish or a mental disorder, the announcement of a trans identity still fundamentally changes the nature of the relationship because the husband is not the person he presented himself as, his values are not what he presented, and he wants a relationship in which he can “have sex as a woman”. To that end, he has rejected OP’s sexual advances since before the wedding, and cannot foresee a time when their sex life might resume as before. Therefore, he has unilaterally changed the terms of their marriage and relationship. That’s unreasonable by any measure.

Saying so- judging his actions- is not transphobic. This isn’t an ‘in sickness and in health’ issue, it’s an issue of honesty and values. There are lots of values I would find fundamentally incompatible with mine and unacceptable in my home, and if my OH announced he believed in any of them I would struggle to continue in the relationship. Particularly if the change affected our relationship in material or practical ways, and particularly if the change were enforced on me in a ‘you must accept this’ way as has happened here.

I know that’s hard for trans-identifying people and their allies to hear, but at the end of the day that’s the way it is. Not prejudices or phobia, but a fundamental incompatibility and rejection of the new situation on offer.

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I agree (except for the implication in the first half of your first sentence). That's not what I'm referring to by transphobia. I'm not actually referring to the OP at all, but to some of the responses on this thread.

ButItWasNotYourFaultButMine · 25/05/2025 12:45

@BrickJoker You are 100% wrong to suggest that OP prioritise her 'husband's' feelings and what he's going through over her own here. He has literally pulled the rug out from under her. He had a child and married her and married her under false pretences: that he was a heterosexual man who wanted to marry a woman and have a family.

OP is a heterosexual woman who wanted to marry a man and have a family. She did not sign up for her husband to transform into a woman and live as a gay couple. Especially a man who clearly knew he was feeling this way about himself before he married her and didn't share that information so she could make an informed decision.

BunnyLake · 25/05/2025 12:46

Pupinskipops · 25/05/2025 12:42

You've made your point. I've made mine. We have different perspectives 🤷🏼‍♀️

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Would you feel the same if he had confessed to his wife he was a furry, identified as a cat and wanted to wear cat costumes from now on? That is a real thing, so what are your thoughts on that?

Zita60 · 25/05/2025 12:47

Pupinskipops · 25/05/2025 12:40

You've made your point, I've made mine. We disagree. 🤷🏼‍♀️. There's no point in coming back at me again with further fulmination.

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I did it because you insult the OP by implying that her interest in marriage was "purely about sex and appearance." That's nasty.

Pupinskipops · 25/05/2025 12:47

forgotmyusername1 · 25/05/2025 12:15

I mean most people go into a marriage expecting to have sex with their spouse - it would be seen as a standard expectation

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Agree. It's one of the multiple factors considered when deciding on marriage.

Pupinskipops · 25/05/2025 12:48

DorothyStorm · 25/05/2025 12:14

you seem to mean be silent.

Show quote history

Not at all.

Willwetalk · 25/05/2025 12:49

Anewdawnanewname · 24/05/2025 19:18

Not sure how you can claim it’s not been consummated when you have a kid together.

Before they were married. I wonder if that counts?

sanluca · 25/05/2025 12:51

Pupinskipops · 25/05/2025 12:18

No. In fact I've said I agree the best thing all round in this case is annulment since the OP clearly isn't invested in the partnership. I'm referring to the transphobic comments - it's up to you whether you think I'm talking to you in that regard.

But you are assuming he tricked the OP into marriage. You haven't considered his inner turmoil and that being married might have brought to the fore something he was genuinely unaware of, or hadn't come to terms with and was in denial himself. You are assuming a motive.

They were together 7 years, married 3 months and only then he comes out that he wants to transition to a transwoman. You bet there is motive and he tricked her. He had 7 years to tell her and he didn’t.

stop excusing bad behaviour from transwomen just because they are transgender.

forgotmyusername1 · 25/05/2025 12:54

Is it just transwomen who get the sympathy card

What if op had discovered a locked draw with nazi memorabilia or child pornography?

Would she then also be expected to sympathise with his inner turmoil?

Pupinskipops · 25/05/2025 12:56

RinklyRomaine · 25/05/2025 12:13

God, you people never run out of realities to appropriate, do you? ME? Come on now. Her husband isn’t suffering from a medical condition, and he had no need to lie for years until they married except to use her.

Did you expect all those women trapped by lying husbands in ‘lavender’ marriages to put up and shut up as well?

BTW, you might want to open your eyes. AGP is an exceedingly public paraphilias. It thrives on exposure and forced participation, and evidences itself everywhere, constantly.

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There you go...

Pupinskipops · 25/05/2025 12:56

Missedthis · 25/05/2025 12:10

With respect, you should take your lack of empathy for the OP and shove it up your arse.

☺️

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I'll bear that in mind.

theilltemperedqueenofspacetime · 25/05/2025 12:58

Pupinskipops · 25/05/2025 12:42

You've made your point. I've made mine. We have different perspectives 🤷🏼‍♀️

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I think we are all very grateful to you and to BrickJoker for sharing your perspective. OP should read all of your posts carefully, because they are very informative of her ex's likely reasonableness in future.

thirdfiddle · 25/05/2025 12:58

It's all so hypocritical. If anyone actually believed he was a woman, they wouldn't suggest a straight woman should stay married to him. They'd think he was either mistaken or lying about who he was when the marriage took place - how could they think it a valid contract entered into on such false premises?

If I enter a contract with Sainsburys to buy some carrots, and they say oops our mistake this packet that says carrots on actually contains turnips - there is no contract to purchase turnips. Whether they were mistaken or lying, the contract is void.

Pupinskipops · 25/05/2025 13:00

Strawberriesforever · 25/05/2025 12:33

Leaving aside the debate about whether it’s helpful or dismissive to think of gender dysphoria as a mental illness…
Claiming marriage shouldn’t just be about sex and appearance and that OP is shallow for reacting the way she has is cruel and manipulative.
Of course marriage is about sex! Most people in the Western world believe marriage is about romantic love. And for most people the concept of romantic love involves mutual sexual attraction, respect and care for each other, and mutually enjoyable companionship. Yes, over the course of a lifetime, the initial sexual attraction may become less important than the respect, care and companionship, and these things may ebb and flow with the ups and downs of life. But asking someone to give up on the sexual attraction part of marriage after three celibate months is unrealistic. For most people the sexual attraction is the initial spark that leads to getting to know the other person and spending time together and developing that mutual respect, care and companionship. The fact that OP’s husband must have known he didn’t want to continue having sex a man before the wedding shows a lack of respect towards her. He’s not concerned with her feelings or her needs, showing a lack of care towards her. And, from her point of view, he’s telling her he’s actually not the person she thought he was, but someone else she doesn’t know or recognize. He’s broken the companionship aspect of their relationship too. Dismissing OP’s reaction as showing she only cares about sex is also dismissing her desire for a respectful caring marriage with someone she knows and trusts. Expecting her to ignore or modify her own sexual needs is at best, dismissive, and at worst, coercive.
Her husband’s expectation that she will support him emotionally and stay in the marriage when from her point of view he’s just burnt the foundations of their relationship to ash is delusional. Just because some women would not leave in a similar situation does not make OP wrong or transphobic to feel like she has been tricked into a sham marriage and to want her marriage to be dissolved and considered invalid.

I assume you're responding to me, and I haven't read your whole comment but I get the gist. I agree, sex is a very important aspect of most people's decision to marry a person. There are others too...

Stepfordian · 25/05/2025 13:00

Pupinskipops · 25/05/2025 12:38

Many women do, but if you see my comments elsewhere I have agreed that annulment is the best outcome in this case.

As for why anybody should care about his inner turmoil - I care, and I don't even know the bloke! This is not a happy situation for anybody, and people with any empathy at all will see that. The OP presumably loved him enough to marry him and though she can't see her future with him now - fair enough - I'd be very surprised if she doesn't care about his inner turmoil herself.

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Many women are trapped, very few actively seek transwomen partners.

I have no empathy for him, his inner turmoil is essentially that he wants to wear ‘women’s’ clothing and control the language of those around him, if this happened to me, suddenly, after being in a relationship for 7 years I’d assume I was having a psychotic break and seek medical help, not inform my spouse that I’m turning our lives upside down and if they don’t go along with it they’re ‘phobic’. But I suspect this has not come on suddenly and he has had these feelings for some time.

Pupinskipops · 25/05/2025 13:03

forgotmyusername1 · 25/05/2025 12:39

Ooh careful. Bit of misgendering going on there. Need to redo your tra/allieship training.

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Good point well made. Thank you.

Pupinskipops · 25/05/2025 13:03

Stepfordian · 25/05/2025 13:00

Many women are trapped, very few actively seek transwomen partners.

I have no empathy for him, his inner turmoil is essentially that he wants to wear ‘women’s’ clothing and control the language of those around him, if this happened to me, suddenly, after being in a relationship for 7 years I’d assume I was having a psychotic break and seek medical help, not inform my spouse that I’m turning our lives upside down and if they don’t go along with it they’re ‘phobic’. But I suspect this has not come on suddenly and he has had these feelings for some time.

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OK 🤷🏼‍♀️

Pluvia · 25/05/2025 13:05

You've made your point, I've made mine. We disagree. 🤷🏼‍♀️. There's no point in coming back at me again with further fulmination.

Is the truth too much for you to bear? We disagree because you believe in a set of non-scientific, non-evidenced, quasi-religious feelings. We base our understanding of the world on reality and evidence.

We don't just disagree with you. We're calling out your patriarchal bullshit, gaslighting, misogyny and homophobia and shining a light on your irrational belief system.

OneNaiceTealMoose · 25/05/2025 13:05

He sounds gay.

Tell him it's ok to be gay.

Divorce him. Or allul. Whatever

TipsyJoker · 25/05/2025 13:06

The fact that he is saying he will contest it is a disgusting tactic as well. He’s not your friend. He has used you as his beard. I would go for annulment and if you can’t get that then just divorce him. What a rotter!

ThrowawayAccount29 · 25/05/2025 13:06

Anewdawnanewname · 24/05/2025 19:18

Not sure how you can claim it’s not been consummated when you have a kid together.

Did you read the OP? The child is 14 months old, they were married 3 months ago. The marriage itself hasn’t been consummated.

Kucinghitam · 25/05/2025 13:07

theilltemperedqueenofspacetime · 25/05/2025 12:58

I think we are all very grateful to you and to BrickJoker for sharing your perspective. OP should read all of your posts carefully, because they are very informative of her ex's likely reasonableness in future.

Show quote history

I strongly agree. OP, I recommend you read and re-read the posts of these two BeKind posters and fully take on board the views they present. This will be the perspective that your 'husband' will be coming from and which you and your child will be subject to, for the rest of your relationship.

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